Ask Me Help Desk - Regaining custody of daughter

My daughter is 7 years old, she was 4 at the time of the divorce. I am the mother, was a stay at home mom her entire life. One weekend I decided to go with my sister to visit our dad, so I dropped my daughter at my grandmas house. Later my grandma called and said that her dad picked her up, which wasn't a big deal, we were having problems but not separated at the time. So, I returned home the next day and my daughter and all of her things were gone- so was my husband. I couldn't get in touch with him, I was frantic. I went to numerous police stations and was told that possession is 9/10 of the law, and that I would have to have papers signed by a judge in order for them to do anything. On top of this, I was removed from all financial accounts and had NO access to money- no credit, no anything. The bills were all in my name(looking back, dumb move) so after a few weeks of non payment the utilities were one by one being shut off. Oh, and he had taken the car. So, I had absolutely nothing monetarily speaking, and was even being forced to live under terrible conditions with no electricity, water, etc. and no transportation. I had no college education at the time, or work experience so I couldn't find work that would pay enough to get me out of trouble. I had no family to help. Either. My sister let me use her car and one night I just waited at my ex's parents house for them to come home so that maybe I could see my daughter or at least find out where she was. She was with them and I saw her for a few minutes- looking back I should have taken her but I didn't want to upset her further, she was already upset.
I was so upset- I had nothing, and I was sure that my daughter would be taken away from me- my ex was 10 years older, he had money and so did his family. I was relentless in trying to see her, to no avail. Then, one day mu husband came to me and offered joint custody and 4,000.00 to help me get on my feet. I took the papers to multiple lawyers but couldn't find one cheaper than 2,000.00 which I could never get- at least not soon enough- I hadn't seen my daughter in a month and was desperate to be with her. So, I signed the papers and was finally allowed to be with her.
A year later, when I tried to move to another state I discovered that I not only did I not have joint custody, I had no parental rights whatsoever as far as those papers were concerned. Basically, I had signed away my daughter.
In the last three years I have tried very hard to get my life together so that I can afford to get her back. I am now married to a physician and am almost done with college- I will be a teacher after I finish. We just bought our own home. We are very established, in a state different from the one my daughter lives in. During the three years since I moved, I have seen her as frequently as the papers allow, which is standard visitation (before I moved I had visitation added).
My daughter, since being with her dad has become very obese (she is 7 and weighs almost 100 pounds). She only spends 2 nights a week at her home, other nights she is either with his mother or his sister being constantly bounced from place to place due and spends very little time with her dad due to his crazy work schedule.
She is so sad all the time, it just kills me. Now that I have myself established, I think that I might have a chance to gain full custody. I could stay at home with her and be available for her much more than he can be. I also have her older brother (different father) who she grew up with living with me full time. She misses him a lot. She needs emotional support and he isn't giving that to her. She just screams for me every time I have to leave her- she says she wants to live with me and her brother all the time. She really wants to be with me- but she's just 7, she has no legal recourse.
What I am worried about it that I won't get custody and I would have put her through more hell- she has already been through so much. Im just very worried about her well being, physically and emotionally. Her father only did what he did to please his parents- they have her most of the time. He never had anything to do with her upbringing other than financial support before the divorce. He just knew that taking her was the only way he could hurt me. I have confronted him about it several times, he just says that I "shouldnt have screwed" with him. Its pathetic- the biggest mistake of my life was believing that my daughters father had her best interest at heart by signing joint custody papers. Turns out it was a lie, and that he was just looking out for himself.
Does anyone think I have a chance in court? I am out of state and she would have to move here.
I am unsure about this- they have lots of money and Im sure that they will try to drag it all out as long as they can. I just don't want her to get hurt in the process- but then again, if I don't try to gain custody I think that in the long run she will suffer much more.

:confused:

Well that is some story... Listen you do need to try for custody, judges will do as they feel fit. But you would want to at least try for your child. Obese that is so hard for a child to have to go threw.
Change in custody is only granted if there is a significate change in circumstances. That is the law the law works, it sucks but it's the law. The fact that you signed papers is not too good.
I was granted sole custody because my ex husband failed to appear in court 8 times, he is not trying to get custody but he will not win because there is no change in circumstances.
Good luck

You have had a change in circumstances and currently seem to be able to provide a more stable environment for your daughter. Especially if your new husband is a physician.

