Can't Get Ex Out of My Mind
Hi Everyone,
I don't think I've ever used one of these sites. I’m in pretty dire straits right now. My ex and I had a very powerful relationship. We dated for about 8 months and it was nothing short of passionate and loving. She loved me with all her heart and I did too although I didn’t show it as much. I have to admit sometimes I was scared of what it could mean because maybe I wasn’t ready to settle down totally. But after losing her my world was destroyed. The one kicker was that we fought a lot, but with that said we were making strides and things were getting better. Her and I were very alike but our love was very deep and strong, and there was no doubt of that.
At the beginning of this summer, we got in a fight and it perpetuated for several days, despite her pleading with me to drop it. My pigheadedness stemmed from me always dropping things when she does something and her never dropping things when I do. I wanted to make a stand for once because I was becoming the bad guy in the relationship and I didn’t want to be anymore. In hindsight this was very stupid of me but it’s the past and I can’t change it. Push came to shove and she broke up with me, only to beg me to take her back about a day later. We started to patch things up and professed how much we loved one another and needed one another. We took the weekend to think things over and agreed that we needed to talk to finalize working things out. Monday rolls around and she said she wanted me to know that breaking up with me isn’t how she operates but something had to change. I got mad at this because it should never be used as a tool. I told her I needed time to clear my head and decide what I wanted to do but that I did want to work things out. Part of me wanted her to basically beg me to take her back, thinking she would because she loved me so much. Well that begging never came and about a week later I gave in and called her and told her I was ready to talk, which I was because I had thought about things. Well I waited too long. She told me that she had time to think and decided things couldn’t work and that I wasn’t in it for her the way she was in it for me. At first I was like OK whatever come get your stuff and lets be done with it.
Then the reality of the situation sunk in and I called her crying and a total mess. I almost got her to come over where I knew we could hash it out but I fell asleep and she never came in. She told me that maybe me falling asleep was meant to be but it wasn’t, I was mentally and physically exhausted. So I'm a mess the next few days and she keeps calling me to “see if im ok” and if I need anything but the one thing I needed was her and for her to come over and she wouldn’t do it, maybe because she knew what it would spell. We talked all night and she said she loved me and I was her best friend and she needed me in her life, but couldn’t be with me anymore. She still wanted to do many of the things we planned on before. I couldn’t be her friend though, it would hurt too much. Even if in truth that was my way back in. Eventually I told her that I couldn’t continue to do this and hung up. From that point on she called me 6 times and left 3 voicemails, all saying she is “checking to see if I was ok” and “she wished I would just call her back”. I started to feel a false sense of betterment and decided to call her a few days later. She mildly guilted me for not calling her but I said I needed to get better and couldn’t keep doing that. At this time I was sick and asked if I needed anything. She came over that night and brought me Nyquil, kissed me on the cheek and asked me to call her before I went to sleep. The love in the air seemed palpable but I didn’t say anything about how I felt. Maybe I should have. I was sick for the next few days and she checked on me the following one.
The day after we texted a little and I decided I was feeling better a little. I wanted her to come over to get her stuff from my apt and that would be my chance to pour my heart in person and get her back. She couldn’t say when she was going to come get it and I decided I couldn’t wait. I went over to her place although my gut told me not to, and poured my heart out. I was sick and a mess. I cried like a child and one moment she would kneel and hug and kiss me and the next she would lecture me for all the problems in our relationship as she perceived them. I told her to call me when she wasn’t mad anymore and she said no because then she will be indifferent, whatever that means. Eventually I felt like I made a breakthrough, as she began to hold my hand and exhibit some real sympathy, but it ultimately got me nowhere. I know it was dumb because girls don’t want needy guys but this was my GIRL and of all people I could pour my heart out too, I thought it was her even if she hadn’t seen it often from me. Eventually she had to go and said that maybe we could get drinks and talk. I didn’t respond. I told her to call me later. She did, no change. I volunteered to give her a gesture of my commitment to her and begged her for a second chance, as I had been doing. She didn’t want me to make that gesture, which was a sacrifice of something very special to me and something she didn’t particularly like. I knew id have to do it anyway and did, even if she said not to. She texted me the next day to see how I was feeling, and I told her I was sad and sorry for the day before. She said I didn’t have to be and should I feel like I still can come over. I told her I was going to stop calling her when I was upset, and she said to call her when I want to talk.
The next few days were living hell. I didn’t sleep or eat, and when I slept I had total nightmares. I went to visit a friend who had been through this to get some words of wisdom. I talked to his girl that he got back and she agreed that it was clear she still loved me and gave me advice to try to meet with her. With that I called her and she called me back sounding excited to speak to me. I said I wanted to get a drink as she had mentioned and she said yes enthusiastically. It hurt that I had to go through this with a girl I could see anytime any place only weeks earlier, but it was there. We planned for the day after, but then later she texted me asking if we could push it back a few days because she had plans. I reluctantly agreed but wondered if this was a stall and knew if I heard from her too soon it could only mean one thing. Well the day before we were going to meet rolls around and she texts me asking to call her. My heart sunk knowing what it meant. I called and she said it was too soon and she didn’t want to give me the wrong idea. Things were too raw and she didn’t think I could be so upset one day and then a week later be fine. Well the truth was that I wasn’t, but I felt strong enough to hold it together and have an easy night and not put any pressure on her. She said that she’d still like to see me but maybe it needed time and when she got back from her trip. She went on this trip alone and maybe it gave her time to think. Who knows. But I reluctantly agreed and told her that maybe id send her pics from my trip and she’d send me emails from hers.
The following days she was in the same beach town I was for the 4th of July. Apparently she was asking my friends about me a lot and what I was doing and how I was. I also heard that she wasn’t in the best spirits. We haven’t spoken since that call to cancel our meet up. This was almost 4 weeks ago. She got back from her trip last week. She hasn’t called and while we haven’t established who would call who there has been no contact. Not calling her has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought I was getting better, but in truth for the last few days I have sunken into a deep state of depression and am not even myself anymore. I can't even consider speaking to her until I get out of this and that’s the worst part. Its like a vicious cycle. All I know is I need her back. I love her with all my heart and I don’t know what to do. I am considering calling her and maybe that’s not standard protocol after her breaking up with me. But how do I know she doent think I've moved on? My FB page is littered with pics with me and other girls but its all a façade. All I think about is her 24-7. I can't eat and can barely sleep. Im so in love and miserable. And I want to believe that maybe she is feeling the same way since I always felt that her love was stronger than mine, which is saying something since I love her so much. I don’t know what to do. I’m dying slowly each day. I can barely work, and can't concentrate on anything. I don’t want to push people away or screw up my job because of this but its just destroying me inside. Its not supposed to be this way.
Hopefully someone has words of wisdom on this. Sorry for the novel.
