Ask Me Help Desk - What to do when in an affair with a married man

So the last three months I have been seeing a married man.I have had a crush on him ever since I can remember and just recently I decided to act upon it.The thing is him and his wife never do anything but argue and its apparent that he doesn't have a desire to be with her.however, they have a child and he sticks it out because he knows deep down she could never support him alone.so the problem is now that I have allowed myself to fall in love with this guy, but I hear and listen to others who have had situations similar to this and I question whether we will end up the same.I question whether when he tells me he loves me is it real ? Will he leave her like we talked about? In addition I often wonder if I'm the only one he deals with outside of her?I mean they always say that if he cheats on his wife he will cheat on his mistress, however I question if that is ALWAYS the true?I just want to believe that this could someday work, but at the same time I didn't want to waste my time if its all just bs and none of it is real:confused:

Only really needed to read the title: What should you do? GET OUT OF THIS NOW!!

End all contact and get yourself together. There is NEVER an excuse for being with a married man, unless of course you are his wife.

If he really loved you, he would divorce his wife and be with you. Hanging on to his wife for the sake of his kids is just a lame excuse. It might not even be true. If his wife was that horrible, he wouldn't be hanging around. So there must be some good in her.

I'm sure his wife doesn't know about you, so he if cheated on you too, you won't know about it either. There's no way to trust him.

Rid yourself of this situation and find someone else who isn't a cheater.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

If he really loved you, he would divorce his wife and be with you. Hanging on to his wife for the sake of his kids is just a lame excuse. It might not even be true. If his wife was that horrible, he wouldn't be hanging around. So there must be some good in her.

I'm sure his wife doesn't know about you, so he if cheated on you too, you won't know about it either. There's no way to trust him.

Rid yourself of this situation and find someone else who isn't a cheater.

I want to also make sure we realize that the OP is to blame for this as well. My advice would be for the OP to grow up and quit being involved with a man who is already married. Just because the married man is cheating doesn't mean the responsibility falls entirely on him. As a decent human it should be noted that being the person he is cheating with makes you no better or more decent than him. The OP knows he is married and has a child and that is a HUGE no-no in my book.

Okay not to add to the others blanket interpretations of being with a married man, which I do agree with but when you are already there it is hard to see how to get out. Kind of like telling a poor person to just save and they can be rich... but I digress.

Love does come in all places and this might be your chance at one true love. I can see where this man might be that for you. What you need to consider is what is the price of this one true love?

Assuming he is your one true love and everything he says is true, would you want to be with a man who would sacrifice his child's well being to be with someone? Isn't a parents love for a child paramount to all other? Given this do you want to be with a man than would chose you over his child's well being?

Second, he stays for his child, then the others are right... can your heart take this? Is the sacrifice worth the love you receive?

Lastly, if you were having problems with the one who vowed to love you for ever, would you not want this person to give your marriage the full attention? With you in the picture is he doing this? If he loves his child, and you believe a child has the right to two loving parents, and he is willing to sacrifice this, is this the man you want to be with?

So now I ask you, are your insecurities really with is he true or are your insecurities with does this situation lack integrity?

Part of the romatic "dream" given to us by hollywood are the sweet sorrows of romances like Kathryn hepburn and Spencer tracy where they had a relationship never realized because of his commitments. They both sacrificed for love and how bitter sweet this is. Women want men who will fight for them and over come it all (other woman) in order to prove their love for them. Well, I would rather have a man stand his ground and honor his commitment to me. I am counting on it and I am honoring mine, no matter how tough.

So all other posters are correct, and their answers are being spoken from the outside looking in. Hopefully, this can help you to see the outside and realize they are all correct and you deserve to be with someone who will not jepardize the happiness of his children for his own by acting with out integrity and ethics.

Good luck

Quote:

Love does come in all places and this might be your chance at one true love. I can see where this man might be that for you. What you need to consider is what is the price of this one true love?

I agree with most everything that you have said in your post. It is a good valid post but the thing I see here is that once upon a time if not this very second this married man was/is the love of his wife's life. Hence the whole wife title. I feel it is never, ever excusable to meddle is a marriage.

