Ask Me Help Desk - The "IDK" what I want

Hello to All.

I know what I must do... its been made clear by my friends. My situation is this. My girlfriend of 1yr+ has recently again told me she is not happy. That she doesn't know what she wants. Its always this answer and I feel it's the must bull answer anyone can get.

We are both 26 years of age and she has 2 kids, a girl who is 3 and a boy who is 5 going on 6 soon. We both live together and I do my part paying bills and taking care of her kids. Her family really likes me and everything so this isn't the problem. Or so I don't think it is. This girl is sometimes a moody person, bipolar to word it right and I understand with kids its hard. So that's a little about her and me.

Back to it. Monday she talked to me and just told me she was not happy and didn't know what it was but it was not me. That it was her and she just wasn't happy and that she was sorry for doing this to me and putting me through this again. ( 3rd time, Ive left the home 3 times and returned. ) That I deserve better and not this crap. She doesn't know why but its just her. That am so good to her and the kids. She crys telling me but I just sit and listen. Ive tried to get the truth out of her but this is what I get. That she is tired of this, and it keeps coming back to this.

I love the girl, I really do and I know I will be asked why do I want a girl like this and why do I keep going back or accepting her? Well because I love her and I don't want to give up on her or really just on us. I know am only making things harder for myself but I believe love is always a risk, with anyone. I choose to risk myself to feel a wonderful emotion. So since that day... she has just been the same of, I don't know what I want, but I do love you, she won't say I love you but says she does care about me a lot and loves me and doesn't know what she wants. That small things have been bothering her like me being on my cell because she feels am being secretative and that it shouldn't bother her. And I told her am not doing anything but that she is being selfish of me because of how she feels. She even said yes it does, because I do love you and I don't want to see you with anyone else. Ive asked her than why let me go and she says I don't know what I want and just crys.

We are apart, and I know the "no contact" rule will soon apply to me. But I'd like to know why am so confused about her not being happy and it not being me. I feel there is someone else she has met or talking to. I want the truth from her but this is all I really get.

Am aware, strong first post.

You may never find out the real reason. Sometimes the feeling just dies because you're around each other too much. Sometimes there genuinely isn't a reason. Girls almost always say that "I don't know what I want" line. Just go NC and eventually she'll remember what she's missing. Whether she wants you back in her life is up to her, not you.

Secretly all girls want the drama. She wants you to pine over her and try your hardest to get her back. Don't fall for the tricks. NC now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by reckless

you may never find out the real reason. sometimes the feeling just dies because you're around each other too much. sometimes there genuinely isn't a reason. girls almost always say that "I don't know what I want" line. Just go NC and eventually she'll remember what she's missing. Whether or not she wants you back in her life is up to her, not you.

Secretly all girls want the drama. She wants you to pine over her and and try your hardest to get her back. don't fall for the tricks. NC now.

I understand reckless. But deep down inside of me, Im tired of doing my hardest to get back with her. So this is something I won't be doing anymore. She knows or I Feel that she knows that I do care and I have tried. But I think she has made up her mind and its understandable.

You may be right, she got tired of the same routine, the same day to day thing. Us living together may have just made her unhappy.

If this has happened to you 3 times, and it's "necessary" for you to leave because she's not happy...

... she's a fickle woman and you need to walk way.

You tried more than once, you did your part with bills and the kids. She's been telling you the classic, "It's not you, it's me" line, just in a different way. It's confusing because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and say outrightly that she doesn't think she wants to be with you anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you should be relieved you won't be her personal yo-yo anymore. Go NC, and begin the healing process.

Don't go back to her this time. You've already established this is a cyclical thing, and going in circles too much can seriously make you sick.

Good luck.

