I logged onto my old email account for the first time in about, err 2 or 3 years tonight, as I was feeling slightly bored.
I came across an email from an ex, which she'd sent to me about 10 months after we broke up. It shocked me a bit. (Sent circa '05, so a few years ago).
"It’s funny, but not ‘ha, ha’ funny. Last night I dreamt you’d migrate back to her, your first. S. I knew you wanted her (them: all the people you ever, ever hurt me with) to stay close. I knew, and after months and months of freedom I dreamt a horrible dream again last night. So I thought I’d just check, and here you are, and there she is, and them, and all the rest. And so I have to laugh, you know. A bitter laugh. Because you lied (and lied and lied and lied – about her, about them, about yourself), you broke my heart and stole my self-worth and ed me over (again and again), and although you begged, you pleaded, you ‘changed’, my heart was in doubt, and OH, LOOK! It – I – was right."
I'd added my first love to a social networking site, and 10 months after we broke up, that "current" ex girlfriend felt the need to look at it, and bring it up.
I know that I shouldn't look back at the past, etc, but her wording of the email almost took my breath away.
Was I really that bad, all those years ago? Yes I was young and made mistakes, but so did she. I haven't heard from her since that email, and I've been worried about her on & off, as she attempted suicide a couple of times when we were together.
I've tried browsing the usual social network sites etc, but can't find anything on there about her. I guess I'm just trying to assuage my own guilt. I'm just not sure what to do.
I don't want this "apparent" bad side to creep out in future relationships, so I'm a bit off my guard.
Has anyone got any advice?