I am 25 years old,, my mom is married to my dad for 28 years now. She says it's the biggest mistake of her life, a mistake her brother committed.
We hail from a very orthodox family where marriages are decided by the head of the family, specially for women. My mom got married to my dad when she was just 21 and my brother was born the same year. Ever since the 1st day of marriage, she has been regretting it.
2 n half years later, I was born. My dad saw that I was a gal and left the room. Ours is a male dominated family. My bro is the only grandson to my grandparents. We are 7 girls and 1 boy (grandchildren-male child's off-springs only).

I really don know how to explain my dad. The things he does, I can write a book on him. Sometimes I feel he has dual personality.
He resigned from his job years ago. Now he sits idle at home. This, I feel is the reason his torture has increased.
My mom works in a bank. She leaves home around 9 n comes bac at 6.30. At home she does almost all the work. Still my dad says she does nothing. He takes a lot of money from her. She has taken a lot of loan and no matter how many times she tells it to him, he doesn't care. He is living a lavish life while momz suffering.
He gets angry for no reason, he throws food if she is late in serving, he shouts bad words at her,, he also used to rape her when my bro and I were home. My mom had to oblige so that she could hide my dadz real character from us. Fortunately now she locks herself in a room. He made her do all that she didn't wan to. She said se felt like a pros who did get paid.
When we were young, she you to get beaten up if we didn't get good marks, or I we did something wrong. I never knew tis until I got married.
Likewise,my momdidn know how my da treated me, until she opened herself up to me. My dad used to treat me like I was not his. He nevr cared for me. He'd beat me up before mom got home and warn me from telling her, he'd buy things for my bro and not for me. As I grew up, a lot of things changed. My dad spread a rumor that I slept with many of my frens. He said he heard from a fren of mine and locked me in a room for 15 days. I contacted my fren and he assured me that he said nothing. He in fact came home and said it right to my dadz face. I came to know from my mom that dad had said many such things to her about me because of which she had lost her faith in me.
I was fortunate enough that I got married to the man I fell in love with. Soon as I met my hubby, I turned against my dad and have been against him ever since. He has been taking this out on my mom. Mom tried leaving him and running away but failed. She even applied for divorce but dad came to know and something happened because of which she withdrew the application and she is not ready to tell me what happened.
I stay about 400kms from my dad and he frequently travels to my place now, that's because m pregnant. I lost my 1st baby and this has been a major blow to my dad. He loved my baby. Now he fears that if he treats me badly, he won't be able to c his grandchild.
I had planned to take my mom with me. But since I stay so close, it has been an issue. I feel the only solution to my momz problem is that I get as far away from my dad as possible and take her with me. My hubby has been trying abroad but since he has 4+ years experience, its tough to get a decent job abroad. The only issue with his job is that his experience in this profile is for 2+ years only as he was working for a different profile for another 2 years.
If any of you have a better solution, kindly let me know...

P.S. there are many other things my dad did to me and ma mom which I have not given here, if I do, I'l need more than one topic,,

What country are you in?

She does need to get away and if that means you taking her in that is what you need to do.
I agree living that close could be dangerous for your mom to leave right now.

I don't know if where you live has Protection from Abuse laws where she could get a restraining order against him if she did leave to be with you. She definitely needs to do something.
Where I live they have domestic abuse shelters too. If she needed to hide that might be a good idea.

Well, we have no such law here,, I live in South India,, most people blame women if she files for a divorce. N if she runs away, the 1st thing people say is that she has an affair. If she is found somewhere, she is charged and made feel guilty and thrown back to hell. That's how it is here.
As for filing a case against ma dad, its not that easy. My parents stay in a village and ma dad knows each n everyone there (the village is named after our family, our ancestors also lived there). They know he is rude n harsh but they have this feeling that he cares a lot for his family. He never lets anyone know how he treats us. In fact, my bro himself didn't know it until recently.

Here is a link that I hope your mother will find useful.It is a shelter for abused and battered woman in South India.
USPG - Projects - Women’s Centre in Trivandrum, South India

Hey artlady, I went through the site you suggested,, the 1st few words I found were
Many women in South India, in both rural and urban communities have been on the receiving end of abuse, suppression, humiliation, forceful dowry and mental trauma.

