Around Christmas time last year my relationship with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years started to seem under strain. We had always been very close and spent practically all of our spare time together. She has always been quite a shy person, finding social situations & making new friends a bit hard.

Late 2007 she started a new job working for a large company of a kind she was not used to being in, I was warned by others that it was quite an institutionalised type of setup and the workers there tend to form close-knit groups. I never thought this would be a problem.

Anyway, as the year went on, my girlfriend was making friends with her peers and getting invited to more social situations with her colleagues.

This wouldn't have bothered me as such apart from sometimes she would go out with them at weekends without telling me and without answering her phone when I called.

When it came to Christmas this became even worse, she wouldn't tell me what plans she had unless I specifically asked. When I asked if I could come to one of the gatherings (they were all generally young people just going out for a drink for a leaving do - the second leaving do for the same person as the week before) she basically started the "I don't think this is working" routine. Although we didn't split up at that time and she regretted saying it, it still hurt a lot that what seemed like such a strong, long running relationship could be so easily suggested as not worth it over such an unimportant matter.

This affected me quite a lot at the time - it never crossed my mind that our relationship could end like that. I've always suffered from mild general anxiety but this took it to another level, I was losing a lot of sleep over it and it was affecting my job. I went to a doctor to sort out my anxiety issues and she put me on some anti-depressants for it. I've never wanted to take ADs but my girlfriend (who ironically was working for the company who designed them) told me I should.

When taking the ADs my anxiety got worse and I started feeling depressed, an emotion that's never really affected me before. The drugs warn that this will probably happen the first month or so though, so I persevered.

Though I've always enjoyed a drink, through this period I started to drink heavily and one day when I was drunk me and my girlfriend got into a huge row and she dumped me.

When I sobered up I was heartbroken and begged her to forgive me. She wouldn't even talk to me.

For a week I kept sending her emails and messages - some apologetic, some angry, but all "in the name of love". She came and met me twice, always standing her ground that it was over (even though I didn't believe it). The second time though we did sleep together - a break up shag.

The Friday (we split up the previous Saturday) she sent me a message saying she was going to write an email explaining exactly how she felt, but that she was going out so it would have to wait.

That same night she sent another message that just said "I can't live without you". I thought Thank God she’s come to her senses.

I rang her straight away and she said - crying - that she had to tell me something. I asked her what and she said I could probably guess. I said "you've slept with someone" and she confirmed it. When I asked her who, she told me that it was one of her workmates and not only that but the one that I had had a problem with because I thought he fancied her.

Maybe it was the ADs I was on but I decided that no matter what I love her and so I had to forgive her. So that’s what I said and I took her back, even though I was extremely hurt.

I continued with taking the ADs which continued to have a more and more profound effect on my frame of mind. I started to not care about anything and I felt hard done by my girlfriend. This manifested itself in me drinking more and more heavily, taking cocaine at an ever increasing level and flirting with any girl I came into contact with. I felt that I had a free ticket to cheat on my girlfriend and she couldn't say anything.

This sort of self-destructive behaviour went on for around 4 months in which time I went into hospital on 5 separate occasions for 3 different reasons and got arrested twice. I also got into massive debt from all the drug abuse and took a stupid amount of time off work and university feeling sorry for myself. (Btw, this is uncharacteristic of me, straight A student, never arrested before).

It all came to a head at the end of April, after having punched my stepdad and being kicked out of home by my Mum. I stopped taking the pills that night.

3 months on now and I have returned to my normal state of mind. I’m not taking drugs anymore or flirting with other girls and I’m feeling a lot more healthy. But I still can’t get over the fact that my girlfriend slept with another guy within one week of breaking it off with me.

She is the only person I’ve ever slept with, I was her 12th and now she has a 13th.

I know she didn’t “technically” do anything wrong so I suppose my hang-ups are more jealousy than anger. I just don’t know if I will ever get over it or whether it will keep popping up for years to come. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us that way.

