Ask Me Help Desk - Is he to be trusted?

I met this 59 year old man through a dating agency. He is an airline pilot and lives 100+ miles way from me. The thing is we laugh together and get on very well. We met in April and have been seeing each other as much as is possible. He is everything I ever wanted - except I don't trust him. He keeps saying I have the body of a 30 year old even though I am 55 which makes me think he has obviously been going out with a much younger woman and that makes me feel uncomfortable. He is divorced due to his job, he says. I am a widow, have my own house and manage fairly well but when he comes to my house he brings all his washing and doesn't pay anything towards the food. He rarely takes me out and if he actually pays for a meal he expects me to pay next time. I earn a quarter of what he makes. All he says is there are a lot of woman out there expecting men to pay for them. Well I'm not one of them!
He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I just can't believe him - I don't know why. He is in the company of many women much younger and no doubt much more attractive than I. He wants to talk finances he says this coming September, as he is 60 and we are to decide on how we are going to live together and where. He says he is retiring at the age of 62 well that may be okay for him as he also gets a police pension as well as his salary. I don't have a pension in my own right other than a small pension from my late husband. I own my own home but if I sell it what would I have. He said we will discuss whether I live with him in his own house which is on a small island off the coast of Lands End or whether we buy something together and live somewhere here, and would I mind if it is his house? If I live with him in his house I wouldn't have any money, how would I get to the mainland as there isn't much to do on the island other than walk; he says I could have my family and friends over which is very nice of him to say - as I wouldn't expect anything less. He hasn't offered marriage even though he says he "worships the ground I walk on" I just don't trust him but as I previously said - he is everything I ever wanted - apart from his tight fistedness!

He says his rota can change just like that - August he tells me now is going to be difficult in other words I won't be seeing much of him that month. He sends me texts which are really quite sickly - darling, sweetheart, forever my love etc etc but no gifts. He owns his own plane, 2 houses and has an interest in another. I don't understand him - perhaps it is because I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years before ending it this January and just can't trust men at the moment. All I know is that when he is away I feel he is socializing with his female cabin crew - I heard one call his name at his room door a few weeks ago over the phone and he made light of it!

All his clothes seem to be appearing at my house - he even brought a black plastic sack full of dirty washing. I don't know whether he thinks he is being good to me because he took me to his house on the island for 3 days - he flew me there. But I bought all the food whilst there and it is not cheap either!

He is on about me selling my house but if I do that I won't have anything. I don't feel I can talk to him about my finances - its too soon. Surely he must know that I cannot possibly be in the money. He also loves me to stroke his hair all the time and body - not that he does it back to me. My daughter says he is utterly vain and selfish.

If I could only trust him then perhaps we could work things out together but how do I learn to trust him. Or better still, find out if he is worthy of my trust. This may prove rather difficult as he lives 100+ miles away and is off on his plane a fair bit.

I would appreciate your comments on this as I was in a very loving marriage for 32 years until my husband died 4 years ago and have had very little experience in relationships.

Thank you very much for reading this.

He sounds like a truck driver I know. I had to go with my gut instinct. ->except I don't trust him

He keeps saying I have the body of a 30 year--probably means nothing more than he wants to flatter you.

He is divorced due to his job--that happens with policemen and pilots more than any profession but he is planning on retiring in two years.

He brings all his washing-maybe he hates doing laundry or he is looking for a mom figure or a maid

Doesn't pay anything towards the food. He rarely takes me out and if he actually pays for a meal he expects me to pay next time.-he may just be testing you to make sure you aren't interested more in his money or he may be a tight wad. If he is a tight wad it usually only gets worse.

I think he sounds like he is going to end up wanting you to go along with HIS decisions or else you will be miserable.
When he is ready to discuss finances and brings selling your house up tell him that his money is his, you have your house. You are not ready to sell your house anymore than he is ready to hand over his money.

Go with your gut cause something does seem like they all lead to ONE red flag.

Don't trust him! He sound manipulative and a user! Did you confirm with the airline that he is actually a pilot! If you choose to live with him. Keep your home, your bank account, add his name to nothing! Do not sell your home. If he chooses to live with you he at least must pay half. Tell him when he comes home you wish to go out and have some fun. Also if he wants his wash done at your house he is to do it.

I agree with the above comments, he sounds as though he could be leading a double or triple life and being 100 miles away makes it all very convenient. Follow your gut instincts because it sounds as though you already think something similar and so does your daughter.
Whatever happens don't let him have access to your accounts, make you sell your house or treat you like a cha lady with washing etc. he should be paying more and preening himself less. Proceed with caution is my advice!

Always in life, one should trust one's intuition. Trust yours.

Something is not right and you know it. Listen to your doubts and don't dismiss them.

Don't let him within 1000 miles of your finances - I suspect he's a con man, and I don't say this lightly. Let him know you don't want to make any joint decisions, and that for now your finances will remain separate.

Finally, stop doing his washing. What are you, his mother? Just leave it in the black plastic sack at the door.

He's not worthy of your trust and has already proved this. He's a user and a liar - I would take back some control and dump him.

Hi nessyjoy_10,
You have a fancy boy friend, and I understand you are in worry. Here is my opinion as a woman who married after 2 years of long distance relationship. (By the way, I am very happy, and my husband is the best thing happen to me.)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1842219

Overall, your relationship is pretty new, and you need to get to know him far more before you make any financial & marital decisions. In my theory, I do not want to live with anyone without marriage, I do not want to marry anyone before I dated less than a year. More importantly, I strongly believe all women in any age need to be FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT in any circumstances in these days! It is a happy formula in my book.

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he keeps saying I have the body of a 30 year old even though I am 55 which makes me think he has obviously been going out with a much younger woman and that makes me feel uncomfortable. .

