My wife recently left me on a Sunday while I was serving at our church. She filed for divorce on Tuesday and then for a domestic violence restraining order on Thursday. She was granted a TPO and there is a hearing set for August 5. In her statement she claims that I was abusive and she added and withheld information about the events that took place. She mentioned a mutual friend had been present during one of the arguments and he has agreed to be a witness on my behalf. I never laid a hand on my wife except during one incident where she became hostile and wouldn't leave the house. She ended up striking me in the chest and I pushed her. During another incident she tried to leave with our 1 year old son and when I tried to stop her she punched me in the face. I have witnesses to my injuries. She is obviously trying to gain custody of our son and I am deeply concerned. I only care about getting to see my son and to get some custody of him. I live in the state of California.

Yeah - you pushed her. The TPO will be upheld and might be extended indefinitely. There is no "except" in never. You either didn't or you did and you just admitted that you did. Keeping her from leaving the house is also spousal abuse.

Get a lawyer and get one today. This will work against you heavily in the custody hearings.

I would do nothing without an Attorney. In NY (where I am and I realize I'm not in California) you were BOTH guilty of domestic abuse. Here they take a hard stand if a husband or wife puts his/her hands on his/her partner, including pushing and restraining (keeping her from leaving the house).

Again - I would not go into this without an Attorney. She had enough to get a temporary order.

Your friend is willing to come to Court and testify?

You need to prove she is not telling both sides of the story. I think you should be able to have the ones that have witnessed her behavior to court on your behalf.
Do not communicate with her in any way for any reason. Get divorced and file for full custody but you will probably get joint and visitations.
How old is your son?

Judy is right she is equally guilty of abuse. Often Judges may not consider abuse against the spouse against custody issues--depending on the circumstances

My son is almost 2 years old. I don't care if she gets a restraining order or if there is a mutual no contact order. I just think that she is as abusive as I ever was and I don't want that to affect my ability to have joint custody of my son.

I know. You have to prove she is lying and go for the full or joint custody.

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Originally Posted by stevetcg

Yeah - you pushed her. The TPO will be upheld and might be extended indefinitely. There is no "except" in never. You either didnt or you did and you just admitted that you did. Keeping her from leaving the house is also spousal abuse.

Get a lawyer and get one today. This will work against you heavily in the custody hearings.

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I never tried to atop her from leaving I just didn't want her to leave with out son when she was angry. She did anyway after punching me in the face and then peeled out when she left.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I know. You have to prove she is lying and go for the full or joint custody.

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She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me. I can't believe that she will be able to get full custody based on a bunch of lies.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I would do nothing without an Attorney. In NY (where I am and I realize I'm not in California) you were BOTH guilty of domestic abuse. Here they take a hard stand if a husband or wife puts his/her hands on his/her partner, including pushing and restraining (keeping her from leaving the house).

Again - I would not go into this without an Attorney. She had enough to get a temporary order.

Your friend is willing to come to Court and testify?

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I have two witnesses that are willing to come to court and testify. She has broken contact with all of our mutual friends from church and all her other friends. I know she doesn't want to talk to them because she is lying about what happened. My lawyer said she could get a TPO easily because she filed it herself and the Judge has to go on the side of safety even with out talking to me. I'll get my day in court right!

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Originally Posted by morgan duncan

I have two witnesses that are willing to come to court and testify. She has broken contact with all of our mutual friends from church and all her other friends. I know she doesn't want to talk to them because she is lying about what happened. My lawyer said she could get a TPO easily because she filed it herself and the Judge has to go on the side of safety even with out talking to me. I'll get my day in court right!

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She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me. I can't believe that she will be able to get full custody based on a bunch of lies.

Her breaking contact with people is meaningless, at least in my State. The issue is going to whether you were abusive and, if so, when/where/how.

I have never seen character witnesses being brought in to such a Hearing. I have seen medical records and other records subpoenaed, of course.

Yes, you'll get your day in Court. I'm sure you realize that you must bring witnesses to her claims that you assaulted her (as she alleges) and not witnesses to anything else.

What have you requested from the Court? Sole custody? If so, yes, at some point your witnesses to her character and behavior become important. If she is unstable and a liar (which you indicate she is) I would assume you're moving for full custody, want to be the custodial parent?

You say: "She doesn't have any "proof" of anything. I have two witnesses that saw my face after she punched me." Are you charging her with spousal abuse. These witnesses are also without merit if they did not see the incident - again, at least in NY.

How did you try to stop her from leaving the house without putting your hands on her? I don't not believe you I just don't know what she is going to allege and what actually happened.

