Ask Me Help Desk - Baby commitment

We have been married for 1 and half year, fully enjoyed our honeymoon period, and now we are ready for baby and working on it. We love babies, plan to have 3, then I will be home staying 'full-time' mom. The issue is I have been so career driven woman, am very successful, and now I feel like I am losing my IDENTITY I have built for entire life. My husband told me that he would be in charge of finance, I should not work, stay home and take care of the babies until they finish up high school. He is not joking, because that is his family tradition. It makes me feel like I am forced to RETIRE completely upon pregnancy. I am excited about babies but I am very depressed about myself. Is it normal? Any advice? What should I do with my passion for work?

Just for information, we are both in our 30's, my job is very demanding job, there is no way I can come back as a part time employee. If I leave, I am done here. Besides, my husband is running a large family business, there is no excuse or need for me to go back to work. I really do not want to end up like my mother who never worked for entire life after married my father. I am secretly depressed and scared. I will appreciate all your input how to deal with this. My husband does not take my issue seriously, but simply excited about the baby plan.

If it is in your case, what will you do after retire in 30's?

Why would you have to stay at home until the finish high school? What will you do all day while they're in school?

I would talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, that you love the idea of children, but not the idea of forever being a stay at home mom.

I stayed home with both my kids, now that they're both in school I'll be going back to work. Not to my career, because I can't do that part-time, but something that will work around my kids schedules, so that I can be there when they leave in the morning and be there when they come home at night.

Talk to your husband, come up with a compromise that both of you can accept.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

What will you do all day while they're in school?

That was exactly my question!
I do not agree I am supposed to stuck at home waiting for kids and husband all day long 'everyday' for the rest of my life to be a good woman. My husband strongly believes that babies should be taken care of by mom not 'a substitute mom', nanny until they are fully grown. How should I convince him? Oh, boy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

that was exactly my question!
I do not agree I am supposed to stuck at home waiting for kids and husband all day long 'everyday' for the rest of my life to be a good woman. My husband strongly believes that babies should be taken care of by mom not 'a substitute mom', nanny until they are fully grown. how should I convince him? oh, boy.

I had been a teacher, and was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years until both sons were in school all day. While they were growing to that stage, I volunteered at the school where they would be going. Once they were in school all day, I continued to volunteer there plus I got a part-time job shelving books at the public library across the street from the school. I dropped the kids off at school in the morning, walked over to the library, worked until 1 p.m. did my school volunteering, then grocery shopped or went home to clean house or did whatever needed doing, picked up the kids when school ended at 3 p.m. took them home and worked on supper etc. while they played and did homework, ate supper when their father got home, and returned to my library job at 6 p.m. until 9 p.m. while Daddy was home with the kids. The library job, being part-time, was also flexible enough that I could schedule doctor and dentist appointments for me and the kids. When the boys were home, they had chores to do because they were part of the family and pulled their weight. I didn't earn that much ($3/hr) at the library, but I loved the work, it was close to my kids' school in case someone got sick and had to be taken home, and it got me out of the house and talking with adults. Thirty-plus years later, I still work in a library (a different one 8 miles from home); that nothing part-time job turned into a second career.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

that was exactly my question!
I do not agree I am supposed to stuck at home waiting for kids and husband all day long 'everyday' for the rest of my life to be a good woman. My husband strongly believes that babies should be taken care of by mom not 'a substitute mom', nanny until they are fully grown. how should I convince him? oh, boy.

Now is the time to sit and talk, not after the first baby comes.

Tell him how you feel, ask him why he feels the way he does.

When my husband and I decided that we wanted kids we both sat down to discuss what would happen after they were born. We both agreed that one of us should be at home and raise them during the important first years. Of course that person was me. But, we also agreed that once the kids were in school full time, there was no reason for me to sit at home waiting for them to come home.

Compromise, that's the key. If you're willing to stay home until the youngest is in school then tell your husband that, state your case, be calm, talk, don't yell. Make a list of the pros and cons of you staying home and of you going back to work once the kids are older.

