My mom and dad divorced when I was about 3 yrs old. My mom raised me along with my grandpa and grandma. I rarely saw my dad (maye 3 or 4 times until I was 10. I haven't seen him since then although I have kept track of him through other family members on his side. He never wrote me, but did I must say kept his end of the bargain with my mom and sent a check on time for my child support until he didn't have to legally any longer. That was great that he did that and I commend him for it.
I always wondered about him and knew he gor married a few years after he and my mom divorced. I actually stayed at his house overnight once sometime before I was 6 or 7 and she was there.
They had 2 girls and I knew there names by my uncle and auct as well as my step Grandma on his side.
Here is the problem. He never told his kids that I ever existed.
I wrote him about 5 yrs ago and told him "dad, I havent heard from you for years and I'd like to get to know you. We are both adults and I would love to have some kind of communication with you. My son (who was 30 at the time I wrote) has always wondered about his grandpa and I think it's time we got acqauinted and just maybe had a talk to catch up on things and meet again as well as meet your grandson.
He went ballistic and sent me a letter and said that I could have written him and now, why all of a sudden do I want to start a relationship? He said never write him again and respect his privacy. His children dont know anything about me and he wants to keep it that way.

Well when I told my mom what he said she was furious. I told her to calm down and think nothing of it although I feel it is a slap in the face. I just let it go and it burned deep inside of me. My mom passed away Oct 07 and I know it was stilleating her about what he said. I told him not to worry. I'm sure he wil come around someday. As a father myself I can't imagine EVER saying what he did to my son. I dont care what the story is!

Anyway I happened to find one of my half sisters on classmates last week. I decided to see if it was really true that she didnt know how I was. So I asked her in a private message. I said do you know who I am? I'm not your dad. (My name is the same and I am a Jr.)..She wrote back "no"... I said my email address is [email protected]e and we'll talk about it." "She said no I don't know you." So I wrote back one more time and said ok, but do you have an uncle named (My uncles name)and his wife (My aunts name) who is no longer with us?"

Well she hasn't written back yet.
I believe she really doesn't know I exist. She is 49 I am 56 and my Dad is 79.
My question is... Should I continue this or just say "I made a mistake and sorry to have bothered you". I am afraid it going to cause a huge problem and although I want nothing more in the world than to just put this to rest, I'm having a hard time. HELP ME decide what I should do when she writes back!
Thanks for your advice!

I would drop any/all attempts - I know that that is painful for you to hear but they have made their position clear.

They don't want to hear from you for whatever reason.

She replied quickly and said yes they are and were my aunt and uncle.

BUT as far as your reply, THEY did nothing. It was only him. They don't know I exist! I can only speak for me and if I had a sister or brother (half in this case) out there, I want to know!

I think that you are an adult and so is she. Your relationship with her is separate from that with your father and it is her choice whether she wants to have anything to do with you.

If this is really important to you, I would contact her and let her know who you are. It is up to her how she responds and if she responds.

You father has no right to deny you access to your half siblings - if he kept your existence a secret, then that is his problem to deal with not yours. You are all at an age when you should be able to deal with this sensibly and rationally - even if your father still can't.

My advice, - tell her who you are and see what happens. Be prepared for emotion and drama, and take it calmly. Remember, you have more invested in this than they do.

Good luck - I hope you eventually get the closure that you need.

If you have means to contact and communicate with your half-siblings, then I would extend an invitation to them to so with you, if they choose to.

I am sorry you were rejected by your father, and I hope that he reconsiders his position on this. Why he wasn't upfront about this is beyond me, especially when you provided an opportunity for him to do so. Surely he must have thought he would hear from you some day, and that you kept track of him through other relatives.

I would be rather spooked if I got your message on Facebook to be honest with you. You are a stranger to her, and she did the right thing in not responding. If you have something to say, just say who you are, and what your connection is. Then leave the ball in her court to decide what, if anything, she chooses to do.

If she doesn't contact you after you have made your intentions clear, then I would say you have to leave them alone.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

If you have means to contact and communicate with your half-siblings, then I would extend an invitation to them to so with you, if they choose to.

I am sorry you were rejected by your father, and I hope that he reconsiders his position on this. Why he wasn't upfront about this is beyond me, especially when you provided an opportunity for him to do so. Surely he must have thought he would hear from you some day, and that you kept track of him through other relatives.

I would be rather spooked if I got your message on Facebook to be honest with you. You are a stranger to her, and she did the right thing in not responding. If you have something to say, just say who you are, and what your connection is. Then leave the ball in her court to decide what, if anything, she chooses to do.

If she doesn't contact you after you have made your intentions clear, then I would say you have to leave them alone.

