Ask Me Help Desk - I cannot trust him

New here, and I finally got up the courage to post about this.

I've been with my man for 10 years, we're not married, we're living common law, but we tend to just say married, husband and wife. It was easier than explaining every time someone asked what our relationship was.

We have two children together.

This is my problem. I no longer trust him with my feelings or anything in my life. He's proven himself unreliable, sullen, mean, and childish. I have numerous examples from simple things such as, ignoring the children's bedtime when we've agreed to try to keep them on a schedule, then telling anyone we're around that I'm being uptight etc. to more extreme things, such as abandoning me at a wedding where I was the matron of honor because he didn't feel I was paying enough attention to him. I ripped a tendon in my ankle when my son was stilll under a year old, and I still had to do everything for him. I've been throwing up with my head in the toilet ill, and he'll walk out the door leaving me to take care of two small c hildren. He's left me without food, and no transportation. My first night on the board of directors, I came home to chaos, the house was a disaster, the kids had fallen asleep in their clothes after coloring on my floor and they told me the next day that daddy just drank and watched TV, ignoring them.

This is where it gets confusing for me. He does all these awful things, and then when I reach the end of my rope he's pull a switch. He'll be super husband, and a good man too. Doing things for me and his children without asking. Being a decent human being. It's seems it only lasts as long as he needs to convince me that he is a good person.

I've nearly lost my mind and my entire sense of self, twisting about to BE what he needed me to, trying anything and everything to make the relationship work. I left him for two weeks a few years ago, and returned on the promise that we'd go to counseling. I pushed and pushed for it, but he's never gone, he won't even set up an appointment.

I've been hurt so many times by him that I can't bear to let down my guard because I know, I mean I really really KNOW that he'll end up hurting me. I've thought things would be so much easier if he WAS physically abusive, because I've spent years wonder if it is emotional abuse or if I AM over emotional and stupid and uncaring.

I have epilepsy, uncontrolled, and because of it, I can be dependent... AT TIMES, and totally independent at others. I understand that makes an inconsistancy in our lives, but he knew this before we got together. He knew my history of PTSD and anxiety as well. I"ve never hidden anything from him. I spent a good chunk of my life on Disability because of brain damage.

And i know that a relationship takes two, and that i DO drive him made with my "nagging" (though he won't do anything without it. We've been home from vacation for four days now and he hasn't lifted a finger in the house, or with the children, and he doesn't have a physically demanding job, he's a salesman!)

I have to take care of everything from finances, children, food, sports, medical, everything because he'll say he's doing things, but never follow through. I had to pay off a 15,000 bill of his because he wouldn't even phoen the company.
My question, that I ask myself all the time, and I'm now asking this forum, is should I continue to stay? I've put ten years into this and I'm nowhere still but full of pain and sorrow.

Is common law recognized in your State?

I'm in Canada, BC. Here you are declared common law as soon as you live together for one year, or you have a child together. After that you must do taxes together, etc.

Legally it means any seperations are dealt with the same as a divorce, minus the need to sign papers. Custody agreements, 50/50 splits of assets, etc

Okay - I'm not familiar with Canadian law as it concerns divorces.

As far as the personal advice - if there is more sorrow than joy, in my eyes it's time to leave the relationship.

You need a legal counsel for your legal issues.

As for your relationship issues:

No trust = no relationship

Definitely time to let him go and move on with your life. No reason to prolong the pain and suffering.

It must be difficult when he can flip a switch and be the type of mate you want when it is his choice to do so.It sounds kind of manipulative on his part.He will do what you want just to get you off his back for a brief time.

That gives you false hope,this time its going to stick.

Clearly,he knows what your expectations are but only responds to nagging and that is no good for anyone,especially children who have to listen to it!

Have you ever tried sitting down and making up a chart that clearly indicates what everyone's responsibility in the house is?

I notice one very key element is missing in your post,there is no mention of the word love.By its absence,I think that is telling.

Nobody likes to give up on an invested relationship but as Judy said if there is more sorrow than joy,its time to leave.I agree and for the most part because no children should have to live in a home with two unhappy parents.