Update: So the girl and I talked briefly about how things are heading to an end between us. While we began to talk, she began to cry. She told me it was hard and she just didn't know what was going to happen. She told me she loved me and cared for me and she just didn't know what she wants. That it was her, her not being happy. That no matter what anyone does for her she is never truly happy. That she doesn't know why she is like this. She still calls me babe and stuff but I know its only because we live together and are used to each other. All I did was listen and ask a few things but all is the same. Its seems to me she is being strong about this and am really confused and a bit weak about this. I'm aware on what I got to do. But in my head I still feel she wants me but is pushing me away for some reason. Why doesn't she know what she wants? Is that a lie or line a girl uses to get out of a relationship? As of right now I don't know where we stand because she still treats me like we are together a bit.

Has she ever seen anyone for depression?

I can't tell if she is lying to you or not by saying that being with you isn't the reason she isn't happy, but I went through a thing at the end of last year/beginning of this year (lasted maybe 4 months) when I just wasn't happy with anything. I considered my relationship with my ex as part of the problem but I eventually came to the conclusion that I just felt like I wasn't getting anywhere in my life and my ex really wasn't the reason.

Unfortunately, the feeling had already taken it's toll on the relationship. The ex dumped me about a month and a half ago (19 days NC) and one of his reasons was that he felt like I was mad at him all the time and he just wanted me to be happy. Don't know if this was the entire reason because he has been going through a rough patch in his life as well, but I feel horrible that it came down to this. He probably got so frustrated because nothing he did made me happy.

Anyway, I think NC and space is the best you can do right now. It's what I'm doing and I'm currently in my 6th week of therapy for depression. I'm hoping that I come out of this stronger and wiser and HAPPIER. I'll be happy with my own life and will stop holding myself back and maybe he'll see that I've made some progress.

There's more to the story, of course, and if you're interested it's under the "is it really over this time" thread.

Good luck to you.

It doesn't matter what she wants, because her commitment, and willingness to work with you, just isn't there.

That's the bottom line here and you should leave for the fourth and last time.

Sorry guy, but the pattern is clear, even to you.

You talked about her being bi-polar. I would suggest at the very least that she's depressed.

She may genuinely not know why she's unhappy - people do feel like this - but she does seem to understand that it's affecting her life and her relationships.

I don't think that she's playing games with you, but she does seem unable to get herself out the unhappy rut that she's in. Perhaps she needs to see someone to talk through her unhappiness. This is her responsibility not yours. She needs to take some responsibility for how she's feeling and the effect it has on other people.

Why don't you back off for a while - the relationship is making you unhappy rather than contributing anything positive to your life. I agree that you should not contact her for a while - let her be, and don't try to make things better.

You're young and you should be enjoying life - get out with your friends and have a laugh.

Hey buddy, I went through this whole thing with my ex. If she doesn't know what she wants and is unable to communicate why she feels this way, it is probably because her feelings for you have changed and are waning. She probably doesn't feel the same way she did toward you when you first met. This is something she has to deal with. There is really nothing you can do to change that.

You can try and fight and be there for her. You can try and be romantic and do the little things you did when you first met. However, from my experience, this only helps temporarily. You can only keep that up so much before you get burned out again.

The more you talk about this issue, the more she will pull away, because she doesn't know how to communicate to you how she feels in a way that will not hurt you. That is her biggest fear... hurting you.

This will continue until she is finally able to pull herself away from you enough emotionally to break-up with you. That is what's happening right now. Her saying she doesn't know what she wants and that she is not happy is how it manifests itself in the relationship. Granted, you, Gemini, and JAMMA, think there could be an underlying medical condition causing her to feel this way (which it could be), but I found that bringing this stuff up when she feels this way makes things worse. You can suggest going to the doctor to see about getting help for depression or whatever, but I think she feels this way because of how the relationship is now... not because she is sick. If you do suggest this, be VERY careful, as she may interpret your attempt to help the wrong way. The depression thing may be something she will need to deal with on her own.

If it were me, I would step back, take a hard look about how things are going between you both, and make the first move. It may save you a lot of pain in the long run if you make the hard choices now, rather than putting in all of the work and letting her make the choice months later, because it will take a while before she does.

