I have been dating someone for almost 3 years. A few weeks ago, I sent him an email that was intended for someone else. The content of the email seemed to imply that I was going to meet with the guy I was writing to. The guy is an ex of mine that I am very good friends with and the current boyfriend is aware that we are friends and had no issue with it. The email was long and definitely flirtatious and had sexual innuendos, but it was all in jest. For example he asked me to meet him the next morning at 8 for a "rendezvous" and I just wrote "Lol" back - we used to jokingly talk that way. While I know that I was wrong to flirt like that, trust me when I tell you I had absolutely no intention of meeting him at all - I am completely in love with my current boyfriend and we had just finished having discussions THAT DAY before the incident happened about moving in together in September.

This email is the source of our current break-up. When I sent the email, he asked me to explain. I did explain, and told him that it was not as it seemed, that I did not plan to go out with this guy. He said he didn't believe me and that I tricked him into believing that I was a particular type of woman but I am not that woman that he thought I was and that I should never talk to him, call him, email him, or text him ever again. I didn't believe that he was serious. I emailed him 3 times over the period of one week and received no answer. I sent another email that acknowledged my wrong doing and asking if we could try to move on in any way. No answer. I then became angry that not only did he refuse to talk to me, but he was choosing to believe somthign that wasn't even true. So I sent a 4th email that was very angry. To my surprise, he wrote back basically saying that I betrayed him and that I refused to acknowledge my wrong doing so we don't need to talk and that he does not want me to contact him ever again and to leave him alone so he can try to move on. I was so hurt. So I sent a final email saying that I would not contact him again but it's because he asked me to do that and not because its what I want. I also apologized profusely in the email. I have not contacted him since and that has now been for 2 weeks. We have 3 mutual friends and he has been out of touch with them since the past 2 weeks as well. I don't blame him for being angry because had I received the same kkind of email I would have been livid as it does seem highly suspicious but my God he should know me and that I would never cheat on him! I would have eventually come around and given him the benefit of the doubt. It's been 5 quiet weeks now.

I'd like all opinions but especially ones from men. All of my guy friends say to give him time to be angry and allow him even more time as he is also grieving the death of an extremely close family member. But he has never asked me not to talk to him and he has never ignored me. Does he just need time or is he really done - something this simple that is not even true could break us up after we had just discussed how committed to the relationship we were? We are both in our 30's. Thanks.

I would end it with you. 3 years and your still talking to your x man get over it and move on, it sounds like your both late night booty calls. I would have gave you the ax along time ago!

I hate how women have guy friends, They're not guy friends they're guy who want to get in your pants!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tarnoldwild

I would end it with you. 3 years and your still talking to your x man get over it and move on, it sounds like your both late night booty calls. I would have gave you the ax along time ago!

---

My current boyfriend didn't have a problem with it - they have even met one another. He is also friends with one of his ex's and I also don't take issue with it as she's a really cool girl. I am not sure why you made that late night booty call statement, nor why you are saying you would have given me the "ax" ages ago- obviously, he doesn't feel that way or he would have ended it before 3 years, don't you think? Thank you for kicking me while I am down. :(

Hi notperfect

Firstly let me say please don't take what tarnoldwild said as good advice or what you will be getting from the majority of people on here. That's his/her opinion and wrong in my opinion. Even though flirty behaviour at your age is not really appropriate.

Anyway I think you should just let him brood for a while and if he really loves you he will come around eventually.

If he doesn't he may have been waiting for an excuse to end this and this is it. Have you been having problems of late by any chance?

Quote:

---

We are both in our 30's.

---

I'm sorry, but before I read this line I thought you were about 20. Does that tell you something? I don't mean to be sarcastic but, a 30-something woman, in a steady relationship for 3 years, and still writing flirty, provocative e-mails to an ex of at least 3 years ago, there's something definitely wrong with this picture. And yes, had it been me I would've dropped you like a hot potato too. Even if I "believed" you that nothing actually "happened", the behavior itself is totally inappropriate and a sure relationship killer, never mind the potential implications.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by deesnider80

yeah I don't know why he said he's cool with it. The only way I see a man being cool with you talking to your ex is cause he dose not care about you that much to care. I also would have said this ends now or I'm moving on with my life a long time ago. Take it from me the man.

---

I wouldn't say he doesn't care because I have no doubt about his love for me. Besides, how could he tell me to not speak to my ex anymore if he still speaks with his ex? But if he had asked me to stop talking to him, I would have stopped.

I don't think time will help. Yes, he's angry, but if he could get over it he'd have told you "just give me some time" not "don't ever call me again".

He's gone to no contact, you have to do the same.

