Hi all, my boyfriend of one year and 6 months and I are at the moment in a long distance relationship.
We have been doing long distance for 2 months now, and it will continue on for another 6 months before we can permanently live together. That day will be the happiest day of my life :) Right now however, I can't seem to shake insecurities out of my system. I will start by saying that my boyfriend has never hurt me nor lies to me at all in our relationship. However, my boyfriend is extremely gorgeous and he is a very social person. He has always been this way and it was never a problem when we were next to each other he would take me everywhere with him. Now that we are oceans apart, I can’t help but worry. I am not worried that he will cheat on me, for I know him better than that and I know that if one is to cheat they will cheat even if you are living together. I am not really sure what I worry about but I have my head in the clouds most days when I think about what my boyfriend is doing there without me. Just knowing he’s there without me, and going out with his friends to clubs/bars/parties makes me anxious. Cheating is not a factor because its something I cannot control, but I just get uncomfortable whenever he tells me he has plans coming up this weekend and he won't be able to webcam chat with me or he’s going to go out with buddies and probably will spend the night at their house because he lives an hour away from the main city. I trust him that he will never hurt me, he’s told me that countless times. I just am so jealous that I can’t be next to him. He keeps constant contact with me and we webcam chat everyday except when he has plans to go out with his friends, which is not on a regular basis. Also he has 3 weeks off work coming up so I know he will have plans with his guys and guys night out and such…I doubt he will just be at home all 3 weeks I mean he’s on vacation he’s worked hard all year he deserves to have fun right? I go out too with my girlfriends and he completely understands. He doesn’t feel worry or insecure at all. So what is wrong with me?

This situation is normal right? Just because you are in a LDR doesn't mean other person has to stop his life for you until you come back right? When I am back in his arms everything will be back to normal. But for now I feel so nervous and I hate this feeling. And girls, do you have problems or worries when you boyfriend hangs out with his guys and have guys night out etc?

It's okay to feel the way you feel. It's human.

However, I do have to ask what are you doing? Are you also going out with your friends? Do you socialize as well? If not I suggest you do.

I believe that your spending too much time thinking about your boyfriend- get busy! Go out too! If you have a passion consume yourself in that too. Work out. Go volunteer at an animal shelter and help walk the dogs.

If he hasn't given you a reason to doubt him then don't worry- easier said than done but these ugly thoughts could ruin your relationship.. even terminate it.

Be positive. Stay positive.

Sarah

You're pretty nervous. Yes, it's normal but you are really cooking. So, make the effort to clam yourself down. This is a good chance to learn how to let go of an emotional pattern that you don't need.

Read any book that attracts you by Byron Katie: Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

Take a yoga class, or tai chi, or just practice getting quiet inside. Let him feel peace when he talks with you.

Tao

It's normal to feel some insecurities in a long distance relationship. However, I think I can narrow down your problem. You already said that you trust him, so you don't worry about that part.

However, while he's out having fun with his buddies, you're at home. Instead, you should be out having fun with your buddies too. That way, you won't feel like it's uneven. While he's out having fun, you should be enjoying yourself too!

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Hi all, I have always been curious about whether being intoxicated really affect one's decision to cheat on their S.O
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he has never cheated on me or done any hurtful things to me in any way. He goes out with his buddies often and is a social drinker. In his past he was a bartender and a DJ for clubs and he used to drink a lot back then…he was never an alcoholic though. That being said, my boyfriend told me that no matter how much he drinks or how drunk he gets, it would never be like he would lose control and not know what goes on. That if he is to cheat, doesn't matter how drunk he was, it would not be the fault of the alcohol. It would be in fact the his conscious decision to cheat. He also stated that most people merely used alcohol and being intoxicated as an excuse for cheating.

I've seen many posts on here about guys and girls saying their partners cheated while they were hammered and had they been sober they would not have cheated. These people seem to really believe that cheating and alcohol can possibly relate. So I'm left wondering if my boyfriend is really right about what he said? Or can you really be so drunk that you had no idea you had sex with someone else other than your S.O?

