Ask Me Help Desk - Too much in love

I read dozens of posts about breaking up, and No Contact which works great. But what about moving a new relationshp on to a better level.

In a new relationship the people dating may at times be dating two or three people at a time. BUT, what happens when one of those starts getting more serous and wants to change it to just the couple dating.

How do we deal with it when the other is not there yet. It is not cheating, since there was no commitment but the feelings of not wanting them dating others is there.

I know there is no good answer I guess but how does others deal or have dealt with this

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I read dozens of posts about breaking up, and No Contact which works great. But what about moving a new relationshp on to a better level.

In a new relationship the people dating may at times be dating two or three people at a time. BUT, what happens when one of those starts getting more serous and wants to change it to just the couple dating.

How do we deal with it when the other is not there yet. It is not cheating, since there was no committment but the feelings of not wanting them dating others is there.

I know there is no good answer I guess but how does others deal or have dealt with this

I have been in this situation with a girl years ago. We dated for months, just basically partying, having sex, going to places like Acapulco, Florida, etc. Well in the meanwhile SHE wanted to take it to the next level. I was young(25) and knew I didn't want to get serious yet. I also found out during our time together, that she was very racist. Being half Lebanese, and kind of used to having racist things said to me, THAT is something that I was not going to have in a mate. So I just ended it. She took it bad, saying I lead her on. I never said I loved her,never promised her anything, never acted like it was anything more than what it was. Which to both of us at the time it was alcohol drenched sex and fun. I was the bad guy, to her, her parents, her grandparents...

Yes, never thought I would be here, I have been dating what I feel is a perfect lady ( no one perfect but perfect for me) Same interests and we have fun together. She has been divorced a couple of years and I think just not ready or scared to make another commitment.

Can I ask you what she says when you discuss this?

We had this issue also, she wanting to go very fast in the beginning, and I wanted more in the end, unfortunately we never really talked about it, but rather fought over stupid things. I guess it is important to bring it up, but trying to avoid making it a heavy talk. Wait for a good moment and touch the subject lightly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, never thought I would be here, I have been dating what I feel is a perfect lady ( no one perfect but perfect for me) Save interests and we have fun together. She has been divorced a couple of years and I think just not ready or scared to make another commitment.

I thought that this was a question in general, not from personal experience. I think the best thing in those types of situations where both parties feel the same about each other, but one wants to move on, is to just keep chugging along, enjoying each other. Then, one day in the future, hopefully she will be ready to take it the next level. The most important thing is to not make her choose, all or nothing. She's been divorced a couple of years and maybe she's still a little gun shy.

Give her time. Just keep being you. The you she enjoys.

I guess another perspective is which side of the situation you are on.

When I was dating my wife she was dating someone else, both he and I were on a 'dating' level with her. I had decided that I wanted more so I began to work on it. When the opportunity presented itself I would bring up things that made her think about getting more serious in our relationship.

The point is that I was 'testing the waters' to see what her response might be. When I received positive reactions I began to pursue a more definitive approach that would illuminate the competition. He had been dating her for about three months when I met her, but it wasn't moving forward.

It got interesting when he realized that things were 'picking up' with us and he came on a little too strong and became controlling and demanding. Not what she wanted.

When he bumped into us in a restaurant and made a complete a$$ out of himself that was the last straw for her.

She tried to explain to him that they were dating and that was all, he believed that it was more.

So, what I am saying is that by 'testing' with actions and or questions you will get a reaction that will tell you about where things stand.

Our personal experiences sometimes enables us to help others.
Take it nice slow.and good luck.

Our feelings, and needs, often drive us to actions that may be impulsive, and premature.

I think once you make a decision, and want more, you have to be more aware of what your partner is feeling, and pay a lot more attention, not only to them, but yourself also.

The best thing is, to go slow and make sure of your own feelings, and how you deal with them, as wanting something is useless if another person doesn't want the same thing.

Ask yourself, whats the hurry? The danger of wanting is, to focus to much on the getting, and with people that's a clear disaster when it puts pressure on them to give it to you. They have wants, and needs, too.

Establish the communications, and see how willing your partner is to be exclusive first, and never presume you have anyone. That's where we all have a hard time. We want a relationship, but never define what we want in a relationship, as honestly, that takes a lot of time to do.

It may look good on paper, but without the due diligence, and honest expressions, it never advances past the wanting stage.

My advice, is have fun getting to know each other until your at a point, you both want the same thing. Stay balanced with your life, and keep expectations reasonable, as balance is crucial, for a realistic perspective.When in doubt, ASK.

Sorry this got so long Charles, but I know an awful lot about your situation, as you are my age, and have been here on this forum, long as I have. Rush into something without paying attention to where your partner is in her life, is what most youngsters do because, of intense feelings. Just give yourself a chance by working through those feelings, and she will have a chance to work through her own, as well.

Again, what's the hurry?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

our personal experiences sometimes enables us to help others.
Take it nice slow.and good luck.

My thoughts exactly, sorry had to spread the rep, AGAIN!

Thank you guys, I am not normally the one asking the questions, and it is so much easier to set behind the screen but when it is happening to you, the pain or jealous feelings seem to blind us.

And I guess no one though of me being the one dating, as most have known I separated and divorced a couple of years ago myself, although the child custody has been a on going issue, finally settled last month

This lady was a friend from over a year that romance has been the last few months and has been progressing more serous on it own, Guess I have moved a little faster.
Slow and easy is one of my faults

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Thank you guys, I am not normally the one asking the questions, and it is so much easier to set behind the screen but when it is happening to you, the pain or jealous feelings seem to blind us.

And I guess no one though of me being the one dating, as most have known I seperated and divorced a couple of years ago myself, although the child custody has been a on going issue, finally settled last month

This lady was a friend from over a year that romance has been the last few months and has been progressing more serous on it own, Guess I have moved alittle faster.
Slow and easy is one of my faults

Slow and easy won the race for the tortoise, but that's hard for the heart to understand.