How would you like to be in his wife's shoes? How would you like to be married to the man that was suppose to love you for the rest of your life, in sickness and in health, the father of your child. To be running around on you like a tomcat.

How would you like it if you found that your daddy was cheating on your mommy or that daddy left me and mommy to be with another woman?

There are a lot of feelings here that need to be considered far above your own. If you have a shred of decency you will walk away now and not be the homewrecker you are aiming yourself to be.

I have a question for you, OP.

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING GETTING INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN!?

Okay. I'm somewhat calm now.
But seriously. You shouldn't have acted on your crush. The consequences don't just affect YOU, you know. It affects his family. Children. Wife.

I don't know what you ate for breakfast the day you decided to "act" on your crush, but maybe it's time to clean out the pantry and eat something called "REALITY," because you need a big bowl of it.

Get out of it NOW.

Quote:

I just want to believe that this could someday work, but at the same time I didn't want to waste my time if its all just BS and none of it is real:confused:

Doesn't matter if he loves you or not as all cheaters love their mistress, or mistresses. Just ask them. That doesn't change the FACT he is a cheater, and that is BS. You started wasting your time when you got involved with the lying, cheating, backstabbing b@st@rd.

Leave him alone, or don't be surprised at the misery, and pain, you get.

Does he love you? Don't know. Does he love the fact that he can just come over, get a little slap and tickle then leave to spend time with his family? I'm pretty sure he does.

You don't have any strings attached. He can come over, have sex, whisper a few sweet nothings in your ear and then leave without having to make a commitment.

Will he leave his wife and child for you? I doubt it, it's not the norm.

Is he seeing someone else on the side? Probably, after all, he's shown his true colors by having an affair with you, why not have a few girls on the side?

A married man, no matter how many problems he has in his marriage, is off limits, always!

Never get involved with a married person, or soon to be divorced person. Nothing but trouble. My opinion anyway. You need to end that!

Quote:

Originally Posted by soconfused1

so the last three months i have been seeing a married man.i have had a crush on him ever since i can remember and just recently i decided to act upon it.The thing is him and his wife never do anything but argue and its apparent that he doesn't have a desire to be with her.however, they have a child and he sticks it out because he knows deep down she could never support him alone.so the problem is now that i have allowed myself to fall in love with this guy, but i hear and listen to others who have had situations similar to this and i question whether we will end up the same.i question whether when he tells me he loves me is it real ? will he leave her like we talked about? In addition i often wonder if im the only one he deals with outside of her?i mean they always say that if he cheats on his wife he will cheat on his mistress, however i question if that is ALWAYS the true?I just want to believe that this could someday work, but at the same time i dint want to waste my time if its all just bs and none of it is real:confused:

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but... I probably am
"i have had a crush on him ever since i can remember and just recently i decided to act upon it."
What this means to me is that YOU pursued HIM. Is that correct? If it is, then you are to blame. He is guilty of adultery, and should take his share of responsibility, but YOU started it. I also like the way you try to validate it by saying all they do is argue. That's none of your business. Put yourself in his wife's SHOES instead of her HUSBAND'S PANTS for once. How would YOU like it if someone like... YOU came along and started an affair with YOUR husband? Would you be hurt? Angry?
Does he love you? Are you kidding me? You provide a service to him. You are a release.
Get out of this mess and find a man of your own. Find yourself respect while your looking.

I think you already know the answer to your own question. It's always the same old story, same old questions and, consequently the same old answers. Cheaters rarely ever leave their spouses, despite what they say they're going to do. If he wanted to leave her, don't you think he would have already? And yes, if he cheats on his wife, then what's to make you think he won't cheat on you?

I am an older woman and I have been around the block a few times.Having said that I can tell you that I have seen this scenario play out many times and it never ends well.

You seem to have a very caviler attitude about this,like its no big deal that you may be the catalyst for breaking up a family.

You must know he is not going to sing his wife's praises while he is having a relationship with you.She may be a wonderful and trusting woman who is firmly dedicated to her husband and her child.Have you even considered what you are doing to a sister of yours?

You said it is apparent he has no desire to be with her.It is not apparent because he is with her.
What is apparent is that he is not with you!

She may not be able to support her child alone but that does not mean that if he left he would no longer be able to support his son.That argument makes no sense!

