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My mom died on July 5 of this year and I don't know how to go on without her, my whole world has turned upside down and the pain that I am in is almost unbearable. Can anyone tell me how to fix my heart. I have 3 children and I can not deal with them. I was married on June 4 also of this year and I can not deal with my new husband. How is it that the world is still going on and my world have stopped
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Just by way of explanation I lost my husband almost two years ago.
This is such a fresh wound for you and it is difficult to be a wife and mother while grieving. In fact, it's difficult to function while grieving. Everyone grieves in a different manner - right now when it's so new and fresh it's probably hard for you to even think straight. I know it was for me and all the talking in the World sounded like "waa, waa, waa." I didn't hear anything anybody said.
Is there someone you can talk to, cry with, someone who will listen to you?
Is there some way to help you heal a little bit or is it too soon? Sometimes just looking through photos and making a scrapbook or planting a tree or something along those lines makes it somewhat easier.
But the bottom line is that until the grief is all "out of you," the suffering will go on.
And I know what you mean about coping - I simply couldn't deal with life after my husband passed. Everything was totally without meaning. I cared about nothing.
You must - and I know this is probably not helpful to you - stay strong for your children. You also have to take care of yourself. If the way to do that is to get away for a few days, by yourself, you could do that.
Your husband probably doesn't know what to say or do - first, he's a man; second, it's not his mother; third, he's probably worried about you. Can you sit down with him and just tell him that right now you are in over your head? Do you know what he could do that would make things easier for you?
Everyone is going to tell you that suffering like this is NOT what your mother would have wanted. Again, at the time everyone said that to me and I had to keep from screaming in their faces. How did they know what my husband would have wanted? Now that some time has passed I do realize that I do him no honor if I bury myself with him - do you know what I mean?
I wish I had wonderful, wise words to say to you... but I don't. Time helps; like all wounds you will begin to heal. Some days will still be terrible. Other days will be better. I know. I didn't believe it either.
Tell me a little bit about your mother. Why was she so special to you? Were you very close? Was she a good Grandmother to your children? She must have loved you very much.
You've experienced 2 major life changes within a month's span. Everyone grieves and deals with loss differently. What's the problem with your new husband? Is he unempathetic to your loss and what you're feeling? He does need to be supportive and understanding during this difficult time. But I also hope you realize that life has to go on, for the sake of your husband and kids. Assure your husband and children that you love them and always will. Mourn the loss of your mother but also celebrate life with your husband and kids. They need it and so do you.
My parents died 6 1/2 months apart, I'm an only child. I feel your pain.
When my dad died (he was the first to go) I holed myself up, slept, wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower and wouldn't take care of my 2 year old son. I wanted to die. My mother was undergoing chemo for cancer, my husband was beside himself, not knowing what to do for me.
On the 5th day of my isolation my little boy came into the room, stroked my hair and said "mommy, I love you, please don't die". That made me realize that I had to carry on.
So I got out of bed and did what I had to do. Five days a week I took my mom to treatment. I helped her move and brought her to my house so I could look after her. For over 4 months she lived with us. We found out she was terminal and her last wish was to see her family in Germany. We made the trip, Hubby, mom, my son and me. She died 3 days after we arrived.
I brought her home and mourned.
For a long time I thought I'd never feel normal again, I'd never smile again, I'd never love again. They took a piece of my heart with them when they died.
I stayed strong and I survived.
They both died in 2001, I was 30 years old. Do I still miss them? You better believe it! Do I still cry? Yes. Do I ever laugh, smile, enjoy life? Every day, because I'm blessed. I had them for 30 years, now I have two beautiful children, I don't want their memories to be me crying, sleeping and wanting to die. I want the same for them that my parents gave to me.
Hope, time, love and allowing yourself to grieve. Trust me, it does get better. It really does.
Chin up, you'll survive. :)
I have removed the argumentative posts. If you cannot keep your personal opinions to yourself, please don't post.
Apparently, this gal needs our support, not our arguments. Keep your arguments to PM and NOT on the board. Any further arguments, by ANYONE, will be dealt with appropriately.
Agreed, wholeheartedly.Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Now, back to the OP.
Dear, I feel your pain. I lost my father on 6/6/07. He was my hero. For a month I was not given the chance to grieve. I had to hold it up for my mother, brother and sister. I was alone. My husband took our children back home 600 miles away as they had prior commitments that could NOT be overlooked. This, of course, was weeks before my dad died.
I am done grieving now, his picture sits right here on my computer desk to the left of me. I wear his wedding ring... given to me by my mother (with my husband's consent) as a gift for graduating nursing school (the only child in our family to go to college).
His memory is in my life daily. I don't cry any longer, but laugh for the jokes he played, the wonderful father he was.
It's so fresh in your mind right now... but it will get easier. That I can promise.
Have to spread the rep J but I agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
The OP needs to talk to someone right now. I remember all too well how hard this is.
I hope she comes back, talking does help. Sometimes it's easiest to talk to strangers, we're faceless, you can say anything that's on your mind.
I know this site and the people in it have helped me through a lot of tough times, I'm more grateful then they'll ever know.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, it will get easier.
I too hope she comes back. I'm afraid she may have been scared away. She came for help, not people's criticism of each other.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
When my father died I was devastated. I was at work , about thirty miles away, and my mother called and told me that something had happened to him. She said he had a stroke, or a heart attack, but please come quick, but carefully. I prayed to GOD to please give me at least 5 minutes with him. When I got to the hospital, I found out he had died instantly of a massive heart attack. He and my mother were decorating the Christmas tree when he all of a sudden didn't feel good. He died right there on the den steps. The doctor said even if he was at the hospital when it happened , it wouldn't have helped. I wanted more than anything to tell him how much I loved him. I honestly don't remember the last time I told him that, but I do remember the last argument we had. He was a kind gentle, man who unfortunately was an alcoholic. My mother and he would verbally battle, nothing bad , just back and forth. Well, I was there when it happened once, and I took my mother's side, as usual. I saw him twice after that night, things were OK , but not really right. He died shortly after that. The things that I said were not ugly, but they were not the things I want in my head as being one of the last conversations we had. But, that's what I've got. That's what I have to live with . We both loved each other, he knew, I knew, and I have to hold on to that. He was my best man when I finally got married at 36. He died 1.5 years after that.He never got to meet my kids,never even knew that "we" were pregnant. But I'd like to think that he can see my boys . I hope he can see the tears on my cheeks right now. He made me the man I am now. I hope I grow into HALF the man he was.
I feel your pain, I truly do. But life does indeed go on. You have children, you said three right? Tell them that their grandmother loved them. Tell them stories of your childhood. Remember all the good times that you had with your mother, but don't break her heart by giving up. You know she wouldn't want that. Mourn, like you should. But carry on her traditions,her love, her joy. It's been 9 years since my father died, and a day doesn't go by that I don't think of him. Wishing I could hug his neck just once more. Time has helped , I promise it will get better. GOD bless you.
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