Ask Me Help Desk - I love my girl but do you think I should just move on?

I've been with my girlfriend for two years. We split up for about a month in our first year, because I just couldn't be with her anymore. I loved her but there were little differences between us that just got too much for me. She's a caring and kind hearted girl but I felt our relationship was one sided, I seemed to be doing all the leg work in our relationship. There were things I thought I'd forgiven her for but that still irked me deep inside. For example, I was in hospital for 5 days and because she didn't want to leave the people at work short staffed, she never came to see me, even though my ex-girlfriend did. She also told me soon after I left hospital that she worried I wouldn't be able to take care of her because I was always ill, which didn't really help. So we broke up but got back together because I still loved her and missed her.

Roll on year two. We broke up again at almost exactly the same time as the year before. This time it was because I felt she didn't respect me as a man, she was selfish and inconsiderate with money and I just didn't feel she loved me. Examples, got her a few things for Christmas that set me back a bit, because I've just finished university, and she was angry with me because I didn't buy her a Christmas card. Couldn't find a card with the right message so didn't get her one and I told her this but she wasn't having it. Felt a bit under-appreciated but just shoved it in a corner. Even though we make about the same and at times was too broke to pay she'd still make me pay for stuff as I'm the man. I skipped lunch at work so I could go see her early at her house. She was cooking food for her family but never offered me any and gave a packet of crisps and cheese and onion pasty. Then fell asleep on the couch leaving me to watch TV even though we hadn't seen each other that week. Didn't feel like she loved me, more the idea of me. The final straw was when she went on holiday with her mum, around Feb this year. I made efforts to call her every night but she never really spoke to me and was always gone after 2 minutes even though it was costing me a fortune just to phone her. So I broke up with her while she was on holiday.

She phoned my family and asked them to make me take her back, saying she'd changed. I still loved her, so I did. She seemed to be more loving and has really changed but other things are still the same. She still expects me to pay for everything even after I've just spent huge amounts on other things and her. We went on holiday which is normally a 50-50 thing but she never paid me her half and still expects to pay for other things. I don't think she's attracted to me sexually. And even the kisses are lukewarm. We went on holiday and had sex twice. In three days. I'm 25 and have a high sex drive but she just isn't interested. She never cuddles me unless I make a move and we really seem more like friends than people in love.

I do love her but I'm not happy. I'm a good looking guy and I'm a really nice person and I think she only wants to be with me because there are not that many decent guys around. I hate saying I love you these days as I don't think I'm being too truthful. I'm not the perfect guy and I know I have my faults too but I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is her family loves me and her mum has already accepted me as a future son-in-law. She talks about us getting married and I'm sure I could endure it but I don't want to be enduring marriage, it's for the rest of my life right?

What do I do? I don't want to hurt her and I do love her but I just feel like we are not right for each other. I'm just not sure how to go on.

Thank you for reading my essay, please help.

Craig.

I can understand not wanting to leave work to visit you at the hospital because it is her job.

BUT in general she sounds like she looks at everything from a self centered perspective.

Anybody that I have ever known that was as self centered as she sounds can not be reasoned with.
People either deny their faults or they are so stuck in their habits and their personality that they can not make changes.
She wants you to bend over backwards for her but what about you!
You are letting your emotions of your time invested in her over rule the cons to being in this relationship. Of course you are going to have strong feelings for her because you HAVE been in a LTR with her. But break up means leaving, NC, getting over them, healing and MOVING ON. You are running back instead of working on the process to get over her.
She is self centered, its all about her, so she is NOT going to 'get it' you will continue in this cycle for years before you wake up and get out if you don't make a conscious effort to do so NOW.

You need to find somebody that truly LOVES YOU. Then you will be thankful you got out.
Quit wasting your time.

Sit her down. Tell her you do love her a lot. But...

Then proceed to tell her how you feel in a good and calm manner. Do not blame her at all. Rather focus on your faults etc.

If she does not open up after a day or two, then yes it is only coming from your side and you are doing all the work. Thus it will then be better to just move on.

Thanks a lot for the advice, N0help and LJDK. It makes sense and I think I know what I have to do. I just wish it didn't hurt, like there was some sort of break-up Morphine.

Thanks again.

Not being right for each other =years of misery

Wish you the best of luck. Take comfort in the fact that you will find someone better suited for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdavison

I do love her but I'm not happy.

I'm going to be honest. That line stood out to me. I think you know what you need to do, it's taking the next step that's the hardest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdavison

I do love her but I'm not happy. I'm a good looking guy and I'm a really nice person and I think she only wants to be with me because there are not that many decent guys around. I hate saying I love you these days as I don't think I'm being too truthful. I'm not the perfect guy and I know I have my faults too but I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is her family loves me and her mum has already accepted me as a future son-in-law. She talks about us getting married and I'm sure I could endure it but I don't want to be enduring marriage, it's for the rest of my life right?

What do I do? I don't want to hurt her and I do love her but I just feel like we are not right for each other. I'm just not sure how to go on.

