Ask Me Help Desk - Men want everything!

Men want everything!

After being married for 44 years, I took a
Careful look at my wife one day and said,
'honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment,
A cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
A 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
Every night with a hot 21-year-old chick.

Now I have a two million dollar home,
A $60,000 car, a king size bed and a 65 inch plasma
Screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to
Go out and find a hot 21-year-old chick, and she
Would make sure that I would once again be living in
A cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on
A sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

Sounds like a fair trade off for the guy... ;)

Ahhhh... hot 21 year old chicks...

My wife told me I'd be walking, with a transistor am radio.

Marta thought this was hilarious...

That was pretty funny but sucks for the guy.

Us poor guys get all the raw deals :eek:

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work
Strong hints do not work
Obvious hints do not work
Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

Quote:

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

I have to point out that men can put it down just as well as women can. :)

Quote:

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

What if it's mauve? :p

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I have to point out that men can put it down just as well as women can. :)

We don't need it down , you want it down put it down!! And when your finished please replace it back up ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

What if it's mauve? :p

Doesn't matter , we have every intention of ripping it off later anyway ;)

Ripping? Not good. Some outfits cost a lot of money, especially the mauve ones.

Gently remove all clothing, fold and place on a chair.

I've posted this before but I'm doing it again, for all the guys I adore.

28 Reasons it's great to be a man.

1. Your last name stays put.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

5. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut or not.

6. Same work.. more pay.

7. Wrinkles-add character.

8. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

9. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

10. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

11. One mood, ALL the time.

12. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

13. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

14. You can open all your own jars.

15. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

16. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

17. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

18. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

20. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

21. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

22. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

23. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

24. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

25. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

26. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

27. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

28. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

Man talk;

"I'm going fishing." Means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Means... "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear." Means... Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Means... "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late." Means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard." Means... "I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear." Means... "Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Means... "What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else." Means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."

"You look terrific" Means... "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Means... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Well, my favorite was #1!
Alt! The good movies don't ALWAYS have knives! :eek:

Hehe, so friend4u, why are they all #1?

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Well, my favorite was #1!
Alt! The good movies dont' ALWAYS have knives! :eek:

Hehe, so friend4u, why are they all #1?

You're right, sometimes they have guns. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

My wife told me I'd be walking, with a transistor am radio.

And standing in the sunlight laughin' hiding behind a rainbow's wall?

Another funny yet strangely true list...

Wait, I just got something...

"Men only know six colors", yet, I always hear about these girls on here having "brown" discharge... I am sure that some of them could be:

Brown-red, and red-brown, or light-brown, or dark brown...
(warning about to sound like a girl) AKA:
Mahogany, ochre, chocolate, copper, tan...

(see, I know more than six colors! ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Wait, I just got something...

"Men only know six colors", yet, I always hear about these girls on here having "brown" discharge... I am sure that some of them could be:

brown-red, and red-brown, or light-brown, or dark brown...
(warning about to sound like a girl) AKA:
Mahogany, ochre, chocolate, copper, tan...

(see, I know more than six colors! ;)

But do you know mauve? :confused:

No one knows muave!
Muave is simply a tourture device invented by women, so that when we don't notice something, you can say "but it's muave", and we're pinned... just like khaki, it can apply to many colors! :D

1 Attachment(s)

This is mauve;

Attachment 23481

Now you're no longer in the dark. :)

Riiight... that's muave, and Valentine's Day is a real holiday, it wasn't invented by hallmark to fill the card-less void between holidays... :rolleyes:

:p