No, signing those papers is not good, but you may be able to prove that you signed under duress. Which would be helpful in your situation. Courts do not look favorably upon people who make another person sign a contract under duress. And in some instances, not many but some, the cotract will be considered void if duress is proven.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

Where are you from? Be over weight is a big issue, more important in a 7 year old. If she is over weight now she will be only needing more help. I am glad mom is so concernd

I have to spread the love Jenn, but childhood obesity leads to many serious illnesses. It is a good thing that at least someone is concerned for this child.

Luna, are you just angry at someone today and taking it out here? Cause that is how you are coming across.

Well I fall somewhat between the comments you have received. I think Luna may have been too harsh with you and the others too supportive. What I don't understand is why, as soon as you were locked out, that you didn't go to an attorney IMMEDIATELY. That's what you should have done. If your ex had money, I'm sure you could have found someone to take your case on spec.

Instead you floundered around, apparently doing everything wrong including signing papers you didn't understand. Now you are paying for those mistakes. So don't repeat them. Hire an attorney, hire a psychologist to evaluate your daughter and see if moving in with you will help her. Go after custody, but do it RIGHT this time.

I really think, if you handle it right, even if you don't gain full custody, your daughter will know you tried for her sake.

I think Luna was way out of line with many things she posted, mainly the weight issue. The OP NEVER even alluded to being embarrassed about her child's weight. I think she expressed concern about the child's HEALTH due to obesity.

I would have disagreed, but was unable and now I don't even see Luna's post on this thread. Strange.

I do think Scott's advice was great though...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Hire an attorney, hire a psychologist to evaluate your daughter and see if moving in with you will help her. Go after custody, but do it RIGHT this time.

Im not sure who replied with that incredibly biased statement regarding my mentioning of my daughters weight issues, but whoever you are your opinion that my daughter is an embarrassment to me because of her weight is a nice example of the way parents in this "politically correct" society think- and the result is an ever increasing number of very overweight and very unhealthy children.

My husband is a pediatrician, so we discuss this issue quite frequently and as a physician, he and his colleagues often do not warn parents of the dangers associated with their children's weight issues. The reason? Ignorance. These parents are completely unaware of what they are doing to their children and they are very defensive because most of the time, they are overweight too. If my husband does insist on attending to the child's weight issues, the parents (9 times out of 10) go to a new doctor because they don't want to be told that something is wrong with THEM and that THEIR habbits need to change.

I have been overweight, obese in fact- so I am well aware the emotional issues that come along with it. But it wasn't until I took responsibility for my actions that I lost all of the weight- over 100 pounds and have kept it off for years.

My daughters obesity is, and should be referred to as abuse- and it should be blamed on the people who take care of her. They consist of her father and his family, all of who are obese themselves. They have been all their lives, and are not about to inconvenience their way of life so that my daughter can become healthier. As long as she is in that environment, her health will be a huge issue.

And FYI-
I talk to my daughters teachers more than her father does. My ex couldn't even tell you their names. My son, who has always been in my sole custody spends plenty of time with me. He is in a gifted school, VERY healthy and doing incredibly well.

Both of my children are very open with me- more so than with anyone else.
And neither of them are an "embarassment" and your assuming so is quite telling- do you have any children? Im guessing no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Well I fall somewhat between the comments you have received. I think Luna may have been too harsh with you and the others too supportive. What I don't understand is why, as soon as you were locked out, that you didn't go to an attorney IMMEDIATELY. That's what you should have done. If your ex had money, I'm sure you could have found someone to take your case on spec

I had nothing financially. He had my name removed from all of our financial accounts, which were primarilly in his name. I did go to attorneys, all of who wanted money before they gave me any advice. I had no family to help me, so I felt that I was stuck- which is exactly how he wanted me to feel. I am 10 years younger than him, was 23 at the time- very naïve and I believed him when he said that he wanted us to have joint custody. My mistake.

Yes, I recall being 23 and my decision-making ability was abysmal.

Sounds like he took advantage of your naivety. I've been the young, trusting wife, but that was a long time ago and predictably, I'm much wiser now.

