Okay I don't want to make this long and sorry if I do. But here it goes. I have been with this guy for over 4 years now. By the way I'm 19 years old. Anyway, we are engaged, living together, and have a 9 month old baby girl together. When we first moved in together I was already 5 months pregnant and things were kind of rocky with all the new bills and the new life of being out on our own. Things did get better between us, we were happy and had a great vacation together 4th of July weekend.

In March, he started a new job which is an hour and a half from where we live. He had to leave at 5 30 every morning and was getting home at 4 30 every evening. This went on for about the first two months that he worked there. Now he isn't getting home until 5 30 of the evenings. It didn't bother me so much in the beginning but now it seems like it's an every day thing with a different excuse every evening.

Today he came home and I asked him where he had been and he said he had to stop and buy diapers for the baby. I was like well it's 530 I know it doesn't take that long to buy diapers. And he said he had stayed at work late to talk to some of the guys he works with. This is one of the same excuses I keep hearing. I might have been a little of a B**** but it has been bothering me so I asked him what they talked about. He said that it didn't matter.

He got really mad at me for asking too many questions and he left. He has cheated on me before in the first year we were together for like 2 months. What am I supposed to think? I love him but this is really starting to push me further away from him. Is he cheating?? Any advice I'm more than thankful for.

How did he act when you found out he cheated? Or did he tell you himself? What were his reasons?

If he wasn't very remorseful about it, chances are he'll do it again. A couple times of showing up late would be understandable... but showing up an hour late every single night with lame excuses? That definitely sounds fishy to me.

Next time you try to talk to him about it, let him know you're feeling uneasy and that it really bothers you. If he doesn't seem to care at all, he's either got something to hide, or he's a jerk.

The first time he cheated I found out on my own on myspace. That was almost a year after it happened. He has also broke up with the girl about a month or less before he PROPOSED to me. After he asked me to marry him, she told me not too long ago that he had wrote her and told her happy birthday and after that he never talked to her again.

When I told him I knew what had happened I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay with him and I gave him back his ring. He cried really hard and I know he felt bad. His reasons were that I had "messed around" with other guys before and he had only been with me and he didn't want to get really far in our relationship and risk everything by wanting to experiment. At the time he had cheated we had only be dating 6 or 7 months.

I've tried to tell him how I feel. I've told him that I can't make myself forget that he cheated before and him showing up late every evening with stupid excuses wasn't making me feel any better about trusting him again.

It might sound stupid but I have noticed when he gets home from work late he rolls his windows up and locks both doors. On days when he doesn't show up quite as late he leaves them down and the doors unlocked. As crazy as it sounds that makes me wonder too.

Strange, you think cheating before a logical explanation. BSing with the guys after work is how we unwind, especially if we know what going home means, a nagging, suspicious wife.

I don't know if he is cheating or not, but the way he leaves his car, is not proof.

For now I think your getting carried away, unless you have more that you haven't told us.

I don't know really. I guess there's no other evidence of anything. But at work when they don't have anything to do they sit in the office and BS. I mean that might be what he's doing at the end of the day but after 8 hrs. of being with them and me at home alone... I'm kind of wanting him to come home and be with me and the baby. I guess I'm being selfish...

Well what does he do for a living? Having meetings
With his coworkers may be an essential in his job.
Try calling his work and asking about a day such as
A holiday and ask them if he's off for that day and then
Sneak in the question, what time is he getting off work today?
Because he's been working "late". Does he spend his days off with
You? If he is then don't worry. If he doesn't ever get a day off, get
Suspicious. Since he already cheated on you, you do have a right
To be a bit suspicious when things get weird or out of norm. But if
This really keeps going on with the same time and he's getting paid
Still then don't worry it's probably his job.

Quote:

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I'm kind of wanting him to come home and be with me and the baby. I guess I'm being selfish...

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When I was Younger, a few hours of unwind time was normal after 8 hours at work, but then again, my wife was busy doing her own thing to be bothered by how late I was.

HMMMM, maybe doing your own thing a bit more, would make the being without hubby a bit easier?

Aintcha got no friends?? Family?? Hobbies?? Anything besides sitting at home worrying, and watching the clock, or the front door??