I suspect you are younger than him and making him feel 21 again.

When the sex begins to get routine,don't be surprised if he decides to go back to his wife.

You are setting yourself up for a fall.

If in the end the wife finds out and she leaves,then lucky you are left with her spoils.You are left with a cheater.

But of course he would never do that to you.Don't kid yourself.

Any relationship based on deceit is a bad relationship with a very grim outlook.

Honor yourself and never allow any man to dishonor you,you will be cheating yourself!

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I am an older woman and I have been around the block a few times.Having said that I can tell you that I have seen this scenario play out many times and it never ends well.

You seem to have a very caviler attitude about this,like its no big deal that you may be the catalyst for breaking up a family.

You must know he is not going to sing his wifes praises while he is having a relationship with you.She may be a wonderful and trusting woman who is firmly dedicated to her husband and her child.Have you even considered what you are doing to a sister of yours?

You said it is apparent he has no desire to be with her.It is not apparent because he is with her.
What is apparent is that he is not with you!

She may not be able to support her child alone but that does not mean that if he left he would no longer be able to support his son.That argument makes no sense!

I suspect you are younger than him and making him feel 21 again.

When the sex begins to get routine,don't be surprised if he decides to go back to his wife.

You are setting yourself up for a fall.

If in the end the wife finds out and she leaves,then lucky you are left with her spoils.You are left with a cheater.

But of course he would never do that to you.Don't kid yourself.

Any relationship based on deceit is a bad relationship with a very grim outlook.

Honor yourself and never allow any man to dishonor you,you will be cheating yourself!

I had to spread the rep (as usual!), but beautifully put.

Deceit is contagious and breeds distrust and disrespect. To consciously engage in a relationship where you want to be someone's 'bit on the side', defiles any trust and obliterates any opportunity for a meaningful connection.

Ok soconfused1, I must respond but don't expect you'll actually listen. I could probably get my PhD in being the other woman.

I'm a 3 time offender of the so called homewrecking. The first 2 I actually got lucky... those men had one foot out the door. They blossomed into good relationships, but eventually they died. Please do not see this as a sign of hope. Like others have posted, these types of relationships usually turn sour.

My latest and greatest (I hope you know this is sarcasm for all of you hard core responders) married man gave me all of the lines yours did. The situation, although I'm sure there are differences is mostly the same. I developed a huge crush on a married man. And guess what? I was married too. I thought I could handle it. I thought if I just confessed to him it would burst my bubble and I could move on. It snowballed. We began an affair that has almost destroyed me. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't handle being torn between my feelings for him and my husband, so I left my husband because the married man said he was in love with me too. Said he was going to leave his wife to be with me... soon. He just had to work things out first. About two months after leaving my husband I was torn because the married man wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. Like yours he has 2 small children and a "b of a wife". Whatever. He kept saying "soon" and when "this, that, and this other stuff happens I'll leave". It's amazing how many excuses he had for why. I know the reason why, but he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I had a lot of promises. I had a lot of hope. It really hurt around the holidays and started becoming clear that I let him have the upper hand. But why not? I was "in love". I couldn't control it. Nothing anyone said to me could change how I felt about this man. You could give me all of the logical answers and comebacks, but I couldn't conform. An affair is like heroin. Major limited highs and destructive devastating and long winded lows.

When a year rolled around I was totally falling apart. I had lost 40 pounds, my career tanked, my friends dried up, and my family thought I was losing it. I stuck it out because I wanted to believe him. Something in me told me that the magic would last and eventually I would get what I wanted. What I got was hospitalization and a lot of grief.

He left his wife for 3 days and went back with his tail between his legs. 6 months later he left again and went back. By then I was totally self-destructing. This man had consumed my life. I let him. I knew it was wrong, but it didn't matter. I finally broke it off with him and he moved out of his house again. 5 or 6 months later he went back to to her to "take care of some things." Gimme a break.

He could not have a future without first dealing with his present. When there are kids involved it's not about you. He will put them first... 9 times out of 10. And he should. He cannot satisfy everyone's demands and at some point it will collapse.

