Ask Me Help Desk - My wife texts a lot to another man

My wife has been texting too much, every day with another man who happens to be divorced and who's wife cheated on him and lives in town. Actually up the street from us. About 4 to 5 months ago I noticed my wife very attached to her phone and always texting. This is what caught my attention. I started to look into this and found 95% of texts to this one guy. We talked and she told me that it was just plutonic friends. I left it alone. Then the phone bill came in and had over 700 texts so I talk to her again, she apologized and said she would take it easy. But after sleeping on it things didn't fall right and I started to check her texts and we started to argue and I told her it bothered me and she would tell me there is nothing going on and I needed to trust her and at some points she even would make me feel like I was the one doing something wrong. At one point she even broke her cell phone to prove to me that I was the only man that meant everything to her. About two weeks went by and I got her another cell (we really needed it trying to raise 3 kids makes it hard) two days later she contacted him again and of course hell has been raised again. First time she said she wanted to end it her way then she told me she was just playing games with him and last time she pretty much wanted to make it clear that they were just friends and it was going to stay that way. Between all this I have read texts about how they met up and her telling him thinking of you, kids don't get home until 1 so lets meet and emails from him I miss you, asking for kiss and other texts that didn't make since at all like things were deleted. I have told her that she has disrespected me and humiliated me, she just keeps defending her relationship with him. I have been told by many friends that I need to put my foot down and tell her that it has to stop or else. I am not a person to tell someone what to do and she doesn't take it lightly when you tell her or order her to do something. She gets into a defensive mode and tells you why does it have to be your way. I think she is just having a emotional affair. I think I know what I need to do but I feel bad and not sure.

I put my foot down, I even have stopped touching her and not giving her much conversation and she asked me what is wrong and I told her that the relationship had to stop and all the problems would go away. She told me she was going to stop. She went about 2 weeks with no communication then there was some, so I told her again she had to stop and again went a few weeks now started again. First time was because school started and his daughter goes to school with mine then soccer started and my wife is the coach for the girls and he is the coach for the boys so they started again because of soccer (note they do not practice on same flield, she is middle school and he is high school). I am just lost with what to do. Someone at work told me to just go home put my wedding band on the table and tell her "it's him or me, you pick". I feel that her and I can figure this out a little me calmer. We have always figured things out in our relationship together without either one putting there foot down and being demanding. Please once again help, I am so confused. Thank you.

Your wife is having an affair. She may be honest about not having had any physical relations with this other guy (I seriously doubt it, but it is possible), but the fact remains that she is putting energy into a relationship of some sort with this other guy. She may be lying to herself, but she is lying to you whether she is being honest with herself or not.

You have to put your foot down. If you allow this to continue, it is only going to get worse. If she is not willing to discontinue her tryst with this other man, you may want to look into a good lawyer.

It is harsh, but right now she is disrespecting you, disrespecting your relationships, and disrespecting your family.

She gets defensive because she doesn't even want to admit to herself that she is two timing. She wants to live this make believe life and act like it isn't hurting anyone.
So how long are you going to stay in Mr. Nice guy mode and let her lie?
At your rate of not putting your foot down it will be 5 -10 -20 years from now and you will still be in the same mess putting up with it.

Don't let her have it her way. She is getting defensive and all as manipulative tactics to make you back down.

I wouldn't pay her phone bill anymore. I would give the phone to the kids and not allow her to touch it.

Quote:

she was just playing games with him

If she is playing games with him ,it is at your expense.I would say she is playing games but I think you are the victim.

Put your foot down and don't let her argumentative behavior back you into a corner where she is manipulating you.

Yes,this is an emotional affair.Since he lives so close by ,there could be more and she should be given an ultimatum.

Its texting with him or you.She is putting her desires to text him before her marriage.

That tells me she places more value on that relationship than yours and hers.That is incredibly selfish ,she knows she is hurting you but *playing games* with him means more to her.

Put you foot down and don't allow her to treat you like a fool.

Have to spread the rep
Exactly.
I think it is full blown with messages about meeting while kids are at school.

Had to spread the rep but there is little doubt that she has an ongoing affair and only uses the phone to make arrangements.

Sad. Animals can control their urges, why can't she.

Huge red flags here - lots of them, waving wildly.

Your marriage is in serious trouble and your wife is in denial, thinking that she can carry on an affair with another man. Whether this affair is physical or not is irrelevant - 700 texts! Something is most certainly going on.

You have no reason to feel bad about confronting her about this. What does her marriage and her children mean to her? She requires a serious reality check because she is putting both at grave risk.

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I am not a person to tell someone what to do and she doesn't take it lightly when you tell her or order her to do something. She gets into a defensive mode and tells you why does it have to be your way.

Time to man up and disregard her defensive responses. Tell her what to do. She needs to make a choice because it is utterly inappropriate for her to be doing this, let alone defending her actions. Clearly she is incapable of thinking clearly. Ask her if she would want your children to know that she is behaving this way - it's obsessive, dishonest and disrespectful.

I would suggest that you then drag her kicking and screaming to a counselor as it sounds as if you both need to work on your marriage. It won't survive this otherwise.