All the signs are there that the pattern is going to repeat.

Threads merged

I've written before, I was with no contact with the ex for 14 days. Which is basically 2 weeks. Throughout this time, I kept busy with my life, spent time with my family, mostly my brother. It has been a tough time but I did do the no contact rule. My cousin also helped me through these tough times due to the fact she is a family terapist. Talking to her was very helpful and I benefited from talking and hearing it wasn't me.

So I will explain the break down of what happened. It happened the beginning days of August. My EX told me she wasn't happy and she didn't know what she wanted. That she was unhappy and that it wasn't me , and it was her. I tried to talk and communicate with her but it just made things worse. I left her alone for a few days and we tried no talking for a few days and seeing how things would be. It failed, she felt she missed me but was just feeling lonely. She would say it was not fair to me and the more she thought about things , the more she felt we couldn't be together. I did every mistake out there, from beginning, calling, contacting, trying to see her, etc. I was depressed and my emotions were making me feel all these things. Now as for her, she is 26, has 2 kids, and was married but is divorced. She told me she wanted to be alone and be just her and her kids. This is where things became more clear to me. I figured she wanted to work things out with her ex husband etc... she said she didn't but I felt she was lying only to not hurt me. It became clear to me that she was. He began to stay with her and be more around than before... It hurt me but it made me stronger. I didn't say anything about it. Sometime during Sept 14, I just stopped trying, I decided to let her go and let her be happy. I forgave her, and I forgave myself so I could free myself. I mean that, I don't hate her for it. I understood things more clearer and from her own eyes. I will admit that I thought about her, and I missed her but by all means, I didn't contact her. Time went by, 14 days went by, and I get a text message from her.

Her: Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing...
Me: Hi am OK hope your fine and happy
Her: I'm doing OK
Me: Im sure your happy and fine, hope you have a good night, sleep tight.

I felt I was a bit rude but I kept things short and to the point. I left things as that... If you ask why I texted back, I know I didn't have to. But I can't be rude, and regardless of what has and had happened. I still want to keep her in my lift, regardless if we aren't together. My cousin advised me, this could just be guilt and I did fine by not continuing the conversation. Few days pass by and on Sunday( Sept 27 ) at 3AM she textes me with the below message that I read at 10AM.

Her: So I said I wasn't going to drunk text you... But I was
Thinking about you and Im sorry for being such a to you. I hope
U find someone who truly makes you because you deserve that your a great
Guy...

I wrote back , this was the entire conversation.
Me: I was right about everything. About you working it out with
Richard. You know what you wanted all along, it just isn't me. Im sure
Your happy with him or whatever new guy you are talking to now, In my
Heart I forgive you, I forgive you. I was happy being with you, you
Were just too blind to notice what you had. I don't know. I do know
That I love you. But I can't tell you anything because well you know. And
U can't tell me anything because its probably been erased. I hope
Someone does better than I did . Hope you had fun.

Her: Yea, I'm talking to rich... Am I happy? No, but I wasn't happy
With you and I don't know why you were perfect. So I figured I won't ever be happy.
At least with rich the kids will have their dad and we will be taken
Care of. Yes I was blind when I was with u. I miss you like crazy and I
Think about you all the time. Im sorry about everything...

Me: Don't be sorry, am sorry for not helping out. It was about money. I
Just was not making enough of it. I don't know. Forgive yourself, so
You can free yourself... so you can move on with your life. I know he
Stays with you why you couldn't sit and talk before. Its fine. I wsihed I
Had a chance but there isn't from what you say. You make yourself feel u
Can't be happy, I know I made you happy at one point and I am confident I
Could one day again. Will I have that? Only God will tell me. Like I
Said , I forgive you. At least now you know, I don't hate you. Ill never
Let you down, ill never let you fall or down, ill be around the corner
To save you. Don't give up on yourself, because I haven't, and I won't as
Long am alive.

