:( Can anybody please tell me what I need to do with my 11 yr old son... I am single mother of 3 kids ages 15 and 11 and 21 months old... My son is very defiant and aggressive and disrespectful.. He is ADHD and has been on Adderall XR since he was 4 yrs old... He has not had a father figure in his life like he should have had.. His dad has not been a big part of his life or very responsible as far has being there for his son like my son has needed.. He has been in and out of his life for very short periods and made promises he never kept to him... And his dad is an alcoholic and been involved in drugs and I guess it may be better that way that he's not a big part of his life except for the fact that my son loves him deep down inside and is hurt and really wishes his dad was here for him and around and was able to do things with him that other kids do with there dads... He wants that so badly... My son is a PreAP/GT student in school and does very well with his grades... The teachers seem to think he is a great kid and has A lot of potential.. I have been told that he is very bright and artistic since he was in kindergarten... Sometimes I feel its all my fault and I feel guilty for a lot of things that have gone wrong in his life... Me and my son have always been close since he was baby.. He was always my baby.. Some people think that it could be a lot of underlying problems and one of them being that he is jealous of his liitle brother who is now 21 months old... I don't know... I just think it could be a lot of things and I don't where to start or begin to look or find out... I just want to know what's wrong with him.. He won't talk to me except about things that go wrong at school as far as kids picking on him and calling him names... Can someone please tell me what to do... I have had the police out here to our home for him hitting me and biting me and throwing things and cussing at me and calling me names... He has also been in trouble for stealing and lying... And he has never done this until the last year or so that I know of... They have said that if they keep coming back and they see marks on me or he's out of control then they are going to take him and put him Juvenile detention and then later he may have to go to boot camp or TYC.. they told him they don't want to have to do that to him... I don't know what to do... Because he still is my baby and I don't want him to go through that.. My family thinks that I need to do something before someone gets hurt.. But I can't find it in my heart to have him sent off or put somewhere... I see myself making excuses for him a lot and I don't understand why I do that... I know I am not perfect.. I am a mother who has made plenty of mistakes in my life and I just try and move on and hope that I have learned from them... But I am only human and there is only so much of this I can take and I feel so overwhelmed with all this.. SOmetimes I feel like crawling in a corner and not coming out... Im tired of feeling this way and being miserable in my own home and being told what to do by my own child... Its tearing my family apart and my 21 month old is starting to act out because he sees the arguiing and fighting... I don't want my baby to follow in his brothers foot steps and treat me the same way cause he sees it and thinks its OK... Everythime I try and set down ground rules or demand respect it seems he just gets even worse.. I can't discipline him because he just goes into a rage and kicks me and hits and bites me... I have tried and I don't know what to do witout getting in a confrontation... Nothing ever seems to change.. One day he will be fine and loving and caring and we get along fine and the next minute you make him mad he is a totally different child calling me all kinds of HORRIBLE names and tells me he wants to kill me (althought I know its just his anger talking and I don't think he really means it)... My son is a really great kid with a big heart... WHAT WENT WRONG? WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

Have you seen a doctor to have his meds evaluated? He has been on for 7 years and may have developed a tolerance to the meds and maybe the medication is no longer therapuetic.

First and foremost, I am curious about the medication. After 7 years either the dosage needs to be increased/decreased or changes. There have been so many advances in meds in the last year alone that I believe he should be evaluated to see if this medication is still working.

Is he in counseling? If not, I suggest this. He needs to learn to deal with the anger issues. I strongly suggest counseling. Apparently he is exhibiting serious anger mismanagement and this needs to be addressed. Especially since it is beginning to effect your 21 month old.

You can send him to all the boot camps in the world, but if the issues he harbors inside are not addressed no camp in the world will be effective.

Have you looked into therapy for him? It sounds like that'd do him a world of good. Especially if these problems have only started within the past year or so.

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Originally Posted by Kristi0772

