Ask Me Help Desk - Does married sex have to suck?

I have been married for about 5 yrs now and our sex like is nothing worth speaking of. I have spoke with my husband on many different occasions about this problem and he seems to listen, but nothing ever changes! This has been going on for many years and I never really felt that "passion" for him while we were dating.

I have TRIED everything! Outfits, toys, etc and its just the same ole stuff... missionary, dry, dull, and impersonal. He just doesn't seem interested in anything different, he just wants in and then out... period! I feel as though we just have sex to have sex, not to connect. He doesn't see a problem, but I want soooo much more! He claims he does too, but he doesn't mean it.

I am a VERY attractive thirty something lady, who NEEDS and deserves a GREAT sex life, what am I to do? I have many men trying to get with me... dating or other and I always turn them down, but now... I am finding it harder and harder to do so.

I'm in a big mess! I love my husand! I have tried talking to him, writing it in an email (graphic details for the visual effects), and actually "tried" to show him. Nothing changes! I have told him we need counseling, but his schedule is crazy and just brushes it off.

This has also been infidelity in our marriage. He had an affair for about 2 yrs, which I found out later and retaliated in the kind. So, could he be back on the same path and I just don't know yet?

I fear that I will cheat and ruin our marriage forever, but maybe I don't want in the marriage anymore?

Advice is needed ASAP!

Hi.

Have you been to a couple's therapist or sex therapist; sometimes they are willing to be fit into YOUR schedule. I had one that did Saturday nights.

Have you both resolved the infidelity issue or is it sill hanging in the air? Other than that are there any other problems in your marriage; sometimes, no more than often, what's happening on the outside will affect the bedroom department.

Sarah

You NEED to make your husband understand that a counselor is a must--he has to make the time for your marriage the way he does for any other "important" event in his life.

"normally" one of the things I mention is what has worked in my relationships (which, by the way also involved infidelity on her part (more than one woman, I'm afraid to say), not mine) is finding books to share. Sensual touch. Non-icky sex books. She loves to read. I love to read. We find it easy to read books about relationships and sex and connections and love and blah blah blah.

Sharing a book is kind of like displacing blame... you aren't saying "why the hell dont you do this?!" you are saying "this sounds like fun"... or it isn't about "you pay no attention to the work i try to do for you" its "im trying to please you by working hard at things you might not appreciate, but i am trying"...

But in this case... I'm with synn... and with you.

I've been to counseling myself. Been in group therapy. Been in single therapy.

It works when a person wants to get better.

If he doesn't give a damn, you cannot make him.

At the very least, schedule time for you... if he won't go to couples therapy, fine. You go to therapy. Make yourself as "right" as you can.

It makes a difference.

And if you have to walk away, then you can do so knowing you did all you could.

If he sees your efforts and has a change of heart, then his dumb arse might have finally bought a clue before it was too late.

Thanks for posting here. Glad you are doing the hard work it sometimes takes to save a relationship and to save yourself.

You know that you need to save yourself first.

You both need counseling... because you both need to work at this... you can't do it all yourself, this will help him understand since its clear he isn't listening.

Trust me... I've been married 17 years... its better now than it ever was when I was single. Maybe not as exciting as a one night stand was, but better, Quality and excitement don't always go hand in hand.

Have you tried pornos? They also have educational videos that help you try new things that you wouldn't have thought about. I do pleasure parties and if you are interested at all in seeing what products we offer, let me know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

if he sees your efforts and has a change of heart, then his dumb arse might have finally bought a clue before it was too late.

On the other hand, if you do everything you can and he is still oblivious, YOU will know that YOU tried your hardest. Relationships are about two people, he needs to want to try as well.

It's difficult to get past issues in a relationship that breach trust, but you both have managed to stay together and still seem to want to try. It is JUST the sex that's an issue or is he like this outside the bedroom as well?

Sorry, I didn't read all of that message.

Do you love him? Do you find yourself thinking about other things when you have sex? Sex is not only physical, it is obviously mental as well. Sex is a huge factor in a relationship, especially when you are married. You need to get counseling, or it isn't going to work out.

Good luck and best wishes!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chey5782

On the other hand, if you do everything you can and he is still oblivious, YOU will know that YOU tried your hardest. Relationships are about two people, he needs to want to try as well.

It's difficult to get past issues in a relationship that breach trust, but you both have managed to stay together and still seem to want to try. It is JUST the sex that's an issue or is he like this outside the bedroom as well?

Great points made.

Many times the etiology of problems in the bedroom come from elsewhere.