Her: Im sorry for texting you. I know I just need to leave u
Alone. And I will I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve to
Be treated.

Me: Stop, I just think you need to figure out what you want. I never
Said you couldn't text or call me. But if that's what you want I can't stop
u. I know richard doesn't want you talking to me anyway. You make
Yourself think you couldn't treat me good, you put yourself down.

Her: I just don't why I treated you so bad and I'm sorry. Idc what
Rich thinks but I need to let you move on and I need to move on also.

Me: You already have OK, your with richard. Im fine... Im strong and
I always will be... If you want me out of your life say so...

Her: I don't...

Me: Then stop saying stupid things like you can't talk to me... I want
To know if your really happy with Him? Do you really think you cant
Ever be with me again? Be Honest and answer from your heart! It doesn't
Change anything.

Her: No I'm not happy with him because I keep thinking about u..
IDK if we could ever be together again.

Me: Why is that? Cause everything that has happened?

Her: Yeah

Me: This why you need to forgive yourself and me and get past it all.
But I have... U have a chance in my heart... b ut only you can take
That leap of faith or risk. Don't be sorry for anything, I do forgive
You... this is what you wanted and I gave to you. Don't be mad.

Her: Im not mad.

Me: There is hope, you know it... I just want you to accept that. Stop
Putting yourself down. People make mistakes, I don't hate you for it. I do miss you.

Her: I miss you more :(

Me: you be fine... you haven't lost me, you just need to follow the
Light and your heart.

The conversation ended there and she began to ask other things but I was not so detailed. Later that day she would text me and I would just see it as a way for her to talk.

The next day she contacts me again telling me, things such as, thanks for everything sorry she hurt me, what was wrong with her. That she feels so unhappy. She said she said I made her happy but wasn't happy with herself, that she told her Ex Husband(richard) the truth, that she didn't love him and just with him for help... that nothing makes her happy and what was wrong with her. I told her a few things and ended the conversation. The next day , yesterday that is, we talked in person and I told her she needed to stop living in pity and she could be happy. She told me she was having a bad day the other night she messaged me and she thanked me for being there. I told her why she went back to her EX Husband and she told me, she was wondering what if and she tried it and she just doesn't love him... That she needs to be alone and I told her, you said that before but I bet few days from now, she'll feel lonely and be with someone else or him again... and she said no, not this time but whatever she says I won't believe. Which I don't... but she explained, I do miss you and I do think about you and being with you BUT, I want to make sure she knows she is happy with herself. I told her I wasn't going to be brought down , that after everything that has happened, I was still standing, that I still forgave her... She tried huggin me and I pushed her off twice, but I did hold her the last time before I left. I advised her, I would be there to help her but she needed to help herself making herself happy. She says, We have tried before and that why she feels we can't be together again but she doesn't know. I kept my ground... I told her if she didn't want me around I would turn my back and not look back if that's what she wanted... She told me it wasn't. But she needed to be alone and focus on her kids and herself. She doesn't know if there could be a chance, that she has thought about it and she does miss me and think about me... That I had told her she probably wouldn't talk to me before and here we are now and she's did. She told me, don't read into it... because she doesn't know. I bid my good bye and left... I told her it was nice seeing her and I took off.

I KNOW, I have to just leave her alone, continue to not contact her... I never made the first step by contacting her first... she did it all... I just responded. I have been working on myself... focusing on myself... I will not stop that... I won't sit and wait... But I will admit I do want a chance... maybe not now, but when she feels she is happy. How should I take this. I know all I can do is leave her alone and allow time to do its thing and continue to focus on loving myself first. How can she feel this way, missing me and thinking about me... IS it guilt? Is it she has feelings for me?

Thanks for reading... I know it was a long story... But right now, I am doing the best for myself... I know I can't dwell on it, I do think about it... but I won't let myself fall down.

