About 2 months ago my wife of 4 years asked for a divorce. She’s not happy, needs to find out how she can be…blah, blah, blah…pretty common story. For the first few weeks I was devastated and my pain and anger were obvious. She found an apartment which she is moving into 8/29 and is doing all things one would do when moving out. She has not filed yet. Over the past month or so as I’ve come to accept this, things have gotten better, the tension is gone, things are more than amicable between us, we’re talking more and even joking a little. I haven’t been pursuing her, I’ve been getting out doing things for myself, keeping busy and just trying to move on with my life.

There are a couple of things that I’m puzzled about though. About 2-1/2 weeks ago we were laying in bed (yes…we still sleep in the same bed) and she asked if I wanted her to rub my leg. This was something we did for each other all the time…just a comforting, relaxing thing. I said yes and proceeded to rub hers as well. A few days later she asked if I’d rub her arm “for old times sake”, which I did. This always helped her fall asleep. I took the initiative a couple of times since and she was receptive. While I enjoyed it, I found it odd. Under the circumstances I would think the last thing she would want is to touch me or be touched by me. I don’t know what to make of this. Was it just some tender moments between two people whose marriage is ending? Was she trying to reach out to me?

Another thing that has me puzzled is about a week ago we were laying in bed reading and making small talk and as we turned out the light to go to sleep, she asked me if I was coming to terms with this. My response was “yes”. She said “that’s it?” so I took a moment and said “If one person is unhappy in a marriage, you have an unhappy marriage, if one person thinks it’s hopeless…it is, and if one person wants a divorce you’ll end up divorced. Nothing I can say or do will change that so I have no choice but to accept it and let you go as lovingly as I can”. About a minute later she asked if I was still hurting and I said it doesn’t really matter. Then she said she knows I’ll be mad when she leaves. I told her I’m not mad and that I’d rather have a happy ex-wife than an unhappy wife.

I can’t help but wonder why she asked these questions. Was she genuinely concerned with my well being? Was she just trying to see if I was OK to ease any guilt she may be feeling? Was she trying to see if I’ve moved on?

Could it be she’s having doubts and scared to death to talk to me about it?

Either
She still wants to be just friends but the bond you two had is a bit fuzzy for her that she has a hard time

She may be starting to have more feelings again but not sure enough yet

She is confused on what it is she does really want

Whatever the reason just accept things and don't push her into anything until she is ready otherwise it may push her away.

Have a discussion with her about it, Ask questions like
Where does she see herself in a year from now?
Does she plan on looking for somebody else?
Is she wanting to work things out with you?

Clearly what she is saying and what she is doing contradict each other so much its difficult to know what she wants.

I know I would not want to be sexual with someone I no longer loved ,for old times sake or any sake.

The fact that she is sending you mixed signals and you didn't ask her what's up with that makes me wonder how much if any fighting you ever did FOR your relationship.

Maybe she wants you to peruse her but then again if she is getting an apartment,that seems pretty final from my vantage point.

She sounds confused and maybe her actions are just a sad attempt to see if there is anything left to hold onto. A last ditch effort to see if there is any magic left.

I would certainly have a discussion about this mixed message she is sending and the fact that you haven't suggests your communication is not the best.

When she asked for a divorce did you not say ,lets try to see if we can fix this first? Have you made any attempt or done any work to repair your marriage?

Your confused and frankly,so am I.Both of your reactions are very odd and I don't get it.

I understand being amicable but this is beyond civility.

Your responses to her questions were the best possible I have ever read in a situation such as yours. I applaud your maturity in moving through this difficult time. More difficult because you two were sleeping in the same bed, which was a bad move on both your parts in the first place. Once the decision (whatever side) was made, then it should have been separate rooms if you were still willing to live under the same roof together.

I was n the same situation as you once upon a time but I was 'died in the wool' sure of my decision and I never went back.

It seems to me she is having second thoughts and like you say, just unsure about how to approach you and talk to you about it. Yes, sounds like she is feeling guilt probably because she realizes she can still feel tenderly towards you and this is bother her in spite of her decision (but I am assuming of course).