Being a stay at home mom is both the most rewarding and most difficult job I've ever had. I'm so glad that I got to stay at home and raise my children, but now it's time to get back to work. The thing is, they won't even know I'm gone, because they'll be at school and during the summer months I'll take unpaid vacation to be home with them.

It's give and take, that's what marriage is all about. :)

I have two children, age 12 and age 8. They are in school full-time, but between games/practices three - four nights a week, field trips, laundry, housework and shopping, it can very easily be a full time job to be an active parent. It really just depends on how active you want to be and what your children's interests are.

You can always think about doing something else part time, if you can find something that you enjoy. I always thought it would be great to learn to make wedding cakes on the side, but that is just me.

I am a fairly career oriented woman as well. I know I would be bored to pieces if I felt forced to stay home. On the other hand, I know how much I try to fit in while working FT and I am extremely jealous of the prospect of staying home to partcipate in everything, not just being forced to choose between activities.

A part-time job is the only compromise, but until your children are in school I wouldn't start a debate about it. Newborns - five years old, is a full time job all in and of itself. No matter what you can always try out what works and if it's not fulfilling have the conversation already laid out right now that it is adjustable. I think you would look back and regret missing the opportunity to be home if you could. It is a previledge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Compromise, that's the key. If you're willing to stay home until the youngest is in school then tell your husband that, state your case, be calm, talk, don't yell. Make a list of the pros and cons of you staying home and of you going back to work once the kids are older.

Altenweg,
I would not yell at my husband, and can talk calmly (99% of time HAHA). You made me laugh. Whenever he talks about the baby plan in front of family and friends, I just roll my eyes behind of his back though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I had been a teacher, and was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years until both sons were in school all day.

The more I talk, the more I am depressed...
Let's see. If I have a baby per year, I will get it done in 3 years for producing.
The youngest one can be in school at age 6. 3+6=9.
The math simply says I need to be lost among dippers, sesame street and blue dog books for 9 years at least!!
If I wait until youngest one is full time in school, it will be 3+12=15. 15 YEARS!!
At that point, I may can consider to get a full time job. Right?
I cannot follow my husband's horrible idea to mother them through high school, which will last 3+17 = 20 years. Let's rule it out. I need to talk to him.

In any case though, I will be in 40's after the mom duty, and it will be too late & I will be out-dated to go back to work in my field. Should I try to get a triplets to save some years?
How did you get through all of the years, ladies? I have so much respect for you. Oh, my.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

The more I talk, the more I am depressed...
Let's see. If I have a baby per year, I will get it done in 3 years for producing.
The youngest one can be in school at age 6. 3+6=9.
The math simply says I need to be lost among dippers, sesame street and blue dog books for 9 years at least!!!!
If I wait until youngest one is full time in school, it will be 3+12=15. 15 YEARS!!!
At that point, I may can consider to get a full time job. Right?
I cannot follow my husband's horrible idea to mother them through high school, which will last 3+17 = 20 years. Let's rule it out. I nee to talk to him.

In any case though, I will be in 40's after the mom duty, and it will be too late & I will be out-dated to go back to work in my field. Should I try to get a triplets to save some years?
How did you get through all of the years, ladies? I have so much respect for you. Oh, my.

Oh, stop it, for Pete's sake! My two boys were nearly five years apart, thus my staying home for 12 years. During that time, I volunteer tutored and ran a volunteer art program called Picture Lady (moms volunteered once a month to present a famous work of art to designated grades -- I was the head of the program and chose to present to 4th grade), I joined several local organizations that met in the evenings when I didn't work at the library and when Daddy was home, I read tons of books, I did lots of yard work which I totally enjoyed, I regularly met with other moms and we talked about anything and everything while our kids played together nearby.

Child-raising is not a prison sentence! If you are such a fantastic career person, then put on your creativity hat and come up ideas that will keep you in the modern world while you birth and raise children.

