I'm torn. In 79 days I'm going to get married to a man that I have a mortgage with, business, pets, loans and other financial ties.
2 months ago, I was excited and counting down. However I recently went interstate for a close family friends birthday and met up with a guy I hadn't seen in 10 years. All grown up and handsome.
We clicked like nothing else. I love so many characteristics about him that my current fiancé doesn't hold, like fitness, health, religion and morals. And I can't get him off my mind. We've been in contact almost every day via text since then and a couple phone calls. He'd love to have a relationship with me to, and went as far as to ask me if id marry him in his local church if 'things don't work out'... the scary thing is id love to.
My fiancé is wonderful, he looks after me and is affectionate but I'm scared that it isn't true love. I always envisioned true love to be amazing... yearning for him throughout the day, my heart skipping a beat when I finally saw him. It used to, but these things don't happen to me anymore. I'm scared I'm settling for being content rather than true, amazing love. And I don't want the what ifs if I go through with marrying him, I don't want to be thinking maybe the relationship with that other man could have been the real thing.
I'm only young to. I'm 21, I've got years to get married and settle. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions, doubt, worry, trapped, cornered, and yet excited just about the thought of me having the guts to leave the engagement and pursue this other relationship. But so many people would be hurt. When I say hurt, they would be utterly devastated. And I live in a small town, everyone would know and be talking about it...
Could some one please give me their advice, especially if some one has ever taken that enormous leap of faith in a similar situation, it would mean the world to me.

Thanks.

I have one question...

If this man is willing to potentially break up a marriage, what is there to say that he won't cheat on you?

I don't know about other people, but when someone is engaged to marry, they are OFF LiMITS. Period.

Have you talked to your fiancée about your feelings? About your apprehensions? You're getting cold feet. It happens.

Relationships are based upon communication. Without communication, trust, and honesty, there is no relationship.

I can't tell you to dump your fiancée OR to go through with it... only you will know what's right, but I suggest that you sit down with your man and talk about this.

And if it was me, I'd cut ties with this guy that's trying to steal an engaged woman away from her fiancée.

If he's willing to try and steal you, he could be easily stolen away.

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We clicked like nothing else. I love so many characterisitcs about him that my current fiancé doesn't hold, like fitness, health, religion and morals. And I can't get him off my mind. We've been in contact almost every day via text since then and a couple phone calls. He'd love to have a relationship with me to, and went as far as to ask me if id marry him in his local church if 'things don't work out'... the scary thing is id love to.

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There will always be someone who has assets that your fiancée does not have.I am sure that your fiancée has assets that this friend does not possess.You never get a perfect person! We are all human,after all.

You never get married because if you did not so many people would be hurt and disappointed.NEVER!

Would you be willing to sacrifice your and your fiancées happiness for these people? I hope not. Everyone loses in that scenario.

If you were my best friend ,I would tell you to call it off.I understand cold feet but I think this is something more.

It sounds as if you were willing to settle and now you are not.

Do not cheat yourself or your fiancée by going into a marriage you do not feel in your heart. I can only say this again everyone loses in that scenario.

Just my thoughts.

The fact that you need to ask us this question means that you're not ready.

Take some time to figure things out. Before you make a decision. Until you are completely comfortable with marrying this man, you should wait.

Sheesh, you're so young. You say it yourself, you've got ages to get married and settle.

I'd wait - hard as it may seem, I agree with the other posters, postpone the wedding.

Many people will be hurt, but if your affections are so easily swayed now, how will you be in 5 years time if a similar thing happens?

Just quietly, I don't think that you're really ready to marry or commit to anyone, and this is why you've got 'cold feet'. I'd also be very wary of someone that's courting you whilst knowing you're about to be married - he's not behaving with integrity and neither are you.

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I'm scared I'm settling for being content rather than true, amazing love.

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True, amazing love is often a romantic fantasy - it certainly changes as time goes on. As you get older you will long for contentment with your partner, because you will understand how wonderful it can be.

I think that it is a given that you have to postpone the wedding indefinitely.

With having so many ties to your fiancé financially as well, you should be very careful how you handle this.

It's not a good idea to jump from one relationship to another, or one engagement to another engagement. You're going from the frying pan to the fire here, and you will likely end up feeling the same way about the new fellow after the bunny rabbit phase passes. And it will; all new relationships are magical, and falling in love is like a drug, but it does wear off.

You have the luxury of time to allow yourself the freedom to make a choice based on what you have decided is right for you. Not your family or friends or your fiancé or your new friend.

Take some time to reflect on the commitment you are making, and I think you will conclude that it is not meant to be, at least right now.

Also reflect on the fact that while the new fellow may be a breath of fresh air, he too is a man, and as such, you have to make very careful considerations before you get yourself entwined again.

You will have much, much more to untangle and repair if you do marry your fiancé, and it doesn't work out. The same with the new man, it could also lead you to a path of uncertainty and doubt.

As far as your fiancé goes, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

As to the new man, allow yourself time and space to deal with one problem at a time, before you jump into anything immediately. He should, the way you've described him, be more than willing to give you the time you need to figure out what you want to do.