The reason I’m posting on this forum is to see what other people think, was she wrong, am I a mug, if they have had similar experiences and how is it best to get over it.

At the moment - now that I’m sane again – I’m unsure whether I should or want to commit any more to this girl.

Sorry this post was so long, I look forward to hearing what people have to offer.

How old are you two? Did you guys get together young? It sounds to me like it would be best if you moved on. It sounds like you're on the right track to getting your life in order, but if you have these jealousy issues that's something you should get worked out before being in a relationship. True you guys were on a break, but I think the fact that she slept with this guy so fast that it might have been something she was thinking about doing.

It's OK. You just need to move on. The most quick way to get over her is to sleep with someone else. I know what it feels like when the other person doesn't want you anymore and cheats on you. She sounds like a real whore and doesn't take people's feelings into consideration. Think about your life now and focus on how you can make it better without her. Even though this hurts, it's a good experience because it will toughen you up for your next relationship. The first person you have sex with is always hard to get over.

I am serious. I guess you've never been in a relationship where a girl has dumped you and had sex with a guy she met at work or at a club the next weekend, ZoeMarie. Some girls are insensitive and he can't afford to be throwing your heart all around for them to break it. Sorry for giving you a males point of view that you don't want to hear.

Grow a back bone and have sex with a few more girls to get her out of your system. Just think of them as practice until you find a real woman worth your time. I've been in enough relationships to know there are a lot of women out there that date men for all the wrong reasons.

Yeah, go out, get some stds, get some girls you don't know pregnant, but hey it's all so you can feel better about yourself. BAD idea.

It's not a good idea to go out and just sleep with random girls. It doesn't help you get over anyone. Trust me. After a 4 year relationship I was the one that went out and made poor choices. You don't have to be a guy to realize that's a dumb move.

Oh boy, what a rollercoaster you've been on! It's good to hear that you are past the meds and the drugs, and seem to be in a healthier state of mind.

Even though she didn't technically cheat on you, part of you probably still feels like she did. The fact that you were trying to "get back" at her by flirting with other girls indicates this. I think that since you've had this VERY rocky road after all this time, it might make more sense to move on and concentrate completely on yourself and your own insecurities.

From the beginning when you were spending every spare moment together, this was your first mistake. When her behavior changed is when you started to have anxiety and thus strained the relationship further.

It sounds to me like you need to work on your own insecurities and jealousy, apart from your girlfriend. The relationship seems like a complete mess right now and you need to work on yourself without having this scenario looming over your head anymore.

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Originally Posted by kalc

I am serious. I guess you've never been in a relationship where a girl has dumped you and had sex with a guy she met at work or at a club the next weekend, ZoeMarie. Some girls are insensitive and he can't afford to be throwing your heart all around for them to break it. Sorry for giving you a males point of view that you don't want to hear.

Grow a back bone and have sex with a few more girls to get her out of your system. Just think of them as practice until you find a real woman worth your time. I've been in enough relationships to know there are a lot of women out there that date men for all the wrong reasons.

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So because they are insensitive you should go sleep with a bunch of girls to get something out of your system? What is he getting out of his system? He's not sexually frustrated. Seems to be a pretty lame solution :rolleyes:. He's not asking on how to perform better in the bedroom, so I don't see how sleeping with random girls with NO EMOTIONS tied to it will help him get over this EMOTIONAL issue.

Work on yourself right now... I might suggest a therapist... one that is not licensed to prescribe medication this time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kalc

Grow a back bone and have sex with a few more girls to get her out of your system. Just think of them as practice until you find a real woman worth your time. I've been in enough relationships to know there are a lot of women out there that date men for all the wrong reasons.

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I can agree with the first four words of your post, but the rest is utter garbage. Knock a few girls out for practice? Who do you think you are? Your reasons are flawed and I find it hard to believe you can get a girl to like you by the cocky and immature attitude you have. I guess you must go for the air heads huh? I have "used" girls for sex, as you have, and I guess the difference between you and I is that I felt like a total idiot about it...

