Ask Me Help Desk - Was it crazy to love her?

I had a different post on here explaining my situation of my g/f leaving me... but, I wanted to ask a different question

Was it bad to love her and why did she not appreciate me?

We this coming August 13th, it would have been 5 years. Ever since the beginning, I had always felt like I took the weight of her problems on my shoulders. I am not trying to make this all about the monetary side of things, but I spend between $20k-30k on this girl in that time. This included buying her a new dog after she had to put the other one down, paying for her sorority tuition, paying part of her school tuition, expensive jewelry/clothing/accessories (coach, tiffany's, etc, cause she was definitely into the "finer" things), and I also did the normal things such as buying flowers, take her out to dinner, movies, mini golf... things like that. But, I was also extremely romantic about flowers, surprises. I was a gentleman, always picking up the tab and not even letting her see it, opening the door, walking with or behind her (never ahead)... things like that. I really felt like I went all out for this girl to take care of her and make her feel like she was on the top of the world. But, after awhile, I started getting tired of doing those things because she never really seemed like she appreciated it that much... I mean, I felt like she did, but didn't necessarily mean it... she even told me after awhile that it was such a regular thing, and she appreciates it, but she is not going to act excited everytime; I didn't really like that. Sure, I was looking for good reactions because I really wanted the things to mean something... but, I eventually stopped doing the little things (I was still a gentleman), but surprises and such became less and less. On top of that, since the beginning of the relationship, I always felt like I wasn't necessarily good enough because she was always getting mad at me because she would nit-pick at things I said or didn't say, or she wanted her space and I didn't give it to her, or she was pissed about her money problems, her weight problem, or whatever else that bothered her. She always had a hard time talking about things unless she was extremely upset, pissed, or was crying or already did cry.

So, yeah... take all that, and then look at the last 1/3 of the relationship where I stopped doing all that stuff and then that just pissed her off too. I felt like no matter what I did for her, it was never good enough... I mean, I knew/know she was high-maintenance, but I am the type of guy that really likes to take care of a woman... but, did she take advantage of me? Because now she is gone saying she was not happy for the past 2 years (which to me, is about when I stopped doing stuff) and yet, she has never really done anything for me... certainly, she did a few things, and I didn't expect anything in return, just that she never really showed appreciation (in my opinion) either.

So, was it dumb to think I loved her? Is it dumb to want her back? She left me like a month ago, and she is already with another guy... my shrink said it is cause she just did not need me anymore and that she has mental problems, and that this new guy will pass when reality sets in.

Im sorry if you feel upset or used-espically if she is with a new guy now, but let me tell you one thing YOU GOT OUT WHILE YOU STILL COULD imagine if you had married this crazy lady and would be stuck in this situation for A lot longer and be in an uphappy unfuffiled marriage. She must have some pretty serious metal issues it seems from what you wrote, but someday you are going to meet a lovley girl who will love you for you and money/expensive clothes/holidays won't matter. You sound like such a great guy and you know how to make a lady feel special but make sure she is making you feel special too. I'm sure you going to have times when you want her back-but Don't! You deserve better, it takes time to heal. I kind of feel sorry for her new boyfriend now and what he's going to have to go through. Always remember this EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. This girl wasn't for you but you have the experience and now you need to move on and learn from it

You sounds like the guy all girls describe, then blow off once they have gotten. I'm sorry honey but girls like your ex girlfriend are a dime a dozen and hardly few or far between.

It's important in any relationship to feel appreciated and respected, and it sounds like you felt neither and were aware of this. Maybe your needs changed and hers didn't, or vice versa. Maybe she realized you stopped doing the things you did before and she never understood it because you didn't explain it to her. Sometimes the things that are obvious to us are issues our partner is oblivious about. Like my complaining to my husband that he ALWAYS tosses his dirty socks on the clean laundry, even when he knows it's clean. He never even notices he does it, and I've nagged him at least twice about it. Some things are pointless, I just move the socks and try not to leave laundry out where he can defile it anymore.

People will only take from you as much as you allow them to take. So are you crazy for wanting her back? Hell yes? Why would you want someone back who didn't give you the things you deserve in a relationship? You think just because you were together for almost 5 years another chance is going to make every unbearable or awful thing you endured for love start to get better? Odds are that your both going to be pissed about the break up and need some vindication, because neither of you really felt in the wrong. You felt unappreciated, and I bet if someone were to ask her, she did too in a few ways.

Rarely is it dumb to love a person, they might be unworthy, or not grateful, but I wouldn't say it was dumb of you. It was dumb to know she didn't treat you right and stay. But not dumb to have tried, if anything that's admirable. If she's already out dating she was obviously ready to let it go and move on to the next guy she probably won't appreciate. I say take some time to be sure you know what you expect from a relationship. You've already got a nice list of the things you don't want after this one. Look for a girl who will appreciate you wanting to take care of her, and who wants to do the same for you. Did your therapist happen to mention that you didn't need her anymore either?

Everyone I have talked to has been telling me I don't need her, so yes, my therapist too.

I understand that everything happens for a reason and that it is better that I got out now.

Yes, I am sure she says she felt unappreciated because I stopped putting in effort for the last parts of the relationship, but the thing is... when I said I was sorry and she replied telling me it was not just me, she didn't "say something earlier", that is all she said... she didn't say she was sorry for all the nagging, ing, swearing, hanging up on me, being rude, giving me ultimatums, etc. I understand how she could have felt unappreciated, but my point is that I KNOW that I did A lot more for her, and she NEVER really seemed to appreciate it. The things she did for me, we even talked about it and I made her understand how much I appreciated it and she would tell me later she understood (yeah, I suppose she could have been lying).

