Ask Me Help Desk - He says he loves me but.

My boyfriend say he loves me but sometimes he shows it and sometimes he doesn't. Like sometimes when we go swimming he wants nothing to do with me but today all he wanted to do was hang out with me... we spent the entire day together... and I thought he acted like this because of the pretty white girls that were around when we go there... but they were there today too and he paid them no mind... I have told him about how it makes me feel but sometimes I don't think he understands because of how I explain it because its hard for me to open up to guys with out confusing myself and them at the same time. I'm 20 and he's 17 about to be 18... sexually he puts me first and thinks about himself last and sometimes when I tell him that I have orgasmed he says he's done and that he doesn't need to... I insist on him letting me ride him but he says no and that he's happy... he tells me my is to wet... (sometimes it is really wet and I don't know why and then other times its annoyingly dry and I have to keep putting spit on it and it just dries up again) and sometimes its to dry... but he says he loves making love to me... but I still think its something to do with me... but back on subject:

It's just sometimes the way he acts and what he says don't make me feel like he loves me but he always tells me he does and that he wants to be with me... should I let this bother me or should I just try to understand where he's coming from because he's so young? Does he love me? :confused:

My ex boyfriend did this to me, too. One day he'd think I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the next day it was like I didn't exist!

I think it comes down to maturity. My ex was a chucklehead, and therefore immature. I never wanted him to be all over me all the time and coddle me every time I did something, but totally ignoring me left me feeling unloved. I later found out he was pulling away and slowly replacing me with new friends.

Sometimes guys are just in their own little world. I don't think they always purposely ignore women, but no doubt it's annoying.

Also, you mentioned that he ignored you because other girls were around. That should be a red flag to you. Remember what I said about my ex replacing me? I'm not saying that is your case, too, but you're having problems with him giving other women unnecessary attention, how will you trust him later?

I think you would be better off dating someone more your age, or a little older. 17 year-olds aren't going to want to stay "tied down" for too long periods and will go looking to see more what's out there (I'm assuming you want a long-term relationship with him).

Bottom line: he's immature.

I think I know how you feel... it is a confusing situation. I'm curious how much time you usually spend with him because if it's like everyday or too frequent, then it could be because he just needs space sometimes. Also, just want to say this because you wrote much about it, I think it's really sweet when a guy puts your sexual needs and desires before hisown, esp. because it seems like guys typically are more set on getting off themselves or getting laid you know.
As for being in love... you must know that no one is going to tell you yes or no. I-personally-would ike to hope for you that he is because it sounds like that's what would make you happy, but if he turns out not to, I think that's great because then it wasn't meant to be.
This may be purely my opinion(of course) but I put faith in love having to go both ways. For instance, you can't truly be in love with someone that doesn't love you back.
It sounds to me like he may just be young, but that's only because I'm merely 15 and wouldn't know the full extent of a persons maturity in the aspect of relationships. Some guys may just be like that regardless of age, but all the guys I've been with(pretty much) act the same sexually and otherwise.
Give it time; see how long it lasts, how he continues to ask, if you can get any emotionally closer, etc. But if it doesn't work out(not saying that it won't) just remember that there are plenty more fishes in the sea and you've got years more of possible experiences before you need to make a dession or find some one you can call "your love"
When it feels like its true... I think that's when it is.
Good luck to you, I really hope everything works out and if not then I hope you charrish your experiences, learn from them, and are at least in love with every moment you had with this boy(for even when it may seem bad, it's often benifcial) Enjoy yourself out there, try not to get too hung up on labling it love or not just yet.
~Harley =]
P.S. Sorry this is so long and I freaking run my mouth forever restating what are probably pretty obvious things. =p

... Omg; I can make faces on this?? :eek: Sweeeeet.

What does a 20 year old woman want with a 17 year old boy? If I ever found out my son was being taken advantage of by an older woman - I would be so angry at him and at the woman. At 20, I would never even consider a relationship with a younger man - especially a teenager. I know you said he was going to turn 18 but nonetheless it doesn't make it look any better still, I am not here to judge you so here it goes.

Regardless, because he is so young and evidently you are his first sexual encounter - he is in all probability not sure if he is in love or maybe he is unsure of the relationship. Love is a powerful word because of everything it stands for and with all due respect you BOTH are so young and you BOTH have a lot to learn about relationships and what it truly means... love isn't an emotion and feelings have nothing to do with it but they are nice little additions. Love is unconditional. It also isn't uncommon for a teenager to have doubts - this might explain his push and pull (wanting to spend time with you to not wanting to spend time with you and things like that). This is normal.

One thing for you to keep in mind is he is turning 18... not sure what is considered "adult" where you are but here it is 18 and at that age you can go clubbing, buy adult goods/services and drive. Maybe where you are its 21? But regardless... he will be having a bit more fun with the boys and a bit less time for you.

You talk about sex with him as good and he complains about you either being over lubricated or dry? He doesn't really know and he is figuring it all out... your body by all means is responding to stimulus and every woman (pending on the stimulation/experience/sensation/emotion) can be either more lubricated or less lubricated. Your normal but maybe his take on it is new. Since he is inexperienced in the bedroom arena... he is unsure of his body and may not erect or orgasm. Maybe he feels pressure or he is insecure. For him it will take time in bed to know his preference and to explore a little more. Don't have any expectations of him in bed... if your happy and he say's he is happy then it's OK.