Give good advice on how to be a man, not advice on how to act like a boy. High school is over Chauncey, so grow up and act like it.

Taiwoto,

I know you're hurt, and don't want your girl insulted, so I won't ( unlike some people here). You say that she didn't really do anything wrong, in my book ,when she started to leave you out of her plans, and parties, she started to drift. She should have gone on her own way then. You say she was shy and reserved , yet has had 13 sexual partners? She was wrong to have had sex with another person so soon, she KNOWS that, but the damage is done. I personally don't think that I could ever get that out of MY mind, and don't think you will either. You are obviously hurt, because you are asking perfect strangers what we think. Mistrust is often like a cancer that is inoperable. T And this sounds malignant to me. I think you are going to find that your best move is to find someone that will respect you, WANT to be with you always, and someone who you can invest your trust in. You health is being effected by HER. Don't live your life wondering where she is, or who she is with. This will KILL you if you let it. Good luck to you mate. GOD bless you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I can agree with the first four words of your post, but the rest is utter garbage. Knock a few girls out for practice? Who do you think you are? Your reasons are flawed and I find it hard to believe you can get a girl to like you by the cocky and immature attitude you have. I guess you must go for the air heads huh? I have "used" girls for sex, as you have, and I guess the difference between you and I is that I felt like a total idiot about it...

Give good advice on how to be a man, not advice on how to act like a boy. High school is over Chauncey, so grow up and act like it.

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Had to spread the rep, but dead on.

Guys,

Thanks for all the speedy responses, I wasn't expecting that. Zoe, we are both 25, we have known each other since school but only really got friendly when we were about 20, then started going out at 21.

I don't think she was thinking about sleeping with this guy before she dumped me, but was obviously buiding a rapport with her colleagues that she didn't want me to be involved with.

When she did sleep with him I believe she was lonely and he knew she had just split up with me. I think he sort of took advantage. Still, she slept with me the day before which I feel means she should have thought there was every chance that we would get back together, and had a bit more self control - after 3 1/2 years.

I do believe she is really sorry and now realises what was more important in the first place and she has done things to show commitment to me.

I just feel that her sexual morals are a little bit looser than mine, I could have slept with plenty of people in the past but didn't. It wasn't until the second month of going out with her that I slept with her. That riles me. That I wined and dined her and treated her like a lady. And all this guy had to do was ask.

So I don't really know what to do. I believe she is committed to me now and that she made a mistake, I just don't know if I can ever feel the same towards her. I would love to not feel this resentment but think I possibly always will, in which case it should probably end sooner rather than later.

I was in the same boat as you not to long ago. It will take time, but you will get over this. You can't take her back. If you do, it's just a matter of time before she does this again and you become her yo-yo boy. Her feelings for you have changed somewhere along the line. She is looking for something in someone else that she is not getting from you. Whatever that "something" is will remain a mystery for both you and her, so it make no use wasting time over analyzing what went wrong. Just recognize that something over the last 3 1/2 years you were together changed and it's time to move on. No one is to blame for this relationship ending, but she could have done this in a better way.


In this case, she is the one who loses:

1. She broke up with someone who genuinely cared for her.

2. She immediately shacked up with a co-worker. This is a particularly BAD move. She just started this job and is now building a rapport of being the office ho. Nice...

Even though you may not think so now, judging by the actions she took after breaking up with you, you will be better off in the long run.

If you look back, all of the signs were there. The emotional distance she was putting between you and her

-- Her excluding you from her plans

--A guy, that you know likes her, comes in the picture that she tells you not to worry about

--The break, and then her sleeping with that guy

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. The funny thing, I felt like something like this was going to happen, but ignored it because I loved her and thought she stilled loved me. Boy was I wrong.

You have to accept that this happened, and get busy working on yourself for the next girl that comes along.

Take your time and don't rush into things. Just let life take you and have fun.