Fortunately this journey has guided me through a lot of soul searching. Being with a married man and expecting it to go somewhere is selfish. I am not a bad person, and I suspect you aren't either. Our hearts get pointed in the wrong directions sometimes and stuff happens. No matter what happens this will be a lesson in what not to do.

My married ex is 15 years older than me. We don't have a future together no matter what lies he fed me. We are not going to have kids. We are not going to live happily every after. I don't want to be around another angry ex wife and torn children. It's cruel. The kids don't understand and at their core want to see mommy and daddy together even if they are miserable. The husband and wife have built a life together for better or for worse. I agree in some extreme situations they should separate, but they have invested a lot more into each other than your fantasy. I'm not writing to condone your behavior. This type of relationship is like experiencing a slow death. So many people are involved. They are innocent and didn't ask you to waltz in a disrupt their lives. I understand he has a huge part in this, but at the end of day it's your own back you have to worry about. He won't be there for you no matter how much you give. He's only there to take. What little you get isn't worth the pain that will follow.

All I can say is get out now. I let my latest and greatest relationship go on for almost 2.5 years. I've had the walk of shame the entire time. It will not be pretty and it's going to get worse. Even if you got your way you would still have to deal with the fallout. When I was caught up in the moment, I couldn't think about anyone else. I had only wished I had thought things through a little more instead of being impulsive. The relationship was a total disaster. The married man is a phenominal manipulator. He is not looking out for your best interests. Only you can do that. Good luck.

What I want to know, is when does the man take responsibility for his actions? I hear all about how the mistress should have known better. An affair is a result of the husband CHOOSING to be unfaithful to his wife. If the wife is being unfaithful in her marriage, then she also CHOOSES to be unfaithful. There are temptations around every corner. Sounds like the spouses need to learn the simplest word... NO! What most people really need to realize is that a majority of affairs are all about sex... not love. Most husbands/wives do not leave their spouse for the other person because the relationship with the OP is a physical one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michelleozj

What I want to know, is when does the man take responsibility for his actions? I hear all about how the mistress should have known better. An affair is a result of the husband CHOOSING to be unfaithful to his wife. If the wife is being unfaithful in her marriage, then she also CHOOSES to be unfaithful. There are temptations around every corner. Sounds like the spouses need to learn the simplest word ......NO! What most people really need to realize is that a majority of affairs are all about sex....not love. Most husbands/wives do not leave their spouse for the other person because the relationship with the OP is a physical one.

I agree. It's the married man's fault for straying. But it's usually the "other person" who write in here, thus the chastising.

If the husband were to write in, or even read this, he would get his dose from all here, I'm quite sure.

As the wife of a man who cheats I ask you to really think through what you are doing.
Wives are people too and quite often we find ourselves at the rew end of the deal for no real justifiable reason.
Your friend has probably not told his wife about you and pretending that everything is normal. He may even be 10 x nicer at home than normal in fear of being caught.
He lives on the excitement of being purued which you took innitiative to do.
What does this make you?
Have you even thought about how many people can get deeply hurt when infidelity is a fact?
Has it crossed your mind that this type of hurt is the worst you will ever experience?
Yu also know that if he cheats with you the chances are that it will happen again, especially if he leaves his wife.
The guilt will eventually get to him and he will justify this with another affair.
This man will know deep inside what makes him feel better.
So if you set out to ruin a lot of lives you will also have to look forward to your first big argument with your beloved.
That day will come and sweetie I would only be too happy to stand first in line to congratulate you.
Just ask yourself another thing why does he stay if he is so in love with you??

PS. Do the wife a favour call her and tell her about her husband she has the right to know. That way she will take control of her own life sooner than later.
The longer an affair ges on the harder it is fr all parties involved to make sensible decisions.. . I know... I only wish I didn't... I only wish I didn't love the cheater who is cheating on me.

Just want to quickly apologise for the amount of bad spelling above on my last post. I need a new computer as some of the keys stick on my keyboard.;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by otherwoman2008

Ok soconfused1, I must respond but don't expect you'll actually listen. I could probably get my PhD in being the other woman.

I'm a 3 time offender of the so called homewrecking. The first 2 I actually got lucky...those men had one foot out the door. They blossomed into good relationships, but eventually they died. Please do not see this as a sign of hope. Like others have posted, these types of relationships usually turn sour.

