Like a lot of people in the world I just had my girlfriend break up with me after about 17 months of a great great relationship. We never really got mad at each other or got in fights, if there was something wrong we would just talk about it and in minutes everything was perfect. She said she doesn't know what is going on in her life and that is true, she is confusd about a lot of things, and a lot of things are changing for her. THat was the best answer she would give me and I don't know what that even really means. Days before she broke up was completely depressed and scared because she was scared of life without me. I am going off to college and she has one more year of high school but that was never a problem and to this day she hasn't even hinted at it as being a problem. Ever since she brokeup she has been acting different and many many people have asked me about it and I don't have an answer. She told me she wants to still be best friends but that in the future she would still want to date me. So after three weeks we still talked a little bit and we both are pretty depressed, but I haven't seen her this depressed ever. And last week on Monday was the last time I talked to her until Friday, and she started texting me and saying how much she misses our relationship and wants to be able to act the same way and say the things she used to to me but still doesn't know what to do. I am so confused and don't know how to handle this. She basically told me she misses it but is too confused to do anything about it and she has gotten more and more depressed as the month went on. What do I do?

Sounds to me like the reality of your going away to college is starting to be real to her and she is starting to worry what it will be like with you so far away. She probably wants to be with you but doesn't want to deal with saying bye when you leave and then your being so far away yet doesn't want to be broke up with you. So she feels confused

I guess that is partly true, and maybe she doesn't realize that is what might be causing her to feel this way. She always talked about visiting me a lot when I went and to this day she still wants to go to a school really close to mine. I just don't know what to do, because I feel horrible about this still and want her back, and she shows me signs of it too, but how do I do anything. She talked about it once but wanted more time to think about it a few days ago. The night after we talked about her missing it she asked me out for lunch the next day. We went to the mall for a while and while we were there she acted how she used to except the kissing or holding hands part. She walked close to me, practically bumping in to me the whole time and had physical contact a lot, even when we sat down. And when I dropped her off we hugged for a long time and she said that makes me feel better, or something along those lines. So I am just confused and want it back because I know we will both feel better and live healthier if we dated again. She has been the one contacting me everyday since she said she missed me. Should I almost repsond less often so she feels that way again? Because she felt that way when we didn't talk for a few days. Idk what to do haha.:eek:

She has to go through all that. Breaking up is a way for her to feel some sense of control in a situation she can't control. Don't try to solve it for her. Let her learn how to manage her confusion and sense of loss. Just be gentle support; listen to her and understand her without trying to fix things. She sounds pretty resourceful and will get through this.

Tao

I think you two are both correct, or at least make a whole lot of sense. I never really thought about it that way because she never mentioned any reason of it being that I am going to college. Obviously there were times where she would get really sad about it in the last few months (about me leaving) but was positive about the fact that she would visit me a ton and we would still talk all the time and get webcams and all. And when we didn't talk for a while was when she got the most upset and missed it. I was talking with her that day she got really depressed a few days ago and got to the point where she didn't want to talk to anyone, but then at night she called me up because she was scared of herself basically. I just hope she doesn't find anyone she likes more because I would just get jealous haha. But it makes perfect sense that the separation is making anxious and that might explain why she broke up. Because it was out of the blue and earlier that day I didn't hear her say I love you when I hung up and she texted me asking why I didn't say I love you back but things like that make it confusing as why she did in fact break up. But hopefully she figures it out and I'm going to try to support her the way I have been but to let her come to me first, like I have this week. Crossing my fingers that she feels better.

I agree with everyone else that it sounds like the idea of the changes that are coming are making her anxious, and perhaps she feels that if she breaks up with you it will be easier for both of you.

The mind works in strange ways and she may be scared that you'll be less interested in her once you're in College and she figures she doesn't want to go through that.

However, if she does want to break up then she can't be contacting you every day. Maybe you should ask her what she wants to do and explain that it's causing you pain as well. Ask her not to contact you for a couple of days so that she can figure out what she's thinking and feeling.

