My ex and I were together for just over three years and during that time I never met his mom or kids. The first year or so I never really pressed the issue I figured in due time I would meet them but then another year past and then another and I still didn't meet them. His brother and sister knew of me but we never met. He separated from his wife a little over a year before we met and claimed he wanted to protect the kids. I know that should have been a clue but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. (I know stupid and naive)
Three years into the relationship I unexpectedly got pregnant and he still didn't say anything to his mom or children. He seemed to change as well he withdrew a bit from me and only went to my first prenatal appt. After that he always had some excuse why he couldn't make it. At seven months pregnant I went into early labor and called him hysterical to tell him I was in labor on my way to the hospital. He lived across the street from the hospital so I figured he would meet me there... nope
My mom was with me and called him to let him know we arrived and filled him in. he came by for less than an hour and went back home. My labor was stopped but I had to stay in the hospital on bed rest. After being there for about 2 or 3 days he stayed one night out of the six days before I gave birth. During this whole time he was on vacation from work.
He finally told his mom about me and the baby the day I gave birth. He waited almost four months to tell the children and everybody else. Four days after I gave birth I had enough and called it quits. The last time he saw our son was the day before christmas eve at that time my son was 4 months. My son will be a year old next month and 2-1/2 weeks ago he calls out the blue making excuses and he wanted to see our son so he came by last tue and wed and again this tues and wed. he claimed when he was here that his kids text him and wanted to see pictures of their brother so he took some with his phone and sent them. After he left I noticed he left his phone so I looked at his text messages. The message he claimed came from his kids was from his ex saying the kids wanted pictures of the kids and he text her the pictures umm hello his kids have their own cell phones why did he have to send it to her. On top of that Apparently from the texts he gets from this women he has a new girlfriend. The times that he has been by to see our son he's telling this person he's going to the gym. Again he's hiding my son. I just don't understand why would someone do that. I just have such a disgust and anger towards him I don't even want him around. He doesn't do anything for my son and it really surprised me because he's there physically and financially for his other children.

Deleted for text chat!!!

Despite whatever emotions and what not you may be experiencing, there are 2 basic facts ; 1.) he has an obligation to support his (and your) son, and 2.) he has a right to raise, nurture and be every bit a part of his (and your) son's life. Now, legal action is required on your part in order to enforce his support obligation. You file a motion for child support and custody and he (presumably) files a response containing his own requests for custody, visitation and possibly his own counter-proposal for child support. Now, failure on the part of one parent to exercise his/her rights does not erase his/her obligations. And conversely, failure on the part of one parent to exercise his/her obligations (and a corresponding failure on the part of the other parent to enforce those obligations) does not erase his/her rights. Obviously the courts like to deal with everything as a package deal ; motions for child support, custody and visitation all in one hearing. These can all be addressed in one motion and the other party's counter-motion.

I get that he has the right to be a part of our son's life but no one stopped him from being around in the first place. When he called me two weeks ago and asked to see the baby after not being around for 6 months I said it was OK despite my feeleing of anger towards him. It's not even about the money if he cared at all for our son he would've never kept him a secret from anyone and in my opinion still doing so if he's telling his girlfriend or wahtever she happends to be to him that he's going to the gym to work out when in fact he's coming over to see our
Son.
As far as money goes, we had an agreement when I was about 5 months pregnant. I asked him if he would mind paying for childcare and I would pay for everything else and he agreed that he would pay. I don't know about anyone else but that to me was more than generous of me. I had to pay for clothes, pampers, formula, wipes, etc etc which adds up too much more than the daycare cost. I have not seen a dime from him ever. He supports his other children from a previous marriage the support also includes his wife ( I say wife because although he moved out years ago they never leagally separated or divorced) she doesn't work and he pays for everything in the house. When it came to paying the childcare he claimed he had no money well who would if your paying for everything.

I just think this type of behavior is ridiculous for a 41 year old man.

You have had enough red flags over the course of your 3 years to know he conducts his business and responsibilities in a half a$$ manner.

Make sure you conduct your business better than he does, and get child support through the courts, and that covers visitations, and any other issue, except his behavior, and conduct.

You can't control his actions, only yours, no matter how ridicules it is to you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have had enough red flags over the course of your 3 years to know he conducts his business and responsibilities in a half a$$ manner.

Make sure you conduct your business better than he does, and get child support thru the courts, and that covers visitations, and any other issue, except his behavior, and conduct.

You can't control his actions, only yours, no matter how ridicules it is to you.

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I think when your in a situation when you truly love someone regarless of how you are treated you tend to not see or choose not to see the red flags. Stupid I know but in most cases this is just how it is.

Looking back I know I was REALLY naïve but I can't change the past but I can make the future better. As far as support he has done nothing and at this point I don't even want it. I know what you must be thinking... "well the support is not for you but for the care of the child". If I have to fight and obligate someone to take care of their responsibility I just don't even want to be bothered. He can see our son when he would like I wouldn't deprive him of that despite the fact I can't stand the sight of him.

Harsh alert

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I know what you must be thinking... "well the support is not for you but for the care of the child".

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I am a father, and children are damned expensive, and how dare you deprive your child of all he deserves MOM!!

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If I have to fight and obligate someone to take care of their responsibility I just don't even want to be bothered.

