Hey all, I'm new to this site but was after some advice...

I go to football matches every week and in the pub before the game, there's this man I always used to talk to, we got on so well laughing and joking all the time. I always liked him but never would have acted on it because he's 11 years older. BUT I kept bumping into him in the most unlikely places and we both said it felt like fate, so we started dating. Everything was good at first, then I suddenly started being clingy and I don't know why, I think I saw something potentially really good with him.

He told me twice I needed to chill out, I listened but still texted/rang a little too much... We ended up arguing and him saying to leave him alone. I left him a few days then rang him, he said I turned into Jekyll and Hyde, at first and when in the pub I was funny happy nice etc then when I wasn't with him I got all possessive! I asked him if I could show him I wasn't like I'd acted.. He said he would still talk to me in the pub but wasn't looking forward to seeing me, but that I may be able to convince him and at some point we may be able to go on another date!

Now I need help because the football starts again tomorrow and I don't know how to act? How do I make him see me in the light he did at first? Normally I wouldn't be bothered but me and him had a strong connection and I never would go for someone that much older, but with him it didn't matter!

Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Thanks

From what you describe of his reaction, you two could not have connected as you thought, or he would not have foiund you 'clingy'. You ask 'how do I act'. I can't tell you that. You have been reacting to him the way your nature predicts and this is hard to change. Is this venture really all that necessary? If he doesn't want to see you, then I don't know how you can change that.

I guess he wasn't 'all that into you'.

I guess he liked your attitude because he thought you were like one of the guys, not a g/f.

Tick

I see your reasoning behind what you are saying but he even said himself that we connected really well and he still said it when we spoke recently... I was very clingy and I can completely see why he got fed up but I couldn't stop myself, I realise my mistake and just want to show him I'm not like that. He has just asked for some space and to just talk to me at the football for a while and see what happens! I just don't know whether I'm best to not mention me and him for a few weeks and concentrate on re building our good fun friendship and take it from there? I don't want to give up on him because I know he likes me, he's just stressed with work and I made it worse with my constant need for his attention. Am I best to just not mention things for a while and just see what happens or ask to talk about it?

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Originally Posted by Footychick

. Am I best to just not mention things for a while and just see what happens or ask to talk about it?

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Hi again, footy, I agree with you, just keep it perfectly casual and light when you see him. Don't phone, don't mention dating again. Make him laugh and enjoy himself with you being a friend and not a prospective lover (Idont know how far your relationship went, you didn't say). I hope this works out for you. Some fellas are just so 'dyed in the wool', or set in their ways and maybe he just doesn't know how to handle a relationship right now. I hope he will in the future for your sake. Have a good time !

All the best,
Tick

Thank you :-) and in response to how far it went, just dating, not intimate... He stayed at mine a few times and he took me out to meet all his friends and introduced me as his other half... Early on things were great until I changed! I'm going to do as you say and just try and build up that connection with him again, so he doesn't feel stressed around me like he might for a bit tomorrow when we first meet! Fate brought us together so in hoping it brings us back together!

The reason he said you had a connection in the beginning is because he didn't know you well enough. Now that he knows you better, he probably feels differently about you.

Things are suppose to happen naturally. If he feels that you are too clingy, then I'm sure that's not the only problem. If he really wanted something more serious with you, he would tell you his concern and help you fix it. But it doesn't look like he's willing to put the effort, so it's only a one way effort.

I would say that he's not as interested as you as before. Feelings change. You can still try to talk to him, but you can't force him to feel the same way that you feel about him.

Well he told me I was too clingy a couple of weeks before we argued... He told me to chill out, I did but one thing caused me to go back to how I had been so that's when he said to give him a few days! It's because he still talks to me and things I'm confused. Like I say he texted me saying he'd speak to me tomorrow and to just give him time! His best mate, who I know too is convinced he'll want me back after a few days talking to me without the tension. I just want him to see the real me again, when I said this to him he said I would get chance at the football! Before I started being clingy he was planning days out to different cities, me and him travelling to football matches in other cities together, he said we may still be able to do them if I stop ringing/texting so much! I'm just confused!

