Ask Me Help Desk - Is it me?

:confused: I moved 125 miles with my children to live with my boyfriend. We have lived with one another now for 1 1/2 years. Things have not been easy trying to blend two families. He has custody of his 2 girls. I believe he does love me but he seems to be pulling away. Now he is not even showing interest in me sexually. He tells me that it is not me just him, yet he gets on sites with nude women. If it's not me then why is he looking? He tells me that he would be stupid to lose me or break up with me. That he does love me. I am afraid that he is falling out of love with me. I feel so alone and hurt. Am I way off?

Ok... I have been thinking and thinking on this... I want to be with him, yet he has to want this as well. I am so confused. We both had bad marriages and I am so afraid that I am beginning to lose the one male adult that has made me happy in my miserable life. My children make me happy, but this is a different happiness. Maybe I am destine to be alone. Hope not.

It could be caused by stress.
But that wouldn't explain the porn sites.
This could be an early warning sign.

You need to sit down and have a talk with him.
Tell him how you fill and ask him why does he look at porn when he can see the real thing.
Maybe he has a problem that needs to be addressed.

Do you know all the reasons behind his divorce.

Remember if a discussion turns into an argument you never solve anything.

Just for the record putting the burden on him to make you happy is a losing proposition, that is your job alone. Second If after a year and a half you find he has a habit that bothers you, then talk to him about it. COMMUNICATION is the basics in any good relationship. Why is it you don't believe he loves you and cares? You make no mention of any behavior that supports this so it must be something your not telling. It takes a lot longer than a year and a half to blend to families together and the pressure along the way can be tremendous. Make sure your not all tired out and don't forget to make time for yourself and the two of you. Keep the attitude POSITIVE!!

Quote:

"... My children make me happy, but this is a different happiness. Maybe I am destine to be alone. Hope not...

There is nothing wrong with being alone and not with misery... he has other interest and it does not include you... watching nude pictures of women and raising daughters of his own... there is a problem or a few here... have a talk with him... hold your temper... ask the important question.. but before you do that make arrangements for yourself and you children... to live some where else... there is a reasons I believe that marriage and live in arrangements should wait until the children are heading to college or tech school or working... problems... focus on the family... your children and his do not have to see another family fall.. that will kill their desire to marry or be in a relationship...

He may have a porn addiction AND YES IT SCREWS UP YOUR LOVE LIFE!! NO QUESTION!!

HE NEEDS TO COME TO TERMS WITH THIS.

This is a problem that should be addressed now. It will only get worse - as he explores more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why is it you don't believe he loves you and cares? You make no mention of any behavior that supports this so it must be something you're not telling... Make sure you're not all tired out and don't forget to make time for yourself and the two of you. Keep the attitude POSITIVE!!!

A lot has to do with my past issues and relationships, a failed marriage that was abusive (16 yeas)... you are so right, it isn't his burden to make me happy. Why I doubt his love? Maybe because he doesn't seem to want to make time the two of us. When he gets overly tired or stressed he withdraws and lives on the computer when he is home. This time it has lasted over 2 months. Myself esteem is low. Not to his fault. I haven't given up on the blending... it's very hard. His daughters were so used to having their way and their mother is such a great manipulator that they have leaned this art themselves, especially the oldest. (she is 19 yeas old) I thought things would be a little easier when she moved out since we all had to walk on eggshells aound her. I have tried to talk to him but I guess I just come across wrong to him and he gets defensive. Maybe if I back off fom him and let him wok out whatever it is he is going though, things will get better again. However, I don't like living with someone and not communicating. I am very confused and upset regarding this.

Unfortunately, moving your children 125 miles away just to shack up with him without a real commitment was not wise. You should have only done that with a wedding ring on your finger. You're in a precarious situation now and you're pretty much left with an all-or-nothing approach as your alternative. Either give him an ultimatum (and be prepared to go through with it) or pack up yourself and your kids and move back home. Stay with a trusted friend or relative until you can afford a place of your own. Your bailing out (if he doesn't accept your ultimatum) may light a fire under him or it may not but either way you'll have your answer.