Yes, most of my time is spent at Mom's or with friends who haven't abandoned me since I had the baby. I don't watch the door all evening but it would be nice to spend some time with him other than sleeping.

Is he cheating? Who knows for sure. He drives 1 1/2 hrs to and from work with an 8 hour day, that's 11 hours a day . He's an hour late sometimes, maybe you should give the guy the benefit of the doubt for a change. If he's cheating then shame on HIM, if he's not, then shame on YOU. Maybe you're just trying to read too much into this.Until you find some ACTUAL proof of infidelity, enjoy your family, and concentrate your energy on something productive. Good luck to you and yours.

Be patient, this isn't high school any more, and its about reality.

The way you cope with your feelings is a lot more important in the real world, where life throws all kinds of things at us.

You really could stand with having a happy life without your husband, and sharing that feeling with him. He will notice that, but be patient, it's a very long process to work through.

The wife, and I are still working through it, and we have been together more than 3 decades.

When does the process end?? Never, as long as you live together, you will be working through something, or other.

Enjoy the ride. What you thought every thing would be like a fairy tale, happily ever after?

Thanks everyone for all the comments so far. It has made me look at things in a totally different way. I guess I love him so much I'm scared to lose him and trying to make it look like he is doing something when he's not so maybe I can push him away so that he don't end up hurting me first. But I do love him and couldn't imagine my life without him. Just worrying a little more than I should.

Threads merged


I need advice and I know you all give some of the best. I want to tell you all what is going on and just let me know what you think I should do...

Okay, my fiancé and I have been together over 4 great years. We have always been to others "the perfect couple" and we were. We never fought maybe those few little spats here and there but nothing extremely big. Our only flaw was that he cheated on me when we first started dating like six months into the relationship. This hurt me really bad. It hurt me more that I had to find out on my own, and when he told me that all that happened is they talked online and met once and talked and kissed. That was his whole story about her. I found this out a year after it happened. Then this year 3 years after the girl writes me a message asking about pregnancy. I was kind of upset that she would ever want to write me and ask me anything. That's what I told her too. My fiancé was acting really weird about me even messaging her back at all. So that made me curious, I messaged her and asked her what really happened between the two of them. I found out that it wasn't just a kiss and online chatting at all.
He was going to college the first two years of our relationship. Those few months that he was supposedly just talking to this girl online; he was also picking her up and taking her to and from high school on his way to and from college. I remember asking him why he was late a few times thinking for sure he was never cheating and I got some pretty lame excuses of which I believed. She also said that he had came to her house a few times and met her mom and dad. They had went out shopping and to eat together a few times. Then the big heartbreaker was that he took her virginity.
I found all of this out in Feb. or March of this year!! When I told him about what she had told me he immediately denied it. But I kept asking him all that day because he never would look at me when he would say he didn't do this stuff. That night I asked him one final time and he admitted to everything. I was heartbroken.
I went to stay with my mom a few days to sort things out and had no contact with him whatsoever. Then I thought it over and since it was three years ago I forgave him once more for lying and came back. Mainly because in the three years since it had happened we had moved in together in the past year and now have a 9 month old daughter.
Things went great for a long time, he got a new job, we went on vacation, everything was good once again.
Now, for the past month or more I have noticed a trend in him being later and later from work every day. For a little while it was just 30 minutes late and then an hour later and now an hour and a half later than he was normally getting home. I was worried that he might be up to no good again so lately I have been I guess what you call a nag wondering where he has been when he gets home. There's always a lame excuse to why he is late. Being a young couple and supposedly planning to be married next July you would think that we are still young and in love. What used to be an all the time thing, has now went to once a day with really no emotions whatsoever, and that is kissing and hugging. He hugs me one time and kisses me just a smack on the lips before he leaves for work every morning and that is it for the rest of the day.
I'm trying to hurry I'm so sorry guys. This morning I got up and made him some breakfast before he went to work. Being he gets up at 430 I got up at 4 just to give him a little surprise breakfast before he left. I went to wake him up and noticed that he had a huge bruise on the back of his leg... when asked how it happened he simply says I don't know. When he was walking out of the bedroom to get ready for work I saw another huge bruise on the front of his leg and he didn't know what happened there either. Well in my opinion if it hit hard enough to leave a big bruise you would remember what it was.
He acted really weird around me all morning and then while he was eating breakfast I asked if he still loved me because he was acting funny, in a playful way, and then he looked at me seriously and said I don't know. I became serious too after hearing that. I asked him why and he said that things were different now... and then he left and he did not kiss me, no hug, and not even an I love you; just Bye...
Now I'm really hurt and have already cried enough this morning to make a new river. Can anyone here help me? I really want this to work, I really do. What can I do to get that spark in our relationship back? Thanks.

