"Mum" is a word that most people take for granted using. I am interested to make contact with another human being in the Western world who lost a mum in childbirth, had a surrogate mum for a few months of life and then suffered at the hands of an abusive father. This may seem a strange question but it is the root of enormous suffering/anguish/insecurity I have endured, and curiously more recently as an adult, the realisation that we gain our self esteem, and self validation in the first few months of life by being "stroked" (cared for) by a mum and then throughout life as being special to that person. If you lost your mum at six or ten, that is a different issue and one about loss of a normal relationship. I never had that relationship and have tried therapy for almst a half century. My last bid is to find another human being on this planet who shared the same life trauma as I did and find out how they have coped. A good counsellor friend told me it is a miracle I am alive and have physically looked after myself. The first few months of life are the emotional blueprint and building blocks of successful relationships. It would help to know I am not entirely alone. Most adults I know have had parents.

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It would help to know I am not entirely alone.

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Volunteer at a children hospital, or an orphanage, and maybe you'll get a better perspective as to how lucky you are.

Not to be mean, or harsh at all, but you have carried that burden you bear much to long, and should unpack that baggage, and move forward with the time you have.

Giving to others is a great way to unburden yourself, and find some self appreciation.

Give what you got, and you'll be surprised, by what you have.

Well, I kind of invited that reply!! Actually I have spent most of my life giving to others
Through my writing, teaching and now music which is largely unpaid. I have done voluntary work in my local hospital and also amongst dysfunctional youngsters and for a Mental Health organization. I daily count my blessings but it does little to sooth a terrifying aloness of a lifetime. And I have ried religion.As an infant I was locked in a bedroom and put in the back of a car while my father worked as there was no one to look after me.
Call it self pity but I am also a fighter and a person who fights for justice, but I suffer clinical depression.

You are getting treatment for your clinical depression I hope.

While this may sound terrible, you need to consider yourself lucky to be alive. It shows that you do have the fighter instinct in you. You cannot obsess over the death of your mother. There was nothing she could do about that.

As far as your father... I'm sorry you had to go through such a terrible childhood. I don't know your background, but is it possible that he was too young to care for a child, yet took on the responsibility rather than sending you to an orphanage? Were your grandparents involved in your life?

When we are dealt with a bad hand, we can choose to sink or swim. I see you chose to swim. You need to keep swimming. You are not alone.

It is a shame that you have never known a mothers love.

I am sure that has impacted you greatly but since you can not change the reality of it,you must forge on the best way you know how.

While I can't relate ,not having been through that loss,I do believe we have to overcome our shortcomings as best we can.

I worked with children from abusive homes many years ago and I saw the psychological damage these parents did.The long range outlook for many of these kids was very bleak but getting love and attention from others in a positive way proved priceless.

Have you not had that in your life? Others who love you?

No one can replace the Mothering and nurturing you lacked as a child.But that does not mean you can't have love in your life.

Allowing yourself to forgive the past you had is the first step to living in the now and embracing what life has to offer.Don't cheat yourself by carrying this burden.

I have to spread the love Artsy, I also wonder if wallowing in self pity is how some people get through life.

We all do have our crosses to bear. I had cancer as a young mother and feared leaving my beautiful daughter, but I was a fighter and would not let it bring me down.

I'm sure there is SOMETHING positive in the OPs life that he could use to his benefit.

Sometimes we need to find validation and confidence within ourselves. Often we go through bad so we can help others.

Just two examples are Joni Ericson Tada became a parapalegic when she dove off a high dive during a swimming competition.
She is now head of her own organization for parapalegics. Here is her ministry
Joni and Friends

Another one is Bill Wilson. When he was 11 his mother left him sitting on a corner and said she would be back. She NEVER returned,
Here is his ministry. He has been shot and went through many life traumas and none of it has stopped him or discouraged him from reaching out to kids that have it really hard in Brooklyn.
Home
So with Bill wilson I think you found that person you are looking for.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Sometimes we need to find validation and confidence within ourselves. Often we go through bad so we can help others.

Just two examples are Joni Ericson Tada became a parapalegic when she dove off a high dive during a swimming competion.
She is now head of her own organization for parapalegics. Here is her ministry
Joni and Friends

Another one is Bill Wilson. When he was 11 his mother left him sitting on a corner and said she would be back. She NEVER returned,
Here is his ministry. He has been shot and went through many life traumas and none of it has stopped him or discouraged him from reaching out to kids that have it really hard in Brooklyn.
Home
So with Bill wilson I think you found that person you are looking for.

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Can't rep you nohelp but you made an excellent point,turn that pain around and use it to further good and inspire others.There is a reason for everything.