In my mind, an affair is an affair whether its emotionally, or physically. She has decided to seek a relationship with another person, and I doubt that from your comments in your post that they haven't 'met up' before the kids got home from school. In one month alone she had 700 texts with him. Don't kid yourself that something isn't going on here, and has been for some time.

She chooses not to let this man go. Despite promises, and the drama of her breaking her phone, she continues a relationship with him.

She chooses to put him first, and you and your children second. She has made him a priority in her life, and has broken and crossed all lines of trust, fidelity, honesty and integrity.

I do not blame you for any of this, although with these types of affairs, finger pointing goes on as to 'you didn't pay enough attention to her', or 'she was lonely and stressed out' etc. etc. Don't fall for the excuses to justify her choices and behaviour.

She could have talked to you. She could have been honest. She could have ended the affair many times over, and after each promise to do so.

She is incredibly selfish to risk her marriage, and family, all for the sake of a fling.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you need to make some serious decisions here and decide whether you wish to be married to a woman who has an ongoing affair with the teacher down the street.

In the meanwhile, keep on top of your finances, and consider your options, and a possible future without her.

I would tell her if she wants to have an affair, she can move out, or perhaps you move out for a bit and let her decide what she wants

"Love must be tough" and

A Shrink for Men

Read and allow your eyes to be opened.

This totally is not right. If you did what she's doing she would be freaking out. It's not right and she knows it. People always think that it's better with some one else. The problem is people run after illusions more than reality. They get with other people outside of their marriages texting, wishing they could be together, meeting in secluded places. Reality is it's completely an illusion. Dealing with a life of the kid's, the house, work, bill's is reality. Talking to someone who is not involved in your normal everyday routine is not in life's routine which makes the now mom or dad feel like they are young and single again.they want both lives. In reality you can't have both. Your wife has chosen to be a wife. Your wife. Don't second guess yourself about what is right. If it's something that she wouldn't want you doing then she needs to stop.

You already posted on this issue in August:

Threads were merged and edited.

Clearly not much has changed in a month, and I suspect that the answers you get will not be much different from the previous ones.

Your wife continues, through her behavior, to make a choice. She chooses him.
As difficult as this may seem for you, you now need to make a choice. Clearly if you continue to put up with this she will continue to push the boundaries.

Yes, it's hard.

Do you stay and try to negotiate with her, about a man she is most likely having a physical or emotional affair with, or do you 'man up', stop discussing it with her, and actually give her the ultimatum?

What's wrong with giving her the choice - choose him or stay with me?

I hardly think this is demanding. She's the one that's demanding expecting you to put up with her texting some guy 700 times in a month! She's the one that's demanding expecting you to put up with her re-contacting him after she promised she wouldn't!

I don't think that it's demanding at all to expect a marriage partner to be honest.

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Someone at work told me to just go home put my wedding band on the table and tell her "it's him or me, you pick".

'Someone at work' is wise and telling it how it is. Follow their advice. You may well be emasculated if you don't.

You are trying to hold on to a woman that is gone.
Let it go.
Find some inner peace to get you through this but understand she is gone.

I commend you for trying to do it the right way, and discuss this like an adult, But since that didn't work, time to get the big guns out, and tell her get the hell out. No negotiating, just action.

Talk to a lawyer, and file for a separation, and make sure she leaves, not you.

Ok, I have two questions previously posted about this issue. After last advise I told her she had to end this once and for all and walked away mad. After few hours she came up to me and told me she was going to put a block on his number so he can't get threw to her. I told her why don't you just tell him to f&*% off, she told me that she has told him not to contact her anymore and that she couldn't do this any more but he still does sometimes and when she reads the message she then replies without realizing it then 10 or 20 have gone by. I told her then change the number because the block is only texting but he could still call. She said that it would be a big mess because of all the people and places that have the number (well I understand she is involved in a lot) and that she wouldn't answer the phone if he called. She put the block and there hasn't been any interaction between them since (3 weeks) other then we bumped into him in town and she ignored him but the other day he was at the soccer again because he runs the score board and stuff at the high school and he had made a comment to her about the game and I was there too. My point here or question is that she has not at all explained what was been going on and it bothers me. I have been thinking about this and it's like this I want to talk to her about it and see if she opens up but should I just let it be and leave it alone. We contuine having a great relationship together, mentaly and physically. She brought up a issue the other day and then I told her since we are on the subject I started to bring up the past and she cut me off and said I don't want to talk about the past, just let it go. I felt like sh&t after and that's when I really started to think about that I would like to talk to her about this whole thing but I don't know if I should.

If you keep you're your posts in the one thread its easier to follow the whole story.

I read through your last thread,this has been going on quite a while,and although you have been making efforts to save your relationship,now that the dust is settled I think you deserve an explanation.

Granted you can't make her talk,but if she is willing to save the relationship as well its time to tell you the truth.

Not willing to discuss this is not heading in the right direction,to forget,is easier said then done, you both need to realise why this happened,so it does not happen again.

I suggest mediatation of some discription to get the lines of communication opened in this area, that would include couples councilling and separate.