No matter how much you think they are being sheltered from the problems,I am sure you could cut the tension in your house with a knife.

Bottom line is ,you don't just have to do what is right for you but your kids as well.They will suffer long term if they have to continue to live with emotional chaos.It will impact how they deal with problems and how they deal with future mates.

We all deserve happiness in this life,that's all I know.If not happiness,at least a sense of serenity.

Kind of surprises me that it took you ten years to discover these problems. Consult legal advise is the best suggestion that anyone can give you. As none of us know your exact circumstances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

Kind of surprises me that it took you ten years to discover these problems. consult legal advise is the best suggestion that anyone can give you. As none of us know your exact circumstances.

Maybe it took her 10 years to get fed up with him.

I think you should really decide if you should stay or go on your own terms. He won't change overnight and it honestly doesn't sound like he wants to make any effort despite your requests. The only power you have is to change yourself and/or your situation. Kids, diaper changes/feedings/entertaining, housework/yard work, laundry, bills/budgeting/finances/debts/loans, dinner and of course work. It seems you have taken on a lot of the responsibility as he eats, watches t.v. sleeps and works (as he absolves and excuses his own behavior/actions to deter from his parental and partner responsibility with the children and yourself) and by the sounds of it has no respect for your efforts (if he spent time with the children then the house is a very minor detail – but it sounds as if he does neither and to me that is a lack of respect for you). You have not taken the time to take care of yourself and feel that you need to control things because if you don't do any of these things; you know nothing will be done. You truly are the rock in the home but now you are feeling emotionally strained, physically tired and the energy you once had has dissipated because of disappointment from your partner.

I learned that if you don’t give someone the power to your body, mind or spirit that you will better have the ability to recognize an abuser (what is not acceptable should never be accepted) or to say in the least a less ambitious or goal driven man – it sounds as if he has his own emotional issues and it reflects on his parenting skills. If you leave him with no power over you then you will not be disappointed. In other words; he has been this way for 10 years and you knew this entering the relationship…in some sense you thought that you could look past his flaws. Only thing is, is how big are his flaws and does he make up for what he lacks in some other sense?

There is no balance in your life. This is why you come up with the big question…should I stay or should I go. This will not give you balance. Self empowerment is extremely effective and it starts with you…not him, not the kids, not work and not the house. Have you time to invest in yourself as a person for at least 15 minutes a day? Do you have a personal mission statement? Does your family have a mission statement? Once you have made one I can tell you that it leads a basic understanding of yourself and your families goals, aspirations and what to move towards as one stride, coexisting and being clear…the worst thing is not to have any direction in the next 5 to 10 years from now. First approach is to building basic understanding and effective communication (giving, listening, interpreting and receiving then responding appropriately to the message). Discuss this in terms that would not lead to nagging…you are trying to build a mutual understanding to address the core issue. If he is not receptive then let it go and try another time…maybe somewhere where the two of you can be apart from the children…these type of situations should not be discussed in front of them anyhow.

Only control what you can and don’t stress about what is not within your ability to control…know the difference or it will drive you mad thus adding unnecessary fear and depression in your life. Take care of yourself and the children (as their welfare (physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally) is priority over everything). Get out of the house and start having some fun with your own personal activities/hobbies and with the children…don’t plan around him and don’t wait for him. He may then realize he is missing out and if he doesn’t then it only strains his relationships with his children and you…once you have time to clearly think this through, and then make your decision as every reaction has a consequence. Don’t look at things from a reactive type of way, win-win NOT win-lose and know that there is always a third alternative. If you need to take a brief vacation with the children down to Pentiction or Kelowna…GO and enjoy yourself – liberate yourself. If you absolutely can not bear it then leave as you know he will not change; only you can decide.

As it goes for the legal aspect…BC is different then AB (from my experience working on files with firms in BC – the process is much different) or from one Province to another so I couldn’t help you but I know a few lawyers and work for a huge firm that is also situated in Vancouver and Regina.

Best regards.

I guess I should delve into the past a little in respect to how I got together with him with all these flaws. It's not much of an excuse but I honest did not notice. I was recovering from an accident, (I was hit by a truck) and brain surgery, and I can say that I was not truly myself.