One night stands are more stressing than anything. Sure they are fun at the time that you are having sex, but then you wake up the next day and question what you did and why. Then you start worrying about the STD and pregnancy thing. Then you have to deal with your own moral dilemma about the whole incident. I've had a couple of one nighters, and I've made the choice of not having anymore. Too much to worry about. Plus women don't find guys who sleep around attractive.

On the other hand, (going along with the whole live life and have fun) if it happens, it happens. Don't beat yourself up over it if you end up having one. Just make sure you use protection and you don't become a man-whore. You're my age so I don't need to explain any further.

Take time and work healing and moving on from this. It will be very difficult, but you WILL get over her. Just start getting together with your buddies and have fun. Plan trips, go out and flirt with chicks for the hell of it, pick up new hobbies, join some sort of group, just go live and have fun.

That's how you pass the time.

If you are working at getting a good relationship you have to work on it in order to heal. You have to make the decision Do you want this relationship to work then you have to put the past in the past and move on. No games, no bringing up her faults when you argue, no trying to get even.
Working at the healing process is the only way

Thanks for your comments jmw.

I think maybe you're right that she felt something was missing and that's why she grew distant. But then after she made her "mistake" she realised what she actually had with me.

Straight afterwards she phoned me up distraught and crying and telling me how bad she felt and she realises what's important now.

To be honest I don't think my conscerns are an issue of trust for her, though that may be a factor. I think that she really does love me, is committed to me, really upset about what she did and really thankful I took her back.

Going on from what Nohelp4u says, I made the decision to take her back 7 months ago because I loved her and didn't want to lose everything we had built together. But 7 months on and I'm still resenting it. I think my issue is that now I've lost what I thought we had and I am falling out of love with her and have lost the respect for our relationship, as much as I wish that wasn't the case.

As this is my first relationship of this kind, I suppose I'm confused and a little bit insecure to make what I consider to a life changing decision. But saying that, essentially she already has.

Does anyone have any idea about the concept of an ammicable break? Does a break help a relationship in this sort of confusion. Obviously the break before was what caused the problem, but that was more of a heated dumping.

In this situation will the respect and love be able to grow again?

Yeah you are most likely trying to hold onto the good things of the relationship you HAD. But it takes two to make that work.
If she has changed and not working toward the same there's nothing you can do. If she does want it to work you two need to have a good talk and get on the same page about what you each expect out of the relationship.

Most often I have noticed that when somebody that wants a relationship to work and its not they say they are confused.
They are confused because they want to project what they WANT into something that just isn't. Therefore the confusion is that they can't see with clear 20/20 vision of the facts.

Ammicable break up to me means llike mutual consent. Also if you want a break and you both want back together you set the terms of the break when you are breaking. You agree not to see anybody else or not to get involved with anybody else or whatever. You can't make an open statement that you are taking a break and not expect them to do whatever they want.

The only way love and respect will return again is if you forgive and forget and allow it to.
She has to want it to work for it to grow again on her part.

^^I agree. Had to spread the rep.

It happened to me Thursday mate, EXACTLY! The same was with her for a year and she went to America slept with a guy when we were on a little break (split up 2 weeks before she went) and mate I'm crushed I'd never ever get back with her! I made loads of **** up to hurt her saying I slept with my ex who she's had a problem with from day 1 and she started crying and wanted to crash her car anyway we both met up Angry but had to talk face to face and not through a text, met up last night I was so hurt I though I'm going to keep lying then when I saw her face she was pale being sick with worry because I told her I was going to hang myself (actualy was stood up a tree crying then she phoned me and made me see sense) when I saw her face all I did was cry and cry and cry that's not me I'm the fun happy guy who doesn't care when woman dump me, we didn't talk for a good 10 minutes just stood there crying into each other I didn't have it in me to lie to her so I told her the truth and she started crying and forgave me but I can't go back with her not now it's damaged beond repair, I've never cried over a woman before and this is actually killing me I'd love to be dead but then I just want to say you're not alone big guy someone will come along for us both one day and respect us.