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Originally Posted by LilMissP

I love so many characteristics about him that my current fiance doesnt hold, like fitness, health, religion and morals.
Thanks.

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I can't help but laugh at this comment. The guy is going after another man's fiancé, even going so far as proposing, And you seriously claim he has morals?

"The grass is greener on the other side because by staring at it all day you let the grass at your feet wither and die."
Cut all contact with this man and focus on your fiancé. I agree that your not quite ready to get married.

You and your fiancé have lost that new relationship buzz, its unfortunate but it happens in every relationship. It would be no different if you started a relationship with this other guy. And as others have said, there are always people that will have what your fiancé doesn't, just as he has many things they won't.

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Originally Posted by Rich11111

i can't help but laugh at this comment. The guy is going after another man's fiance, even going so far as proposing, And you seriously claim he has morals??
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What if I did cut all contact with my fiancé and years down the line I'm still kicking myself for not seeing where things could have gone with this other man?

Sorry you found my comment funny.

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Originally Posted by I wish

The fact that you need to ask us this question means that you're not ready.

Take some time to figure things out. before you make a decision. Until you are completely comfortable with marrying this man, you should wait.

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I understand what your saying, but if I was ot approach my fiancé and say 'i need time, can we postpone' he wouldn't be willing to do that. It would be a now or never situation. And as for time, I don't have it... I have 73 days to figure out what to do and I have no idea how to go about. Every one says I have to do what's best for me, do some soul searching, figure out what makes me happy not the people around my etc... but I can't answer those... I don't know what would make me happier I have no idea, because I don't know what the future holds. How are you meant to make that decision??

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

I have one question....

Have you talked to your fiancee about your feelings? About your apprehensions? You're getting cold feet. It happens.

Relationships are based upon communication. Without communication, trust, and honesty, there is no relationship.

I can't tell you to dump your fiancee OR to go through with it.... only you will know what's right, but I suggest that you sit down with your man and talk about this.

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Im to scared tot alk to my fiancé about it because of his reaction. I think he'll be really angry to hear I have doubts. And I dread the thought of him telling his family or friends about it then they all looking down on me.

And I think I've mis lead you all. He isn't trying to steal me, he isn't whispering sweet nothings in my ears... he's made it clear he has feelings for me and would love to have a relationship with me but has refrained from further feelings/emotions because he doesn't want to influence my decision. He wants me to do what makes me happy and said he will support which ever decision I make. As much as what you all may think, he isn't 'stealing' me at all.

How do you know if its cold feet or a sudden realisation? What if its only just hit me how 'in concrete this is' not so much us as a couple, but if I stayed my life is planned out around him and some of his wants... id be working for our business, not any career paths I want, id have kids shortly (that doesntphase me too much, id love children) but id like to travel and he's made it clear he wants to stay in the same town for another 5 years min, and he'll travel after 10 years of working... its planned, there really isn't any give in this.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think that it is a given that you have to postpone the wedding indefinately.

With having so many ties to your fiance financially as well, you should be very careful how you handle this.

As to the new man, allow yourself time and space to deal with one problem at a time, before you jump into anything immediately. He should, the way you've described him, be more than willing to give you the time you need to figure out what you want to do.

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I don't worry about how much money I'll loose, I worry more about what I can't afford. If I need to pay him out for something, I couldn't afford the lump sum. But I dare say he'd have the business (which doesn't bother me, its his career path) and we'd sell the house and split the profit.

It's so much easier said then done to not think of anyone than myself. And I don't know how to figure out what's right for me. What's going to make me happiest in the long run.

As for post poning I know my fiancé well enough to know he wouldn't except that- it's now or never. He wouldn't want to go through the embaressment. And I don't think he'd understand my doubts.

I just don't know how to figure tis out. I don't know how to do this 'soul searching' thing every one talks about. I don't know what to do

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Originally Posted by LilMissP

I dont worry about how much money i'll loose, i worry more about what i can't afford. If i need to pay him out for something, i couldnt afford the lump sum. But i dare say he'd have the business (which doesnt bother me, its his career path) and we'd sell the house and split the profit.

It's so much easier said then done to not think of anyone than myself. And i dont know how to figure out whats right for me. Whats going to make me happiest in the long run.

As for post poning i know my fiance well enough to know he wouldnt except that- it's now or never. He wouldnt want to go through the embaressment. and i dont think he'd understand my doubts.

I just dont know how to figure tis out. I dont know how to do this 'soul searching' thing every one talks about. i dont know what to do

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Then if you don't know what to do ,at least put off the wedding! Forget about how this is affecting anyone else and think about what you want!
Are they going to help you when you are divorced in a year?
NO! Postpone this wedding! You are not ready!

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Originally Posted by LilMissP

I dont worry about how much money i'll loose, i worry more about what i can't afford. If i need to pay him out for something, i couldnt afford the lump sum. But i dare say he'd have the business (which doesnt bother me, its his career path) and we'd sell the house and split the profit.