What do you want to do is the main question here ? Can you backtrack and forget all of what has gone before, maybe some bad words, etc. I myself find that part hard to get passed because to me once a word or words are spoken in anger it can never be taken back. It is always in the memory and sometimes festers away.

I don't know your feelings because you have not mentioned that side of the story. I say again. What do you want to do ?

Ms tickle

I still love her and would like to give our marriage a chance, but I am ready to move on because she's given me no other option. Her questions and actions are so contradictory to what she's said from the beginning. I just wanted some input from others as to if I'm misreading the "signs" she seems to be giving me. Maybe my response to her questions gave her the impression I was done, but she caught me off guard.

I do need to talk to her about this... but admittedly I'm scared.

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Originally Posted by billclay18

I do need to talk to her about this...but admittedly I'm scared.

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Yes, of course you are. You are going into uncharted waters. When it comes right down to it, you owe your marriage a lot of good thought and a good discussion between the two of you. Get away from the house with her before discussing. Make it a nice casual location where your thoughts are not clouded by memories in the house. On new ground, so to speak and I hope it will be a new beginning for the both of you ! Overcoming these issues in a marriage only makes the union stronger.

Good luck

Tick

You NEED to discuss it with her about where does she want to go. Then you have the whole story rather than bits and pieces you have to stick together.
Then tell her that you feel that you need to not see each other any more because it is too hard for you to get over your relationship with her there as a constant reminder and you need to move on.

Right now it is like you are letting her call all the shots. She decided she needed to leave and have her space, she comes and gets some attention at her convenience when she is lonely,

As long as you are willing to let her have her cake and eat it too that is exactly what she's going to do.

Good advice... all of you.

I just want to clarify some things. My wife is not blaming for this (although I certainly know there is always blame both ways). She says I'm a good man and husband. She's just unhappy and feels empty inside. She's had a history of making impulsive decisions only to regret them. Not saying that's the case here.

While I would have liked her to move out weeks ago for my own peace of mind, she's moving out at her earliest opportunity. I think this extra time has given her a chance to, if nothing else, give her decision more thought.

I can't help but think if she were truly 100% sure of her decision, she would not be sleeping in our bed, she would not initiate touching and she would avoid me as much as possible.

Yeah I don't think it is really about blame as much as her wanting 'to find herself'

I don't think she knows what she wants and usually detaching yourself from the familiar is the only way to separate enough to clear your thinking.
The problem is in the meantime the other person (you) just may move on with their life then there is no option to turn back.

"yeah I don't think it is really about blame as much as her wanting 'to find herself'

I don't think she knows what she wants and usually detaching yourself from the familar is the only way to seperate enough to clear your thinking. The problem is in the meantime the other person (you) just may move on with their life then there is no option to turn back."

My thoughts exactly. That's why I need to discuss this with her in the next day or two. Once she leaves, I can't see anyway I won't close the door once and for all.

You say she has a history of being impulsive.

That applies to buying a pair of shoes at the mall, or a chocolate bar, not ending a marriage on an impulsive whim.

You need to know what you want to do. You are sitting back, allowing your marriage to go down the toilet, while on the other hand saying you love her. You say you love her and want the marriage to work, but SHE has taken away your options because she's decided to 'find herself' which means absolutely nothing.

You do have options! You can suggest that she put off making her decision until you've both gone to couples counselling. You can start talking to her about why she's giving up without trying. Ask her if she loves you, and is she willing to work on the marriage.

Finding herself is not an answer, it's an excuse.

If you are going to take any action, do it now. You have nothing to lose by putting the cards on the table, and have a meaningful conversation with her about what went so wrong, that nothing is clear. Ask questions, answer questions. Exhaust all possible avenues until you are sure that the marriage is over.

If it is over, you should be sleeping on the couch, the intimacy is over. It is not okay to keep the fires burning, while she's packing her belongings to move out. No wonder you are both confused.