In a way, I feel like is partially to blame for where I am today. Were I in a more sane frame of mind at the time, and not had children, it wouldn't take much for me to leave him.

In fact, when I think of it, if I didn't have children with him, then I would be gone from this relationship. That is very telling in itself.

Thank you all for your advice, and reflection on this matter is what I really need.

I'm so sorry that things have worked out this way. I often wonder what life would be like without my disablities. If I could drive, or work, or if I had the stamina to work AND raise kids without ending in masses of seizures. It's almost as if I feel as trapped by my disabilites as by his behaviour.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kanchellsis

I guess I should delve into the past a little in respect to how i got together with him with all these flaws. It's not much of an excuse but i honest did not notice. I was recovering from an accident, (i was hit by a truck) and brain surgery, and I can say that I was not truely myself.

In a way, I feel like is partially to blame for where i am today. Were i in a more sane frame of mind at the time, and not had children, it wouldn't take much for me to leave him.

In fact, when i think of it, if i didn't have children with him, then i would be gone from this relationship. That is very telling in itself.

Thank you all for your advice, and reflection on this matter is what i really need.

I'm so sorry that things have worked out this way. I often wonder what life would be like without my disablities. If I could drive, or work, or if i had the stamina to work AND raise kids without ending in masses of seizures. It's almost as if I feel as trapped by my disabilites as by his behaviour.

Remember that the choices you make have lead you to where you are and who you are today. You can not say that you choose otherwise because the choice was there and the choice was made. There are no mistakes about your life and you have two beautiful children from this relationship. Do not regret and only look forward. I am sorry about your accident and I could not possibly imagine dealing with your disability on top of your responsibilities. Do not let your disability disable you - you are capable and you are definitely deserving... look at what you have done insofar and be proud of your accomplishments and all that you can do. If you are suffering; you need time to reflect and make the right choice in the right frame of mind. The choices you make are not what define you... it is how you feel inside. If you are not happy, there is help, you live in Canada... explore your options through the Health Center and Woman Assistance Programs. Don't let certain details stop you... your decisions for staying because of kids... you know is wrong for you. Why stay if you are unhappy? Your children are unhappy? If you guys can work this out together... try that first. Take a break and think this through clearly and don't make a irrational decision... take your time as there is no immediate threat.

You have been through a lot, and your frustration is very understandable, and so is the feeling of being overwhelmed. I understand that, but I imagine so has your husband. I have no doubt he feels the same way too. Overwhelmed and frustrated.

That you have to nag for him to do something, or it won't get done is telling about your whole attitude, but I have to say, its never all about you and your problems, nor about his behavior, and his problems.

Its always about how well you work together to RESOLVE those problem. For that you both have to be willing, and that takes honest communications, and not nagging.

Not many husbands are perfect all the time, I sure ain't for sure, but I can tell you whatever adjustments, and communications you have between you, is not working, and maybe a separation while you both think of a better plan, while you ponder what you both want maybe what you need now.

Maybe his best isn't good enough for you, so separate so you both get some space, at least some time away from each other, so you can have some peace with your own thoughts and emotions.

What's really telling is he has been there for 10 years, while you can't work, or drive, and are disabled, he must have done somethings right even if its not all the time, yet he gets no credit for anything until nag him.

Maybe he expects too much, maybe you expect too much, I don't know, but take the time for some honest self evaluation, before you make this life changing decision.

Your post reeks of sadness and exhaustion, and I think that you intuitively know what the way forward is.

You've given the relationship your best shot and clearly it's not possible to sustain the level of despair and sadness that you feel. It feels like you've really given it your best shot. I think that it's time to move on and rebuild your confidence and to find some joy in your life again.

Regarding your health, I'm concerned that your epilepsy is un-medicated. Why? My stepdaughter is epileptic, so I understand a little about the condition, and I know that there are a range of drugs which can be used to either control or reduce the incidence of seizures. In this day and age, you shouldn't have to be a victim to your condition and I'm curious as to why you don't take medication for it.