Once my sons were in school all day, I worked longer hours and did less volunteer work, and meanwhile taught the kids how to do laundry, vacuum, dust, wash dishes, and even cook simple things. By the time they were in high school, I was full-time again and felt very confident about leaving them at home alone. They never disappointed me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

The more I talk, the more I am depressed...
Let's see. If I have a baby per year, I will get it done in 3 years for producing.
The youngest one can be in school at age 6. 3+6=9.
The math simply says I need to be lost among dippers, sesame street and blue dog books for 9 years at least!!!!
If I wait until youngest one is full time in school, it will be 3+12=15. 15 YEARS!!!
At that point, I may can consider to get a full time job. Right?
I cannot follow my husband's horrible idea to mother them through high school, which will last 3+17 = 20 years. Let's rule it out. I nee to talk to him.

In any case though, I will be in 40's after the mom duty, and it will be too late & I will be out-dated to go back to work in my field. Should I try to get a triplets to save some years?
How did you get through all of the years, ladies? I have so much respect for you. Oh, my.

You won't be in your 40's after the mom duty because the mom duty never ends. It's a life time commitment, not just 18 years.

Lost in diapers, sesame street and blue dog books? You sound like you're preparing for a prison term. Having a child is the most rewarding experience ever. I have to ask why you want children if you think it's going to be so terrible.

How did I get through all the years? Well, I'm not done, and there's not "getting through" it's called enjoying your children, loving your children, caring, teaching, nurturing and having fun with your children. There's never a dull moment.

My kids are 10 and 6, and every day is a new experience.

Yes, it's hard, like anything else that's worthwhile.

If you see this as a terrible job that you just want to do and get it over with, then don't have kids.

When I go back to work yes, I will most likely be starting a new career and I'll be 39 next month. The fact is, it's just a job, a way to make money, it's not my top priority and never will be. My family will always be my top priority.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Child-raising is not a prison sentence!

It is good to hear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If you are such a fantastic career person, then put on your creativity hat and come up ideas that will keep you in the modern world while you birth and raise children.

I have no idea how to wear creativity hat though. Can you be more specific?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

They never disappointed me!

It is encouraging me a lot. It should be rewarding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

The more I talk, the more I am depressed...
Let's see. If I have a baby per year, I will get it done in 3 years for producing.
The youngest one can be in school at age 6. 3+6=9.
The math simply says I need to be lost among dippers, sesame street and blue dog books for 9 years at least!!!!
If I wait until youngest one is full time in school, it will be 3+12=15. 15 YEARS!!!
At that point, I may can consider to get a full time job. Right?
I cannot follow my husband's horrible idea to mother them through high school, which will last 3+17 = 20 years. Let's rule it out. I nee to talk to him.

In any case though, I will be in 40's after the mom duty, and it will be too late & I will be out-dated to go back to work in my field. Should I try to get a triplets to save some years?
How did you get through all of the years, ladies? I have so much respect for you. Oh, my.

Personally, that breaks my heart, I would give anything to have your problem.
I love working, I love being acknowledged in my career, but I would love more to be there every opportunity for my family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

I have no idea how to wear creativity hat though. Can you be more specific?

I had a B.A. in elementary education. I used that area of interest to get involved in all sorts of things at my kids' school and in local organizations and in other volunteer work. If I'd had an MBA, my areas of interest and volunteering and community involvement would have been different. You fit yourself in with what you know and enjoy. Your public library can be your command center. There you can find out about the businesses and organizations and non-profits that exist in your community plus their need for volunteers or part-time workers. The library itself may need someone to start a writers' group or a book discussion group or a gardening group or a photography group. It would probably meet only once or twice a month, but would give you myriad opportunities to make new friends, do research, plan, organize, think like an adult, and show off your skills. (Later, these volunteer jobs and the skill sets needed will fit nicely on your resume.)

Meanwhile, read to your kids, do storytelling with them (with voices!), count and look at shapes and colors when you go somewhere with them, let them print your grocery lists and then help you shop for food, (and don't forget to sing with them, all those silly kid songs), and enjoy them 24/7! Children don't have to be a burden; they are a treasure! The more engaged and involved you are with them (engaged because you know you get your "adult time" too during the week), the better a mom you will be and the more interesting people you will be raising.