If you were clingy and it is not your nature to be clingy then it shows that you were not feeling secure about something. Did you have a feeling that he was maybe seeing somebody else? You need to get to the root of why you 'turned' clingy. Was it something to do with not trusting him or was it that you were feeling overly posessive or something?
Until you figure it out and resolve it within yourself you most likely will end up making the same mistakes.

Guys hate being interrupted or never knowing when to expect you to phone and text it does show insecurity and mistrust even if you were only missing him

I don't know what you say to him to make him feel clingy, but if I really liked a girl, I would be happy if they called me. I might feel uneasy if they constantly ask me what I'm doing and who I'm with, but I would definitely be happy if they called me to see how I'm doing. It really depends on what you say to him.

I think people over do it with the calling though. Like you are driving, going to the bathroom, at an important meeting, picking up something heavy and bulky,
Your phone rings and it is something not important from someone you just talked to not even a half an hour ago.

Yeah I think people over do it with calling and it does come off as clingy often.

If you really cared about that person and that person told you that they are busy, then you would respect them and hang up. You got to respect the other person's space.

But at the same time, if the feeling is mutual and BOTH of you want to talk, then I don't see anything wrong.

In this situation, it sounds like only one person wants to talk and not the other. It's not a one-way street.

One thing is set up times.
Like he says call you tomorrow.
That means that he will contact you so you wait for then. If you think you want to talk to him later that day say ''Mind if I call you tonight?'
And don't make it two, three four or more calls per day
When you act clingy coupled with all the calls it does come of as insecure.
You have to show more confidence.

I didn't not trust him at all, he is one of most trustworthy people I know! I guess I kind of just wanted to talk to him because I liked his company and missed him! I used to text him asking what he was doing etc and if he was coming to see me a lot! If I didn't get a reply a few hours later, I'd text again... He'd then ring me a few hours later saying he was working late/fell asleep and that I needed to chill out! He used to ring me/ text me before he started work and when he finished but towards the end I would text him in between and he'd get told off at work for having his phone on. I just want another chance because there's no way I'd be like that again.

I definitely over did it, wanting to know when I was going to see him etc... I trusted him so much and I know he genuinely was stressed and busy but I couldn't help myself! I just want to show him I'm not like that all... There's no way I would be again. He is such a nice man and he's just tried to be honest with me, I'm just so scared about seeing him tomorrow and spending 4 hours with him

Just be honest with him that you weren't being yourself. That the newness of actually going out with him just felt so surreal to you or something like that.

Well I rang him on Thursday( we argued on tuesday)... I told him I was the girl he knew from the pub, not the clingy person I was then... I told him everyone who knows me couldn't believe I actually went on a date with someone( I'm very fussy), so it wasn't like I was desperate! The other issue is the fact that everyone cannot believe me and him were together, I'm 11 years younger, more successful, in everyone's opinion I'm better looking and I'm 11 years younger... All his friends when they met me, were telling him he had done incredibly well to get me.

I'm scared about bringing me and him up tomorrow, I really don't know what to do for best.

Don't bring it up too much it might scare him away again. It may be best to just go out and have a good time and don't push the issue.
Sometimes less words speak more than thousands of words

See I can easily not talk about it, be all happy and smiley, exactly like I was before because it wasn't an act it's who I am! I'm just hoping if we start having fun again, whether it'll make him see sense or make him think I'm not talking about it because I'm mad and don't want him anymore? I told him I'm going to show him I'm not clingy, so maybe I am best to let actions speak louder than words. I really do think it was going somewhere until I started harassing him!

Yeah you need to bring it up some but not to where you sound desperate. Bring it up like letting him know. Balance, timing and saying the right thing at the right time is the key.

That's what I'm not very good at though! His best friend really likes me and I know he'll try and help the situation! See before, we flirted loads and I don't know if I should flirt now. Even if it took 6 months for a date, I would wait! I told him that and his response was ' well, chill out and in x amount of time you never know, but at the minute you text me so much I don't even read them'. Think I'm going to be so stressed by the time I see him tomorrow haha!