I hope things iron out in your favor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jam616

My daughter is 7 years old, she was 4 at the time of the divorce. I am the mother, was a stay at home mom her entire life. One weekend I decided to go with my sister to visit our dad, so I dropped my daughter at my grandmas house. Later my grandma called and said that her dad picked her up, which wasnt a big deal, we were having problems but not seperated at the time. So, I returned home the next day and my daughter and all of her things were gone- so was my husband. I couldnt get in touch with him, I was frantic. I went to numerous police stations and was told that posession is 9/10 of the law, and that I would have to have papers signed by a judge in order for them to do anything. On top of this, I was removed from all financial accounts and had NO access to money- no credit, no anything. The bills were all in my name(looking back, dumb move) so after a few weeks of non payment the utilities were one by one being shut off. Oh, and he had taken the car. So, I had absolutely nothing monetarily speaking, and was even being forced to live under terrible conditions with no electricity, water, etc. and no transportation. I had no college education at the time, or work experience so I couldnt find work that would pay enough to get me out of trouble. I had no family to help. either. My sister let me use her car and one night I just waited at my ex's parents house for them to come home so that maybe I could see my daughter or at least find out where she was. She was with them and I saw her for a few minutes- looking back I should have taken her but I didnt want to upset her further, she was already upset.
I was so upset- I had nothing, and I was sure that my daughter would be taken away from me- my ex was 10 years older, he had money and so did his family. I was relentless in trying to see her, to no avail. Then, one day mu husband came to me and offered joint custody and 4,000.00 to help me get on my feet. I took the papers to multiple lawyers but couldnt find one cheaper than 2,000.00 which I could never get- at least not soon enough- I hadnt seen my daughter in a month and was desperate to be with her. So, I signed the papers and was finally allowed to be with her.
A year later, when I tried to move to another state I discovered that I not only did I not have joint custody, I had no parental rights whatsoever as far as those papers were concerned. Basically, I had signed away my daughter.
In the last three years I have tried very hard to get my life together so that I can afford to get her back. I am now married to a physician and am almost done with college- I will be a teacher after I finish. We just bought our own home. We are very established, in a state different from the one my daughter lives in. During the three years since I moved, I have seen her as frequently as the papers allow, which is standard visitation (before I moved I had visitation added).
My daughter, since being with her dad has become very obese (she is 7 and weighs almost 100 pounds). She only spends 2 nights a week at her home, other nights she is either with his mother or his sister being constantly bounced from place to place due and spends very little time with her dad due to his crazy work schedule.
She is so sad all the time, it just kills me. Now that I have myself established, I think that I might have a chance to gain full custody. I could stay at home with her and be available for her much more than he can be. I also have her older brother (different father) who she grew up with living with me full time. She misses him a lot. She needs emotional support and he isnt giving that to her. She just screams for me every time I have to leave her- she says she wants to live with me and her brother all the time. She really wants to be with me- but shes just 7, she has no legal recourse.
What I am worried about it that I wont get custody and I would have put her through more hell- she has already been through so much. Im just very worried about her well being, physically and emotionally. Her father only did what he did to please his parents- they have her most of the time. He never had anything to do with her upbringing other than financial support before the divorce. He just knew that taking her was the only way he could hurt me. I have confronted him about it several times, he just says that I "shouldnt have screwed" with him. Its pathetic- the biggest mistake of my life was believing that my daughters father had her best interest at heart by signing joint custody papers. Turns out it was a lie, and that he was just looking out for himself.
Does anyone think I have a chance in court? I am out of state and she would have to move here.
I am unsure about this- they have lots of money and Im sure that they will try to drag it all out as long as they can. I just dont want her to get hurt in the process- but then again, if I dont try to gain custody I think that in the long run she will suffer much more.

:confused:

Get your daughter . I am in the same siuation almost . I have custody of my 3 daughters . But let them move with my ex (voluntarily) . Now the older 2 are with me .(couldn't get along with Dad) I kind of tricked my youngest to come back . My ex has problems . Anyway here is how your case is similar to mine . The Mother daughter bonding... if you can stay at home and be with her , and be available to her more than the Dad . And the bonding issues with her siblings . If you can prove she would be much better off with you . Then I see no reason why you couldn't get her . Being bounced from house to house like you said . Doesn't sound to be a very stable life for a 7 year old ! Make sure you can stay at home , be close to her school , if you are not , get involved with a Church and show that you have her best interests at heart . Pray that works every time . God will listen to you...