My latest and greatest (I hope you know this is sarcasm for all of you hard core responders) married man gave me all of the lines yours did. The situation, although I'm sure there are differences is mostly the same. I developed a huge crush on a married man. And guess what? I was married too. I thought I could handle it. I thought if I just confessed to him it would burst my bubble and I could move on. It snowballed. We began an affair that has almost destroyed me. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't handle being torn between my feelings for him and my husband, so I left my husband because the married man said he was in love with me too. Said he was going to leave his wife to be with me.....soon. He just had to work things out first. About two months after leaving my husband I was torn because the married man wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. Like yours he has 2 small children and a "b of a wife". Whatever. He kept saying "soon" and when "this, that, and this other stuff happens I'll leave". It's amazing how many excuses he had for why. I know the reason why, but he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I had a lot of promises. I had a lot of hope. It really hurt around the holidays and started becoming clear that I let him have the upper hand. But why not? I was "in love". I couldn't control it. Nothing anyone said to me could change how I felt about this man. You could give me all of the logical answers and comebacks, but I couldn't conform. An affair is like heroin. Major limited highs and destructive devestating and long winded lows.

When a year rolled around I was totally falling apart. I had lost 40 pounds, my career tanked, my friends dried up, and my family thought I was losing it. I stuck it out because I wanted to believe him. Something in me told me that the magic would last and eventually I would get what I wanted. What I got was hospitalization and a lot of grief.

He left his wife for 3 days and went back with his tail between his legs. 6 months later he left again and went back. By then I was totally self-destructing. This man had consumed my life. I let him. I knew it was wrong, but it didn't matter. I finally broke it off with him and he moved out of his house again. 5 or 6 months later he went back to to her to "take care of some things." Gimme a break.

He could not have a future without first dealing with his present. When there are kids involved it's not about you. He will put them first....9 times out of 10. And he should. He cannot satisfy everyone's demands and at some point it will collapse.

Fortunately this journey has guided me through a lot of soul searching. Being with a married man and expecting it to go somewhere is selfish. I am not a bad person, and I suspect you aren't either. Our hearts get pointed in the wrong directions sometimes and stuff happens. No matter what happens this will be a lesson in what not to do.

My married ex is 15 years older than me. We don't have a future together no matter what lies he fed me. We are not going to have kids. We are not going to live happily every after. I don't want to be around another angry ex wife and torn children. It's cruel. The kids don't understand and at their core want to see mommy and daddy together even if they are miserable. The husband and wife have built a life together for better or for worse. I agree in some extreme situations they should seperate, but they have invested a lot more into each other than your fantasy. I'm not writing to condone your behavior. This type of relationship is like experiencing a slow death. So many people are involved. They are innocent and didn't ask you to waltz in a disrupt their lives. I understand he has a huge part in this, but at the end of day it's your own back you have to worry about. He won't be there for you no matter how much you give. He's only there to take. What little you get isn't worth the pain that will follow.

All I can say is get out now. I let my latest and greatest relationship go on for almost 2.5 years. I've had the walk of shame the entire time. It will not be pretty and it's going to get worse. Even if you got your way you would still have to deal with the fallout. When I was caught up in the moment, I couldn't think about anyone else. I had only wished I had thought things through a little more instead of being impulsive. The relationship was a total disaster. The married man is a phenominal manipulator. He is not looking out for your best interests. Only you can do that. Good luck.

Thank you for posting this, it was good also for me to hear the" other womans " anguish.
Love is trying, but I honestly don't think that you were in love with this man. I believe that it was a deep infatuation. If I could guess right I would say that you are an A type personality with a deep rooted competitive side that you were never ever able to explore properly. Hence the 3rd infidelity. You seem for some reason to want to come back for more... Why? Why do you torture yourself ? You tell freely that the first 2 died. Do you mean the relationship died out or did they really die?
Again if they died of natural causes it means they were probably older than you, just like the last one ( 15 yrs ) Why the father figure? Is this true love or a void in something else?

What happened to your husband that you left? Did he have a hard time? Has this ever affected your judgement and finally how is your conscience in that area?
Sorry to ask so many questions but honestly having the chance to ask the other women these questions is not an opportunity I get very often. I am really curious.