This post is not on a specific relationship. It's a curious (and despite how it may sound, serious) question.

I have many negative personality traits. Among them, I am insecure, I have low self-esteem, and I am cynical. Apart from inside traits, I am overweight, plain, something of a slob, both in my physical appearance (which I can't seem to control, even when I "dress up" I still feel like a mess.) and in my personal space. I just wonder. Is it possible for a person to be unlovable? I have so many faults, and much as I hate to point out any good traits in myself at all, there really aren't all that many. I am smart, at least in the book sense. I learn things quickly, and I can pass a test (any test) without studying. I'm caring. In fact, because of my emotional state, too caring at times. But, combined with my loyalty, when I DO love you and care for you, you can be CERTAIN that I will always be there, and do whatever I can should you need me. Those are my very few good points. I'm also loud, opinionated, rebellious, blunt, and I can be obnoxious.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is, except, that sometimes, I just want to give up all hope of EVER finding someone who will love me for who I am. So my question really is, is there some point that a person just becomes unattractive to EVERYONE? Whether it be physical appearance, personality, or a combination of both? Or is it just my lack of self-esteem that makes me feel this way? I really hope that someone responds to this post. Despite the fact that I'm sure it points out that I have a great many issues, these are also the thoughts the plague me every minute of every day, and it IS completely serious to me.

You can't EVER be truly loved until you learn to love yourself. EVERYTHING you don't like about yourself is fixable if you actually work on it. If you have no love to offer someone, then why would anyone want to love you?

Issues are only issues as long as you let them be that way. Change who you are, become a person who loves himself, and people will want to share their love with you.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You can't EVER be truly loved until you learn to love yourself. EVERYTHING you don't like about yourself is fixable if you actually work on it. If you have no love to offer someone, then why would anyone want to love you?

Issues are only issues as long as you let them be that way. Change who you are, become a person who loves himself, and people will want to share their love with you.

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Not to be rude but, why do people always think I am a man? I'm a woman. And I love, I just don't see anything worth loving in myself. People always say this, but it's not something you just automatically know how to do, love yourself. At least not everyone does. For me, it is a huge struggle to find anything worthwhile in myself. In fact, pointing out the few good things I did, is something I never would have done five years ago. Believe it or not, that description of myself is an improvement. At least I can see good things. And I know that the physical faults are ones that can be changed, but how does one change who they are?

And there is another problem for me, and the reason that I have never made an effort to change my physical appearance. I have thought about it, and the fear that stops me from trying is, if I lose 100lbs, or however much, and THEN I meet a guy who claims to love me, I will always wonder, would he have loved the real me? The fat me? The paranoia does not revolve around my weight. It's much deeper than that.

It all starts with self love. If you are beaming with self confidence, people will be drawn to you. When you have such negative feelings about yourself, people will feel the same way about you. It all starts with you and how you perceive yourself.

Write out a list of goals and try to stick to them. Start exercising (if your weight bothers you), this will raise your endorphin levels which will motivate you further to accomplish your other goals.

It is as deep as you make it. Here is an idea: get off your little pitty pot and make things happen. You sit here and ask for advice on what is wrong with you then you overcomplicate everything by shooting down what I advise you to do.

Sorry I thought you were a man... I don't know too many women that have such a poor outlook on life. I can see why you have problems finding anyone, as your attitude is piss poor and your outlook is even worse. This isn't about changing WHO YOU ARE. Your morals and character remain intact... this is about becoming happy with yourself, being happy with YOUR life... clearly you aren't, so FIX it... and YES it is that easy. If you want to proclaim it is "deeper" than that then be my guest. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are the only person who has been truly unhappy with who they are...

You seem to be a caring and intelligennt women who has a lot to offer. Learning to love yourself is about doing things that pick yourself esteem up. We can't help you if you won't help yourself.

You were very gender neutral in your first post and gave no indication of your sex... sorry if any of us thought you were a guy (I honestly did for some weird reason).

Have you seen a therapist? I think your issues might need some professional assistance.

I don't think your fear is actually losing the weight, I think perhaps you might be using it as an excuse (sorry I don't want to sound like I'm attacking you). Regardless, it doesn't matter what you look like, it's what you feel comfortable looking like. It all comes back to what makes you feel good about yourself. If you feel good and attractive at your current weight, then stay that way. Otherwise, don't worry so much about what someone else might or might not think. All that matters is what you think about yourself first.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

It is as deep as you make it. Here is an idea: get off your little pitty pot and make things happen. You sit here and ask for advice on what is wrong with you then you overcomplicate everything by shooting down what I advise you to do.

