My boyfriend and I were together for three years. He is an alcoholic but not abusive or violent and is coherent most of the time (Most people wouldn't even guess). Having said that he has never worked in all the time we were together. He was the sole wage-earner when with his ex - supporting her and his two young children. Earlier this year he was sent to jail for six weeks and wrote to his family saying I was the best thing that happened to him and told me that the children and me were all that mattered, being inside for six weeks had helped him see sense and see things clearly and there was no way he was going back to his old ways. I paid for him to attend a second Allen Carr session to give up (he willingly did the first one). But he didn't go. He switched his phone off all that day and finished with me shortly after (just weeks after introducing me to his children, his dad and his grandmother for the first time - he had been estranged from them all before prison). We had also talked about having a child but he said he couldn't do it all over again. (His daughter is 12 and his son, eight. Straight after finishing with me he got together with a young mum of four. All the children are really young and he seems to have now taken them on. My question is is it the alcohol that has made him act like this? He was so loving, protective and affectionate towards me throughout our entire relationship and we really did connect on every level. Also if he is on benefits and she is a single 20-something year old mother of four will this relationship last? He didn't even pay the rent for his home. He claimed benefit and I made up the shortfall. I have now phoned the landlord saying no more in the hope that he will move in with her and the relationship will fall flat on its face. If he loved me in his six weeks of sobriety, is that the real side of him? I still have all his letters:(

He sounds like a very mixed up person at the minute. He has not treated you very well, nor his children, nor his family, and you sound very hurt which I can understand. Is it the alcohol? Who knows.. will his relationship work with this other person? Who knows? I doubt if he really knows himself.

It is very difficult to have a relationship with a practising alcoholic because they are not emotionally available to be in a relationship when they are actively using booze etc. They are a baffling lot so kind and considerate on one hand and absolutely diabolically unkind and inconsiderate on the other.

The thing is until he sobers up he isn't going to be much of a partner/support/father/family member to anyone on any level.

Get support for yourself and put your needs first.

He's a prisoner to his own desires (alcohol). It seems he uses others as meal tickets and temporary emotional stability.

Why did you date an alcoholic for 3 years? I'm not saying that alcoholics don't need love, too, but where you REALLY considering having a child with someone who sets such a bad example?

Who knows if it's the alcohol or not. If it is, he allowed it to rule him. If it's just him, he's a jerk.

I think you should feel lucky you were able to escape a potentially sticky and heartbreaking situation with children. Go out and find someone who will put YOU first, not some intoxicating beverage. Someone with a job, preferably, and with the mind to provide for you and your future children.

As for him, I would forget about him. I know it's hard; you dated him for a while, but seriously, cut all contact with him. No doubt he'll get tired of that girl that has kids and come crawling back to you, because you put up with his crap and his using ways for so long.

Respect yourself and disappear from his life, and find someone who thinks you're amazing, too.

You state he did not work all the time you were together. What was he - a gigilo? Sounds like it. Just because he was the sole wage earner to another woman and kids tells me that he is a USER of women if given a chance. Well, he took the chance and used you for 3 years.

There is no future with this guy. He has a permanent mistress called booze that he is not going to give up. He will use the new woman and discard her.

Why was he so loving you ask? Simple. Money, pure and simple. He's a game player. He conned you. All con men are loving and attentive to their next victim. How do you think they con them? The old saying "he could charm the birds out of the trees" would definitely be a good description of this jerk. You are definitely much better off without him. I would not give him another cent or pay any bill on his behalf or benefit. If you do, you will be falling right back into his smooth talking trap.

You might be surprised at how many families today have one or both parents being alcoholics. Oh well I should have said "social drinkers"... LOL
Anyway, if his drinking does not bring you or the kids down, than deal with it, otherwise changes need to be made by a responsible person...

I am not following something you said he got out of prison and got sober. You were still with him but he is seeing a mom of four but you haven't left him yet? And you are wondering if his soberity is --If he loved me in his six weeks of sobriety, is that the real side of him?
Wouldn't that be the same timeline that he was with this other woman?

I can tell you because I see it all the time for the past 18 yrs many guys that do not want to work hook up with women with children because it is more a guarantee that women with children will keep a roof over their head.
Often they are collecting welfare and other benefits.
They also know that these women cater to them just like having another kid and what's another mouth to feed.
Yes their relationship can last based on him receiving benefits. I know many couples where the girl is collecting welfare for her and her kids and her boyfriend is collecting disability.
Why do you hope it falls apart? He most likely won't come running back to you even if it does.

No Help - Got to spread around more love but I did want to say that I think both you and I really have pegged this boyfriend to a T. He's shopping around for his next meal ticket and as you so aptly pointed out any woman who has kids is a prime target for the likes of him as he wants to become another one of her "kids" and have a roof over his head. I've seen this scenerio myself first hand to know that sometimes the woman with the kids is literally blinded by all the attention of Mr. Jerk to see what he's really up to.

And I too, do not think he will be back unless it would be to try and weasel more money out of the OP.

He has a disease and he's not willing to find a cure. Why would you willingly be with someone like that?

Alcoholism is controllable, it's not cancer, it's not Aids, where the person doesn't have a choice. He has a choice, he's made it, it's alcohol.

If he loves you so much why is he with someone else?

He's not going to change until he's ready to change, if that ever happens.

Move on, find someone without so much baggage. He's not worth your time or money.

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Originally Posted by 0EntitY

You might be surprised at how many families today have one or both parents being alcoholics. Oh well I should of said "social drinkers"...LOL
Anyway, if his drinking does not bring you or the kids down, than deal with it, otherwise changes need to be made by a responsible person...

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There is a BIG difference between social drinking and alcoholism.

You might want to read a few articles on the subject.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

There is a BIG difference between social drinking and alcoholism.

You might want to read a few articles on the subject.

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I think Oentity totally misread. OP doesn't even have the kids and no longer the guy she is referring to

I've said it before and I'll say it again: people can only quit what they want to quit.

My sister dated an alcoholic. He stayed out of trouble(doesn't mean he was sober) for about a year. One night, he left his 5-year-old at home alone sleeping in her bed, while he took off to go drinking.

My stepkids' mother is also dating an alcoholic. The guy has 4 convictions for OWI. He stayed out of court for 3 years, until he was drunk and started shoving her around in front of the children. She makes the usual excuses: "He doesn't drink that often," "He wouldn't ever hurt the kids," etc. She doesn't realize that by witnessing his drunken behavior - violent or not - he is already hurting them.

I say move on.

Me again. Many thanks for all your answers. No Help - He and I finished and then he started seeing this woman. I haven't been seeing him while he was with her. He got out of prison in the middle of March and everything was fine for a couple of months but by the end of May he was drinking more than ever. I have found a great website called soberrecovery. Between the guys on there and you lot on here you've all really helped. Every post I read or write I feel like I'm building up my inner strength. Thanks again everyone xx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sclarke64448

Me again. Many thanks for all your answers. No Help - He and I finished and then he started seeing this woman. I haven't been seeing him while he was with her. He got out of prison in the middle of March and everything was fine for a couple of months but by the end of May he was drinking more than ever. I have found a great website called soberrecovery. Between the guys on there and you lot on here you've all really helped. Every post I read or write I feel like I'm building up my inner strength. Thanks again everyone xx

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I'm so glad to hear that.

Just remember, love may be blind, but it doesn't have to be deaf and stupid too.

You have a choice in all of this, and the best choice is to move on. He will bring you nothing but sorrow.

Keep us posted. We're here if you need to talk, vent, yell, scream, cry, whatever.

It's what we do. ;)