It's so much easier said then done to not think of anyone than myself. And i dont know how to figure out whats right for me. Whats going to make me happiest in the long run.

As for post poning i know my fiance well enough to know he wouldnt except that- it's now or never. He wouldnt want to go through the embaressment. and i dont think he'd understand my doubts.

I just dont know how to figure tis out. I dont know how to do this 'soul searching' thing every one talks about. i dont know what to do

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One thing is clear. You are confused about whether you should marry in 79 days or not. There is another man that you're interested in. But you're scared. You can't choose.

The right thing to do is to postpone the wedding.

Yes, it will be difficult, but you just have to do it. You aren't going to find the answer to your problem overnight, and it would be dishonest and lacking in integrity to go ahead.

If you have doubts now, how will you feel in a fortnight, in a month, on your wedding day, on your honeymoon? They are only going to get bigger.

Do the right thing by your husband to be and tell him. It's the grown up thing to do and you owe it to him to he honest. Otherwise, you will continue to live a lie.

When you get married it is a union - to which you should be able to tell your partner everything. If u are having doubts I think that it is only fair to share these feelings with your fiancé, he serves to know and maybe will help you make your decision. If your fiancé will give you an ultimatum, then maybe he is not the one - you should be married if someone is making you feel pressured. If he truly loves you he will wait until your completely ready, and if not then its probably not your time to get married.

I know it hurts and is hard to stop an event that you have been planning and so excited about for months. But people will understand, even in a small town, and probably respect you for it - your still young and have a lot to experience. I remember being 21 it was a blast, the beginning of some very fun times for me. Waiting a year or a couple will not hurt anyone in this situation. Divorce is all too common these days please be sure about your decision here.

It is sometimes really hard to pinpoint a 'why', or pinpoint a thought or feeling, and be able to put it into words. Big decisions will leave you feeling more hollow than confident, and probably more down, rather than excited.

It reminds me of a movie I saw once. People paid a fortune to attend this enlightenment seminar. They were told that they would 'get it', and pretty soon, everybody was saying that they 'got it', and understood 'it', and were much better people for learning what 'it' was. The truth was nobody knew what 'it' was, they just didn't want to admit it. Nobody had a clue.

It is similar when you are making a big decision, because you may really think you do get 'it', and then turn around and toss the logic out the window. You can think that this all makes sense one minute and you have a clear vision, and then turn around again and be full of doubt and insecurity.

While you are unsure, and so doubtful, and full of 'what ifs', you should not marry anyone. I'd even go further to say that postponing is a good idea considering the circumstances, and how you feel about it all- confused. You aren't saying you won't marry, you are only needing more time to put it all together to make the commitment.

Once the pressure is off, take some time to yourself to come up for air, and start thinking about yourself as an independent person. Find a way to envision yourself single, self supporting, and confident of the future you could/can plan for yourself.

When you have that security about yourself, your choices won't be made by being obligated, or pressured or intertwined with another person. When you can choose your direction from a position of strength, then you'll have no doubt when it is the right one.

Postpone the wedding and take the time to figure yourself out. Those other excuses you make to not take action for yourself, is probably what got you in this situation.

It's a big red flag, in my opinion, that your afraid to communicate with your fiancé, and I suspect its all about him any way.

For sure you need to handle him, and both your issues, before you even think about a future with someone else.

Its up to you, not others to make a good decision for yourself. Until then, you're a lousy partner to anyone that seeks a commitment, because you can't even commit to yourself.

You keep saying what your fiancé's qualities, and your friends, but have not addressed what you bring to the table, or what you need for yourself.

You don't even know where a relationship with your old friend will lead, or why your so gung ho to pursue it.

That's your confusion, that your intense feelings are leading you to and keep you from committing to anything. Your afraid to make a decision, based on fact, so take time to get facts before you act impulsively.

At least take time to define yourself to yourself, so you know what love is.

Marriage is a commitment, not a feel good solution, to be taken lightly.

You have no guarantees this guy will actually leave for you. Then you break up and have nobody. I agree with the others you need to get out of your current relationship because obviously you aren't as content with him as you once thought you were. Then you need to take the time for yourself and not bother with the married guy.
If 'n when he does leave his wife it should not be FOR you.

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Originally Posted by LilMissP

I always envisioned true love to be amazing...yearning for him throughout the day, my heart skipping a beat when i finally saw him. It used to, but these things don't happen to me anymore.

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What's to say this wouldn't happen with guy you've been talking to? Yeah, things seem great, but it's not uncommon for those feelings to fade. You become more comfortable in your relationship. This is where commitment, trust, loyalty, communication, etc. come in. These are the things that keep a relationship in tact.

You're young. You're only 21. I went through almost the same thing at that age. I became really good friend with a guy that I worked with, started to really doubt my feelings for my fiancé. I did break up with him, but not because I wanted to be with this other guy, but because I realized I could be so distracted with someone else. I knew I wasn't completely happy with our relationship. You need to sit down and talk to your fiancé. Tell him how you feel. Postpone the wedding, at least, until you're sure what you want.