Ask Me Help Desk - Husband Thinks I Cheated But I Didn't

Please help. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband read a few texts on my phone yesterday from a former co-worker, that, I admit has been a little too friendly... actually way too friendly up to the point where he has been courting me even though I am married. He started as a friend at work and nothing more and he actually respected my marriage and didn't try anything funny in the beginning. As time went by and especially around the time I left that job (a couple of months ago) he started flirting more and more and sending me texts like "I wish I had someone like you" "You're the best" "My world is shattered when you are not around". I usually used to delete them because--and this is where I realize I have made a terrible mistake--I knew it was wrong of me to have that go on in the first place. To not say "hey, leave me alone, I'm married". I used to go along with it, and sometimes when he said he misses me and misses having me around at work, I'd say I miss him too (because like I said, we did start as friends, and he's a funny guy and we used to get along). Never, not even once did I consider doing anything more than returning his texts (and I know, I shouldn't have stayed in contact with him, but nobody's perfect and that is my mistake). I never went out with him and never did anything else.. basically I never cheated on my husband! I could never do anything like that but apparently my husband thinks I can because last night I went through hell.

I went through hell because I came home from work and he admitted seeing the texts that morning and basically all hell broke loose: he accused me of cheating and said I'm a nasty cheater and a liar and that I'm disgusting and that he doesn't want to look at me ever again. It got pretty nasty and he even threatened he would kill himself if I didn't leave him alone. He said he's asked me before if there's anything I'm hiding from him (he asked me about a month ago when we were up in Niagara Falls, he said he feels like something is wrong and asked if I'm hiding anything, and I said NO because, honestly, nothing was going on! And there was nothing to hide! What was I supposed to say? I'm getting these texts from a former co-worker and I'm not stopping it because it makes me feel good?) Now he just sees me as a liar and cheater.. he wants nothing to do with me. He left for work this morning but I don't even know what his plans are, if he's coming home or leaving me.

I've never felt so much pain in my life. I feel like somebody just tore my heart out. I don't know what to do. I know I made a mistake and the fact that: that stupid mistake that could have easily been avoided caused all of this, devastates me and that it is all my fault.

Now to explain why I even stayed in contact and responded to the texts is a totally different story. For the past couple of years I've been feeling neglected and not loved. My husband rarely ever says I love you. He never compliments me. We never talk. It's like we just live together and love each other (well at least I love him) and that's that. We've been together for a total of 8 years, married 4 years. We've always had problems. We always used to fight a lot.. and he's been through some tough times and I have been through some tough times and I think it has just changed him.. it made me love him even more and want to be with him even more but it seems like our past has just broken him and has put a distance between us. And I guess this is why I am devastated now while he is just ready to up and leave and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

About the txting, what I'm saying is that I guess I'm only human (and I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour I'm just trying to find some sort of an explanation as to why I would do it) I've been feeling lonely and neglected and feeling like I give love and don't really get it back.. and I guess I was just trying to fill that void. And when this former co-worker/friend started flirting and saying nice things like how beautiful I am and how great I am, I didn't want to cut it off. I liked it, and the only way I could get it is if I responded. Never was I interested in doing anything more with him nor have I cheated or was planning on cheating. I am actually disgusted when I think of cheating on him :( :( I could never ever do it. It's evil and disgusting and I've made mistakes but I have morals and I know when to stop.

I love my husband so much and I just want to be with him :( I know that we can't go back now and that everything's ruined. What do I do?? He doesn't believe me and he just keeps calling me a liar and a cheater and that god knows what I did and what I am not telling him. He doesn't want me to talk to him and if I walk towards him or get close to him he freaks out and gets kind of scary. He's threatened that if I don't leave him alone and let him be he won't come back when he leaves the house.

Please help. Please.

P.S. I know a lot of your are going to say marriage counseling. But that is not an immediate option since he refuses to even talk to me. But even in the future should he choose to speak to me again, he doesn't believe in therapy. So I really don't know what to do :( :(

Give him time.

His emotions are too raw right now to expect instant forgiveness.

Let him know that you know you messed up and let him know you truly understand his pain.That is very important!

Even though *nothing happened*,in his mind something did happen.It is emotional cheating and he feels understandably betrayed.

To throw away eight years because you were feeling flattered would be an awful injustice.In time,he may come to understand that.

Whatever you do ,do not point an accusing finger at him because he was failing to make you feel appreciated.There will be time for that later.

Right now,leave him alone and let him know how sorry you are and that you understand his pain and stay out of his way.

Do not try to invalidate his feelings by saying it was nothing.It is something to him,just as it was to you.

Let him be for now and wait until his emotions have calmed down and then discuss this.

I'll be brutally honest.

To some, this would be considered cheating; emotionally. No matter what your reasons, I do think it was wrong of you to continue with the flirtations.