Im sorry but none of you have answered my question but instead projected all the stuff I already know regarding "crosses to bear", "bravery", "self-pity" etc. I will repeat my question: does anybody know or who can put me in contact with someone who lost a mother in childbirth and had the double whammy of an abusive father who blamed one throughout one's childhood. When someone gets cancer there is at least a support group, to take some of the fear away.
If someone is gay there is a support group, if someone survives an airplane crash they will seek others who went through the same trauma. That is my simple question to link in with another human being. None of you who have responded and made judgments about me have actually had my experience and you al, take for granted the vital building blocks of early infanthood. It was a simple question because meeting another helps put things in perspective and is a basic human need for mutual understanding. "Go work in an orphanage" is a fickle quick fix reply especially as I have spent my life trying to help others. Get help for depression means being drugged up like a zombie. We may send men to the moon but there is still much we do not understand about human life.

You said "My last bid is to find another human being on this planet who shared the same life trauma as I did and find out how they have coped."
I told you Bill Wilson

NO two people are going to have your exact life but he has had your life experience.

Order his DVD and see if you don't think so.
http://www.metroministries.org/shop/...p?idproduct=91 his life story

I bet it will help you a lot to watch it. He talks about his childhood and how he was abandoned and his experiences.

IF you still want to think he can't relate then I would have to go along with J_9 and say you ARE wallowing in self pity.


Pastor Bill Wilson is the Founder
And Senior Pastor of Metro Ministries, America's largest ministry to children with branches in various nations. He is a well-known speaker, author, pastor and friend of poor inner city children all over the world.

Abandoned As A Child
As a child, Pastor Bill experienced the pain and hopelessness of abandonment. One day, as he walked down a street with his mother, they stopped to sit for a while. She instructed him to sit there and wait for her to return. He sat and waited for 3 days straight. She did not return. A gentleman who had seen him sitting there for 3 days stopped and picked him up. The man was a Christian.
Mission to Help Hurting Children
Out of the pain, impoverishment and isolation of his own abandonment, Bill developed a heart of compassion for suffering children everywhere. From the ghettos of America to the garbage dumps of Manila to the sexual slave trade in Thailand, Bill has sought to rescue hurting children, offering a message of love and hope while combating issues like hunger, poverty, child prostitution, AIDS awareness, etc.

Founding of Metro Ministries
As part of his commitment to serving urban children, he established the headquarters of Metro Ministries in 1980 in what was one of Brooklyn's roughest neighborhoods, the Bushwick community, most commonly known for its history of gang violence, crime, drugs, and poverty.

In this community, violence was a way of life and a constant threat. Over the years, Pastor Bill was beaten, stabbed and shot in the face. Yet, he persevered and refused to leave the area or give up on the children growing up in such an environment. After years of faithful service, his efforts began to really make difference, not only in the lives of children but in the community as well. Due to the success of Metro's programs, President George Bush, Sr. appointed Pastor Bill to serve on the National Commission on America's Urban Families in 1991. Metro's influence was also identified as a factor in the noticeable reduction of crime in the Bushwick community and the organization was featured on ABC's NIGHTLINE currently hosted by Ted Koppel in 1997.

Today, Metro Ministries spans the globe reaching out to thousands of children each week. During its fall and spring sessions, Metro ministers to over 22,000 children per week in New York City and over 20,000 in Manila, Romania and South Africa - totaling over 42,000 worldwide. After more than a quarter of a century, Pastor Bill, himself, is still driving one of the school buses to pick up kids for Sunday School. His programs, curriculum, and techniques are being duplicated in cities all over the world.
Pastor Bill travels widely speaking in churches nationally and internationally each week.

So, it appears that on this website, a 'senior relationships expert' comes says:
'Just trying to help you judgemental, old snot, Google what you want and I hope you find it. Are all musicians such rude A$$ boobs.'

Does this reflect the quality of this website? Are you insulting me on ageist grounds and adding to it by calling me a "snot"? My most recent response was simply because my question was not answered other than an excellent and helpful first response by Torrid regarding my musical relationship problem.
Possibly my two postings got confused but there is no need to be insulting especially from a "senior relationships expert". Iasked advice for one posting and asked a question on the other 'Personal Growth' page and the same person answered both (Not4U).

Aqwarius,

I hope you realize that this is a worldwide website. Since we don't know where you live, it is impossible for us to guide you any further than we have already.

The quality of this website also depends on what you give into it. We are here to help, but it seems you are not happy with the responses you are getting. Understand also that we are volunteers here. We volunteer our time for free, in our own spare time. We are not employed by this website, nor do we sit behind an entire bank of computers. We are all at home doing this between work, school, children, and ordinary lives.

This site might be a good outlet for you in answering some of the questions from people who are suffering depression, suicidal, and/or having problems at home.

There's an old cliché... in every cloud there is a silver lining. Sure it may sound ridiculous, but I have experienced it myself, and I'm here now giving back what has been given to me.

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That is my simple question to link in with another human being. None of you who have responded and made judgments about me have actually had my experience and you all, take for granted the vital building blocks of early infant hood. It was a simple question because meeting another helps put things in perspective and is a basic human need for mutual understanding. "Go work in an orphanage" is a fickle quick fix reply especially as I have spent my life trying to help others. Get help for depression means being drugged up like a zombie. We may send men to the moon but there is still much we do not understand about human life.