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Well it was through Classmates.com that I found her and wrote to her, not Facebook, which I wouldn't have done, because only she and I could see the message I wrote her through a private message.
I wrote her back and my heart was saying don't go on with this, it could cause much grief and sorrow within my father's family. I am a good person and although I want very much to let my 2 half sister's know I exist, I'm not sure I want to take a chance on all the "drama" it may produce. I wrote back and said "Sorry, I think I made a mistake. Disregard this email, and no need to mention to anyone I wrote. Have a good life".

Now here's the problem. She read it and did not respond. I am surprised because reading that, I would start to wonder like crazy how in the heck I knew the names of her aunt and uncle, that one of them is diseased, and how I got her name to choose to contact in the 1st place. But now its been 3 days and no reply to the email. I am thinking seriously of sending another and asking her isn't she curious about these things. Should I or should leave a dead dog lying? I really shouldn't care about how my father feels about this. I am appalled by his response to my contact letter. Especially when he said near the end of his reply letter "Please respect my privacy and dont write to me". (did I mention that before?)

An equation that I have not mentioned, (and trust me this has no bearing on my end but may on his), is the fact that I believe he has quite a bit of money and may think I am trying to weasel my way in to get some when he goes. I could care less and don't need his stinking money or want it. I actually am not interested in his fatherly love nor do I care to actually have a relationship with him anymore. I just feel it is all about my half siblings. This is a tough call. I'm sure you all know what I mean.
Anymore advice is appreciated. Thanks!!

I think it's quite possible that your father is aware that you contacted her on classmates already.

That she hasn't contacted you for more information by now could mean she is checking things out herself with your dad.

I wouldn't contact her again until you hear either from her, or your father.

I think it is really unconsionable of your father to know you exist, and probably know that your mother has died, and that he won't allow you to contact him or your half-siblings.

Part of me wants to say send another message to the half-sister you've found, and just tell her the whole truth because, maybe she doesn't have enough information to make up her own mind whether to contact you or not. It is her call after all, not your fathers. You really can't do it half way with just suggestive comments without any substance.

Do you think that would set your mind at ease, more than it would foster a relationship with your father and sisters? I'm really not sure about that.

Then again, he's 79 years old, and he may decide to keep you out of his life, but he can't speak for his adult children.

I am at odds with this one, and two different trains of thought. Maybe others can offer some help here that is more practical.

I think that you either decide to contact her and go down the path of meeting your half-siblings or you don't and you put it our of your mind entirely.

Why did you send an email asking her to disregard yours if you actually wanted her to contact you? Clearly she's not curious, even though you would be. (But you know the story.)

My sense is that if you don't make contact this will continue to eat at you, so do it. You have issues that need to be resolved and you seem to require some sort of closure.

I suspect that it will be a lot more complex and difficult than you imagine, so be prepared.

Well I wrote her back and asked her if she wasn't at all curious of who I am and why I contacted her and isn't she wondering how I knew her aunt and uncle. Here is her reply:
____________________________
I do know who you are. It is an unfortunate story for all. I have a family to take care of and I don't have the time for this back and forth banter. If you have something you feel you need to tell me then do so, but know that my Dad is almost 80 years old and at this point in my life I respect his wish for the past to be the past.

Be well

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Ok I am almost done with this. I want to respond to this message, in a nice way, but I want to make sure my message is written in a way that she & my father know that I am hurt by this sort of B.S. about the past being the past. I want them to know I wanted nothing from all this except to make contact with blood and possibly have some kind of dialogue, that's all. They act like I am some kind of Black Sheep of the family and just the thought of me brings on rapid acceleration of the cerebrial cortex! I will never contact any of them again after my final message reply to her, but I need to express my feelings toward all of this in a "up with me" sort of way. Any suggestions and I will not go any further with this afterwards? By the way, I approached this whole thing the way a girl once told me before a date. Expect nothing and anything I get will be a bonus! Thanks for your help folks!

I don't know why you feel a need to respond. It sounds to me like you are not the only one who has been hurt or is hurting by/from this situation. You have been advised exactly how she is feeling.

Getting in the last word is not going to change anything.

If your family wants to be in touch with you they now know how to do that.

I'd let it rest (and I realize that's difficult) but I see no benefit to anyone to continue contact.

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Originally Posted by ddpianoman

Well I wrote her back and asked her if she wasnt at all curious of who I am and why I contacted her and isnt she wondering how I knew her aunt and uncle. Here is her reply:
____________________________
I do know who you are. It is an unfortunate story for all. I have a family to take care of and I don't have the time for this back and forth banter. If you have something you feel you need to tell me then do so, but know that my Dad is almost 80 years old and at this point in my life I respect his wish for the past to be the past.