He is a good talker and try to make you feel good. He has been divorced, a legally single, and he SHOULD dated many women. Would you like to date a man no other women like to date? You cannot control his past. Please focus on the PRESENT. In fact, every woman in any age group is beautiful. You cannot have the fresh face like 20 yr old girl, (I am not in 20's either) but has wisdom and confidence. It is a different beauty. He is obviously attracted and into you, otherwise he would not spend that much time with you. Be confident and keep taking care of yourself beautiful. You are the unique woman nobody can resemble.

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when he comes to my house he brings all his washing and doesn't pay anything towards the food. He rarely takes me out and if he actually pays for a meal he expects me to pay next time. I earn a quarter of what he makes. All he says is there are a lot of woman out there expecting men to pay for them. Well I'm not one of them!. I don't know whether he thinks he is being good to me because he took me to his house on the island for 3 days - he flew me there. But I bought all the food whilst there and it is not cheap either!

You have conflict statements here, and I am confused. If you do not want him to pay anything for you, why are you complaining here? I think he considers himself as guest who visits you, not living with you. So, he is not paying his food when he comes. He expect you pay half and half when you guys go out. It is common in these days. Maintaining an airplane is very expensive. He flew there for you, and it is fair to say that you pay for food. You are not comfortable because he is not paying for his food when he is in your house, but you are complaining you have to pay for food while you were in his island. Conflict... Let's be honest. Are you looking for a knight who will take care of you for the rest of your life? It will not happen easily in these days for any age group of women. Let's be realistic.

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He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I just can't believe him - I don't know why. .

You have NOT kwon him too long, and he is telling you TOO MUCH TOO SOON, and he is keep traveling. You should be cautious and be careful. Your gut feeling says that you cannot trust him, then it is a big issue. There are so many web sites which provides background check up service you can try just for in case if you cannot trust him. Gather information from his friends, and family. Do not believe what he is saying, but what is act is saying.

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He owns his own plane, 2 houses and has an interest in another. I don't understand him

It is his life style. My husband is a businessman, has a small airplane for fun for weekend. Nothing is wrong here. Although do you think you are compatible with his interest? If you cannot understand his interest, you cannot enjoy him that much in long run.

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All his clothes seem to be appearing at my house - he even brought a black plastic sack full of dirty washing. .

I do not understand why it is bad. He thinks you are his girlfriend, and trusts you enough to bring his clothes. When I dated my husband, he came back to me directly from his business trip Friday, and he has to go to work Monday from my house. So, over weekend, we did laundry together and made trips to dry cleaners, and had so much fun. Do you want him to take care of his laundry by himself and show you only flowers?? Do you want him to bring his dirty clothes to another woman? I do not understand... What are you expecting really?

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He is on about me selling my house but if I do that I won't have anything. .

It is a red flag. He is telling you TOO MUCH TOO SOON. However, men have a tendency to say anything to catch girl's heart, before they make actual plan. Take it as an indicator he is that much interested in you to say the word, but do not take it further or seriously. You are trying to get any signs from him, and take it too seriously. You do not know him too much, and please slow down. By the way, you SHOULD NOT SELL your house BEFORE YOU MARRY ANYONE & HAVE TO SELL for a specific reason. It seems your house is the major part of your retirement plan. Please do not make any decision here. There is no reason you have to sell your house to be with him. You can rent your house to generate monthly income, and try to live with him if you like to do it badly. However, he will fly some place else all the time for years, and what will make you happy in the arrangement? If I am you, I will not do anything, but enjoy his company until he settles down.

I hope it helps. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by winding200

You have conflict statements here, and I am confused. If you do not want him to pay anything for you, why are you complaining here? I think he considers himself as guest who visits you, not living with you. So, he is not paying his food when he comes. He expect you pay half and half when you guys go out. It is common in these days. Maintaining an airplane is very expensive. He flew there for you, and it is fair to say that you pay for food. You are not comfortable because he is not paying for his food when he is in your house, but you are complaining you have to pay for food while you were in his island. Conflict... Let's be honest. Are you looking for a knight who will take care of you for the rest of your life? It will not happen easily in these days for any age group of women. Let's be realistic.

There is no conflict here.
Even though she doesn't want a dime from him she still has the right to feel that he could contribute some of the cost of his expense especially if it is digging into her pocket book.

Like she says she will make spaghetti for dinner and he says he wants wine and caviar with the spaghetti dinner then he should offer to bring the wine and caviar.
Or if he is eating her out of house and home then he should bare the brunt of it.
He is using her water and her labor to get his laundry done. He should offer to pay a percentage of the water bill.
While she doesn't want a dime from him she may also want the balance of what he is costing her over what she can afford on him.

I would no longer consider him a guest once he brought laundry over more than once.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I would no longer consider him a guest once he brought laundry over more than once.

You have a good point. If it is burden for her, and it is not fair.

I assumed that he occasionally does something for return not as the monthly bill payment. He should return her favor for any formation. I will need clarification. How much is costing you to keep this arrangement actually, nessyjoy_10? How much is he spending on you? Isn't he paying anything at all?

He does things for her but I think it is more a matter of feeling like he is treating her like a maid or a mommy do this for me more than the fact of the money itself and not showing consideration. He could spend millions on her and her still feel this way because of lack of consideration to her.

I think you should see the things you are uncomfortable with as red flags into his nature, and if it cannot be resolved through talking about it, I wouldn't get any deeper. I see a lot of things to talk about in this case.

How long have you been together?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

He does things for her but I think it is more a matter of feeling like he is treating her like a maid or a mommy do this for me more than the fact of the money itself and not showing consideration. He could spend millions on her and her still feel this way because of lack of consideration to her.

You have a point again. Great insight.