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This comment, brought this response.

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talaniman disagrees: Just trying to help you judgmental, old snot, google what you want and I hope you find it. Are all musicians such rude A$$ boobs.

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Senior relationship expert don't play no BS, pity pot, whoa is me, games. Show respect you get some, or get some meds, whatever, but don't come here playing a game. This is my house, and MY family!!:mad:

I say again I am astounded at how quick some of these so-called human relationships "experts" are to judge (pre-judge) and come up with clichés rather than read and digest the question and one of my questions did NOT seek advice but requested a yes no answer! My two separate postings headings (Personal Growth and Relationships) got confused which is my error as I replied to a person who replied to both my postings and my response came up on the wrong page, hence the offense someone took. I already acknowledged that one person (not an expert) gave a very helpful reply to the question that I posted for advice. Obviously I am frustrated that I brought two genuine problems to this site and I now read another posting suggesting I am playing head games! Which is absurd. It surely emphasises how delicate and complex human relationship problems are and to be called an "old snot" by one of your experts I suggest reflects rather poorly on the integrity of this site which I only joined yesterday. I simply challenge that one of my questions was not accurately responded to in factual content and instead I got some long almost religious ranting about some American hero and all the merchandise that accompanies his "success story" that had little to do with my unique situation!
I suggest those who genuinely care about fellow human beings digest what I actually attempted to articulate and reflect. I am referring to my question about having no mum. Did you have a mum, whoever is reading this? Whether your mum abandoned you, abused you, controlled you, nurtured you is not the question. The question is Did you have somebody in your life that you called mum? When you answer that question then there is a basis for understanding and if you don't understand then please refrain from giving second hand advice.

I am not judging you. I am sorry that you didn't like any of our ideas. I thought that maybe starting your own group for people that grew up without a parent or something would be a good idea.

I really do hope that you do find what it is your looking for.

Sorry we haven't been any help.

I too am sorry you are so offended. Yes, I had a mother.

But you did NOT answer my question. Where do you live? Without knowing this we can't put you in touch with any support groups.

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Originally Posted by aqwarius

The question is Did you have somebody in your life that you called mum? When you answer that question then there is a basis for understanding and if you don't understand then please refrain from giving second hand advice.

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Posting on a public Q&A site opens you up to any and all answers. Some you may want to hear, others you may not. Unfortunately, you cannot dictate who does or does not answer your question.

Come here with attitude and you'll get it back. We're only human after all.

I had a mother and a father, two wonderful human beings. They're gone now, but I was lucky to have them in my life for 30 wonderful years.

I too had problems, troubles in my life that still haunt me, but not because of my parents. I've left those troubles in the past, where they belong. There's nothing I can do to change the past, but the future is mine to control.

What you do with your past is up to you. If you can't move on from the tragedy then you will live a half life. There is only so much experts, therapists and others can do for you, in the end it's up to you to make the change and move forward.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible childhood, I'm sorry that you've let this define who you are, let it control every aspect of your life. I really don't think talking to someone in your position will help.

It's time to let it go, realize that what happened in the past can't be changed. It's time to look to the future and your place in it.

Keep carrying around this burden and you'll drag yourself down. Trust me on this one.

Good luck.

So aqwarius, You've been there, done that with all the advice, comforting, and cheering you on that's been posted on this thread.

To answer your question; I do not know anyone who lost their mother as an infant and was raised by a neglectful father.

My wife lost her mother at 18 months. Her father worked overseas for the government.
He wasn't neglectful, he was gone.

My mother is still alive and still nagging. My father beat us with whips until Jack Daniels killed him.

We're fine. Get over yourself.

You know... I had a mother... a mother who treated me like garbage, told me I was the sole reason for her problems in life, and told me that I ruined her chance for a happy life. She beat me, called me names, never once loved me... usually when a mother abandons her child, I feel that if she HAD stayed... it might have been worse... you know what I mean? I know it doesn't make you feel any better. But maybe being abandoned happened for a reason. You wouldn't be the person you are today had it been different. For all you know (or I know) you may not BE here anymore...

I am very sorry you did not have a mother... and I pray you can find what you are looking for, but while I know that others have gone through what you have gone through, I do not know anyone personally. Perhapes these sites can help you?

Child abuse survivors, incest, trauma, PTSD support community - The Wounded Healer Journal

Child Maltreatment - Neglect | Causes, Symptoms, Treatment | PDRHealth

Child Maltreatment - Neglect | Causes, Symptoms, Treatment | PDRHealth

Take Action Against Abuse - Center for Child Protection & Family Support : Washington, D.C.

theSRP | Yahoo! Groups

A lot of these groups deal with 'child abuse survivors' but they all include 'abandonment' as part of that.

I hope you find something in these sites.