Quote:

when she feels she is happy

Geez guy she has her baby daddy and you and she still isn't happy, and may never be.

Quote:

How should I take this. I know all i can do is leave her alone and allow time to do its thing and continue to focus on loving myself first.

That's exactly what you do.

Quote:

How can she feel this way, missing me and thinking about me... IS it guilt? Is it she has feelings for me?

Who knows what going on in her head. For sure though not contacting her is the right thing to do, now all you have to do is follow through, and stop LETTING her contact you.

That's where all the confusion and false hope comes from, allowing her to talk to you. Rude, but fair. Its something you do for yourself, not her. Stop letting her keep those old feelings stirred up inside you. Until you do, you'll be trying to figure out why your still miserable, confused, and full of false hope.

Protecting your own mental, and emotional well being is not rude at all, since you haven't got the guts to tell her to leave you alone. That's all she will respect... the truth, not that other wishy washy stuff you tell her now.

Do No Contact the right way for your own good.

All this confusion will stop when you cease to have any communication with her.
Never mind her texting you -never mind being polite- go NC and stay so for your healing so you can move on and stop clinging to false hope.

The no contact progress can feel tough at first. The pain might get even worse in the early stages, but once you've reached the pinacle, it will get easier, but it takes time. 2 weeks of NC is not longer at all. Just pe patient with yourself and keep yourself as occupied as possible so that you don't dwell on the situation anymore. The more you think about it, the more it can delay your healing process.

I understand what your all saying... The thing is that I want her back.. I really do... I understand what you all mean by No Contact... So that's why I never really contacted her in the first place. She did all that on her own... In my heart I have hope, hope that she will return... But in my Brain/Mind... I don't see her doing so... or At least that's how I make my brain process it all. So I don't dwell as much on it as I did before. So all I do is keep myself far, so far away that I don't think about it... That's why right now am not as hurt as I once was. I been down this road block before... I have gotten my answers. I have forgiven her and myself, so I could continue to stand and be strong. Right now, that's what I am doing. I know she won't come back anytime soon... so I don't think about it or read into it.

When she does message me or contact me... I don't take it so serious... I just read it and respond. Sometimes I just read the message and I don't even respond till I feel ready to.

But even those fleeting contacts stir your emotions up, that's why they need to stop, so your mind can stop playing tricks on your heart.

We all go through this after a break up, until we get enough misery and false hope, and want a change to free ourselves of the mind games. And that's exactly what NC does for you. Real NC though.

Stop playing with yourself, and letting her do this to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

But even those fleeting contacts stir your emotions up, thats why they need to stop, so your mind can stop playing tricks on your heart.

We all go thru this after a break up, until we get enough misery and false hope, and want a change to free ourselves of the mind games. And thats exactly what NC does for you. Real NC though.

Stop playing with yourself, and letting her do this to you.

Yeah I know what your saying. But that's why I said, my mind and my heart have two different thoughts... Right now, I am hurting... not as much as I was a Month ago or so. So that's why I am not all caught up in it as I was back than. I know I am not fully healed yet, but I also do know the memories or scars will always be there but won't hurt as bad as they did in the beginning. For now, I will continue to just be myself... Worry over myself and make myself happy. I know I am doing well right now... Things have gotten better for me and I know they will continue to.

Thanks for the responses. I will keep reading the thread and continue to make updates as they come. Thanks for reading a long story.

NC means not only that you don't contact her, but also that you don't respond to any of her attempts to communicate with you. TOTAL NC!

Yes, it's "rude," but if you talk to her whenever she calls or texts you, there is contact and more tearing into the wound.

I will do my best.

Thanks Wondergirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by rb25

I understand what your all saying... The thing is that I want her back.. i really do...

So she can continue the pattern? You seem to be a glutton for punishment at the moment, wanting something out of someone that just isn't there, and never will be.

Like Tal and everyone else said, NC is the only way to help you get over this. That is, if you even want to get over this.