After my late husband died for cancer after 2 years of battle, I was so devastated. He was such a sweet man, he was my best friend & lover, treated me like a queen, and I felt so lost and cried everyday. However, I had 2 high school kids to take care of, and I had to be strong. I regained myself, and focused on my kids. Fortunately, I always had a professional job to support my kids, my kids and I stayed very closely, loved and helped each other, and kept having a good life.
4 years later, my 2 kids went to college. I felt lonely, and I thought it was time to start a new life. I met a man, fell in love, and we got married over year ago. My new hubby had been divorced for 6 years, lived with his 14 years old son with half custody. I saw the son behaved badly while we were dating, but I did not think it could be a big issue. I (& my kids) welcomed them, happily started a new family.
On our wedding day though, the 14 yrs old boy acted out, yelled, cursed, and screamed at guests in the ceremony because 'the elevator was too crowded with people, and he could not fit in (?? )', he throw stuff in the place, and acted like a mentally ill monster. I felt so humiliated. Although, all the quests comforted me, and my new hubby apologized for his son's behavior, but he did not actually put any effort to correct him even later. My hubby told me first time that his son has some issue, and need to take medication. I thought it would be OK.
In the same week of wedding, my hubby lost job, and has been unemployed since. It has been over one and half year now. I understand the economy & marriage commitment, and it is fine for me. I know we love each other, he is trying hard to get a job even though the result has not been fruitful. Luckily, I bring enough paycheck to cover living expense for all of us include mortgage, property tax, kids tuition, etc, if I stay in budget. However the arrangement is basically, I have been the one pay everything for 100%, my hubby & his son moved in my house, and live for absolutely for free, but make everyday crisis. By the way, the boy stays in my house half, and his mother's house half of time. In this summer though, he stays for entire 3 month since my hubby insisted and paid extra child support to his ex to make it happen. I was not included in the decision making process, but I did not have any object, since I know he loves son. However, the summer is getting worse, and I am facing family issue.
The first issue is the step son's attitude. The boy has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and needs medication to calm down. Even under medication, the boy outburst without any warning sign, angry, yelling, talking back to anyone include strangers, does not respect anyone, messy, moody, sarcastic, and constantly needs 'something' to catch his attention every minute. I found he is OK while he is playing computer games, eating, or online shopping. Otherwise he acts like a jerk or ugly monster. For an example, when the boy is in my place, he takes the family room for himself, play games with the big screen TV morning to night, and NOBODY cannot even attempt to touch the TV even he is not in the room. If anybody tries it, he yells, screams, curse, and throw his stuff and leave & slams door. When we saw it, we got shocked, and completely gave in. Now everybody watches small screen TV in my bedroom. My kids gave in watching TV in my house. The real issue is my hubby. He does not seem to bothered by it or care, and does not try to control it. My hubby actually asked me to watch TV in the bedroom to give entire family room to his son at the first place when I bought the big screen TV for my bonus. The boy treats his father as absolutely 'FOOL & STUPID' specially in public. "look at your fat, your belly. Do not say you are my father." He openly says it in public, and my hubby does not response. Is it normal? I do not think even it is ADD related. I am so depressed because I have to be in this ridiculous & hostile situation and have to see it in MY HOUSE daily base. The boy yells at me, orders me, complains about me, requests me anything from his crazy head, and he talks anything in his mind. "I wish you die and never come back home, because I like to take your room" (to my kids), "You need to buy a new refrigerator something nicer, I do not like it, and do you like the s**t?" (to me), "Go out and get a burger for me since I am playing game. You need to feed me anyway. Don't you?" (to his father). The boy only eats fast food delivered from fast food store (does anyone make sense of it?? ), yells at us because he cannot stand the food smell(?) when we cook in house because he is vegetarian (? ) and he is eating burgers (?? ). Before sit down to eat diner, my hubby has to go out to get fast food for him. He destroys my house, throw food & soda everywhere, stained carpet & sofa, and they are not cleanable anymore. He spayed paint on the dining table (?? ), and I cannot use the table set anymore. My hubby brought me a can of paint, and asked me to paint it, and it would be fine. He did not even blamed his son. I do not understand the boy's attitude at all, and am very angry at my hubby who does not try to control it or as clams he cannot control it. My hubby basically does everything to make his son happy like an idiot for any cost. Whenever his son got crazy, I loose romantic feeling for my hubby more and more. I feel trapped, regretful, and resentful everyday. When I dream, I cry in my dream lately.
The second issue is spending. As I told, my hubby has been unemployed for 1 and half year. But he had cash in bank when he sold his house and moved in my place, but he maintains it by himself. Guess what. His son needs to upgrade his expensive toys constantly, no matter what happens, and the father-son stays home all day, spends money as a team and have fun. For the last 10 weeks, my hubby upgraded boy's toy including wii, guitar heroes, new apple phone, newest apple mp3, 3 skateboards, and guitars which cost nearly 8K-9K easily. The boy is constantly browsing web site to find something to buy at this moment.
Can anyone please tell me why 15 yrs boy needs upgrade apple phones constantly, and my hubby has to pay for it with the house-sold money, and send me the monthly phone bill? Why am I getting bills constantly I was not award of, which was made by my hubby, and I am ending up paying everything to protect my credit score eventually?
In this situation, my kids are victim as well. I raised my kids in old fashioned way, they study hard, polite & sympathetic, stay in budget, and never talked me back in life time. When I shop with my kids, I have to convince them, otherwise they will not pick up anything extra voluntarily. They have seen me taking care of the cancer patience, 2 kids (them) for years as single mother, and they learned it by experience. It is sad to say it actually, but they must be outgrown for their age.. heartbroken... I feel so sorry for my kids I caused this trouble. If I did not marry, we would be still happy...
