Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. Lately all we do is fight and argue about the pettiest things. He says that I don't communicate with him and I don't talk to him like I used to. The reason I can't is because I've caught him lying to me before and he lacks on showing me love and telling me things "girls want to hear" i.e.. O u look pretty today. I never hear that from him and I always bring it to his attention. But lately he has I guess I have a grudge against him that now he wants to show me all of that and he never did before. I don't know how to get rid of the grudge I find it really hard for me to talk to him or communicate with him when every time I do he always has something negative to say. He's the type to always think negative no matter what.. he says expect the worst and hope for the best.. I try to talk to him but every time I do I get nothing but negative feedback and I try telling him that I don't like it but he just doesn't seem to understand. I really want to work out our relationship but I can't communicate with him. Any tips on how I can communicate with him how to open up to him how to loose my grudge.

Write it down.
Write down everything you want to say,how you feel,what's changed in the relationship,the good and the bad..
Give him time to read it,and absorb it.

Then talk.
Let him ask you questions..
And listen. Don't speak when he does.. then you speak,and he listens..

Get back to basics.
Start with the letter,and then talk to each other.

When was the last time, you brought him up to your house/flat/home and but on some music and just lay in bed or on the sofa cuddling staring into each others eyes and just felt each other


Good music would be something like neil young or chris Isaac

I agree with writing it down. And if you are upset about something it sound never be an argument. It should be an adult conversation. Don't accuse; because the other person will just become defensive. Say something like: I know you don't mean to hurt my feelings, but when you _____ it makes me feel ______. Sometimes we don't even know that we are hurting a loved one's feelings until they blow up on us. Also. Always remember to pick your battles. Don't let those petty things turn into fights. Does it really matter who did the dishes last? Compromise and do them together if you can't agree. Sometimes; even when you think you are right.. you need to bow out of an argument. It's just not worth it!

Maybe you should get away and make things fresh again. Try a new activity together, go on a trip, or a hike. Bring something new into your relationship.

I have always foud that the two hardest things about communication are presenting your ideas in a tone that isn't challenging and also presenting your problems in the right words.

A way to do this would be to talk after a nice meal and practice what you want to say beforehand

It sounds to me like you're in a vicious cycle. You've been nagging him and criticizing him because he doesn't say the things you need to hear or do the things you want. He's withdrawn and grumpy, and now when you try and talk to him, he's playing hard to get.

Did it ever occur to you that you might do some things for him? Like let him know that you like him, that he looks good or that you enjoy his company, sense of humor, whatever?

These things tend to be reciprocal in relationships. You give to your partner and they give back.

First, stop with the nagging. Second, bring back some fun - do some things together and have a good time. Third, let him know you've been a bit stressed lately and apologize to him, tell him you've missed him and you want to shift the dynamic so that you both feel more comfortable and happy with each other.

Sometimes the best form of communication with guys is not to criticize or complain but to make them feel wanted, get out and do some things and act the way you want the relationship to be.

You tell him exactly what you told us. He doesn't know what you want because he isn't a mind reader and sometimes guys needs a little push to get the ball rolling.

The only thing is sees right now is your attitude and it is making him frustrated.

Time for the two of you to sit down and have a open discussion about your feelings and expections. Be prepare to talk and listen. When one person mouth is moving the other person mouth needs to be shut.

Start your sentences off with "I" instead of "You". For example, "I would appreciate it if you ____" instead of "you never ______". The way you come across is going make a big differences.

Then stop arguing over petty things because after all it takes two to argued. Arguing with yourself is no fun.

Good Luck!

You really do need to step back, and be a better listener. That's half the communications as listening and paying attention is how you know how he feels and it gives him room, and motive to tell his feelings. He is negative because your pushing to hard, trying to get too much. Stop arguing, and listen. Stop pushing and give him room to come to you because he is comfortable doing so. I think he is telling you things you need to know, but your so wrapped up in what you want, your not paying attention. Listen better.

The others have given you excellent tips on how to better communicate. But I'm going to point out another issue.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Queen3

he says that i dont communicate with him and i dont talk to him like i used to. the reason i can't is because ive caught him lying to me before and he lacks on showing me love and telling me things "girls want to hear"

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This shows us that you lost trust in him. No trust = no relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Queen3

i dont know how to get rid of the grudge i find it really hard for me to talk to him or communicate with him when every time i do he always has something negative to say.

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You've clearly given him chances to regain your trust. First, you got to use the communication tips that the others have given you. The relationship isn't going to repair itself. If you feel that he hasn't done enough to regain your trust, then the relationship is almost over.