The Women's Centre, run by the Church of South India in Trivandrum, the capital of Kerala, provides the voiceless and suffering women with shelter, medical aid and marriage guidance counselling.

The centre's core vision is to encourage women to become self-dependant through vocational and leadership training.

- to start with, my mom is a very orthodox Hindu Brahmin. Therez no way she'l depend on a church, no matter what.
- marriage counsellin is no use because ma dad won't attend any.
- Mom works for a Bank, has been working for 30 years now and is earning enough to feed 3 people but its ma dadz reckless spending and lavish life which is making it impossible for her to save any and return the loan which she had to take because of him.

The Women's Centre is for those women who are uneducated, jobless, widows, orphans or women living with abusive husbands in small villages and who are under poverty line.

I won't let my mom go to any shelter as long as I am alive. Its either with me, my bro or as she likes it, but never a shelter.

Hi,

I feel great to be writing on this thread today.

Ma mom shifted to an apt in the city a few months bac. Dadz in the village and visits often. His every visit is bad as living with him but that's not the point.

Mom agreed to leave her job n stay with me n hubby looking after our baby (due Jan 2010). She is excited. Her only condition is that I have to work so that she can tell ma dad that since m working I need someone to look after the baby, and cook for us. She has made her mind and m sure she won't change it. She has already informed her couple of her colleagues about it.

I know how hard a life ma mom has lead, so does ma hubby. Hubby is more like a son to her than a son-in-law. He loves her a lot too. He respects her for all that she has been through and still is strong enough to be living with ma dad. I know she is excited and happy because she says this will be the best part of her life. Living with her children, looking after her grandchild as she likes n FREEDOM. No bad words used on her, no blames, no beatings, no fear.

Hey you have no idea how happy we are listening to all this.I hope your mum shifts with you and you and your husband give her all the love you need.
There are one of d very few lucky ones who get to spend their lives with d one they love.
That's how india is and will be for a long time.

I wish you luck and all the happiness in the world.
I hope you give her all the happiness she deserves.

Thank You Araina...

Update:
I delivered on 1st Jan. Dad came to the Hospital and pretended to be NOT INTERESTED. I didn't care either. Later, when my aunt visited him, he blamed me, said I didn't ask him to see the baby. Does a grandfather need invitation to see his grand-daughter?
On my momz request, I agreed to let her invite him home. He again pretended not to be interested but came home the very next day. Since then, he kept threatening me and also a irritating me. He wakes up the baby when I put her to sleep after feeding, he covers her cradle with a cloth and not a net,, he switches on the fan when its off and switches off when I keep it on, n so on. He threatens me saying he'l take her away and I'l never be able to see her again.
I got so angry and frustrated, I started ignoring him,, a lot. I didn't let him see the baby. I locked up the room and said I was feeding, whenever he came. I answered bac whenever he got angry at my mom. Now-a-days he visits but doesn't talk to me, doesn't even look at the baby. Mom feels bad about it but I am glad.
Have I done a mistake by not letting him see his grand-daughter?

I feel for your plight. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to honor both your parents even under these extreme conditions. I researched an article that you may find interesting and maybe your mom should read it after you have.

Ref:

http://www.hinduwebsite.com/hinduism/h_divorce.asp

Thank you califdadof3,, I went through the site you referred, well, frankly, a lot has changed. Hindu culture is not the same as before. We women have our rights now, though not everyone demands it. My dad has been following the old culture, and hence my mom is forced to follow it. He tried to imply it on me too, but failed.

Anyway, y'day dad came home. He left within a few minutes and while leaving he said he'd never come again. Mom felt bad and decided that we visit him. I drove her to OUR home(where dad stays - presently mom and I stay in a rented apartment).
Dad opened the door and immediately started to ignore. We stayed for an hour while he pretended to sleep. Another hour we spent there while mom tried to talk to him and he kept ignoring her and pretended to be busy with the pups.
Then mom took ma baby and followed him everywhere he went. He ignored her completely while she tried to make him feel good. Almost half hour there.
I got angry and asked her to leave immediately. We did leave and dad didn't even to stop us (mom always stops dad from leaving when she feels he is hurt). Mom was hurt, but she was more angry then she was hurt. She never expected dad to ignore the baby. To him, his ego means more than love.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I respect the fact that you're trying to include your father in its life, but in the end, I have to ask 'why?'