It will take time to let your husband sort this out. Once he does, you may be able to convince him nothing physical happened. It will be much harder to convince him you didn't cheat on him mentally/emotionally.

It'll take time, for sure. How long, is anyone's guess. Good luck

I know this may sound weird.. But aside from what she just said *reads above* Trying to communicate isn't a bad thing. Write him a letter. Heck, print out this page and write a note with it and leave it where he will read it. If you leave a note out and say nothing to him, chances are he will read it. He looked in your phone, after all. There aren't going to be the right words to make it all better, but he needs to know these things, and without therapy at least that's an option. My husband and I e-mail letters back and forth all of the time. He's learning how to communicate, and I over communicate, so it helps him feel like he can express himself in his own way and in his own time without me trying to explain himself to him.

Other than that, you need to tell this other guy that you aren't interested. Not only was this selfish of you, but you could have just potentially ruined three people's lives. I know you know this already, but he needs to know, and if your husband ever asks you, you will have made the effort to make it clear to the other guy you are only interested in your husband. You're going to have to do a lot to fix that hurt, one of the best places to start is accepting responsibility for messing up, and doing what you can to seek forgiveness. Even if your husband won't talk to you, he needs to know you love him and he is important to you.

Chey5782: I'm afraid he won't even want to look at the letter. I've tried that before when we had a big fight and he didn't even bother reading it. He always says there's nothing to say/nothing to talk about. He's really emotional and sensitive on the one hand but on the other hand he's also very closed-up and has put up a huge wall. And this time, I don't think I can get through.

LearningAsIGo and artlady: I know I messed up but I don't know if I would consider it emotional cheating because I had no feelings for the co-worker/friend, if I really think about it, I was only interested in what he was writing me. I wasn't emotionally involved with him personally, I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him or any of that sort. He was just providing something that I was apparently missing, and again, this is not an excuse, but I just want to make it clear that I was not involved, not only physically, but also emotionally. It probably would've been the same if it were somebody else and not him.

Of course I know that it was still wrong, I just wanted to make that distinction. And I completely agree I should let him know that I know I messed up and that I love him and that what I did was absolutely wrong. It's just hard because he won't let me say a word to him at the moment. It just hurts more than anything to hear him say he doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore and that I am disgusting and that things will never be the same.

I had to call out of work today and I've been in bed all day, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose him. He's my world.

Thanks for the advice and the support, I really need it especially since nobody knows and I have nobody to talk to (do not want to involve family and friends).

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I know this may sound weird.. But aside from what she just said *reads above* Trying to communicate isn't a bad thing. Write him a letter. Heck, print out this page and write a note with it and leave it where he will read it. If you leave a note out and say nothing to him, chances are he will read it. He looked in your phone, after all. There aren't going to be the right words to make it all better, but he needs to know these things, and without therapy at least that's an option. My husband and I e-mail letters back and forth all of the time. He's learning how to communicate, and I over communicate, so it helps him feel like he can express himself in his own way and in his own time without me trying to explain himself to him.

Can't rep you but I agree that this is an excellent idea.It gets a point across and takes away the emotional turmoil that a face to face conversation would have.

I'm just really scared, I don't want him to leave me. I won't be able to handle it. He's my world. And I told him I will do anything he wants and that nothing happened. :( :(

It is really sad that you let it go this far. People now days if they want to remain in a stable relationship need to realize that talking, flirting or texting a person of the opposite sex can lead to all sorts of problems. You must never put yourself in that position.
Now, he refuses counseling, so what other options do you have? None except separation and or divorce. Or continue to live the way you are now, like roommates without benefits.

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Originally Posted by Nut-ina-choc

I'm just really scared, I don't want him to leave me. I won't be able to handle it. He's my world. And I told him I will do anything he wants and that nothing happened. :( :(

If he won't read a note from you then it looks like you are going to have to wait until he is ready to talk to you about it, or do something about it. I hate to say just suffer and wait, but he may just need the time, like she said.

I know, I made a terrible mistake, and even though it was just texting it has come to have terrible consequences. I never saw this happening and I never feared it and I guess that's another reason it's so hard on me, because it's also a shock. The reason I never saw this happening is because I wasn't cheating (I didn't love the other person or ever did anything physical with him) it was just all about the texts and me being lonely and needy and selfish.
I know I was wrong, but I just feel like this has gotten way out of control and is being blown out of proportion and there is nothing I can do but sit and watch (and cry) while the ship goes down. He has every right to feel betrayed and hurt but I just feel like I'm being punished above and beyond for something that doesn't deserve such a severe punishment. To just up and leave because of texts? The problem is he thinks I love him, because in one of the texts he found me saying "miss ya too" but it was really, honestly, innocent (I didn't mean it as a "i miss u" between lovers.. like I said this guy was a friend to begin with and it was the only way I could keep in touch with him and still get his flattering texts. I know that sounds sick. But I guess it was my sick way of dealing with my lonliness and neglect.

