Ask Me Help Desk - Online Long Distance Dating

Okay so, I'm a very complex and emotional person, so if you don't feel like reading this, then don't.

I play an online game. I have lots of friends in game. I met my current boyfriend through this game. It's funny, because one of my ex's friends is his best friend in real life. But I've never actually MET my boyfriend. It's an online relationship, give me a break. Anyway, we've talked a LOT, we know a lot about each other. Or rather, he knows a lot about me, and I know some about him. He's probably at the opposite spectrum of myself, emotions wise. He's not COMPLETELY closed off, I mean, he told me that he wants kids some day. But he's not very open about his feelings. He tells me he loves me, but then sometimes he just doesn't log on all day and I don't hear from him.

Now while I REALLY like him (maybe even love him, I KNOW I love him as a friend, but it's hard for me to be sure without meeting him.), I have commitment issues. None of my relationships have EVER lasted longer than 6 months. Even though I want nothing more than to find a guy who can love me, I don't believe that any guy CAN love me. I'm not thin or beautiful, and with all my emotional issues, I'm not a great catch. So all the little things that have gone "wrong" in our relationship, make me think we are not going to last, but that could also just be my phobia talking.

I'm unsure if he even wants to meet me. He isn't making any concerted effort to do so, although I really can't blame him for that, I'm not either. Both of us are broke, and live on opposite sides of the country. Also, and this is VERY personal, but one of our friends told me he's bi, and one night he was flirting with guys (he'd also been drinking, and he gets very flirty when he's drunk, so don't read too much into it.) but it did freak me out to the point that I wondered if he was only dating me to hide his sexuality. Basically, it comes down to this. I really don't know WHY he's dating me, and I'm scared. Scared that I care for him far more than he cares for me.

If this sounds like the ramblings of a completely delusional maniac then feel free to ignore it, but am I crazy for wondering how he feels? Does it seem like he doesn't really want to be with me, or am I just paranoid?

Until you meet him in person, there's no way to know how either of you really feel about each other. You can't even be sure of your feelings for him, he's just someone you met online, you have no idea what he's like in person.

I suggest that you only stay friends without any commitement. If one day you meet in person and there's a spark, then go from there. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

You are putting the cart before the horse with a guy you haven't even met yet. Work on yourself image of yourself. Don't worry if he is going to love you or not. You may not even really like him all that much once you meet him. You really can't call it dating when you are only talking and getting to know each other over the internet.
I'd say if he is flirting with anybody guy or girl while you are in this so called relationship that it means he isn't putting as much stock in this being a bona fided relationship as what you are.
Internet relationships tend to do this to a lot of people because they fill in the blanks of what they know about the person and end up making them in an image of their own mind. Then they are obsessed with who they THINK the person is. Basically you may be romantizing who you want him to be.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

You are putting the cart before the horse with a guy you haven't even met yet. Work on your self image of yourself. Don't worry if he is going to love you or not. You may not even really like him all that much once you meet him. You really can't call it dating when you are only talking and getting to know each other over the internet.
I'd say if he is flirting with anybody guy or girl while you are in this so called relationship that it means he isn't putting as much stock in this being a bona fided relationship as what you are.
Internet relationships tend to do this to a lot of people because they fill in the blanks of what they know about the person and end up making them in an image of their own mind. Then they are obsessed with who they THINK the person is. Basically you may be romantizing who you want him to be.

I honestly, in my mind, agree. The problem is, I tend to do this in ANY relationship, real or online. I did the same thing with my ex, then convinced myself that he didn't REALLY love me, even though he claimed he did, and ended the relationship. The problem is, and I agree that I am probably taking this "relationship" more seriously than I should, that I don't know if this relationship is a bad idea, or if it's my phobia and paranoia that's making me worry about things that don't really matter.

You need to start looking more outwardly than inwardly. You seem like you are always worried about what you think. You need to start being more open about what others really think AND want rather than what you 'FEEL'. For example, you say you got worried and ended it with your ex because you 'CONVINCED' yourself he didn't really love you. You are thinking about yourself and protecting yourself and not allowing others in because you start rationalizing with irrational fears.
Start taking into consideration that if they like you they just may mean it.

Some times you have to take stuff at face value and accept it rather than over thinking it in your mind to the point you mess it up. That is called self defeat, self destruction, your own worst enemy,.

Learn to go with the flow and not put the cart before the horse or the other extreme of burning the bridge.
One day you may just miss that ship in the harbor because you say that ain't the one when it IS

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You need to start looking more outwardly than inwardly. You seem like you are always worried about what you think. You need to start being more open about what others really think AND want rather than what you 'FEEL'. For example, you say you got worried and ended it with your ex because you 'CONVINCED' your self he didn't really love you. You are thinking about yourself and protecting yourself and not allowing others in because you start rationalizing with irrational fears.
Start taking into consideration that if they like you they just may mean it.

Some times you have to take stuff at face value and accept it rather than over thinking it in your mind to the point you mess it up. That is called self defeat, self destruction, your own worst enemy,...........

Learn to go with the flow and not put the cart before the horse or the other extreme of burning the bridge.
One day you may just miss that ship in the harbor because you say that ain't the one when it IS

I know you are right, but sometimes I just wish I could shut my brain off. It never seems to stop, no matter how much I want it to. And I worry about absolutely everything, not just relationships. I worry about how I'm going to go to school, or pay for my car, or if my expensive electric bill is going to break me this month.

To stop being myopic you have to start new habits. Start looking at all angles, start looking at things from all perspectives and points of view, get a better peripheral vision.
Hind sight is 20/20 but then it is too late.

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Even though I want nothing more than to find a guy who can love me, I don't believe that any guy CAN love me. I'm not thin or beautiful, and with all my emotional issues, I'm not a great catch.

Firstly, would you really expect someone to love you when you don't love or like yourself? You say that you want to find a guy that can love you, you don't say that you'd like to find a guy to love. It's a subtle distinction, but love isn't something that is done to you - you create it by focusing on other people and what you like about them, not on what you want done to you.

Secondly, has worrying changed anything in your life or made it better? What is the point of worrying? It doesn't change anything, it just makes you feel awful. Worrying is like an addiction - the mind goes round and round and you can't think of anything useful, but you can't stop.

Thirdly, get off the computer, get out of the house and get some help! You don't have to feel so burdened, self hating and scared. It's all a matter of perception and choice. You can look at your life and self and say 'half full' or 'half empty' and you can choose to change or not.

Choose to change and choose a real relationship. Why worry about someone that is hundreds of miles away? You're just avoiding living a real life.