Ask Me Help Desk - Pregnant and Want a Divorce?

My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary this month. Boy, I sure didn't think we were going to make it, but we did and I have so many mixed emotions. I am 5 months pregnant with my 1st child, this will be his 4th, and I am really considering leaving. Let me explain a little of the past and what is going on now. I am hoping I can receive advice from someone out there other than my family and friends, Here goes... I met my husband 2 years ago at a hole in the wall bar. I never go to those sorts of places, but an old friend there heard there was a good country band playing, so we went. I fell for the musician (singer) in seconds. We ended up dating a few weeks and shortly there after, we moved in together. Now, his only job was not a musician, he had a great career,so I was treated to all sorts of things I have never done and he actually paid for it, for once in my life! It was love. After talking for awhile he told me that his separation from his wife would not be final for another year nearly, since there was a mistake on the divorce papers, which hurt me, but I agreed to stay. I mean we were already sharing an apt. Then stories started coming out! He had originally told me he had 1 son and had only been married once. Come to find out, (from sources other than him), he had been married twice and had 2 other children. When I confronted him, he denied it, but eventually told me the truth months later that what I had heard was true. He said he didn't want to tell me because of it being bad times in his life. Around the same time frame, he started asking me to make purchaes in my name. Said he didn't want to use his name on big purchases, cause she would get it all in the divorce,so I agreed, with him making me monthly notes. I brought all music equipment, a harley, expensive trips, etc. About $40,000.00 worth in stuff. He quit his job shortly after to be a full time musician and I got stuck with the notes. He turned into a mean person. Accusing me of cheating constantly, calling me names, throwing things (which I threw back), and many nights just drunk and not coming home. I pleaded with him to find work and finally 6 months later he did. I was so behind on bills that I did debt consolidation. I was finally getting back on track-sort of. That summer he asked me to marry him and I said yes, since things were back to normal finally, but I think I was in la-la land. Shortly after the wedding, the fights got worse and more violent.. He never hit me, but he broke so many things and shoved me in walls, threw me down. He was lying about spending money and being out. Not all was bad, but there was times I just hated him. Decemeber last year, I finally had no choice but to file bankruptcy. We moved into a cheaper place. Now he had a job, but the offshore industry was so slow that the income had gone down about $4000.00/month again and we were back to square one. 3 weeks after moving into our new place (this was March-09) I found out I was pregnant and he was laid off the same week. He drank, went out, blew his severance pay, accused me of getinng pregnant on purpose, because he didn't want any kids. He has pushed me, threw things again, and 1 night eventually slepped my face. He has not worked since March, besides his music again and I am stuck with all the bills again. My bankruptcy will soon be complete and they will come take my car and anything else they want. He loses nothing really. He had grown so temperamental and selfish that I don't know what to do. He missed my 1st and only ultrasound because he was mad at me. He didn't even come home that night. He has hurt me so many times, more meotionally than anything, however, I still feel a pull to him. I do love him, but I hate him in the same apsect. I have lots of anger for lettiing myself be stupid enough to stay. Our baby is due in Dec and I an just not sure I want to be with him now. I honestly feel that I would be better off financially and emotionally without him, but I don't want to deprive our child of his father. Now my husband says things will be different, but when? I have been waiting for this difference is some time now. Am I being crazy to believe that it will be different? Am I being overly dramatic? I don't even know what to feel or think. I know he has a good side to him, but it's rare I see it anymore. Please, if someone has any advise, I would greatly appreciate it!

Your going for him because he spent money on you--thats not love
Him reluctant to tell you his past-borderline of understanding
Him telling you to put everything in his name-no problem IF you were in a GOOD relationship
Him being violent--bye bye
There is NO excuse to stay in abuse.
You should have done been gone!!

There seems to be a lot of mistrust in this relationship. He kept his children hidden and you only found out one at the time. So who knows what else he's been hiding?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kenron123

I honestly feel that I would be better off financially and emotionally without him, but I don't want to deprive our child of his father. Now my husband says things will be different, but when? I have been waiting for this difference is some time now. Am I being crazy to believe that it will be different?

This is where YOU are the boss. YOU decide if there is sufficient progress. He's the one who broke your trust, so you are in control. If he doesn't repair the trust, then you demand more from him. You can suggest going to marriage counselling to help save the marriage.