Thank you for reading my essay, please help.

Craig.

Also you have to be true to yourself. Otherwise you are not only going to not love her but over time you will come to resent even looking at her for being so self centered.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdavison

She phoned my family and asked them to make me take her back, saying she'd changed. I still loved her, so I did. She seemed to be more loving and has really changed but other things are still the same. .

This shows that not only is she all about herself but it also shows she is immature, manipulative and just plain does not get it. You do not involve family members to be a third party in your relationship problems. She may have been trying to lay a guilt trip on you and make you feel obligated to taking her back since it was your family she USED as a go between.

If your not happy then leave.

Your girlfriends sounds spoiled and doesn't compromise. She only cares about her needs and wants.

I don't care how short staffed her workplace was at the time you were in the hospital. She could have made time to see you. She didn't work 24 hours. Her compassion for you is shameful.

You need to start putting yourself first instead of her because you can rely on her. A realationship should never feel onesided. You do everything in your power to make her happy but she doesn't do the same for you. Instead she makes you feel down and out--not good.

It doesn't seems like nothing changed from the first break-up a year ago and she will never change. I don't even think talking to her about your feelings will change anything because she is already set in her ways.

A relationship is suppose to be fun with it up and downs but this relationship just seems like hard work without getting a paycheck--not good. A relationship isn't base on how much money you should spend on her or about what gifts you can provide her with because your not her personal bank account. You shouldn't feel pressure the way you do.

The two of you are different and the two of you are like oil and water--you won't mix. Go out and find your happiness with someone else who would appreicate you and not after your what is in your wallet. You deserve it! All females aren't like her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdavison

She was cooking food for her family but never offered me any and gave a packet of crisps and cheese and onion pasty.

I'm sorry, but that did make me laugh :P

At the end of the day, she doesn't seem to appreciate what she has. You pay for most things, make the effort, and really put thought into things. We're similar in regard to the card thing; I really don't see the point in spending £5 on a piece of card that doesn't express how I really feel, and yet buying a £1 card is seen as "thrifty" and cheap, no matter how much money you've spent, and how much thought you've put into the presents.

The ill thing strikes a chord with me too. She felt that she couldn't stand by me the times that I was ill, as she wasn't my wife "or anything like that". Talk about a blow.

The lukewarm kisses and general lack of affection sound like a bit of a red flag to me. She sounds spoilt & manipulative, and unfortunately it doesn't seem as if she's willing to change. The only way that she can probably change is through herself, and it does appear that nothing you do will change that.

The fact that you know that you're not right for each other should tell you something.

It doesn't seem like she loves you the way you love her. She loves you in a self-centered, needy, free-loading way. You love her because you think she deserves a decent guy.
If you don't have the guts to break up with her, the next time she breaks up with you, don't take her back.

Threads merged

Me and my ex broke up. We saw each other two weeks later and we sort of decided to get back together as we still loved each other. I knew we couldn't be together as even though I loved her, we just weren't right for each other so we took some time apart, to decide what the way forward was. I found someone else, or a girl I liked, during this period.

When my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

If she is your ex ,its nothing to do with her.

If you are still together its really up to you if you should tell her,she will be hurt,but really your decision.

Should you question your honesty with her if your still together?

Your post was not clear if you were together or not.

If your not together,you have your own life now,and do not have to inform her of your romantic choices.

Okay first off if you loved each other you wouldn't have had a break, and you would not have found someone else. And you should be honest with her, and tell her that you are now interested in someone else, instead of just leading her along. Its unfair for her to think you still like her when you are interested in someone else.

I also wonder: are you together now, or are you broke up ? My impression from your post is that you're still on a break...

If you are broken up and she is indeed your x then this is none of her business.

if you are on a break and haven't really broken up (and made it final), then I would break up with her...

Tell her. Whether you're together or not. If she asks then tell her the truth. If she's mad never mind it's not like you cheated on her as you weren't together and if you're together well honesty is the best policy in relationships and in general tbh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdavison

When my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

The first girl isn't an "ex" and neither are you until both of you know the relationship is over.

You need to make things final with one girl before moving on to the next. It almost sounds like you want to keep the first girl on hold in case the new one doesn't work out. Never a good idea.

Do you really want her to hear from a third party that you have "moved on"? If you thought the relationship was a possibility would you want to hear from her new boyfriend that she "moved on" without telling you?

You should tell the truth, but only if you believe it yourself. The fact that you broke up, and then got back together, and then broke up again sends a very clear message that you aren't sure what you want.

My boyfriend apparently thought he was on a break from his girlfriend when he met me, but she didn't think so. She thought I was just the "fling" and that they could work things out. I've realized that women have a desperate way of holding on to men longer than they should.

I think you've found someone you "like", but who really knows if it's going to work out. Maybe your ex found someone she "likes" but if it doesn't work out, you two can get back together for a bit again.

Quote:

when my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

The truth!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, everyone. I told the truth and we are out of each other's lives now.

Relationships!