First things first, I am really sorry he treated you like that. ANY woman that would get up at 4am to surprise me with breakfast is a keeper in my eyes, so kudos to you for trying to do something special... ;)

It is odd that you were considered the "perfect couple" and the ONLY thing that really happened was him cheating on you. Don't take it the wrong way, but I would rather some huge arguments than cheating to occur. At least then I would know we aren't holding our feelings in and seeking other avenues of release (such as cheating). It isn't your job to spark this relationship up. He seems untrustworthy at best and lacks compassion for someone like you who truly loves him. If he can't see that then perhaps you need to wake up and get out. The bruises are also nothing, I might add... I have gotten several with no idea how, so I don't really count them in my equation. He just seems distant and very unemotional towards you.

You two should talk this over and changes need to occur, long term too, and not just for a few months. Did he ever really express remorse for cheating on you? Doesn't seem like it. To me he sounds like a really ungreatful POS that takes advantage of things coming his way.

Thanks for the reply. I try to do things for him all the time, it makes me happy just to see him smile. I didn't mean to write that the way it came out about the only thing that happened was the cheating. People still considered us to be the perfect couple because only my close friends knew what happened.
I guess you are right about the bruises to I was just so upset when I posted I was worried about every detail. I look into things a little too much is my biggest problem... =S
He really did feel bad when he cheated, I know when he is being fake and lying and when he is not I guess from being around him so much. He really poured his heart out to me and I knew he regretted it, and the reason he did lie about what happened was because he was extremely scared of losing me and I heard this from his mom and dad.

I just want the affection back that I'm giving, how do I get that without just plain out asking for it. I mean I don't want a kiss just because I ask for it, I would like for him to just want to kiss me. If I'm washing dishes, or folding clothes it would make me feel so loved for him to just wrap his arms around me tell me he loves me and give me a kiss even if it is a small one on the forehead.
I already know that love and relationships are not always happily ever after all the time. That it has it ups and downs, but lately I want to feel more ups than downs. More love than... carelessness...

Although I've never been in a situation like that, my best bud has and is right now. Same story.

The only things I can see that they did is spend time away from each other. He works days and she watches the baby, then he gets home, she goes to work and it's his turn to watch the baby. Although the time apart was unintentional, it gave the relationship a dynamic angle (space) so when they would go out to eat or spend time together alone, it meant so much more. Also, throughout all of that, in their time off they had people over (me) and others to keep their mind off life.

I don't know what you would have to do, if anything, but all I can say is it's very important to have friends and your own lives outside of the relationship.

Again, I don't speak from experience so I don't know how much sense any of this makes, but it's just a thought.

Please keep all the questions about the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow the story.

Relationships are suppose to be natural. If things aren't going well, it means it's going downhill. You can try to re-spark the relationship, but sometimes it's inevitable.

It takes hard work from both people involved in the relationship to make it work. If one of the two aren't pulling their weight (or worse, no change, no progress), then the relationship is coming to an end.

Relationships and feelings are suppose to be natural. Feelings can change and you can't force someone to feel something that they don't. You can keep trying. You can keep hanging on. But if things don't get better, sometimes it's better to stop suffering and make a clean break.

However, a baby does complicate things because you will forever be connected. So keep trying to talk things out. Communication is key.

I'm a little fuzzy about the 'baby comes into the picture after 3 years' part. What baby? And under what circumstances does it suddenly "come into the picture?" And what kind of "financial problems" preclude you getting married even though you're living together? From this guy's point of view this question is far too vague to be able to give anything of a viable response. Please clarify.

We had a baby last year in October. It came into the picture because now it's not just the two of us, we are a family now. We're living together, yes, because a family member of mine is renting a house to us for a low payment. We barely have enough money to make it through from payday to payday and he wants to let me have that wedding I've always wanted, simple, but still a wedding. He just can't afford it right now.