The only thing that you can do is let her go through whatever she has to in this situation - you can't control her confusion or her anxiety, but you can control how you react to it.

Okay. I know. But do you think I should stop responding to her? I mean besides if I know she is in a really bad and unstable state of mind I will, but if she is just saying hey what's up? Or stuff like that should I just ignore it? Because I want her back so bad, and it would be healthier for both of us because we still are going to miss each other the same, do you think that almost ignoring her to a point would do anything. Because she had the strongest feelings towards me when we didn't talk at all for like 3 days. You know?

If you keep responding then she has her cake and eat it too and has no reason to miss you and consider getting back with you.
You don't have time to get over her because you'll always be wondering when is the next time she will call, will the next call be her saying I do want you back, will..

I know but I don't really want to get over her, I do want her back. But how long do I go without responding to her. What if one time I ignore her and she was going to try to get back and I turn her off by not being there. But she can't seem to stop tryhing to contact me at least once a day.

The past two nights she has contacted me after I fell asleep. The yesterday morning I texted her telling her call me so I know everything is all right, just because she's been unstable lately, and she responded saying I just wanted to talk.? And then last night at three in the morning she called me. I haven't responded to that yet but why is she doing that? What does she want? She is confusing the crap out of me. I'm not going to initiate contact this time but I have no idea why she is doing that.

Maybe she is starting to realize that she really did a dumb thing and sorry she broke up?

We what should I do about it? Should I call her up and ask her why she called me this morning at three?

I'd wait until she calls again and see what she wants. I don't think calling her is a good idea.
... and, me, I'd tell her please don't call me at 3 am.

Okay, I think it is a good idea to wait also. I honestly don't care if she calls whenever, it just is really confusing to me though that she is acting like this.

Often even the one that breaks up will still have feelings that strike them every now and then. Then they get sad having the memories and have an urge to call and hear your voice.
Even though she did the breaking up she most likely is going through a grieving process too.

I know, and she talked to me the last time she felt that way. She didn't contact me yesterday for once in about a week. I still haven't tried contacting her. Hopefully she comes around soon and stuff... But I'm not showing her that I'm craving her attention or anytthing at all.

Okay, there is a little bit of an update. Last night we talked for a while, just text messaging for a majority of the night. Not really anything serious but just joking around and texting really. So that was pretty nice to have. And then this morning she asked if I would want to get some lunch together, so I said yeah and we went out to lunch. She still wanted to hang out so we went to the mall for a few hours and she acted really flirty and touchy again. For example when I was looking at something she would come up from behind me and kind of lay her head on my shoulder, she did this more than once. Other times she would joke around and push me and things of that nature. Now it is just confusing and I don't know how to react to it. Furthermore, when we were in my car she kept playing songs that had lyrics that were almost what she seems to be feeling, but wouldn't say it out loud. I don't know how to explain them but they were things about relationships or how someone misses someone and things like that. I might be picking up wrong hints but do you think this means anything? The flirting and touching and lyrics? And I feel a whole heck of a lot happier that I got to see her today.

... It almost seemed like she feels a certain way and her actions are speaking for them but doesn't know if she can just say them straightup to me. Espcecailly when she picks songs that seem like how she is acting and then switches it to another song when a part of the lyrics is over that she wanted to play.

You two are so in love.She obviously has issues with you leaving or some deep personal problems that she can't share. But I believe it is the fear of losing you that is slowly eating her away. I think you should schedule some time to talk and tell her exactly what you think and are feeling. Ask if your moving to college has somehow influenced her behavious. Making her believe that you would never hurt her is important. Once she gets the slight idea that college- and not her- is going to take center stage in your life, she will become distant and closed up

I probably need to talk to her about that in person then. I have told her before that I miss her and she said that before to and she knows how I feel for the most part. SHe just hasn't been as open about her feelings because she probably thinks she is making a decision if she tells me the truth. Hopefully it isn't too late. But every time I see her she is acting more like she used to with me.