I am an emotional women, and I used to believe in true love, as they show in movies.. After 1.5 yr of my marriage my husband once while talking casually I asked him, why he does not I love you to me, his answere to this question has shattered my believe, he told me that " All mens say I love u, when they want sex, and every man sees a women in a wrong way, and he first looks at their private parts only, and if a man gets a chance he will sleep with a women, even if she is married or no, it does not make a difference, he will not leave a chance, and If I was a man even I would have thought this way"

After he said this, we said our family prayer, and I bursted into tears and started weeping, as all my believes from childhood about having a husband who will only love me and be mine forever, or will not even think of anyone... all this just shattered. These words don't go off from my mind, no matter how hard I try. Mine is an arranged marriage, my parents choose the boy for me.

I really feel very bad... Just want to know how should I overcome it?

Your culture shows you that marriages are arranged. You believe in true love.

Love is built. The feelings of your husband's are feelings about lust. Working together in a relationship will help establish your love. In an arranged marriage, there is not love before the wedding. Instead you have to build it.

Just to add to the above post which is excellent.

a) not all men view love as simply for sex, in fact you "husband"'s view would be the minority (unless he's 17 years old)
b) stop getting your views on love from fictional movies

And to add
Your marriage was arranged
Seldom arranged marriages are a fairy tale come true.

You should talk more to your husband about how he feels about you and your marriage and if it is something he wants and desires to work on or if you are really nothing more than a means to his lust.

You need to find a way to build on your relationship from where it is. Your marriage being arranged you have even more of an up hill battle.

I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you hoped. It's really difficult to fall in love in an arranged marriage. It takes time to build the love for one another.

Instead of worrying about those 3 words, focus on building a stronger relationship with him. Actions are more important than words.

It's really hard to have your dreams shattered, but that's part of growing up.

This is what is happening to you - you are married and you are growing up. Love is rarely like it's shown in the movies or in romantic novels. What your husband said to you about sex is not what all men believe and he may have been saying this to you as a way to 'wake you up' from your romantic dreams.

I don't know what his motivation was, but I do know that you must put it out of your mind. As others have already said - love grows in a relationship, concentrate on loving your husband, try to be tolerant of him and put aside your romantic dreams. You are living a real life now, not a fantasy one.

There is nothing that you can do about what he said to you or whether he may also see women the way that he described to you. What you can do is change your reaction to it. Try not to take it personally and understand that men's views on sex are often very different to women's.

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All mens say I love u, when they want sex, and every man sees a women in a wrong way, and he first looks at their private parts only, and if a man gets a chance he will sleep with a women, even if she is married or no, it does not make a difference, he will not leave a chance, and If I was a man even I would have thought this way"

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What an idiot, say things like that! OP, don't take it personal, people say stupid things all the time!

Thank you very much for your answers, there are lot many things my husband hides from me... his family matters, friends, mails etc... I am trying to get involved in other church activities that makes me busy... but don't know where my relationship is heading too... Please pray for us.. and kindly advise in what way I can build my relation.. like I have tried my best as in, I had never cooked in my life before I was married, but after we were married I learnt to cook and made him his fav food all the time, I used to do a job and come home and do all the household work alone and was happy also... but when his aunt called once, on the phone in front of me he lied saying that we both do everything together, I know these are petty things and I am getting over this... but my husband is the least interested types... he will never comment on anything, he was like this with his family even before marriage, it seems whatever was going on in his family he would be least interested, but after we have got married, he has got very close to his family and does not want me to get involved at all, I feel I am living with a fake person, in 3.5 yrs of marriage, he never raised his voice also on me, I mean we never had any fights, arguments, even if I tell him something, he will just listen and say OK.. and not bother, I feel I am living with a fake person, he never comments on anything like the way I look, what he likes nothing at all, but he is caring as in, when baby makes noise, he will take her and go so that I don't get disturbed. Even if I am upset and won't talk to him, he will not even come and ask if sometjing is bothering me... I am actaully confused as to what should I do... to make this marriage a open and romantic one... as in at least he talks to me his feelings,

I think that there are a couple of different things going on here, according to another post of yours.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...me-385252.html

The first thing that I would say, is that you can't make someone something that they are not.

He's not open with you, he hides things, he's not romantic or complimentary. You can't change these things about him - he will probably never be the romantic husband you so desire.

But you can change your reaction. Stop nagging him. Stop crying. Stop expecting him to be something he may never be.

You say he's good with the baby and considerate in other ways. Start thanking him for his consideration, start thanking him for looking after the baby, start complimenting him on how he looks, keep cooking him nice meals.

