Hi,
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 and a half years. Our relationship is good, apart from in the bedroom department. I know that I don't satisfy my partner sexually. I have tried and tried, but I am still totally useless in bed. I have very little self confidence, when I look in the mirror at my naked body I do not like what I see, so why would anybody else want to see it? My partner doesn't understand this lack of confidence he tries to experiment with new things, but it just doesn't work. I never feel totally relaxed enough to enjoy myself, I'm always aware that my partner is not enjoying himself, or that I am not making enough noise or moving enough (his most popular complaints). It has got to the stage now where I don't want sexual intercourse anymore because its just such a let down for us both. He like's to watch adult films, which make me feel even more insecure about myself, knowing that I will never be like the girls in the films. Is it possible to simply be 'rubbish in bed', like some people are 'rubbish at spelling'? I am 30 years old and have never been sexually abused, Any advice at all would be appreciated as I really am at the end of my wits with all this now, Its really really bringing me down I feel totally useless. All I want is to be able to satisfy my partner sexually, somehow I don't think it is possible, I don't think I have the ability to satisfy anybody.
Please help - I'm desperate X

Sex is over-rated
If I was to address your post I would say to you that even though 2 and a half years feels like a long time it really isn't.lots of couples go through hot and cold spells when it comes to the bedroom.
I see two separate issues the priority being
How you feel about yourself,once you address this issue the other will take care of itself.

The first thing you should try is getting comfortable with your body. You need to be able to relax and that's a great way to start. I'd say get a personal use toy from an adult store and try using it alone a couple of times, and see if you can allow yourself to really enjoy it. It's okay to be shy, but you should at least be able to enjoy yourself. Once you can enjoy yourself then he can enjoy you too.

You could also try reading a few books about female sexuality. That might help you have a more informed understanding. Though from what you are saying it sounds like your man hasn't exactly gone above and beyond to try and get you to let loose, he's just complained. Maybe a book for the both of you could help you get past a few of those inhibitions, and he could help you, which might be a giant turn on for him.

As for the porn, honey, I make noises like that at my husband purely to make fun of porn and we both laugh. It's not real, it's all for show. Like swallowing a sword, I don't think the guy who demonstrates it actually has sword for dinner later on. The sooner you understand that the better, it's not anything to feel embarrassed about, nor should it make you feel like less of a woman.

I honestly believe that you first need to learn how to satisfy yourself and to nurture yourself.

None of us are perfect and most of us look in the mirror and see imperfections that we'd like to change. These imperfections are not us - we are the entity inside this 'imperfect body' and we can choose how to view ourselves.

Why are you so negative about yourself and why do you blame your body for your attitude towards sex? Your body is not to blame - it keeps you alive, it warms you, it's healthy (I assume). This may sound absurd (and I apologize if it does), but you need to thank and respect your body for this instead of demeaning it.

I think that you also separate sex in your mind as something that your body does and something that you have to do to satisfy your partner. So your critical self sits by the side of the bed going - you're not good enough, you're not good enough.

Sex is so much more than this! Learning to accept yourself and enjoy sex are the first steps.

I think that you would really benefit from speaking to a counselor - so that you can explore this paralyzing lack of self confidence, your negative attitude towards your body and your inability to enjoy sex. I think that if you can learn to feel pleasure on your own you could then transfer this to having sex with your partner and stop being the critical bystander every time you do it.

Make your thirties a time of learning and exploration and stop being so hard on yourself!

How would I go about finding a counselor to talk to? I find the whole situation really embarrassing, can't even talk to my partner about it, let alone anybody else! X

My mother keeps saying this:Love yourself.If you can't do that,you can't love anybody.And I really try to stick to that.Loving oneself means being in a place where one is literally on top of the world,in complete joy and so much happier.

This happiness translates to being irresistible,charming,funny,sexy and very desirable.Its almost like being a magnet,where everybody wants to be around you and throws themselves at you.Isnt that what being sexy is all about?

Watching porn,making noises,etc,all that you have mentioned are but traits associated with sex,but the basic act is about sharing onself with one's partner in the most primal,most intimate way,isn't it?

Your issue seems to be with yourself,your mind more than your body.Like Gemini said,its almost like you are judging your own performance,keeping score,then reprimanding yourself severely for not "performing".

I have a friend of mine,who's like a ray of sunshine in my life.She's plump(unabashedly so,though to give her credit,she DOES make attempts at losing weight but fails miserably because she just loves food and can't keep away from sweets:))and short but she's one helluva gal.Positive,confident,spirited,she's totally in love with herself(if you know what I mean)--its as if she can get underneath any man's skin in a jiffy.And all without having to drop her clothes or baring her cleavage:)

Relax,discover yourself,your truest self that is,don't see yourself through the world's eyes,see yourself as a mother to yourself,who can only love her child,in all situations.Be happy and irresistible and the world will be yours:)

All the best.

From a guys viewpoint we have this joke
"willing beats purtty anyday" having said that
Your putting too much emphasis on looks and performance,when and I think hubby would agree just being available and willing would
Please him for now.after addressing some of these personal issues GEM was talking about you will come out fine.ive never complained about performance only when I'm not getting any.

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Originally Posted by sad79

How would I go about finding a councellor to talk to? I find the whole situation really embarrasing, can't even talk to my partner about it, let alone anybody else! X

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Well, you must talk to someone about it! I can't advise you on HOW to find a counselor - surely there must be health and other assistance services where you live?

Also, talk to your partner! Time to start living in reality and not denial - share this with him - you may find that just talking about it will help. You've taken the first step by writing to this forum, now take the second step.

I agree, try talking to your p about this. It could be good for both of you. As for counseling, you should be able to Google adult counseling in your area and call and speak to someone about if this is something they can help you with.