It doesn't make them more likely to cheat but if it is in them to cheat in the first place it is a prime excuse they like to use for cheating because alcohol can make you less inhabited.
They say that often you can tell what a person really thinks when they get drunk and start running their mouth. Same with cheating if they are not the cheating type and do not have it in their heart to cheat they generally will not cheat if they are drunk.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

It doesn't make them more likely to cheat but if it is in them to cheat in the first place it is a prime excuse they like to use for cheating because alcohol can make you less inhabited.
They say that often you can tell what a person really thinks when they get drunk and start running their mouth. Same with cheating if they are not the cheating type and do not have it in their heart to cheat they generally will not cheat if they are drunk.

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Thanks for your reply, I completely agree with you. I guess I just wanted someone's views on this other than my boyfriend :)

I think one of the things that alcohol does is relax inhibitions and diminish the fear of consequences.

So for example, if you're drunk at a party and a hot guy makes a move - you might be more likely to respond if you're drunk, attracted to him, flattered by his attention - even thought you're attached. The lizard brain takes over and you're in the moment going for it without thinking of what might happen the next day.

For some of us the lizard brain takes over easily - for a range of reasons. It might not be that we are inherently dishonest, we just don't have the capacity to control our impulses or deep down we don't operate with the same sense of integrity as others.

I also agree with NoHelp4U though, when people are drunk they are very often demonstrating the person within. The nasty drunk or the angry drunk are often nasty and angry deep down. Alcohol gives them the excuse to vent because they don't have to think of the consequences in that moment - same goes with cheating.

Truthfully I think that the excuse of being drunk is a load of bull... you still know what you are doing... think of it this way, if you were drunk would you use it as an excuse to cheat? I don't know about you but I wouldn't and I don't, I've had offers but refused... if they are going to cheat they're going to cheat whether alcohol is involved or not

Being drunk is a huge cop out, you made a decision to first drink the alcohol, then second to continue drinking to the point where you are drunk and then finally decide to hook up with someone else.

I've been WAY past the point of being blitzed, I mean really bad at a bar for my cousin's 21st(before my fiancé and I were an item, simply talking) and I had 2 girls keep buying me drinks and hitting on me. Once I was finally at the point where I was gone, one asked me for my number and I told her I was involved with someone.

What it boils down to is morals, you either have them or you don't. Most people do, some would rather use alcohol than admit they screwed up.

A lot of people blame it on the alcohol when they make poor decisions - hey, there's even a song about it! Somehow they feel this exonerates them from taking ownership of their actions. In the real world it doesn't excuse the behavior.

An inebriated state of mind gives people the nerve to do things they already wanted to do. As the others have said, if cheating is not in the mind of the person drinking in the first place, he/she won't do so just because they've had a few.

All that being said, your boyfriend sounds like a keeper because he knows boundaries.

Alcohol does lower your guard sort of speak. I once got drunk and started to makeout with a man at a club - whereas I would never do that if not drunk. So, I know based on that experience of mine, yes absolutely, it does lower your inhibition.

Being drunk is a weak excuse for bad behavior. While it lowers inhibitions, and clouds judgment, Its still a lousy excuse, and really no excuse, to be honest.

Take it from an ex-drunk, alcohol won't make you cheat, unless thats what you want to do.

If you can't handle the consequences of drinking, and take responsibility for all your actions, don't drink. That simple.

I agree with your boyfriend. If someone really gets so drunk that they have no idea they had sex with someone else other than their S.O then they have far bigger problems than cheating to worry about. As it is, why would someone who has the fulfillment of an S.O. in their life even resort to consuming so much alcohol that they literally lose control? When that happens then there are obviously other issues going on

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Hi everyone,

I've lived with the love of my life for 1.5 years and right now we are in a LDR relationship. We have passed 2 months apart I am back in California and he is in Spain so we have a 9 hour time difference. We always make time for one another despite of our busy schedules - I am taking classes in the university as well as working part time and he has a full time job... we managed to still be able to webcam chat on skype every night for at least 1.5 hours (right before he goes to sleep which is in the afternoon for me) and right before I go to sleep he would call me from his office when he is at work to quickly wish me a good night and sweet dreams. He would email me at least twice a day and I'd email him just as much if not more. The only times we don't webcam chat would be if one day he goes out with his friends but he would always advises me first. It has been like that everday of the last 2 months that I've been back to CA.