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You would fight for your child's rights?? That's BS, and you know it.

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He can see our son when he would like I wouldn't deprive him of that despite the fact I can't stand the sight of him.

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What does how you feel about the no good MFer, have to do with making a healthy, happy life for your child??

You got life and BS all mixed up, but I have faith you will give it thought, and do whatever it takes for your child, despite how you feel.

Do the right thing!!!!!! Not what feels good, that how this mess started.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Harsh alert


I am a father, and children are damned expensive, and how dare you deprive your child of all he deserves MOM!!!

You would fight for your child's rights????????? Thats BS, and you know it.

What does how you feel about the no good MFer, have to do with making a healthy, happy life for your child????

You got life and BS all mixed up, but I have faith you will give it thought, and do whatever it takes for your child, despite how you feel.

Do the right thing!!!!!! Not what feels good, that how this mess started.

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I know children are expensive I have been doing it all on my own thus far!
I'm not depriving my son from all he deserves emotionally or finacially and I don't think I have let how I feel about his dad get in the way of my son having a healthy, happy life.
My son has no idea how I feel about his dad. I never bad mouth him or act like a total you know what when he has come by to see him.

Emotionally:
His father is allowed to see and spend time with our son when he feels the need to do so within reason ie; not at 2am or something like that. The visits that he asked for 2 weeks ago out of the blue after being absent and prior to that not really being around was NOT court ordered. It was my choice to allow it... His father was absent because he chose to be, not for anything I did or said to keep him away. If one day he decided he didn't want to see my son ever again what should I do take him to court for visitation to obligate him to see our son... of course not. I would feel devistated and hurt for my son but there's nothing I can do to make someone want to be there physically.

Finacially:
In the beginning I asked my ex if he could please pay for the daycare after I had been struggling to pay it because he never gave me the money to pay it... Even though that was an agreement we had when I was in the middle of my pregnancy. He would pay for chilcare and I would pay for the rest ie; pampers, formula, etc, etc.
His excuse was he was completley broke since his ex doesn't work he pays for he mortgage on the house, and supplies the ex with money for the kids but on top of that gives them additional money. (yeah that's not my problem)

I do the best I can for my son, It's hard but I'm doing the best I can. All I can say is I'm there physically,emotionally, and finacially for our son.
If I take him to court for financial obligation I know I would only get pennies. He makes good money but he also has a few children from the previous marriage and pays all these other things and of course I would imagine they take a look at your financial state before they determine what you would pay for child support.

The issue to me is not the money, he needs to be there for our son physically and that I can't force anyone to do... either you want to do it or you don't.
My son is my world, I just don't understand why anyone would keep their child a secret as he's done from anyone.
Yeah he told his his mom the day I gave birth about him and his siblings almost 4 months after his birth.
For reasons unknown he now is keeping my son a secret yet again by texting this women and saying he's going to the gym to work out when in fact he's visiting with our son.
I don't know about anyone else but my children are my pride and joy not a burden or something to keep in the shadows.
If he truly had an interest he would not be a part-time dad if I can even call him that. As minimal as it is I know he has the right if so he chooses to be around.

I know it's really, really hard, but it's impossible to understand people's actions sometimes.

I hear your anger and frustration, but you may never understand why he kept you and your child a secret and why he plays his stupid, immature, little games.

You can't make him do anything or be anything for your son but you can make sure that your son gets financial support from him, so I DO think it's worth pursuing him through the courts. It's easy to say you don't care now, but in 10 years time when you need the money at least there will be something in place to ensure those payments are made.

Your son may want to know his father so you may also have to swallow your disgust and allow them to spend time together. Rather than waiting for sporadic phone calls, you call the shots. Set up a roster - say a day a fortnight and let your Ex know that he can see him at those times.

Don't waste your time wondering why he behaved the way he did. He's a jerk. Spend some time ensuring that your son is supported by the man that fathered him.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I know it's really, really hard, but it's impossible to understand people's actions sometimes.

I hear your anger and frustration, but you may never understand why he kept you and your child a secret and why he plays his stupid, immature, little games.

You can't make him do anything or be anything for your son but you can make sure that your son gets financial support from him, so I DO think it's worth pursuing him through the courts. It's easy to say you don't care now, but in 10 years time when you need the money at least there will be something in place to ensure those payments are made.

Your son may want to know his father so you may also have to swallow your disgust and allow them to spend time together. Rather than waiting for sporadic phone calls, you call the shots. Set up a roster - say a day a fortnight and let your Ex know that he can see him at those times.

Don't waste your time wondering why he behaved the way he did. He's a jerk. Spend some time ensuring that your son is supported by the man that fathered him.

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I see your point, It really is hard at times to forget the hurt that he has caused with his actions. It's facinates me that he has not apologized for anything he has done. I have my days when I just don't care or should I say try to forget everything and then at times I have this emotional rollercoaster and cry and get enraged at what he's done. I know in time this will pass. I will not forget what he did but learn to get past it.
Thanks again for everyone's advice on this situation.
When he first came by 2 or 2-1/2 weeks ago, we have decided to make the visits twice a week.

I get that your English may not be great but your posts are full of chat, and text language, and spelling and since I can't warn you by PM, the text of your post was deleted, and I left the message that way. Help me out here.