Ask Me Help Desk - Don't understand hubby

Hello,
Ive been married to my husband for a yr already but sometimesI feel like I am more in love with him than he is with me.. Most of the times I am the one who gets worried not only that but also I've noticed that Iam the one doing all chores and always carressing him.. What I mean by carressing is that I am always the one cuddleling or even tinkleling while watching a movie or something.. Dont get me wrong there are times were he also does the same thing back but I've noticed that he expects me to do it more.. And when I confront him about it he then at times does it only cause I told him not cause it comes within like me.. Anyways I noticed also that when we are together intimately he always wants to do the same position and or routine.. I have mentioned to him to do something exciting and different position but his excuse is that he has a problem getting it hard if not done quickly.. He also told me that the other positions that Iam asking for won't work cause Iam too tall in height and it'll be difficult.. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to please himself and not think about me.. We bearly even kiss during sex he says its cause it isn't suppose to be that way.. We are nearly weds and sometimes I would like it more than just once a day but I ve seen that he doesn't ask for it that much-once he got it for the day its over.. Sometimes I even wonder if he would have been the same way with his ex(if you read my other posts you see what I have gone through with this man).. I know this might sound stupid but sometimes I wish I were like her-Not so long ago I caught him once again chatting with his ex and telling her how obsessive Ive gotten checking not only through his emails and incoming calls but also through her profiles in Facebook etc. The only reason why I would do that its cause I honestly don't trust him and I think its always been that way since we met I was just too blind to see it... The trust issue got more worst when I first found out that he was sending emails to his ex wanting to go visit her talk online or phone.. He even told her that I was the jealouse type (this happened when we were dating but I noticed that even after we got married he didn't delete his ex email from his contacts) We got into a huge argument when I found out that he had a hidden email and was chatting with her behind my back-I was so close on leaving him for good until he told me that he wouldn't do it again.. that he didn't care about her only me.. So I gave him another chance, but I am still worried -I even wonder that he probably just got married to me just cause he was lonely.. I would like him to worry a little bit more about me.. I feel so damaged on everything that has happened and what he's done that I found out.. I don't know what to think of him anymore, I don't know if he is lying to me or telling me the truth.. Will I ever trust him again? Ive tried communicating with him about our intimacy issue but all it ends up is in a argument-he tells me that I make him feel less of a man.. I don't know what feelings he has towards me but there are sometimes I see him thinking and wonder if he is thinking about his past---this is how bad I ve got it.. any suggestions?

Well, girl, you are your own worst enemy! You said, "he tells me that i make him feel less of a man..I dont know what feelings he has towards me"... Why do you think he feels less of a man and doesn't feel romantic with you, since, after all, you only go through and open his mail, check his cell phone calls and messages, is suspicious of him every minute of every day, don't trust him and tell him so, you are demanding that he charge up your sex life.

YOU are setting him up for failure. YOU are the demanding one. YOU are driving him away. YOU are pushing him into her arms. YOU are the problem in this relationship.

It takes two. You are half of this marriage. So, it isn't all you.

You two would probably benefit from marriage counseling.

Him saying that you make him feel like less of a man? I think he's full of it. Why? Because he sounds like a selfish boy from what you've described. He sounds manipulative but that's just my feeling. However, when you approach him with issues do you assume that it's him that needs change or both of you?

It takes two. Communication and change needs to come from both sides. What do you want from a lifelong commitment? What does he want and expect? Ask him.

You can continue to look for blame, or you can actively problem-solve. Marriage is all about solving problems and sharing in one another's difficulties and triumphs. It's not contest of who is more right. And, unfortunately it's nothing like a romantic novel or photo.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MimiGirl

The only reason why I would do that its cause I honestly dont trust him and I think its always been that way since we met I was just too blind to see it.

No true = no relationship = definitely no marriage

Quote:

Originally Posted by MimiGirl

So I gave him another chance, but iam still worried

If you give him a chance, he's suppose to be making a huge effort to regain your trust.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MimiGirl

i dont know if he is lieing to me or telling me the truth..Will I ever trust him again?

Doesn't seem like he's made much of an effort because there's no progress whatsoever. If there's no progress by now, then I doubt there will be progress in the future.

Sounds like you've made a huge effort to try to reconcile and you've even given him another chance after breaking your trust. A marriage doesn't work when only one side is putting all the effort. If you're not satisfied with his progress on regaining your trust, then don't put up with it anymore.

You are entitled to demand more from him, since he's the one who lost your trust. If he doesn't provide what you want and need in a marriage, then leave him. But don't allow yourself to suffer anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Well, girl, you are your own worst enemy! You said, "he tells me that i make him feel less of a man..I dont know what feelings he has towards me".......... Why do you think he feels less of a man and doesn't feel romantic with you, since, after all, you only go through and open his mail, check his cell phone calls and messages, is suspicious of him every minute of every day, don't trust him and tell him so, you are demanding that he charge up your sex life.

