Ask Me Help Desk - Can't get out what I want to say.

I feel like every time I have something to tell people it doesn't come out in a way that they understand. Like if I'm talking with a friend or even a stranger and I'm about to speak my opinion, I know exactly what I'm going to say and then when it comes out, basically how I say everything doesn't make sense. It's been so frustrating, and people misjudge me, and don't seem to understand what I'm saying when I could be thinking exactly what they are thinking. I'm not quite sure how anyone can respond to this thread, but I would love to hear from everybody.

I guess I should add one more thing, I think the reason I do this is I get all nervous and it's a lot harder for me to think about what I'm saying. I basically choke on my words.

I know it's easier said than done, but have confidence in whatever points you're trying to make! The more you think about what you're going to say, the easier it is to doubt if your words have any relevance or impact, and choking up becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy!

If you do make a mistake, calmly correct yourself, even if someone takes it the wrong way; anyone who judges you that fast isn't worth your time anyway!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissRissa

I feel like every time I have something to tell people it doesn't come out in a way that they understand. Like if I'm talking with a friend or even a stranger and I'm about to speak my opinion, I know exactly what I'm going to say and then when it comes out, basically how I say everything doesn't make sense. It's been so frustrating, and people misjudge me, and don't seem to understand what I'm saying when I could be thinking exactly what they are thinking. I'm not quite sure how anyone can respond to this thread, but I would love to hear from everybody.

Consider two ways to handle your problem: a mechanical way and a psychological way.

Mechanically—which would include using procedures and techniques—I suggest that you start by writing things down to organize your mind around what you intend to say about a particular subject.. After you have an event in which people misunderstood you, take some quiet time and write out what you would have said if you could have. Read it and edit it until it expresses exactly what you intend. If it takes 20 versions, that's fine. When it meets your requirements, give it to someone you trust and ask them to read it and tell you if they understand. They don't have to agree or like what you wrote, just understand.

If they don't understand, make edits until they do. Don't explain or try to convince them, just ask questions until you know what to change. Then do it and test the next version with them. Repeat and rinse (... uh, I mean "repeat until they OK it.")

If you carry out this process 20 or more times, your brain will learn what the desired output looks like, sounds like, and how it is organized. You will have a target to refer to. Twenty times of that, done consistently, will make it much easier to hit that target.

Then, make it easier for your unconscious mind to pull the words that you need from its resources and organize them in ways similar to you writing. When you are with people in real time, practice shortening your statements until you can get a thought out with clarity. Shorten until you find a comfortable number of words that hit the bull's eye. It could end up being one word statements, and that would be fine because that word would be what you intend to say.

From there, add one word or one thought at a time, and practice talking that way until you are at ease communicating with fidelity to your inner thoughts and intentions. It'll take six months, max.

Psychologically: Get thee to a therapist, maybe a specialist in speech disorders and maybe a specialist in anxiety disorders. Yes, it's a disorder, a malfunction that can imprison you if you let it. It is very common, especially in young people who care a lot about what other people think of them. Fortunately, it can be resolved in therapy.

If it were me, I'd be reluctant to resort to medications. Find a therapist who will help you uncover what makes you nervous, specifically, where it originates, what triggers it, what its pattern us, and what you can do about it. This would be an "old school talking therapy" person, as compared to a modern shrink who follows the pharmaceutical and insurance companies. If that fails after six months, see a shrink.

You can do this. You can reprogram your anxiety. I did it. I was so nervous around people that I would break into heavy sweats just meeting someone at the grocery store. It took work and time, but it was worth it.

Tao

Thanks guys! Great advice!

Maybe you're getting so nervous because you're afraid of what people are going to think and or say about you. You should try to remind yourself that what you have to say and your opinions are valid. They matter just as much as anyone else's opinion, and you have a right to speak your mind, just like everyone else. If you're having trouble putting together how you're going to say something to someone- maybe start the conversation out by telling them that you're "not sure how to phrase this, so bear with me until I can clarify..." (people will understand that- it happens to everyone) Also, try saying what it is that you're thinking (as it comes to you- sometimes planning out what you're going to say ahead of time trips you up even more- if you forget a "line" it may throw your whole speech you had planned and make you even more nervous) and asking them if they understand what you mean- if they don't, ask them what part they don't understand- what would make it more clear to them. Clear communication is about creating a dialog where BOTH parties talk until they understand what the other is trying to get across. It's probably a good idea to keep in mind too, that just because something doesn't make sense to someone else, doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense. Everybody's got a different view, angle, way they see the world, and the great thing about communication is that it gives us a chance to try to see things the way they are to someone else. Good luck!