The email may have been innocent and I understand being friends with an ex, I'm friends with most of mine, but there is a line you don't cross and you crossed it.

Obviously your boyfriend wasn't okay with this, doesn't believe it was innocent, probably never will and won't risk being with someone he thinks will or already has cheated on him.

I'm sorry this happened, but it's time to realize that it's over and try to move on.

Good luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by notperfect

I wouldn't say he doesn't care because I have no doubt about his love for me. Besides, how could he tell me to not speak to my ex anymore if he still speaks with his ex? But if he had asked me to stop talking to him, I would have stopped.

---

He can talk to his ex because he doesn't send her flirty, sexual emails.

It's a moot point anyway, it's been 5 weeks, it's time to accept that he may never forgive and forget.

How long are you willing to wait for him to call?

Move on, learn from this and live your life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'm sorry, but before I read this line I thought you were about 20. Does that tell you something? I don't mean to be sarcastic but, a 30-something woman, in a steady relationship for 3 years, and still writing flirty, provocative e-mails to an ex of at least 3 years ago, there's something definitely wrong with this picture. And yes, had it been me I would've dropped you like a hot potato too. Even if I "believed" you that nothing actually "happened", the behavior itself is totally inappropriate and a sure relationship killer, never mind the potential implications.

---

You thought I was 20 with the way that I write? I don't know of a 20 year old who writes so articulately and I was a teacher! I don't mean that to be a put-down; it's just rare to find a 20 year old who writes as I do.

Also, someone in their 30's does make mistakes, we are certainly not perfect!

Actually, that was the first flirty conversation we had in quite some time - 5 years to be exact (since we ended a "casual" dating situation). The following is a reason, not a justification, as I know I was wrong: My current boyfriend and I were going through a potential break-up over something that he did to me. While that was going on, I was talking with my ex who is now my FRIEND, and he began the flirtatious conversation, and I should have put a stop to it, but I didn't.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am going to get some constructive criticism and/or advice that I can actually use and reflect on as opposed to the assaults on my character! :confused:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Hi notperfect

Firstly let me say please don't take what tarnoldwild said as good advice or what you will be getting from the majority of people on here. Thats his/her opinion and wrong in my opinion. Even though flirty behaviour at your age is not really appropriate.

Anyway I think you should just let him brood for a while and if he really loves you he will come around eventually.

If he doesn't he may have been waiting for an excuse to end this and this is it. Have you been having problems of late by any chance ??

---

Flirty in any committed relationship at any age is inappropriate - at least to me.

People who are aware of the situation have said what you said about coming around eventually, especially older folk. He's not good with anger in general. Once we had an argument and it took him 2 weeks to get back to "normalcy".

Thank you for your reply. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by notperfect

You thought I was 20 with the way that I write? I don't know of a 20 year old who writes so articulately and I was a teacher! I don't mean that to be a put-down; it's just rare to find a 20 year old who writes as I do.

Also, someone in their 30's does make mistakes, we are certainly not perfect!

Actually, that was the first flirty conversation we had in quite some time - 5 years to be exact (since we ended a "casual" dating situation). The following is a reason, not a justification, as I know I was wrong: My current boyfriend and I were going through a potential break-up over something that he did to me. While that was going on, I was talking with my ex who is now my FRIEND, and he began the flirtatious conversation, and I should have put a stop to it, but I didn't.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am going to get some constructive criticism and/or advice that I can actually use and reflect on as opposed to the assaults on my character! :confused:

---

I'd like to point out that I didn't assault your character at all.

I know you made a mistake, and yes, it happens to all of us. The bad thing is that this mistake cost you the guy you love and he doesn't sound like he's going to forgive it.

It's been 5 weeks, no call, no text, nothing. He's trying to forget you, you have to do the same.

If he comes back then you can decide if you want to continue the relationship, but what if he doesn't come back? How long are you going to wait?

Really, you have to move on, for your own sake.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I don't think time will help. Yes, he's angry, but if he could get over it he'd have told you "just give me some time" not "don't ever call me again".

He's gone to no contact, you have to do the same.

The email may have been innocent and I understand being friends with an ex, I'm friends with most of mine, but there is a line you don't cross and you crossed it.

Obviously your boyfriend wasn't okay with this, doesn't believe it was innocent, probably never will and won't risk being with someone he thinks will or already has cheated on him.

I'm sorry this happened, but it's time to realize that it's over and try to move on.

Good luck.

---

He's never said "give me some time" after a fight or break-up. He usually will say that one day we can try to be friends. But he's also never said not to talk to him and actually stuck by that. He's crossed the line once before and I gave him the benefit of the doubt; I'm saddened that he can't do the same.