If he cannot provide what you want, then you leave. He cannot control you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kenron123

Am I being overly dramatic?

It's possible, because we might not know the entire story. But marriages are suppose to be happy and hard work from both sides. You seem very unhappy and he's not putting in the effort that you want. So that's definitely an unhealthy marriage.

Like you said, you want to put your child's best interest first. But an unhappy mother is definitely not in the child's best interest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kenron123

I dont even know what to feel or think. I know he has a good side to him, but it's rare I see it anymore.

You're just hanging on to the few good things left. But the bad things completely outweigh the good things.

Bottom line, if he doesn't provide what you want in a healthy marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways. There's no reason for you to suffer.

Honey listen to yourself for a minute . You can't be seriously considering staying with this person, because honey believe it he is absolutely no (MAN)!

O.k. We have all at some point in our life been stuck in a completely blind state and did not see what was right in front of our face for so long . So that really is not your fault he just snuck under your radar & it happens.

However this guy lied to you over and over again starting with his X'S AND sorry but for him to describe his past w/ his X's as being miserable that's fine and dandy , but he had kids and he did not mention them which meant he classified his children the same way (as a miserable part of his past) A Huge Sign , He is not going to be a good father (heck) he can't even be a good person.

He then suckered you into to making purchases , that I am sorry no (Man) is going to have his lady to purchase anything for him. She does it cause she wants to.So the fact that he asked was a give a way (big time).

Then the guy has the nerve to lay hands on you honey (look here) shoving you into a wall ,and throwing you down is still laying hands on you it is still an act done in rage and that is never good (you should have left) !

Never should have accepted that proposal please you had to have seriously ignored everything your gut was telling you , because I know that you felt the (this is a mistake) feeling you sometimes get when you really know something's off.

Then he accused you of getting pregnant on purpose REALLY! Some one needs to tell this guy that when you don't want kids you do all you can to make sure you don't create them and obviously he never got past that part in SexEd (condoms) work.

So where he gets off saying that to you is beyond me! He then slaps you in the face and your pregnant and he knows this (OMG) Honey please get away from this guy he is no good seriously he has done nothing good with this time and he is only going to drag you down with him and soon he will be dragging both you and your baby down .
Don't let him be your black hole. You two don't need him , but that baby needs you and if you can't make that move for you make that move for your baby . You are that baby's first and only line of defense and you should protect that baby even if you can't protect yourself.

He is no husband , he is no father , he is no man what else do you need . I think that you should get away from him and do it as quickly as you can. Do what you need to do! You will be all right but staying with him should not be in the plans to even consider .

What happens if and when he hits you again , because there will be a next time there clearly already was , and it is a more substantial blow or turns his rage on your child just think his violent behavior even though it was not frequent when it did present itself it has upgraded from shoving to slapping You never know what is next and you should not stick around to find out.

I wish you and your baby the best of luck and I hope you make decisions that not only will be good for you both , but that will also benefit you both.

If you would take a blank piece of paper and write down on the left side all the bad stuff he's done to you and then on the right side of the paper write down the good stuff he's done for you. I am quite sure the left side will be very long and the right side will probably be less than 5 items.

If you do leave him most states will not let you get divorced until after the child is born. You can file for divorce after you have him, but the final decree will not be granted until after the child is born. This way you can get the child support and custody written into your divorce paperwork. The Courts prefer to do it this way.

I would be out the door and miles away from this guy. The only thing he's going to change is probably his underwear and nothing else. He talks a great game and you fell for it. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't think you are dumb either for falling for his line. He's probably quite a con man and you are not his first easy mark. He sounds like he's had plenty of practice on other women.

I don't think that there there is anything good to write about this guy either - you've said it all really:

He lies to you about really important stuff and denies it when you ask him about it.
He uses your money, under false pretenses, and now you're financially bankrupt.
He drinks and accuses you of cheating.
He's rude and calls you names.
He slaps you, shoves and bullies you.
He's mean spirited, emotionally unavailable and uncaring.
He lives off you and feels that he's entitled to.

This man is not marriage or relationship material. He's a user, an abuser and a parasite. Look at the pattern - he's not going to change! Two failed marriages already and three children.