All I'm suggesting is that you change the dynamic in the relationship. So far your approach hasn't worked. Try approaching it differently. You will feel stronger and less upset, and you husband may in time respond the way you desire.

It wounds llike (and I read the other post and responses) he is a very selfish, self-centered, unloving person with a life outside his marriage, that does not include you. Not even with his family.

With it being an arranged marriage, you would have really had no way to really know his personality and characteristics, because his family is putting him up to be a very good catch and marriage mate, for you. And your family picked him based upon how he was presented. Naturally, the truth is a bit blurred.

This ancient tradition of arranged marriages is so at odds with modern day, even in India. You are really between two worlds. You have all the freedoms any democratic country has, yet, the most significant decision of your life, that being your life partner, is one that you cannot choose for yourself.

I don't like the blackmail that goes along with that. There have been many posts on this topic where arranged marriages are demanded by parents, or lose all connection with your family.

An Indian male friend of mine said that arranged marriages are business deals. And when all is considered, the divorce rate is no more than western, traditional marriages, maybe even better. He is my only Indian friend, so I don't know how true that is, but I suppose there is good intent by parents in there somewhere.

Consider this:

With the advancement of time, spread of education and campaigns of human rights activists, divorce has become a way to break free from the marital clutches for many women. Couples facing difficulties in equating there levels of compatibility are now filing for divorce in order to renew their life afresh. In fact, the rate of divorce is rapidly rising in the Indian metropolis.

India Divorce, Divorce in India

You do not have to live your entire life with any man, simply because it was arranged for you. I realize that tradition and family obligations are a heavy burden to overcome, but, you can divorce, if you choose to.

If you love your husband, and he is willing to work on his marriage, you can seek counselling together. You can also become independent, educated, and self supporting.

Do you feel you have a choice here?

All I can say is that my husband never shows any interest for any other woman ever. When I ask him if he likes a woman he rolls his eyes and says "what's the point? I have a goddess! Who else could possibly compare?"

Not all men are insensitive. Not all men are lust-puppies. Some men do love. And there is such a thing as a "one and only".

I agree with Jake and I wish as well as the others.
You are in an arranged marriage.
He sounds like he is a very private person that just doesn't know how to be open about his feelings.

Have you ever just walked up to him and given him a hug out of the blue?

You need to try some different approaches to get him to turn his head and notice you.
Maybe make a romantic dinner with some candles.

It is good you are trying to get involved in things outside of home and marriage and that he isn't stopping you on that.

Try finding and looking at positives and tell him what you do appreciate about him.
Even if its something as little as I liked the way you smiled at breakfast yesterday.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I agree with Jake and I wish as well as the others.
You are in an arranged marriage.
He sounds like he is a very private person that just doesn't know how to be open about his feelings.

Have you ever just walked up to him and given him a hug out of the blue?

You need to try some different approaches to get him to turn his head and notice you.
Maybe make a romantic dinner with some candles.

It is good you are trying to get involved in things outside of home and marriage and that he isn't stopping you on that.

Try finding and looking at positives and tell him what you do appreciate about him.
Even if its something as little as I liked the way you smiled at breakfast yesterday.

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Not sure about that one. Normally I would agree, but in this case it seems to me that he should be appreciating her more.

BUT it is obvious that with his ways he will not
She needs to break the ice or it will always be the same because he is NOT going to take the initiative here at all whatsoever.
She wants things different it is up to her to find a way to make them different.

YES he SHOULD be appreciating her more
That is the problem. If he were going to he already would have been done it!
Its not in his nature

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

BUT it is obvious that with his ways he will not
she needs to break the ice or it will always be the same because he is NOT going to take the initiative here at all whatsoever.
She wants things different it is up to her to find a way to make them different.

YES he SHOULD be appreciating her more
that is the problem. If he were going to he already would have been done it!
Its not in his nature

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It is a shame the responsibility should fall on her.

That is why, in my own opinion, arranged marriages are as good as a crime.

Yeah I agree arranged marriages are equal with a crime. Now she has to work with what she has. So the only thing she can do is get creative and turn it into a positive the best she can.

In some situations like this, the wife and husband just ignore each other and build separate lives. Not very romantic, but for some people it works. I think he said what he said to lower your expectations and hurt you.

Yes. Aside from divorce, that is the only way she will be happy.

I hope she will be.

I agree, It's probably another arranged marriage lost cause.

I think she is building a life of her own
She said she is getting involved in church activities and trying to find things outside the home
But wants to make her marriage work because she doesn't like feeling alone yet married.
She is looking for ideas to do that. That is why I am trying to come up with some constructive ideas that may or may not work.