I think I should make myself clear.
It seems the best way to be mom will be "being a full time" for the first 6 years. OK. I can be home for 9 years to birth 3 babies and raise them for the first 5 years for each. However, just after they are all in school, I think I should convince my husband & go back to work for 'full time' and raise kids with nannies.
Is it doable in real world? Please give me pros and cons in the scenario. I appreciate your advice in advance.

I would never trust my kids to nannies or day care, but that's just me.

I will be working while the kids are in school so that I can be home when they leave and home when they get back.

Is it possible? Yes. A lot of people have childcare so that they can work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by winding200

I think I should make myself clear.
It seems the best way to be mom will be "being a full time" for the first 6 years. OK. I can be home for 9 years to birth 3 babies and raise them for the first 5 years for each. However, just after they are all in school, I think I should convince my husband & go back to work for 'full time' and raise kids with nannies.
Is it doable in real world? Please give me pros and cons in the scenario. I appreciate your advice in advance.

I vote no. If you are thinking nannies already, don't have children. Your children will hate you if you go that direction. Please don't get pregnant. There's no joy, only calculation, in your posts about having children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

You won't be in your 40's after the mom duty because the mom duty never ends. It's a life time commitment, not just 18 years.

How did I get through all the years? Well, I'm not done, and there's not "getting through" it's called enjoying your children, loving your children, caring, teaching, nurturing and having fun with your children. There's never a dull moment.

Great answer. It cannot be better. I guess that is what my parents did for me. Thanks.

I agree I had prison term. Personally, one of my close friends have 3 kids, 1, 4, 8 yrs, recently became single mother, and she is struggling everyday. She is in deep depression, and does not care about anything. I am the person (so my husband too) on the call whenever she has emergency. Her youngest one is very ill, constantly crying, and her nanny is irresponsible high school kid, sometimes not showing up without notice.
The whole situation really makes me worry. I have no idea how to make the sick baby not to cry when I am there. My husband and I hold the baby in turn, follow the doctor's instruction, try to comfort him, and just pray the baby stops crying & fall in sleep magically somehow.

I really hope we can have healthy babies.

Babies doesn't come when a manual but the great thing is that you learn as you go along.

I remember when my daughter was a baby it was a journey. I was working and going to college but luckily I had my family by my side to help me.

When my daughter was going through her colic phrase I was happy to have my mom by my side because I would have lost my mind. But babies are a little bundle of joy because no matter what your going through their smile makes everything seem okay.

It is great that your thinking about this now but from what you wrote about your husband I thinks he wouldn't want you to work once you have kids--even if it is a part-time job.

Once your kids are in school you should be able to work and he should be okay with that. Your going need an outside outlet besides being a stay at home mom forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I vote no. If you are thinking nannies already, don't have children. Your children will hate you if you go that direction. Please don't get pregnant. There's no joy, only calculation, in your posts about having children.

The reason I am on this site is I am looking for advice and insight to be a good mom.
I am trying to convince myself to transform from high profile career woman to 'financially dependent (to husband) & jobless woman' to be a good mom. It is a big lifetime change. I appreciate your input, but I need to point out some invalid statement to make fair & mature discussion on this site.

1. "Please don't get pregnant "... This is not valid advice you can give as an expert. My husband and I are ready to have babies, and I did not ask your permission. Even though you have authority to give me permission, you rather say "you better have children and raise them as a good mom" instead of suggesting "not to get pregnant". It is not helping, but breaking a deal approach. I know what you are trying to say, but it is not the right way to say. It will be nice to spare some sensitivity before you type a harsh statement because you are referring 'unborn 3 lives'.