Sorry I thought you were a man...I don't know too many women that have such a poor outlook on life. I can see why you have problems finding anyone, as your attitude is piss poor and your outlook is even worse. This isn't about changing WHO YOU ARE. Your morals and character remain intact...this is about becoming happy with yourself, being happy with YOUR life...clearly you aren't, so FIX it...and YES it is that easy. If you want to proclaim it is "deeper" than that then be my guest. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are the only person who has been truly unhappy with who they are...

You seem to be a caring and intelligennt women who has a lot to offer. Learning to love yourself is about doing things that pick your self esteem up. We can't help you if you won't help yourself.

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What do you mean about doing things that pick yourself esteem up? These are the things I have never understood. I've had so many people advise me to do so many different things (such as look myself in the mirror and tell myself I'm beautiful, I always felt vaguely uncomfortable doing that). And my mom said the same thing, if you want to love yourself, then do it. I'm not happy being miserable.

And I'm sorry I didn't explain exactly what I meant by deeper. I'm not very good at expressing myself. I have been diagnosed with a variety of mental illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and anxiety attacks. Basically, it boils down to this. I was physically and emotionally abused during my childhood, told I was worthless. Loving myself is not something that comes easy to me.

For the sake of knowing you are a female... ahem...

You just described yourself as my husband. :D Who I love, adore, and very frequently want to strangle while I talk him out of a manic mood. He never gets excited about anything, he complains about half of what our life is, he procrastinates, and he is sloven as hell. He was also single for ten years before we started officially dating. (I have known him for 6 and we were far apart.) I can honestly tell you that for every negative and frustrating thing my husband has inherent in his personality, there is at least one that I absolutely could not live without. And actually, I am annoyingly positive, so we even one anther out.

Anyhow my point is, leave it to a cynical person so pose a question such as this. Are you really going to believe us even if we do our damndest to give you hope? Not that it matters, I'd tell you all of this anyway. The fact that you ask shows that you care, and therefore you have shown yourself simply by asking for advice that you aren't a lost cause or unworthy. Someone will come along who appreciates all of those qualities about you. And if they don't, tell them to shove off, you can do better, not OK, better.

Oh, one more thing, he's LOUD too, really really loud. The only person I have ever met as obnoxiously loud as me. Everyone gives him flack for it and he's hypersensitive about being loud and never shutting up. I could never have married if he wasn't like that. I NEED some of those things about him that make him unloveable to others. Consider that one next time some schlub doesn't meet your standards.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

You were very gender neutral in your first post and gave no indication of your sex... sorry if any of us thought you were a guy (I honestly did for some weird reason).

Have you seen a therapist? I think your issues might need some professional assistance.

I don't think your fear is actually losing the weight, I think perhaps you might be using it as an excuse (sorry I don't want to sound like I'm attacking you). Regardless, it doesn't matter what you look like, it's what you feel comfortable looking like. It all comes back to what makes you feel good about yourself. If you feel good and attractive at your current weight, then stay that way. Otherwise, don't worry so much about what someone else might or might not think. All that matters is what you think about yourself first.

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I was forced into therapy by my mother when I was a teenager. I think perhaps in a way, it held me back, because at that age I was not able to coherently express what I was feeling. In fact I am still not always good at it, especially when I am angry or upset. Unfortunately, it is no longer an option. I am on a limited income, and my state recently cut the benefits supplied by it's medical program. Mental Health is no longer offered.

You are right about the weight, but please don't think that I have never tried. I have. I've dieted, and excersized, and most have not worked for me. I can recall losing weight TWO out of the hundreds of times I have tried. One, was starving myself (saltine crackers and water) which worked and worked well, but obviously isn't healthy, and as soon as I began to eat, I began to gain the weight back. The second was Weight Watchers, which was working slowly, but unfortunately I was not able to afford to keep it up for long, and cannot afford it currently. My weight IS an issue, but not in the way you might think. My body bothers me yes, but only because I have an idea in my head of what a woman SHOULD look like, and I know I don't fit that ideal. It is not fitting into the "beauty" category that bothers me, more than my specific weight. I just want to be beautiful.

As far as assuming I am a man, you would think I would get used to it. Most people think I am a man (online, or if they just hear my voice and do not see me.) I have a somewhat deep voice, at least for a woman, and I am more forceful than most women tend to be, I suppose.

I want to just apologize for this post. Normally I do not go so far off the deep end, but a about of depression, the loss of the one person I could talk to about this stuff a couple of years ago, and having no one to talk to since, couple with a lack of sleep from having not gone to bed last night, has made me morbid. I apologize if I offended anyone.