Abuse is also in the eyes of the person being abused as well as the abuser - I was actually in Court when a man testified in a rather baffled manner that he NEVER abused his wife. He only shook her to get her attention. In the heat of the moment, maybe that's what happened. I don't know.

Again - you'll get your day in Court and your Attorney will tell you what to expect.

Im not saying its right... just that it is. You're a man, she's a woman. When it comes to domestic abuse, you will very likely be ignored.

Few years ago, my ex and I got in a fight. I slapped her ending the fight. I went to the hospital with my injuries. I then went to jail. She beat my face in and I had to get stitches, she got slapped. No charges were pressed against her despite my requests.

That's just the way the world works, man. Sucks but that's how it is. Your mileage may vary, but be prepared to be ignored.

Which is why you NEED to get a lawyer.

I definitely hired a lawyer. She doesn't have any proof and I have a witness to when she says I pushed her. He came over to our house and she was yelling profanities at me when he arrived. Nothing was broken or in dissaray. Its pretty much my word against hers and I realize that it is not in my favor.

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Originally Posted by morgan duncan

I definetly hired a lawyer. She doesn't have any proof and I have a witness to when she says I pushed her. He came over to our house and she was yelling profanities at me when he arrived. Nothing was broken or in dissaray. Its pretty much my word against hers and I realize that it is not in my favor.

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Oh, but it might be. People under pressure and stress show their true colors. Court is intimidating (if you aren't used to it). She will be under a great deal of pressure. Maybe she'll lose her cool - happens all the time.

I would be prepared. I trust your Attorney is experienced and recommended by someone who used him/her in the past.

Just keep your head and don't get tangled up in side issues.

Steve I also had to move out of our home because she said that she didn't want our son to be uprooted from where he lived. She has not returned to the home and I don't think she is ever going to. Why should I have to move out if she isn't even going to live there. Wouldn't it be better for my son if he could actually live there. She's the one who uprooted him from the home.

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Originally Posted by morgan duncan

Steve I also had to move out of our home because she said that she didn't want our son to be uprooted from where he lived. She has not returned to the home and I don't think she is ever going to. Why should I have to move out if she isn't even going to live there. Wouldn't it be better for my son if he could actually live there. She's the one who uprooted him from the home.

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You didn't address me, you addressed Steve but - these are questions for the Court and your Attorney to answer. Children are uprooted all the time because of job transfers and divorces, of course.

If the welfare of your child is at stake here the Court will very probably appoint a Guardian Ad Litem and that person will make recommendations.

If your house is standing empty, by all means your Attorney should request that you be "allowed" to move back in.

I don't understand totally what happened here - there was a choice as to which one of you would leave the home? You weren't ordered out?

Do we know what State this is in?

She asked in the TPO that I should have to move out because she didn't want to uproot the children from their home but she has not returned. So really she's the one that is uprooting them. I think she just did this because she didn't want me to take any belongings from the home. She also took both of our computers, our digital camera, and all of our paperwork. And I mean ALL of the paperwork. How can I prove that she has not returned to the home if I can't go there.

You hire someone - I do this all the time for Attorneys. That someone looks in windows, talks to neighbors, checks if the grass has been cut - and who cut it, are there cars in the garage (or outside if there is no garage), is there garbage out in front on garbage day.

Then the someone prepares an Affidavit for the Court listing dates/times that someone was there as well as what the someone found out.

Occasionally I do get called to testify on these cases but very seldom. It's hard evidence to argue against.

Or you ask a neighbor to come to Court and testify. Friends/family are presumed to be prejudiced and are pretty useless in these matters.

Thanks a lot. That was really useful information. I mean why should my son not be able to live at his home. My wife isn't going to stay there even if she gets a restaining order because she will want to stay with her parents. Her mom already takes care of the kids for her anyway. She had a daughter from a previous relationship and in the 2 years we were married she barely ever lived with us. All I really want is to get joint custody of my son. I'm trying to stay positive but it is extremely difficult. Thanks for your information.

I agree when she gets to court and you have yourself covered with your evidence and she sees it isn't going to be as simple as she was counting on she may not do well in court and the Judge may see straight through her and see things for what they really are.

That's why I say make sure you pursue this.

Thanks for all of your information. I'm sure you understand that I am under a lot of stress, but my plan is to pursue the matter in a cool collected way and to stay positive in my life so that I can provide for my son. My biggest concern is trying to get equal custody. I just don't want this restraining order to interfere with my relationship with my son.