Lately he's been only "replying" to my emails instead of emailing me on his own and it makes me a little anxious thinking maybe he's love me less or getting bored of our LDR. He still chats with me everyday and I still receive the good night phone calls but the emails have been a lot less - His attitude hasn't change though, he is still super sweet to me. I did ask him about the emails and how he only replies now instead of initiating them and he told me that just because he doesn't email me as much , does not mean he doesn't love me or miss me. In fact he misses me more than I can imagine but he just gets tired of emailing - he prefers to only email me when he really need to tell me something - he is running out of things to say in the emails and how it takes him so long to try to write me one now that he gets tired of it- he prefers to webcam chat (talk) to me instead. I think it makes sense, sometimes I myself gets tired of emailing too where I would run out of things to say too so I just explain how much love I feel for him over and over and how he means the world to me. I think he doesn't want to repeat himself with telling me how much he loves me and would rather show me through actions.

So nothing seems to be wrong- by Feb 2010 I will be back in Spain and into his arms. Yet the last couple of nights I had these horrible dreams that I would lose him to someone else - and today is my day off so I took a nap and I had the same dream recurring. He has done nothing wrong to me so I don't know why I have these dreams - I think they are just my fears from deep within me and they invade my sleep, and I'd wake up so tired and out of it. I would wake up without any energy and motivation and I even skipped lunch today because I felt sick and didn't feel like eating. I think this is related to our discussion a couple days ago about friendships with the opposite sex. We agreed that we can be friends with the opposite sex and not ever do anything that crosses the line and hurt one another (although I do not have any male friends - only females. My boyfriend however is much more social and outgoing than I am.) We agreed that as long as we go out in groups of males and females then it is fine, but absolultely no alone time because I don't want to feel like he's on a date with someone else while I'm so far away and vice versa. He promised me that there would be no alone times with his female friends and everything was perfect so we ended the discussion - I just really hope that he keeps his word. I'm so scared that I'll lose him one day to someone else that is nicer, prettier, smarter, more outgoing, better than me. I know in life nothing is every 100% guaranteed and he is just too good to be true.


I just want to be clear headed and happy- I'm with someone whom I love so much and he loves me back just as much if not more - I should be so happy and enjoying this - but I am not and I really want to get rid of my fears... please advice me if you can thank you so much.

It can be one of two things
A premonition dream warning you

OR
Subconscious worries reflecting in your dreams.

It is now 5:45 am and I just woke up from the worse nightmare yet

It was so real, in complete details... I woke up in tears, with night sweats and my heart was racing because I still felt the betrayal and the hurt from when I was sleeping.

I think it has a bit to do with me reading so much of this stuff that is being happened to people here on LS that somehow that got incorporated into my brain.

In my nightmare he explained to me how he has contacted a female friend of his through email asking about stuff regarding cybersex and she only replied with the answer of his question - when I saw her reply in his email. My boyfriend does give me contact to his email info so sometimes I can't help but check it to make sure that I'm not going to get hurt I've been dealing with trust issues for a long time (my own problem not his) and just lately I'm starting to get better - until the nightmares start to happen.
Well in my nightmare supposedly I was trusting him already 100% - yet ironically I was still checking his email hence I found the reply from the female friend.. but I did not worry much about it and completely took his word, trusted him that it was merely a question and not a request.

Long story short somehow I stumbled across the truth that he was actually having cyber sex with this friend of his and I confronted him - he then explained that he thought he already explained to me - and explained to me in more explicit details of the stuff they do together - all the while making me feel like it was normal for what he is doing and that it is me that is being insecure and anxious for nothing. I felt so much hurt, and to make matter worse as he was describing what he did with that woman, I see it clearly in my nightmare - and I couldn't wake up from it- it was a very long nightmare that started just as I closed my eyes until I woke up crying - so it was at least 5 hours worth. Either he is really manipulating me or my head has so much crap in it that I can't even distinguish the difference between reality and dreams.
Im really worried and I think I will tell my boyfriend about all of this when we chat later - I'm scared I will upset him. He has done nothing wrong to me for me to ever doubt him like this.

That dream could mean many things
I really don't think you will know without going through with continuing the relationship. Like he could easily be deleting stuff from his email and you just haven't caught it before him.
He could be someone that would think nothing of having an affair and the dream could be warning you that he is capable but hasn't yet.

Mostly all your dreams add up to so far is your fears. Until you have some tangible proof there isn't anything you can 'accuse' him of.