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Originally Posted by Chey5782

For the sake of knowing you are a female... ahem...

You just described yourself as my husband. :D Who I love, adore, and very frequently want to strangle while I talk him out of a manic mood. He never gets excited about anything, he complains about half of what our life is, he procrastinates, and he is sloven as hell. He was also single for ten years before we started officially dating. (I have known him for 6 and we were far apart.) I can honestly tell you that for every negative and frustrating thing my husband has inherent in his personality, there is at least one that I absolutely could not live without. And actually, i am annoyingly positive, so we even one anther out.

Anyhow my point is, leave it to a cynical person so pose a question such as this. Are you really going to believe us even if we do our damndest to give you hope? Not that it matters, I'd tell you all of this anyway. The fact that you ask shows that you care, and therefore you have shown yourself simply by asking for advice that you aren't a lost cause or unworthy. Someone will come along who appreciates all of those qualities about you. And if they don't, tell them to shove off, you can do better, not ok, better.

Oh, one more thing, hes LOUD too, really really loud. The only person I have ever met as obnoxiously loud as me. Everyone gives him flack for it and hes hypersensitive about being loud and never shutting up. I could never have married if he wasn't like that. I NEED some of those things about him that make him unloveable to others. Consider that one next time some schlub doesn't meet your standards.

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I really want to thank you for this post. Hearing that I am not the only one to be this way, and also hear that someone similar to me found someone who loves them, makes me feel better about my own situation. While I know I have a lot of issues, and a lot of work to do, hearing that makes me hope that, when someone tells me they like me, or love me, I don't have to automatically assume they aren't being honest.

You are very not alone feeling this way. I've been in love with my husband for 6 years and we've broken up 3x. First because he thought I would never want him in real life. Second because he lied to me because he thought it would be easier on me. And third because I got pissed at hi for ignoring me to play the game we met on. HEH, irony of ironies. We've been married now for 8 months and he is STILL convinced every time we get into a big fight I am going to leave him. I just tell him *string of cuss words* not an excuse to make me feel bad so you can win. Get your head out of your bum and quit trying to make me un-love you. He does it a lot, but I UNDERSTAND his insecurities, and like you said about yourself, he is the most loyal man I have ever known. He might doubt me, as is his nature, but I don't doubt me, and I love him more than pie. (read below) It works, with the right person, who gets you. You just have to figure out what you want and what you have to offer. He finally did. Took him forever. And that coming from a guy who has only ever had girls tell him he is good looking. You can do it too. Just don't give up on what you deserve.

Start small and find out what makes you happy. Go for walks, hikes, runs (all free). I think you fail because you have expectations for immediate results. Exercising isn't just about looking better, it's about feeling better as well. Take the image of what you want to look like at the end OUT of your mind and just take it day by day. We all have an idea of what we want to look like, but lose motivation when it doesn't happen right away. It's about trying to focus on the positive aspects instead of the negative ones.

I would also suggest perhaps joining some clubs or groups and meet some new people. Put yourself out there and stop trying so hard to protect yourself. When you build up that big of a wall, you not only protect yourself but submerge yourself in loneliness.

I am alos a little bit bigger I I am very loud and very blunt sometimes I can get a little over the top anoying but I friggan love myself I love who I am and I love that I don't cover myself up with a mask. And people love me because I love myself so it doesn't matter what you where or how you dress it matters about how you act. If a man is a reall man they won't care about what you look like they care about who you are

I pretty much disagree with everything I have read here. It would be much easier to explain myself in person so that everyone could see how sincere I am about the following opinion.

The way I see it; self-esteem can be broken down into a couple categories.

1st How much you focus on your faults.

Aside from thinking about them, what are you doing to change them? I disagree with people who say things like "I love my faults". There is a lot of fake confidence out there because people think it makes them more lovable or they think they are successfully hiding their fragile ego. I'm very aware of my faults, in fact I'm very open about them as well. Faults keep most of us humble enough to live our lives as decent people. You need to learn to accept those "faults" that cannot be changed and improve yourself where you see a deficiency. If you think you are overweight, (barring any medical conditions) lose it. If you don't like how messy you are, practice organization. If you don't like your height, accept it. If you don't like your family, accept them.

2nd How others view you.