If you don't pull yourself together and give an honest effort to save your marriage, then you will have only yourself to blame when she does leave. She hasn't taken anything away from you as far as options go, you just choose not to exercise them!

Hey Jake2000,

In my experience, when someone is adamant about something, trying to convince them that there may be another option is akin to telling them what they think or feel is wrong, which will only make them dig their heels in more. Any divorce busting, divorce preventing book or website will tell you the best thing to do is go about your life, be friendly but give them space until they start to see things differently. Most importantly... don't bombard them with relationship talk. The relationship is "over" in their minds.

It may seem I'm doing nothing, but that's not true. First, I'm taking care of me and living my life, which I may need to do without her anyway. Secondly, could it be that by getting on with my life I've sparked some interest from her. She didn't seem to care how I was doing when I was clearly not doing well. She had no desire to touch me or be touched by me when I was visibly upset and hurting.

But I agree I must talk to her before she thinks I've completely moved on. Maybe she won't even care. Maybe she truly is done. I guess we'll find out.

As far as the sleeping arrangement... she's wants to leave our marriage... she can be the one to leave our bed.

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Originally Posted by billclay18

As far as the sleeping arrangement...she's wants to leave our marriage...she can be the one to leave our bed.

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Billclay, I couldn't agree more !

Tick

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Originally Posted by billclay18

I can't help but think if she were truly 100% sure of her decision, she would not be sleeping in our bed, she would not initiate touching and she would avoid me as much as possible.

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Again, billyclay, you call it really well.

Tick

Just to add a little levity... she never liked our bed... too soft!

Learn from your past mistake, get a sleep number bed :D

I used to be married... a long time ago. Anyway... is it possible that she just wants you to show how important she was to you? No woman wants to think that when the relationship ends you'll find someone more fabulous than them. Maybe she just needs to know that she made an impact of some sort to your life. But the sleeping under the same roof... not such a good idea. (sorry if I offended you in any way)

Hi Bill,

I wasn't making any presumptions, it just seemed to me that the cart was before the horse. I don't know what you tried to make your marriage work, before she made up her mind, or what you've tried to do now that she has made the decision to move out.

There must have been problems prior to her making her decision, and maybe you are right, maybe there is no turning back now.

But, instinct tells me to make one last stand. Just one more big effort to talk to her, and see if there isn't some spark there that may still turn into, or work into, something good.

And you're probably right about the bed. One of you needs to sleep alone that's for sure.

Good luck, I hope that there are still options open that might just save your marriage.

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Originally Posted by billclay18

Good advice...all of you.

I just want to clarify some things. My wife is not blaming for this (although I certainly know there is always blame both ways). She says I'm a good man and husband. She's just unhappy and feels empty inside. She's had a history of making impulsive decisions only to regret them. Not saying that's the case here.

While I would have liked her to move out weeks ago for my own peace of mind, she's moving out at her earliest opportunity. I think this extra time has given her a chance to, if nothing else, give her decision more thought.

I can't help but think if she were truly 100% sure of her decision, she would not be sleeping in our bed, she would not initiate touching and she would avoid me as much as possible.

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I think she wants you to fight for her.
You two defiantly need to sit down and talk.I mean really communicate,speak from your heart and tell her your confusion and if you love her and want your marriage,you need to tell her that as well.

Quote:

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In my experience, when someone is adamant about something, trying to convince them that there may be another option is akin to telling them what they think or feel is wrong, which will only make them dig their heels in more. Any divorce busting, divorce preventing book or website will tell you the best thing to do is go about your life, be friendly but give them space until they start to see things differently. Most importantly... don't bombard them with relationship talk. The relationship is "over" in their minds.

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Forget about what some relationship site says.
Every situation is unique and you and your wife are no exception.
If someone is adamant,yes,they may dig their heels in but her actions indicate that she is at best,not adamant.Clearly she is conflicted and I really believe she wants honest communication from your heart and IF you DO want to save your marriage YOU had better act soon.
If you want something you fight for it.