Ok hi all,
Most of you probably know me and my story. If not you can read my first thread.
I had a bit of a tough weekend and just felt like sharing / venting. I ran into my ex out and about on Saturday night. I was with a few of my friends / acquaintances and she was with her sister and few other people.
It is only the 3rd or 4th time I have seen her since we broke up about 7 months ago.
Anyway, one thing that really annoys me is that I am constantly reminded by people how I have lost the greatest most beautiful girl in the world. These aren't my true friends saying these things but rather other people who I guess you would say are aquaintences. My real friends have been great.
And this isn't her fault either but she is just such a wonderful and kind hearted person that people can't help but love her and many are only to keen to share this with me.
And to tell you the truth it gets me down at times. Well anyway, things were OK between us when we seen each other. We just gave each other a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and a really quick chat. Her sister completely ignored me. I don't know why. But that hurt. I've done nothing wrong to her and it makes me sad that she doesn't seem to have any respect for me.
Anyway, a little later someone came up to me again just to tell me how great shana looks and blah blah blah. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't really interested.
But here is where I stuffed up. I found out that she is invited to my best mates sons birthday party in a week or two. This is fine because my best mates wife is one of my ex's really close friends and my ex often baby sits etc their son. She has as much right to be invited as me.
I must add that I had been drinking too and was slightly drunk. Not over the top drunk as I keep a lid on things pretty well. I don't go overboard when I drink.
Anyway, I simply wrote him a text telling him that if my ex goes then I don't want to be there and I won't be there because I don't feel completely comfortable. And I don't want it to be uncomfortable on his sons day. Which in hindsight is rubbish because I would be completely comfortable with her being there and have in fact been completely fine around her the few times I've seen her.
It was just a real bad weekend. My dog is sick and in hospital, my mum and dad went away on holidays and I am left home alone and that's when I get lonely and a little down. I just felt so low yesterday and not much better today.
I used a few choice words about her which I really didn't mean. It was just frustration and anger built up from the night and the bad couple of days. I said a couple of things about her that I really don't feel. The words I used weren't nice but it was just a little bit of drunk talk between mates. In actual fact it is the complete opposite to the feelings I have about her and us.
But here is the big stuff up. Rather then send it to him I somehow pressed the wrong button and end up replying to a message she had sent me earlier in the night apologising for her sisters behaviour towards me. I don't have her nunmber in my speed dial as I deleted it long ago for this very reason. It was a complete accident but I sent the message to her instead of my mate.
OUCH, and now I'm really upset about it. I had been doing so well and had not ever said a bad word about her to anyone. Because the truth is I don't hate her. I'm not mad at her. I have a lot of respect for her and will always love her in some way. I can't be mad at her for her being honest and following her heart.
Problem is how do I now fix what I have done. I don't know what to do. Some of the things I said weren't nice. It didn't mean them I was just trying to make a point to my mate and it is how we talk. You know. Guy talk.
I know we aren't together and I should focus on myself but I just don't want her thinking that I meant the things I said. Because I don't. As I said there were a few expletives and couple of words I wouldn't use to describe her at all.
I feel like so much dignity and respect that I have earned over the past few moths has been lost again from one moment of stupidity.
I'm ashamed and disgusted at myself.
Any suggestions??