My missus of 7 years seems to think sex only involves me doing everything and she doesn't have to do anything,The only sexual contact I get is me touching her never ever the other way round and when I try to talk to her about it I get called a pervert. THe only hand that's touched me sexually in years is mine and oral is a thing of distant memory with other women, &yeasr is a long time to put up with getting nothing The very few times we do have sex I might as well be poking a HOLE IN THE MATTRESS and then to top it off iI get abuse for being rubbish! No bloody wonder There's nothing in it for me. Wake up women effort goes both ways
She's also told me I'm THE ONE and that I'm the only partner she's had that she doesn't do these things with. Lucky bloody me if that's what being THE ONE means then send me back to single land where at least I might get laid more than once every couple of months (if I'm lucky) and it might actually involve more than just me!
How long does it take for someone to realise that there own inactions are driving their partner away!
And before you say talk to her about it that just gets her angry and starts the name calling.

Tell her to sit down and not say a word until you are finished. I have a feeling she is not even listening to how hurt you are.

Have you tried communicating other ways? Write a letter, or talk on the phone rather than face to face?

As far as that goes, though---if you can't TALK about sex with your partner, there's something seriously wrong with your relationship.

I recommend couples counseling---or just walking away. You can't change HER--only your reactions to her.

Did they use to do these things,

You post sounds angry, and well you may be. However, I suspect that both of you need to listen to each other because there seems to be anger on both sides.

Your wife probably feels defensive because she knows you're angry and then retreats into her shell where you can't touch her - in any way.

Do you care about the marriage? Do you care about the relationship?

If you do, then talking is a must. I agree that I think a letter is a good idea. Let her know that you love her and want to be connected to her but that you feel rejected and unloved. Ask HER how much the marriage and the relationship mean to her.

Marriage and sex are a two way street, and she can't just ignore your feelings and needs. You may have to ask her what her feelings and needs are to get to the bottom of the situation.

Have you thought about going to counseling on your own? A counselor may be able to help you deal with some of your anger, so that you can talk to her without her getting defensive and angry. It may then be that you both have to go so that you can sort through your issues.

Cheers but none of that will help as she's of the opinion there's nothing wrong with her and I'm just a pervert for wanting anything. 7 years is along time!

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Originally Posted by sifty

cheers but none of that will help as she's of the opinion there's nothing wrong with her and I'm just a pervert for wantin anything. 7 years is along time!

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I think it boils down to how important the relationship is to her. It sounds like a make-or-break issue to me.

You do need to talk to her - what's the point of expecting change if you don't talk?

Ask her if the relationship is important, and if you are important to her. If it isn't then you have your answer - 7 years is along time and it's time to move on.

By the way, why would she call you a pervert? Has anything happened in her past like abuse or molestation?

First, yes you are 100% right effort does go both ways, But any one that has their partners pleasure in mind and not just their own knows this.

Second , How did you come across the info about her doing these things that she don't do with you to other people?

Third, It sounds like when you guys are together your not getting any pleasure and you said its like having sex with a hole in a mattress so it sounds like she is not enjoying herself either.

If all she does is get mad and call you names then maybe you two should see what if anything do you have together?and consider a counselor to see if what you have can be salvaged? Or call it quits .

You don't sound happy and she seems only to be happy as long as you don't call her behavior into question, which is no way to behave!

I wish you luck.

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Originally Posted by sifty

cheers but none of that will help as she's of the opinion there's nothing wrong with her and I'm just a pervert for wantin anything. 7 years is along time!

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That's why counseling is advised... and if that and all else fails... then serving her with divorce papers might wake her up to the severity of the issue. But only do that if you are serious.


I've been married 17 years... And I NEVER had to put up with that sort of thing. You are married... assuming you both are willing to put some effort into it, there is no reason you should have to deal with that.

I admit I do the "starfish" on occasion and just lay there while he has his way with me but he does the same to me...
It should not be happening all the time.

Have you tried doing something out of the ordinary?

Start taking her out for candle light dinners, or picnics in the park, with no intention of sex at all.
Hopefully she will notice these nice gestures as a show of love, not just wanting sex all the time (which I believe is how she sees it)

Couples counseling is a great idea but there are a few things you can do to start with to show her that you need it.

If you show her the gestures of love and still get no intimacy from her (with her initiating) then that is a good time to bring it up. You can say that you have tried to show her romantic gestures to show how much you love her but you still feel as though she does not want to be intimate which is a problem.

Have you considered that something may be going on with her? Could she be depressed? You don't sound like you pay much attention to what she wants. It sounds lke your more focused on YOU. Could this be the issue? I know from first hand experience that if a man starts to only think of himself, of course she isn't going to want to do ANYTHING with him, and yes it will make her angry for you to talk to her about YOUR needs, when HERS aren't being met.

Women need a different kind of attention. Some women do not get affectionate from sexual attention. Have you considered doing something nice for her? Bring her flowers? Make her dinner? Clean the house?

Step back and think long and hard about whether your putting yourself first and not paying any attention to what she wants. She isn't going to want the same things you will.


I suggest you get a book called 'THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES' (accually, never mind the book, its online as well, so don't spend the money when you don't have to. Here... Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages: The 30 Second Assessment )

It has a questionair for both of you to take, and it will break down and explain your different love language.

My husband is like you, very very touchy feely. He doesn't feel loved unless he is being touched or sexual.

However MINE is words of affermation and acts of service. In other words, I prefer he TELL me that he loves me, and apreciates what I do for him. And I LOVE it when he does my chores for me.

Do you see my point?

Good luck hon.