People who say " I don't care what other people think" are liars or sociopaths. I'm not saying other people's opinions should control your life, but it's healthy to understand how you "fit" into society. If people think your self-loathing is a drag to be around, maybe it is. If people who are close to you tell you that you you are obnoxious, then you are. However, Kurt Cobain hated himself and *MY OPINION* he contributed so much to music and society. He also killed himself in the process. Isn't it interesting though, that someone who hated everyone including himself was so easy for people to relate to? We all have our doubts, fears and insecurities. If you focus on your own too much, it can be hard to be around because none of us need to be reminded ALL THE TIME about our faults or anyone else's. If you are overweight and you find it unattractive, then it is. Make sense? I'm not going to say "learn to love yourself". I'm going to say "start working on becoming someone you can love." It has to be real self love, not self-deception. Or hate yourself and learn to accept that you are an incurable self-defeating perfectionist.

I know my post is scatterbrained, but I'm really tired and I felt the need to respond. I hope it makes sense. Basically remember, too much self-esteem is bad, not enough is bad, fake self-esteem is the worst and no one has it down perfectly.

No one wants to be around loud, opinionated, rebellious, blunt, obnoxious people. They are overbearing, depress their surroundings and cause people to avoid them every chance they get.
You may think you are all the positive things you said but I am sure you are projecting the opposite. Try some soul searching and find out why you are the way you are... if you keep hearing negative things about yourself (especially from the people most important in your life) you start believing them. Try to remember when you started being so negative. It is not an easy task but you are going to have to dig deep in your past. You are a person who has been hurt so badly that your behaviour is that of a wounded dove. You are just trying to protect yourself.
Take one day at a time and remember that in the end it is your decision to live the rest of your life as a grouch or try to find a way out of it.
As for your weight... not everyone is the same... the world is full of different sizes, ethnic backgrounds,religions and the list goes on and on. Being healthy is more important than your size.. they are many skinny, healthy looking people who have so many health problems. Take care of yourself, people will respond to the way you project yourself.
As much as it hurts, dig deep in your past and start there. Getting all dressed up and feeling bad on the inside is like putting a band-aid on arterial bleeding.

I'm going with neither of these people have ever had to deal with a person who has been diagnosed with, " a variety of mental illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and anxiety attacks."

Cynical depression alone is reason enough to not tell a person you think people who love their faults are full of fake confidence, especially when you turn around and encourage the person to start trying to love herself. Faults kind of go with any personality hand in hand.

BigS I see your point, but I happen to like being around my rebellious, obnoxious, loud, cynical friends. Again, not awesome advice for a diagnosed depressive. Although you make a good point.

Self hate isn't any way to live your life. It's a whole lot more like wallowing in a hole. I happen to be one of those people who get's along with herself most days. The days I hate myself are long and I want my mommy, but I suck it up and try to get past them. It's just a part of live.

Ewhit- I think you needed a pick me up and you picked the right moment to do it. But you also need to find a boyfriend you actually want and stop allowing yourself to settle because you don't think you are good enough. Self-loathing won't get you nearly as far in life as getting off your arse, off the MMO and into the real world.

I agree that you should take some time to try and see what other people perceive when they look at you, sometimes making a few small changes just to that can do wonders for yourself esteem.

In the end though, no one can really do that for you but you, so get off your butt n stop wondering about it all honey.

Chey, if you are referring to my post then you are way off base. I have battled with depression myself. I dated someone who had serious depression issues. If you have clinically diagnosed personality disorders, get professional help. I have no sympathy for anyone who simply wallows. A lot of good can come out of being aware of our faults. You have to dig down deep, but it should serve as a motivator for change.

If you stayed current with how modern psychology is developing, you would be aware of the fact that this "love yourself no matter what" mantra actually leads to more depression than being aware of your faults and working towards improving yourself. Everyone has room for self improvement. I was alluding to the point BigS made about obnoxious people. It is not a display of self-love and confidence. It is an obvious attempt at covering up a serious lack of self-esteem. "Opinionated" is a euphemism for obnoxious. I'm speaking from experience. I had a pretty emotionally devastating upbringing and employed the same self-defense mechanisms in order to avoid getting hurt. "Act tough enough on the outside and no one can hurt you". I grew out of it. Oddly enough, getting hurt a few more times did the trick. You learn that you will survive and it's more fulfilling to live openly and experience the full range of human emotions than it is to guard yourself constantly.

Thanks for clearing that up. I still think editing your original post to not sound contradictory would have been more helpful to the OP.

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Originally Posted by Chey5782

Thanks for clearing that up. I still think editing your original post to not sound contradictory would have been more helpful to the OP.

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I wasn't contradicting myself. Perhaps you are projecting your confusion onto OP. Take a mile Chey.