In response to xoxaprilwine... I am not his first sexual encounter... and furthermore... my parents are 10 years apart and his mother dats a man that is 22 and she's 43 and they have been together since her boyfriend was 15... she has no problem with us dating and it wasn't me who came on to him it was him who came on to me I didn't want to do it at first and then I realized that he treated me better than any guy my age that I have been in a relationship ever has... he bought me things for valentines day and my birthday with out me asking he remembers the day we started dating and gets me things every anniversary and he takes care of me we live together in his parents house and age is nothing but a number... it's the person inside that counts.. we just started having sex... and I'm hapy its he's confused about whether he loves me or not I think... and I was searchin for help and to see what others think... and thank you to distortedsweeti you showed true compassion when you answered my question and your onli 15... a lot more insightful than xoxaprilwine

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I know you said he was going to turn 18 but nonetheless it doesn't make it look any better still, I am not here to judge you so here it goes.

I can say this as a mother and don't take it to the heart (I am not talking about your parents or his parents but ME as a parent) - this is an opinion and yes age will not matter once he is not a minor. P.S. the adult is always held accountable - and your smart you know that - so it doesn't matter if he came on to you - your the adult. Also I was giving you support and these are the short form points - maybe that will be easier to read?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

he is in all probability not sure if he is in love or maybe he is unsure of the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

with all due respect you BOTH are so young and you BOTH have a lot to learn about relationships

We change so much over the years... think about 5 years ago and think of yourself today. I guarantee you will be changed in 5 years and once you have some children... it will change again - that is a general observation because some people change for the better and some for the worse - different life experiences. This isn't cutting you down... but you are 20 and I remember when I was 20 - wow it was fun but I am I different now - husband, 2 kids and bills later :).

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

It also isn't uncommon for a teenager to have doubts - this might explain his push and pull (wanting to spend time with you to not wanting to spend time with you and things like that). This is normal.

I remember being 16/17/18 and breaking up with my steady boyfriend because I was scared of commitment and my own feelings (validating them) - by the way it was love because I am married to that boyfriend now - anything is possible but he is almost a year older then me (I was 16 and he was 17). And it makes no difference if it was the male overage and the female underage - same rule applies but only to me - that is only my opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

But regardless...he will be having a bit more fun with the boys and a bit less time for you.

Just letting you know not to be insecure because there will be challenging times ahead... trust him and don't worry about anyone or any other attractive females - temptation is always there. Be confident in yourself and he will take well to that asset. Pretend jealousy does not exist and pay no attention to the other girls (though we all feel that way sometimes).

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

your body by all means is responding to stimulus and every woman (pending on the stimulation/experience/sensation/emotion) can be either more lubricated or less lubricated. Your normal but maybe his take on it is new. Since he is inexperienced in the bedroom arena...he is unsure of his body and may not erect or orgasm. Maybe he feels pressure or he is insecure. For him it will take time in bed to know his preference and to explore a little more. Don't have any expectations of him in bed...if your happy and he say's he is happy then it's ok.

I was confirming here that there is NOTHING wrong with your body; maybe it is just his take - usually if a guy makes a comment like that then he hasn't had sex or is inexperienced... that's all (I draw out my own assumptions on it but it did help to get the whole story). There is no reason for you to become upset and I was trying to help; so I am sorry you misunderstood me or maybe didn't get the whole message because of my opinion on the age factor. I do think though, you would be much happier with a man of your own caliber (in every way (not age related)) and I do wish you the best. I know on this site that sometimes you will hear what you want to hear because that person approves and then there are things you won't want to hear because you don't agree and/or the other person disapproves of your actions, behavior or thoughts on the matter. Or maybe because it is a different point of view and it is nice to look at the big picture - open our minds to new ideas. It's all wonderful because it gives you something to think about... I have had so much help here even from those I didn't agree with. After a while I think about what they said and like a wave it hits me and I get it. There is no wrong or right answer for you - you just want confirmation and I can't give you that but I can give you my opinion and advice since we are all here to give and receive it - HEY I am not perfect either - I have my own mistakes and my victories.

Your choices don't define you; it's what you learn from it that does. Take what you think is valuable out of each post and draw out your own conclusions because you have a defined right not to accept it - I know it's a vulnerable situation to put yourself out there and you will always be a good person and the one that loves you will see that, that is all that counts.

God bless,

April

Yo, this the same thing with me! The only difference is I'm a guy and my girl is doing this to me. She loved me and couldn't get enough the first month(and I don't mean sexually, I wish, lol). Now she's distant and getting along with her is pretty hard. She says I'm perfect cause I know how to treat her but now she won't even tell me she loves me. It was better when we were just friends. :( Let me know what you all think!

Well thank you xoxaprilwine... I appreciate you clearing that up... and again he has slept with more people than I have... and for all who must know in the state of Virginia the age of consent is 16... he's 17 going on 18... last night we had a talk and I got a lot of stuff of my shoulders that I realli needed to say... and I feel a lot bette now and he said a lot of stuff that he needed to say... so as for right now we are doing fine and I thank you all for your advice and I will fill you guys in if I need anymore advice thank you!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by roshell

well thank you xoxaprilwine... i appreciate you clearing that up... and again he has slept with more people than i have.... and for all who must know in the state of Virginia the age of consent is 16.... he's 17 goin on 18.... last night we had a talk and i got alot of stuff of my shoulders that i realli needed to say... and i feel alot bette now and he said alot of stuff that he needed to say... so as for right now we are doing fine and i thank you all for your advice and i will fill you guys in if i need anymore advice thank you!!!

Thank you, that makes me feel better. Just keep it positive, curb the jealousy and go with the flow.