2. calculating... I should calculate, debate, analyze, and plan carefully for my family & future, because 5 people are involved in this plan for lifetime. I always plan, and it is highly recommended, and should not be 'criticized' for any reason. I said I am excited for baby in the original post. What made you think there is no joy besides of calculation?
I believe potentially problematic mothers are who are getting babies without calculation & plan but by accident or without clear idea about what they are getting into (e.g. young girls without marriage). These unprepared mom will likely make them & their children stressful and unhappy. Well prepared mother will likely provide best family education for children. Once again, I am here to get information to set the best plan for all of my family not to be blamed to debate.

3. "Your children will hate you if you go that direction"... I respect your experience, and I am pretty sure your family appreciated it. However, if you did not have real 'having nanny' experience, how do you know all children will hate their mother automatically? It is a stereo type. Even though I stay home for full time, I will need nanny's help occasionally to operate family functions and events. Thanks for your input as expert, but is it really validated & proven opinion?

In our society, there are so many women have no choice but have to work to support their children. I am seeing a lady who is working at a grocery store for $7 hour during pregnancy (until the day of delivery) and just after pregnancy. Will her children hate her? I do not think so. The children MUST appreciate their mother's hard work. The lady is not working long hours 7 days a week not because she dos not love her children enough to stay home to read books for them. I even do not know how the lady manage her children during her work hours, but assume someone is there for children. Is she a terrible mother? Absolutely not.

I have female friends who are professional doctors, lawyers, managers and at the same time working super mom. They wear multiple hats simultaneously, juggling between family and career tasks, runs all the time place to place to do their best for children and family. Do their children hate their mom simply because they are working? Not really. I see their children get enough attention & good care, be raised well, mother-children relationship is very strong and solid as others, and the children are actually proud of their super mothers.

My mom raised me for full time, I appreciate her, but I had complaints sometimes, because she made us her world, overly protected us, and micromanaged us all the time even in my college hood. I saw her as a good mother and wife, but did not see her as an inspiring role model. Maybe that's why I was so career oriented. Every situation has pros and cons.

What I am trying to say is there is no absolute rules in mother-children relationship just like other relationships. Everybody has different situation. What you have done is good for you, is a defiantly good example, but not everybody has to follow your foot steps.

I agree there is a critical time that mom has to be full time especially in early childhood. If my presence and attention is so critical in the period as you say, I will even not attempt to do anything during the period. Why should I? If I should not get real work, I should not get any volunteer community work either to avoid absence even for a minute.

However, my point is again, it is non sense if we expect all the highly educated professional women drop their career completely to be a good mom. Saying something sound good is easy but need to say something valid. It is simply unrealistic. If we force women drop the jobs upon pregnancy 'without calculation', why do we even bother to educate women to the masters and doctors level, give them promotions and training opportunities in professional world? If everyone follows your direction, there will not be any professional woman left in the world anyway once these women reach the age to have children in the scenario.

I will make a solid plan to come back to work at certain point after raise kids to the safe level. It seems to me by the time the youngest one is in school for full time, I will find the right timing. Although my mother says once I have a baby in my arms, mother instinct will kick off over logics, and all my plans will be re-evaluated and shifted. I really like to see the moment comes. Thanks.

I'm going to go against the tide here.

My advice would be to switch to having one or two kids (not three) and be crystal clear with your husband that you want to continue working. If you are already depressed at the mere thought of not working, you will not be happy giving up what you are good at. The people I know who have three kids pretty much don't have time to work at anything serious, especially if the father isn't heavily involved. And it sounds like your husband expects you to do it all.

Also, once you are out of the work force in any kind of serious career (which it sounds like you have), it's really hard to get back in. People who would hire an inexperienced 22 year old don't want a rusty 42 year old with three teenagers. I know people who avoid hiring mothers at all because they have had so many of them take time off for family issues.

If you and your husband can't agree on a clear plan for parenting kids, you need to put the baby making on hold for a couple of months until you sort this out. I would strongly recommend some mediation to get everything out of the table. It sounds to me like you two have VERY different expectations and needs that are likely to lead to severe conflict down the road. It might not seem romantic, but these are foundational issues in a marriage.

Also, some study or other said that the happiest mothers work part time. But they aren't the ones with retirement accounts...

I personally think you are right to be having all these questions.