Thanks. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I'd like to point out that I didn't assault your character at all.

I know you made a mistake, and yes, it happens to all of us. The bad thing is that this mistake cost you the guy you love and he doesn't sound like he's going to forgive it.

It's been 5 weeks, no call, no text, nothing. He's trying to forget you, you have to do the same.

If he comes back then you can decide if you want to continue the relationship, but what if he doesn't come back? How long are you going to wait?

Really, you have to move on, for your own sake.

---

The character assaulting comment was not directed towards you at all.

I was thinking it was over, too, until a mutual friend of ours who was his friend first told me that for someone like him, it may take him a few months to get over it enough to think rationally, especially with the death in his family- the death is actually a very big thing that he is dealing with at this time.

I AM trying to move on, but I also wanted to hear some "outside" opinions.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by notperfect

He's never said "give me some time" after a fight or break-up. He usually will say that one day we can try to be friends. But he's also never said not to talk to him and actually stuck by that. He's crossed the line once before and I gave him the benefit of the doubt; I'm saddened that he can't do the same.

Thanks. :)

---

Well you know him better then we do. We can only read what you tell us and we have to form our opinions on that. It's hard to tell everything, especially if you have 3 years of history with him.

If he's come around before then just give him time. Wait a few more weeks, see what happens.

I'm just worried that you'll sit around waiting forever and he may never come around.

Keep us posted. We're here if you need to talk. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by notperfect

You thought I was 20 with the way that I write? I don't know of a 20 year old who writes so articulately and I was a teacher! I don't mean that to be a put-down; it's just rare to find a 20 year old who writes as I do.

Also, someone in their 30's does make mistakes, we are certainly not perfect!

Actually, that was the first flirty conversation we had in quite some time - 5 years to be exact (since we ended a "casual" dating situation). The following is a reason, not a justification, as I know I was wrong: My current boyfriend and I were going through a potential break-up over something that he did to me. While that was going on, I was talking with my ex who is now my FRIEND, and he began the flirtatious conversation, and I should have put a stop to it, but I didn't.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am going to get some constructive criticism and/or advice that I can actually use and reflect on as opposed to the assaults on my character! :confused:

---

Please don't take anything personally, it wasn't intended that way. It wasn't the articulateness of your writing that I found questionable but the whole idea of sending provocative e-mails to an ex 3+ years distant ; also your seeming inability to understand how that could kill a relationship. The only real "constructive criticism" I could give you is to not do anything like that again and, as Altenweg told you, learn from this mistake and move on. You said you wanted a man's point of view so I gave you one. Sorry if I seemed so harsh but keep in mind that men generally aren't as subtle as women. That can be good in certain cases and bad in certain other ones.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Please don't take anything personally, it wasn't intended that way. It wasn't the articulateness of your writing that I found questionable but the whole idea of sending provocative e-mails to an ex 3+ years distant ; also your seeming inability to understand how that could kill a relationship. The only real "constructive criticism" I could give you is to not do anything like that again and, as Altenweg told you, learn from this mistake and move on. You said you wanted a man's point of view so I gave you one. Sorry if I seemed so harsh but keep in mind that men generally aren't as subtle as women. That can be good in certain cases and bad in certain other ones.

---

Thank you for clarifying. If you don't mind, please re-read what I have written. It was ONE flirty conversation! And as I have mentioned, he has done a thing (or two) in the past which seemed shady and I looked beyond that; I chose to trust him. It bothers me that he can't do the same - after 3 years. I'd NEVER break up with him over an email - especially if he was going through all kinds of hoops to show and prove that he didn't meet with the person. But I am trying to be generous because I know he's going through a difficult time in his life right now and that is taking priority over things having to do with me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Well you know him better then we do. We can only read what you tell us and we have to form our opinions on that. It's hard to tell everything, especially if you have 3 years of history with him.

If he's come around before then just give him time. Wait a few more weeks, see what happens.

I'm just worried that you'll sit around waiting forever and he may never come around.

Keep us posted. We're here if you need to talk. :)

---

Thank you so much - I appreciate you letting me know that I can come here to talk if need be. I'm a newbie here - how did you comment on my previous post?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by notperfect

Thank you so much - I appreciate you letting me know that I can come here to talk if need be. I'm a newbie here - how did you comment on my previous post?

---

After you've been here for 48 hours at the bottom of each post (where the "quote" button is) another button appears called "Rate this answer" You'll be able to use that button to comment on any post.

Hi .what would you really want him to do?all this time when he refuses contact-how does that make you feel? Do you need a relationship where there little trust good luck- where ties