Be well

____________________________________________

Ok I am almost done with this. I want to respond to this message, in a nice way, but I want to make sure my message is written in a way that she & my father know that I am hurt by this sort of B.S. about the past being the past. I want them to know I wanted nothing from all this except to make contact with blood and possibly have some kind of dialogue, that's all. They act like I am some kind of Black Sheep of the family and just the thought of me brings on rapid acceleration of the cerebrial cortex! I will never contact any of them again after my final message reply to her, but I need to express my feelings toward all of this in a "up with me" sort of way. Any suggestions and I will not go any further with this afterwards? By the way, I approached this whole thing the way a girl once told me before a date. Expect nothing and anything I get will be a bonus! Thanks for your help folks!

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Only you know what you want to say, but perhaps you can express some of what you have in this forum - that there are 2 sides to every story, that you have felt alienated from your father (through no fault of your own), and that you had hoped to make contact with your half siblings from a desire to have some sort of closure. You are after all, the one that has lived your life without a father.

You will have to accept that their perspective and their 'story' is vastly different from yours. Say your piece, be kind and know that you will never be able to say the things that you want to the person who really needs to hear them - your father.

I think Judy is right on this after all.

What I think you should do now, is write that letter. Write it all out. The history as you remember it, the times and places and shared events. How your life has been. How you have been affected by your father's actions, and how hurt you feel that you were made to feel lke the black sheep.

Tell him you think he's irresponsible and very unkind to have not contacted you, or sent the odd card, or enquired about your family and life. Tell him he screwed up by abandoning you emotionally and otherwise.

Tell him that you resent that he went on and had a life, and buried you in his past life, as though you never existed. Express your anger and not being part of his life, and his new families life, and that you hope he will someday regret just how rich and experience could have been for all of you.

Tell him you missed him every Christmas, and secretely hoped there would be something there from him so that you knew that he knew, you were alive.

Tell him that despite you being snubbed and forgotten, you accomplished much in this life so far, and you are proud of the fact that you would never treat another human being the way he has treate you.

Tell him that he needs to learn, even at an advanced age, that history has a way of coming back and biting you in the a**, and this is his bite, and it's a big one. And you hope it hurts like hell.

Tell him that without knowing otherwise, you can only presume his actions are the fruits of his choosing, and he decided long ago to be miserable, secretive, and a liar.

And, when you get it all out, burn it. Watch the flames take away that which you will never have, and accept that the ashes left are the finite, once and for all conclusion to this life long quest. Make your peace with the past.

Then learn to live your life without hanging onto what could have been, or should have been.

Let it go. It's over.

Take it from someone who has been through this... forget about him. This man was never a father to you.. and isn't, except in biological terms.. bottom line. Paying support but being an absentee father or a sperm donor as some call it and not having a relationship with your own child or knowing them is not parenting. I am half your age, only in my late 20s and was also raised by my grandparents solely for half my childhood due to my mother's issues and my mother before that and then during my teenage years. I never got a birthday card, a telephone call to see how I was doing, a christmas gift, a trip to the park.. nothing from my "father". He would appear for school events, of course this is when my mother would reach out to him and he would call back 2 weeks later. He would appear at my house for about half an hour when he felt like it, then disappear again. I don't even know or met a single person on his side of the family, as his parents live in another country, as well as his sister. I grew up with a tremendous amount of love, from 3 people and that was more then enough. I made the decision at around the time I was in high school that I know longer needed Mr. Convient popping up whenever he felt like it. I haven't seen or spoken to him since. He also has 2 other kids from his 2nd marriage, I met them once and that was it. I'm an only child and to me it takes a lot more then a little DNA for me to call you family. I'm all grown now, have a master's degree, met a wonderful man and the Father, the only father I have had is my grandfather. The man who will walk me down the isle, the man who brought me to softball games, the man who loved and treated me as his own daughter when my biological one couldn't be bothered. I too thought about contacting my father, and telling him, now adult to adult what I though about him, letting it all out, but in reality, would that change anything, make him a normal father, help me in anyway? No, I've made it 30 years without him and can do another 30. I don't wish him any harm, but you reap what you sow in life. I'm still here, a happy, successful person not knowing that side and they were to ever contact me, I would tell them in a nice way I'm not interested. Family is based on relationships, at least to me it is, so I'm not really sure what would want, or could get from contacting this man who wasn't a parent to you. Tell your son that truth about his grandfather, and make him form his own decisions. I'm sure they won't be too good either. This man and his family are not your family in any shape and form. Let it go and move on. Be happy for the life you have. If you need any other sort of advice of this, feel free to email me.

Leave it. Why do you want to dig up more things? You were prepared for a response like this.. but once it has come- it must have made you angry and hurt. My interpretation of the letter is that they are quite shaken and it is taking a huge ffort for them to forget and keep you in the past ( meaning you still are there in the present) so let them sort out the confustion and be in peace.. you have tried at your end. Goodluck..