While I work hard morning to night, commute 4 hours everyday to pay all the bills, and while my kids work part-time, stick with a couple of basic jeans, this father-son live for free for my cost, destroy my once-upon- a-time beautiful house as trash can, and keep upgrading toys at home. My credit card bill is going up every month. I refuse to see its, but finally I reached the point that this is what it is now. Ironically, 3 working people (me. my kids) are trying to stay in budget, and 2 non working people (my hubby and his son) have no idea what the budget is.
Yesterday, when I came back from work, my heart was totally broken. I saw a new boat in front of house. Real Boat! I knew he was talking about boat, and I thought it was kidding. The crazy hubby bought it to please his son against my will! Real boat! 25K! The boy wanted to have a boat and captain license this summer. At 15! In his mental status! I was outrageous, could not believe what I seen, and came in to the house. Yes, all the house was messy with empty soda bottles, pizza boxes, dirty socks, games all over the house just like a tornado came through. I clean the house in silence, and took a sleeping pill to force me to sleep. I was crying and sleeping all night. The father-son giggled all night to talk about the boat, and get captain's license!!
A couple days ago, I sincerely asked my hubby to help me to pay credit card bill. I did a kitchen remodeling project 2 weeks ago, and had a huge bill to pay. He only said "You will be all right. Calm down. Do you want to take a sleeping pill?" That was it. But yesterday, he bought this UNNECESSARY & EXPENSIVE boat to please his son even though he had no job for a full year... He made $0 since we married. He saw I applied for a second job to pay the credit card bill, and even encouraged me to get the second job. However, he needs father-and-son quality time, fun in summer and the boat. Is the expensive boat only way to have quality time and fun? In fact, I do not know how many people actually 'need' to buy the boat while he lives on wife for free without job. For entire summer, the father-son go to eat and have fun include shooting range, golf, fishing, racing, shopping, whatever you can name it everyday, and it has been his full time job. Whenever I worry about money, he says I worry too much, that is the problem, and everything should be fine. I asked to share living expense even a little, because I pay his health insurance, and my pay check is smaller while our living expense is much bigger than before we got married, but he does not respond. He is keep saying "you are lucky to have a job to cover expense in this economy. In future, if you loose job, I will take care of you for return." I wonder if it will ever happen.
He recently changed his attitude toward looking for a job, and says "it is useless to looking for a job now, since economy is too bad, and there is any. Besides, I might be too old to find a job. I will have small pension and social security when age 65 though." I know this is it. He will be on me forever... For my entire life, I have worked really hard and financially responsible. In this marriage, I will be the one to work on multiple jobs to maintain the life, and constantly worry about bills and watch the crazy son. I did not marry for money, but it is not fair at all. I started to think the real reason he was divorced from his ex was he did not have a job for years (I saw his tax record) even though he says his ex left him for no reason.
He is asking me a big gift for his birthday. I said I love to but I have no budget for that, he made a bad face. For the past year, I managed a couple of expensive family vacation for all of us. I paid for it 100% of course. Guess What. It ended up we were humiliated ourselves in public, because the boy yelled & screamed and sabotaged over food to get more expensive excursion in the restaurant. Basically, the boy needs to get the most expensive stuff in any given setting. Otherwise, he screams and yells until he gets it. When it happened during the vacation, my college student son told me
"I will not say anything to irritate you. I only want you to be happy. Are you happy?" he looked at me with sad face and walked away from me. Since then, my son made excuse (due to his part time job so on), and never joined any major family activity. My kids will not ever take family vacation with me if the boy is included. When my kids are in my house, they lock themselves in their room, and minimize the contact to avoid the issues. My kids and I had a very close and happy family life before, and it is totally destroyed! It is heartbroken.
The step son has been in my house for 10 weeks now, and it will last another 6 weeks. I am getting more bitter taste, and regrets my marriage day goes by. Be honest, I do not even want to go home but run away. I am taking sleeping pill to fall in sleep every night. Otherwise, I will up and cry, and I do not want to show up at my work with red eyes.
Sometimes, I open my email account and read my ex husbands sweet emails we exchanged while he was alive, and cry. I can tell he genuinely loved me, and treated me like queen, and never used me for any reasons until he died. "I will always love you, and protect you in heaven." That was his last word in his dead bed while he was holding my hands. On our anniversary, he always took me out to a beautiful place and surprised me with flowers & sweet card. My new hubby took me out with his crazy son, and gave me a disastrous dinner on our first anniversary, and I paid the bill of course.
My hubby made agreement with his son that the son will go to the near by college to commute from my house, and live together in my house for full time. I was not included in the discussion, and it was final statement.
I cannot stand the arrangement. I desperately need everybody's help and opinion before I loose my mind. I feel like I rather commit suicide to end this, and that will be the easiest way... I cannot believe I voluntarily made such a terrible mistake to choose the unemployed man with a crazy son and ruin myself and future... I am so embarrassed to talk about this to anyone in my family. I refuse to talk to close firneds and family to hide my feeling. I do not have pre-nub and my current hubby manages my life saving investment account which my late husband passed me as gift. The first thing my new hubby did after wedding was he included his name in my house title. Am I used as I think? Please give me your advice. I am losing my mind... I do not have feeling for my hubby any more, resentful, but pretent I am OK when I am with him...
