Hi all, my first post but a problem that’s been around for a while. My mother and father separated 4 years ago, 2 days after Christmas. Through a work colleague in the same social circle as my father she said to me – one week after we found out he has asked mum to leave the family home “how are you now that she has moved it” me being the little detective, I went to his home when I knew he would not be home and peeked through the windows and saw a woman’s possession all through the house, photos of her children, wedding pics of her daughter all set up as if she has been there for ever. I confronted my father as said I under stand that you relationship with mum did not work out are you having an affair with this woman that has moved in. He said NO flat not I was being stupid no. I have since heard from several people that they were aware of this affair before the separation, because of the way he treated my mother in the final years of their relationship how he went about the separation and the suspension of this affair. I have cut almost all ties with him. I receive a card every Christmas and Birthday and in every card there is a letter saying life is to short to miss out on having a father and that I should believe him about the woman. My questions is what is you advise and what direction should I go I do not believe him, but way way down inside there is a part of me that says “he is you father get over it” I’m just so torn and advised from family and friends is not helpful they all choose sides Please help?

I really advise you to get back together with your father. There is no subsitute for a dad, and your father is so right when he says that your relationship shouldn't be torn because of a woman. Believe me down the road it will seem petty. From what I have read, that lie was the only thing he did to you personally. You shouldn't confuse what your mom and dad went through, and what he did to your mom, with what he did to you. The problems with your parents should begin and stop with them, you shouldn't have to worry or take sides on any of their personal matters. He probably lied to you because he might have felt ashamed about being with a different woman, so instead of talking it out he denied it. But still he sounds like he understands what he missing, not being able to be with his daughter, and that really is the sign of a good father. When he can understand his scew ups and try and reach out to you, shows how much he really cares. I hope you seriously consider getting back in touch with him, I know it can be hard, but he sounds like he really wants to make it up to you. And shouldn't people be given a second chance?

That up there was my advice, I really hope you consider it, but I know when people offer advice on these type of things, the first thing that comes to mind is has this guy ever been through it or what not. And I have. Last May, I told my dad that I don't want to be apart of his life anymore. And although I said it in a moment of anger, I was building up to that deciscion. And it by far is one of the hardest things to live with day to day. After a while, you no longer care what you fought about, but I had a lot different circumstances. The biggest being, and I believe most crucial, is that my dad never reached out like yours, every time I was the person trying to close the gap, and eventually I got sick of it, and we parted ways. Which leads me to believe, your dad is leaps and bounds ahead of mine, and I hope you give him a second chance. Peace.

I would advise you that whether the story is true or false. It is time that you have forgiven your father and give him that chanch. It is time to see him and face him and try to make a relationship work. No matter what happened between your father and mother was between the two of them and had nothing to do with you.

Joe

I would talk to your father.
Life is too short to hold grudges.
I know it hurts you because he hurt your mother, but that issue was between them.

My father passed away 2 years ago and I had a very strong bond with him, a very special relationship. I still miss him.
Consider yourself lucky that you still have a dad, so please make the most it. Don't let the past ruin what you 2 could share. You see my point? What if something had to happen to him. How would you feel if you left what you had in bad terms!

I know what it means to have no father and in your instance I personally would make to effort to at least keep a good relationship with him, he is your dad after all. He wants it work between you.

I tend to agree with your own closing statement. Yes, he is your father, so get over it. I'm sure he still loves you as he always did and you should give him the same in return. I'm not condoning the affair he had with this woman and walking out on your mother and you don't have to either. However, whatever problems existed between your father and mother are ultimately between the two of them and have nothing to do with you so it's really not your place to take sides. You can still love and honor your father as such while realizing he made a mistake. Also, not to play devil's advocate, but I'm sure your mother isn't totally blameless either. What contribution did she make to the breakdown of their marriage? Granted your father didn't handle it constructively but that doesn't excuse her for her part in it. I've always taken exception to the idea of grown kids taking sides when parents split up, even if one seems to clearly be more guilty than the other.

Thank you for your response, since my original post. I have made contact with my father, I've sent a letter, this is his chosen method of communication, I get letters from him so I have in return send one back (I assume he is happy with this arrangement) I would like to make it very very clear, I never intended to chose a side, but he left went around Australia within two months of this news, never stuck around to talk it out, never was interested is how myself and my brothers were coping with this separation. I am well aware that sides are not meant to be taken but come on lets be serious things are not always black and white, this situation put us in a gray area and he left us there not mum but myself and my brothers his concern was his new life not the old!!

Good Luck :)