Just because he's your father, does not mean he has to be in your life.

The more you push or try to entice him, the more reason he has to ignore and disrespect you. He continually tries to provoke you by annoying the baby and when you try to get his attention with the baby he ignores you.

It's a push-pull cycle that will never stop unless you take the initiative. There is a long standing cycle of abuse here, why would you want to perpetuate it and include your new-born child in it?

Abusers are abusers, regardless of age, religion or nationality. Sadly, your father is an abuser but you and your mother keep buying into it by connecting with him and allowing him into your home and your lives. Why do you expect something of him that he has no capacity to give? This man does not know what LOVE is or how to give it. You are absolutely right, all he knows is ego and control.

The best thing you can do is ignore him. Allow him into your life if he behaves well, but exclude him from your life if he behaves badly.

YOU control HIM. Not the other way round!

PS Stop being the go-between for your parents issues. Your mother has to learn how to be strong as well. That's her responsibility, not yours.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Congratulations on your new baby.

I respect the fact that you're trying to include your father in its life, but in the end, I have to ask 'why?'

Just because he's your father, does not mean he has to be in your life.

The more you push or try to entice him, the more reason he has to ignore and disrespect you. He continually tries to provoke you by annoying the baby and when you try to get his attention with the baby he ignores you.

It's a push-pull cycle that will never stop unless you take the initiative. There is a long standing cycle of abuse here, why would you want to perpetuate it and include your new-born child in it?

Abusers are abusers, regardless of age, religion or nationality. Sadly, your father is an abuser but you and your mother keep buying into it by connecting with him and allowing him into your home and your lives. Why do you expect something of him that he has no capacity to give?? This man does not know what LOVE is or how to give it. You are absolutely right, all he knows is ego and control.

The best thing you can do is ignore him. Allow him into your life if he behaves well, but exclude him from your life if he behaves badly.

YOU control HIM. Not the other way round!

PS Stop being the go-between for your parents issues. Your mother has to learn how to be strong as well. That's her responsibility, not yours.

---

Hi Gemini,

Thank you,

Well, to start with, my mother has been strong for 29 years, Its impossible to live with a man like my dad who has been playing around with her for these many years. I asked my mom why she continued to live with him? Why didn't she divorce him?
She tried and failed. She refused to give me details.
I asked her why didn't she just leave him? Transfer to some other place (she works in a bank)? She said she couldn leave me and my bro with him to suffer. My mom suffered so that my bro and I could be happy (though she didn't know dad was abusing me too). I am interfering now so that mom can have a better future. She will be resigning this month end and staying with me forever.
As far as ignoring my dad is concerned, I already am ignoring him. As I said, it was my mom who asked me to take her to where dad is, she was the one who tried to make him talk and c the baby, not me. I know he is waiting for me to act like my mom is, but I am never going to do that. I already told mom that I have no intention of having him back in my life. I am happy he is out. I don't want his shadow to fall on my baby. I just didn't want to hurt my mom and hence let her do what she wants. But I have already warned her that once she comes with us, there is no turning back. I give her all the right to my baby, I'l let her look after my baby as she wants but when it comes to my dad, its my decision. From the moment he ignored my baby, I decided NEVER to let him touch her.

My mom is very soft hearted. She can't see anyone suffer. In fact, she hates to watch tragedy movies. To her, everyone has to be happy, doesn't matter if she suffers, others have to be happy. This character of hers caused her a lot of pain. My dad knows about it and took advantage of her. He still tried to take advantage but he is failing since I come in between. I know I have no right to come in between them but I have to. I can't see my mom suffer more. I can't control my dad but I can control my mom. I make sure she doesn't give-up and suffer again.