I agree with the first part. Going through his personal things is a breach of his trust.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

YOU are setting him up for failure. YOU are the demanding one. YOU are driving him away. YOU are pushing him into her arms. YOU are the problem in this relationship.

I'm not so sure about this. She wouldn't have gone through his things if she trusted him in the first place. By the time she went through his things, it means that she doesn't trust him anymore. Two wrongs don't make a right, but he has to be held accountable for losing her trust too.

There is not much progress because he expects you to be the way you are and he is content with the way things are. He tunes you out. He gets what he wants. He has no reason to want anything to change.
Your trying to win someone over that lost interest I think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

I'm not so sure about this. She wouldn't have gone through his things if she trusted him in the first place. By the time she went through his things, it means that she doesn't trust him anymore. Two wrongs don't make a right, but he has to be held accountable for loosing her trust too.

She had no business going through his things whether she trusted him or not. It sounds like he was reacting to her suspicions and lack of trust in him by knocking himself out and giving her a real reason not to trust him.

It sounds like one of those push-pull relationships to me.

You know what I mean - you push him for something, he pulls away. He pushes you for something, you pull away. Relationships often have these imbalances - one partner will be more affectionate than the other, one partner will be more sexual than the other.

What I sense is that you are insecure. You're looking to your husband for physical affection and sex to cover for the fact that you don't trust him. When you don't get what you want you criticize him and he feels defensive, criticizes you and withdraws.

I would suggest that you need to back off for a while. If you love him, why can't you be affectionate and not expect anything in return? When you have sex why can't you enjoy it and not judge his performance? If you want to do different things why don't you let him take the lead so that he feels masculine, not emasculated?

I'd also suggest that you need to have some loving, affectionate fun. Do things together and get out of the house. Stop checking his emails, texts and Face Book. Lighten up a little and get off his back, you may be surprised by how he responds.

This all sounds like my relationship! Well except the ex part. These posts have helped me to realize that maybe I should back off a little and let him breath. Stop hasseling him so much about things, and he might have a complete turn around. We could try this together Mimi, I know I'm going to listen to them! Thanks everyone for helping me as well =D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She had no business going through his things whether she trusted him or not. It sounds like he was reacting to her suspicions and lack of trust in him by knocking himself out and giving her a real reason not to trust him.

Had to spread rep. Right! We don't need to escalate the problems. Doing things to break the trust even further is not helpful.

Sometimes it's a better to take a time out and cool off become confronting a problem. Easier said that done. It's better to have "discussions" instead of "arguments". It's always better to approach problems calmly and hear the other person out before jumping to conclusions.

I think I dated that guy... Stop doing more to earn affection. If he does not give it, then stop.

You have control of your self-worth. Do not let him choose that for you.

As I have gotten older I have realized, I am worth more than that. Take the time to realize the same.

There are a lot of things going on here.

The first thing is that he can't stay hard. Has that been addressed as a possible physical problem?

While you are initiating possible new lovemaking techniques, he's throwing excuses at you to make you seem like the reason why he can't do anything differently than one position, and fast. It is all about him.

He may be feeling even more pressure because you are expecting more than five minutes, and need more intimacy, which isn't unreasonable, particularly for newlyweds. Sexual intimacy that lasts a very short time and which has become infrequent, could be a problem he is covering up.

The best offence is a good defence as they say. He throws up barriers, you try to knock them down, nothing gets solved.

As to him with his ex. It could be she is in his life because he knows he has no obligation or commitment to her, in the same way he has to you. She is a safe place, away from expectations and arguments. He gets his ego boosted, instead of busted.

I think it is important to address and rule out any physical problems he may have. From there, attend marriage counselling to work out the needs of each of you, and what can be achieved comfortably.

There has to be compromise and communication.

Well, girl, you are your own worst enemy! You said, "he tells me that i make him feel less of a man..I dont know what feelings he has towards me"... Why do you think he feels less of a man and doesn't feel romantic with you, since, after all, you only go through and open his mail, check his cell phone calls and messages, is suspicious of him every minute of every day, don't trust him and tell him so, you are demanding that he charge up your sex life.

I don't comply with this answer. Poor lady she is the one loving him and taking care of him always and making noaghty approaches to spice up her selfish man's life... insted of reciprocating he chats and taks with his ex?not done... well I understand emotional feelings a do's n donts are different .So if he is emotionally less inclined to his wife,he mite as well tell him... so what good is he doing to her by staying with her...
She mite as wel set herself free and find someone who shares a great chemistry with her .
N why not if he would have kept her trust she wudn't have bothered to check his emails.At the first place he was mean enuf to break her trust and selfish and coward enuf not to let go of her.

Wait, I have to ask...

"I would like it more than just once a day but I ve seen that he doesnt ask for it that much-once he got it for the day its over."

LOL... You guys are only doing it Once per day?

And you think He is slipping over to see his Ex? When?

I need some of what He's takin'... please...

I wouldn't complain on the once a day sex. That would be a dream come true to me. Haha.