I understand the maybes of changes and who needed them and who didn't... just didn't seem like that; where people just grew apart, it felt more like she really just didn't need me anymore because of her being happy for about as long as I stopped putting in the effort. But, I did on several occasions tell her why I stopped doing things, and I always told her that I did not feel like she appreciated me much and that the world revolved around her... I even took a step further said, look, I don't care if the world does revolve around you, and I want you treat you that way cause you are so special to me, but you don't always need to ACT that way (snobbish/selfish, so to speak), but she never seemingly really understood that... and now I am where I am now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darksubaru

I had a different post on here explaining my situation of my g/f leaving me...but, I wanted to ask a different question

Was it bad to love her and why did she not appreciate me?

We this coming August 13th, it would have been 5 years. Ever since the beginning, I had always felt like I took the weight of her problems on my shoulders. I am not trying to make this all about the monetary side of things, but I spend between $20k-30k on this girl in that time. This included buying her a new dog after she had to put the other one down, paying for her sorority tuition, paying part of her school tuition, expensive jewelry/clothing/accessories (coach, tiffany's, etc, cause she was definitely into the "finer" things), and I also did the normal things such as buying flowers, take her out to dinner, movies, mini golf...things like that. But, I was also extremely romantic about flowers, surprises. I was a gentleman, always picking up the tab and not even letting her see it, opening the door, walking with or behind her (never ahead)...things like that. I really felt like I went all out for this girl to take care of her and make her feel like she was on the top of the world. But, after awhile, I started getting tired of doing those things because she never really seemed like she appreciated it that much...I mean, I felt like she did, but didn't necessarily mean it...she even told me after awhile that it was such a regular thing, and she appreciates it, but she is not going to act excited everytime; I didn't really like that. Sure, I was looking for good reactions because I really wanted the things to mean something...but, I eventually stopped doing the little things (i was still a gentleman), but surprises and such became less and less. On top of that, since the beginning of the relationship, I always felt like I wasn't necessarily good enough because she was always getting mad at me because she would nit-pick at things I said or didn't say, or she wanted her space and I didn't give it to her, or she was pissed about her money problems, her weight problem, or whatever else that bothered her. She always had a hard time talking about things unless she was extremely upset, pissed, or was crying or already did cry.

So, yeah...take all that, and then look at the last 1/3 of the relationship where I stopped doing all that stuff and then that just pissed her off too. I felt like no matter what I did for her, it was never good enough...I mean, I knew/know she was high-maintenance, but I am the type of guy that really likes to take care of a woman...but, did she take advantage of me? Because now she is gone saying she was not happy for the past 2 years (which to me, is about when I stopped doing stuff) and yet, she has never really done anything for me...certainly, she did a few things, and I didn't expect anything in return, just that she never really showed appreciation (in my opinion) either.

So, was it dumb to think I loved her? Is it dumb to want her back? She left me like a month ago, and she is already with another guy...my shrink said it is cause she just did not need me anymore and that she has mental problems, and that this new guy will pass when reality sets in.

Oh dude, I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean.. I eve bought a house, etc... Exactly the same, and this was AFTER we broked up once. Its been about a month since she left.

No its not dumb to have loved her... probably dumb to want her back, I did it, and it left me worse of.. and I STILL wante her back, HA!!

Okay, so I am where you are at, therapy, blame and. I have not slept a whole night for a month and so on and so forth. It also gets worse, but Ill spare you the details.

You also have to realize that you are hurt. I know that you are questioning, going through the rubble and all, should haves and this and that. But know that you are hurt you have to start healing yourself... its hard.

Why she did not love you back, or want you back or this or that, is not going to change it for you, neither for me. I did the same, every time we'd go out, bought her jewlery, wherever she wanted to go, anything, worked 60hrs+ and so on for us...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darksubaru

I even took a step further said, look, I don't care if the world does revolve around you, and I want you treat you that way cause you are so special to me, but you don't always need to ACT that way (snobbish/selfish, so to speak), but she never seemingly really understood that...and now I am where I am now.

That's a very very good point. And a pure example of a person who isn't grateful. I tell my husband I am a princess all the time, it's our standing joke, but I hardly act like one. Well okay I do but only about trash. That's a disgusting job and I happily shove it off on him, ewwie, but I DO laundry and cook and clean. He can clear the rubbish and do it with a smile. I am a princess. :p Anyhow...

You seem to have a pretty logical grasp on the demise of your relationship. That's a giant step ahead of half the known single world. It's normal to feel weird and question every aspect of what went wrong right now. Where you are, in the present, doesn't sound like a bad place to be at all. I just hope that you use the experience to recognize the telling signs in the future women you date. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want or being ambitious as a woman, but there's a line to be drawn between hellish diva and strong female. Go for the latter, even if she can't cook, she will probably have a job and know some badass restaurants.

She didn't appreciate you because she was self motivated and blind. Everyone has issues, thank god she isn't your issue anymore.

I know what you mean bud trust me. I treated my Ex like an absolute queen there wasn't a damn thing I would not do for her and I was prepared to spend my life with her if she would have me and then bam... curtains credits roll and I feel like I wasted three years. However reading some of your posts I don't think you have a problem really I don't it sounds to me like you know exactly how you were treated and how badly you were taken for granted. You my friend as it has been said by others here are well on your way to healing and moving on. This girl (NO OFFENCE!) sounded like poison and did not under any illusion or anything else deserve an individual of your caliber! You sound like a bang up guy chivalrous and honorable without spite remorse and utterly selfless! This girl while I'm sure she was nice was too mean for lack of a better term to deserve you.