:( Can anybody please tell me what I need to do with my 11 yr old son...I am single mother of 3 kids ages 15 and 11 and 21 months old...My son is very defiant and aggressive and disrespectful..He is ADHD and has been on Adderall XR since he was 4 yrs old...He has not had a father figure in his life like he should have had..His dad has not been a big part of his life or very responsible as far has bein there for his son like my son has needed..He has been in and out of his life for very short periods of time and made promises he never kept to him...And his dad is an alcoholic and been involved in drugs and I guess it may be better that way that hes not a big part of his life except for the fact that my son loves him deep down inside and is hurt and really wishes his dad was here for him and around and was able to do things with him that other kids do with there dads...He wants that so badly....My son is a PreAP/GT student in school and does very well with his grades...The teachers seem to think he is a great kid and has ALOT of potential..I have been told that he is very bright and artistic since he was in kindergarten...Sometimes I feel its all my fault and I feel guilty for alot of things that have gone wrong in his life....Me and my son have always been close since he was baby..He was always my baby..Some people think that it could be a lot of underlying problems and one of them being that he is jealous of his liitle brother who is now 21 months old...I dont know......I just think it could be alot of things and I dont where to start or begin to look or find out...I just wanna know whats wrong with him..He wont talk to me except about things that go wrong at school as far as kids pickin on him and calling him names...Can someone please tell me what to do...I have had the police out here to our home for him hitting me and biting me and throwing things and cussing at me and calling me names....He has also been in trouble for stealing and lying....And he has never done this until the last year or so that I know of....They have said that if they keep coming back and they see marks on me or hes out of control then they are goin to take him and put him Juvenile detention and then later he may have to go to boot camp or TYC..they told him they dont wanna have to do that to him...I dont know what to do...Because he still is my baby and I dont want him to go through that..My family thinks that I need to do something before someone gets hurt..But I can't find it in my heart to have him sent off or put somewhere....I see myself making excuses for him alot and I dont understand why I do that...I know I am not perfect..I am a mother who has made plenty of mistakes in my life and I just try and move on and hope that I have learned from them...But I am only human and there is only so much of this I can take and I feel so overwhelmed with all this..SOmetimes I feel like crawling in a corner and not coming out....Im tired of feeling this way and being miserable in my own home and bein told what to do by my own child...Its tearing my family apart and my 21 month old is starting to act out because he sees the arguiing and fighting...I dont want my baby to follow in his brothers foot steps and treat me the same way cause he sees it and thinks its ok....Everythime I try and set down ground rules or demand respect it seems he just gets even worse..I can't discipline him because he just goes into a rage and kicks me and hits and bites me...I have tried and I dont know what to do witout getting in a confrontation...Nothing ever seems to change..One day he will be fine and loving and caring and we get along fine and the next minute u make him mad he is a totally different child calling me all kinds of HORRIBLE names and tells me he wants to kill me (althought I know its just his anger talking and I dont think he really means it)...My son is a really great kid with a big heart....WHAT WENT WRONG ??WHAT DO I DO??PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!

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I know exactly what your going threw. I was going threw the samething with my 7 year old adopted child. I did everything, tried loving her, discipling her, rewarding her etc. I would have bite marks and bruises on my arms, my husband also. We would have to hold her down for hours until she got control of herself (this is what the doctors told us to do-to keep her from harming herself and others. I finally couldn't do it anymore. We took her to one hospital and they told us they had no pschological areas in that hospital. Basically she would admit she hurts herself and others but didn't know why. Then it progressed and we finally took her to another hospital. Her legs and arms where full of bruises from when she would go threw these spells she would kick & hit anything that got in her way. (she was so strong when she was in these rages and remind you she is only 7). She also had ADHD, attachment disorder, OD, and they diagnoised her with biopolar. She was in the hospital for 9 weeks but typical stay they told me is 3 to 5 days. They will diagnois your son and get him on the right medications (they will play around with them). They suggested we put her in residential treatment for behavioral and other things she has. It was the hardest thing as a parent I ever had to do, I loved my child. But it was so hard on the family and I wasn't being fair to her not getting her the help she needed. I would always get a lot of unwanted advice from people-but in my heart I tried everything first.

While I was reading your post, I had the same thoughts about the meds as J_9.
I had a terrible experience with a similar drug when I was a young teen. It made me feel like a crazed out of control beast. I could not control the outbursts and had intense hate for my family members. Your sons behavior sounds a lot like how I was. The medication made me act that way because I was misdiagnosed and treated accordingly. Come to find out, all along, I had a food allergy, not a mental illness.
Please check about the meds your son is on. It may take being off meds for a while to accurately diagnose his condition and I would strongly recommend you discussing that with his Dr. along with other possible causes and treatment options.
"Doctors are not always successful at correctly diagnosing a mental illness in children", When I was concerned about my 3 and a half year old sons wild and out of control behavior, those words came from my children's doctors mouth, who is strongly against giving young children diagnoses like ADD and ADHD then treating them with potentially harmful medication. He suggested I cut the added sugar and starches out of his diet (yummy cereal, potato chips, cookies, etc.), and by doing so, my son calmed down.
I really do suggest for you to have your son reevaluated. Something's going on inside him, imagine how he must feel having to live with that kind of hate and anger...
Have you made time to spend individual fun time with him? Just you and him doing something fun every now and then together? If he is craving that kind of special attention from his father, a man he barely knows with only disappointment in return, for your sons sake, you need to step up to the plate and become both his mother and his friend in order to fill the void.
My 6 year old daughter started acting out really bad once, it lasted for some time and eventually evolved into much worse behaviors. I had to stop one day and put all my hurt feelings about all the trouble she had been causing me aside and approach the situation differently. We started spending quality time together, just her and I, doing something fun together once a week. By changing my ways in the sense that I started spending individual quality time with her instead of continuing to punish her for the bad behavior, it made a big difference!! I came to realize that she just needed and wanted time well spent with me and that her bad behavior was her way of expressing and coping with those feelings. Children, as well as adults, don't always know how to verbalize their feelings correctly and result to expressing them through their actions. It's something to consider...
Good luck and best wishes,
Kae