Sadly, you've now created a life long connection to him by having his child. Good luck with getting any support of any kind from him - I'm sure his other children don't get much either.

Run for the hills on this one - leave him to his twisted Peter Pan complex, and look after yourself and your child. Believe me, he won't be long in finding another woman to fill his sexual and financial needs.

You and your unborn child are the priority - leave him to his negative, squalid life.

Run like hell! You can't get a divorce until after the baby is born (At least not in any state I have ever lived in) but that shouldn't stop you from getting out of there! None of what you posted sounds healthy. He was still married when you got together? He's gotten physical with you? Seriously, do some good for yourself and get out of that situation, get your child from that situation. He may have been great before, but he sure isn't now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I don't think that there there is anything good to write about this guy either - you've said it all really:

He lies to you about really important stuff and denies it when you ask him about it.
He uses your money, under false pretenses, and now you're financially bankrupt.
He drinks and accuses you of cheating.
He's rude and calls you names.
He slaps you, shoves and bullies you.
He's mean spirited, emotionally unavailable and uncaring.
He lives off you and feels that he's entitled to.

This man is not marriage or relationship material. He's a user, an abuser and a parasite. Look at the pattern - he's not going to change! Two failed marriages already and three children.

Sadly, you've now created a life long connection to him by having his child. Good luck with getting any support of any kind from him - I'm sure his other children don't get much either.

Run for the hills on this one - leave him to his twisted Peter Pan complex, and look after yourself and your child. Believe me, he won't be long in finding another woman to fill his sexual and financial needs.

You and your unborn child are the priority - leave him to his negative, squalid life.

I quite agree with you Gemini on this one. He's a number one user of women. He only cares for his selfish self and could care less about how many kids he has or how many women he uses. One day, hopefully, he will get what is coming to him and spend some "quality time" in prison. I can only hope on this one but sooner or later those types do go to prison. His karma definitely will catch up to him with the power of a freight train.

Right now you are wondering what to do without him. That is natural. You don't know how to act without him telling you what to do. That is natural as well. Well, what were you doing with your life before you met this creep? You were making your own decisions and living your own life. You don't need him. He needs you and your money and credit to survive. Once he's used you up, he's going to toss you aside into the reject pile and go shopping for a new sugar mama.

One more
YOUR leaving his sorry @$$ behind in the dust--PRICELESS

Get out now, there is many more lies that he has, I guarantee. My ex-husband was, was like that in some ways, but he never had money to begin with. I was miserable for years and he was very angry and always yelling,he was both mentally and phsically abusive (more mental abuse than anything) VERY VERY lazy, never even changed a diaper and we had two daughters, even after they were born he didn't change for the better, when my oldest daughter was in the first grade and she came to me and asked me why I wouldn't leave dad, I decided it was time to go. That made me have the guts to leave him when I knew it was enough of a problem for a 7 year old to recognise. After our divorce he went after custoday of the kids (he thought this would get me back) I never thought I could loose. But he lied to the quardian ad-litem and he won custoday of my kids. I should also say I gave him everything in the divorce, (the house, everything in it except a few pieces of furniture that had been given to us by my parents, I took half of the bills, paid for all of the attorney fees. I did get a motorhome which I sold for 3K. He still would not sign the divorce papers so I offered him 2K to sign them, under the condition he signed the papers within two weeks. He signed the papers on the last day, and told me afterwords that he would have never signed the papers. I asked him why and his response was just to be a . I did get my girls back but it took 3 years, now I have them and get $157.00 child support. I am going after a raise in child support the state has already said he should be paying me almost 1K more a month. Now he has submitted a letter to them with more lies and why he shouldn't pay so much child support. Better you get out now, while you can and the baby doesn't know any better, with any luck you will find someone you desearve and loves your child like their own. Being alone is better than being in that situation. I have been in a few relationships since my divorce, haven't found Mr. Right yet. But, I would rather be alone than with someone that treats me like that.

Sweetheart,I rarely encourage anyone to leave and never look back.. but I am with you.

Some people are just users and liars and manipulators and you happened to fall for one.

I hope you have a good support network,people who will be there for you,he won't.

You have gotten great advice from everyone here.

Stay strong!
I am a single mother survivor and my men today are cool and fine and you can be a great single mother.!
Its true!