My husband just stopped by from work (I have no clue why) and I tried talking to him but he doesn't even want to look at me let alone talk to me. He accused me of loving this other person and stormed off.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can wait like some othe people have suggested but what if nothing happens and things just stay the same? What if he leaves? (I won't be able to bear it.. especially him leaving over something like this).

And I don't think writing him a letter will work at the moment. He is too angry, too hurt.

Leave him alone.Make him a nice dinner,put it in the fridge with a note that says *please lets talk ,when you are ready*and stay out of his way until he comes to grips.
He is emotionally devastated,give him time to digest this!
That is your best option.

I think you need to re-evaluate what you consider cheating, and what your husband considers cheating. Because you think you haven't, and he sees it completely different. My opinion would be that if my husband did that, I would be crushed, then I would go break his windshield in. I know you are upset but you really need to look at it with his feelings more in mind. You want him to forgive you and talk to you, but you won't admit that it IS, at least to him, a form of cheating. And honestly, I agree with him and the others who responded, it IS emotional cheating, you went somewhere else for what he wasn't giving you, and crushed him. You need to fully comprehend the mistake and how he views it, and accept responsibility before you are going to be able to start fixing this. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it seems like the reality of the situation.

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He has every right to feel betrayed and hurt but I just feel like I'm being punished above and beyond for something that doesn't deserve such a severe punishment. To just up and leave because of texts? The problem is he thinks I love him, because in one of the texts he found me saying "miss ya too" but it was really, honestly, innocent (I didn't mean it as a "i miss u" between lovers.. like I said this guy was a friend to begin with and it was the only way I could keep in touch with him and still get his flattering texts. I know that sounds sick. But I guess it was my sick way of dealing with my lonliness and neglect.

You know it was a meaningless game that puffed up your ego but he DOES NOT! It is being blown out of proportion in your head because you know the truth.He does not know the truth,he is too enraged and hurt to see it now.You can't have an instant fix here.
Let him comes to terms in his own time.

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Chey5782; I think you need to re-evaluate what you consider cheating, and what your husband considers cheating. Because you think you haven't, and he sees it completely different. My opinion would be that if my husband did that, I would be crushed, then I would go break his windshield in. I know you are upset but you really need to look at it with his feelings more in mind.

I am putting myself in his shoes and seeing it the way he sees it, and it's so different from the reality and what really happened and I feel helpless because I can't even explain that to him. And even if I do, he won't believe it.

I completely agree that it looks bad, and if he did that to me I would be crushed too. But sometimes things aren't as they seem (unless you actually catch them having sex in a corner, then it's really as it seems). My texts seemed like I'm having some sort of an affair with this man when I wasn't!! I was just using him for what he was writing me in his texts. I made a mistake, I shouldn't have turned to somebody else's texts to fill in what I wasn't getting from my relationship but it didn't go far, I never loved this man, I never did anything with him.. and it seems a lot worse than it really is. Only, there is no way to make my husband understand that.

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Originally Posted by artlady

You know it was a meaningless game that puffed up your ego but he DOES NOT! It is being blown out of proportion in your head because you know the truth.He does not know the truth,he is too enraged and hurt to see it now.You can't have an instant fix here.
Let him comes to terms in his own time.

Exactly. I know what it was but he totally misunderstood it (who wouldn't). And he is too angry to listen to me or try and see my side of the story rather than what he thinks happened and the conclusions that he's drawn.

But how do you get out of this? I will give him time.. I have a feeling that will calm him down a little, but nothing more than that. He won't want to talk to me he won't want t sort it out. The question is, what is going on in his head now. Is he planning on leaving me? Is he planning on staying in a love-less (on his end) relationship or maybe deep down he knows I didn't do anything and that somehow we will work it out, but he can't get the texts out of his head and what they might mean.

Ugh, this is a mess. Nothing worse than being smacked back right in the face. I know what goes around comes around, but with me it came around harder and harsher. :( :(

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Originally Posted by Nut-ina-choc

Exactly. I know what it was but he totally misunderstood it (who wouldn't). And he is too angry to listen to me or try and see my side of the story rather than what he thinks happened and the conclusions that he's drawn.

But how do you get out of this? I will give him time.. I have a feeling that will calm him down a little, but nothing more than that. He won't want to talk to me he won't want t sort it out. The question is, what is going on in his head now. Is he planning on leaving me? Is he planning on staying in a love-less (on his end) relationship or maybe deep down he knows I didn't do anything and that somehow we will work it out, but he can't get the txts out of his head and what they might mean.

Ugh, this is a mess. Nothing worse than being smacked back right in the face. I know what goes around comes around, but with me it came around harder and harsher. :( :(

After the storm has passed and he is able to be rational,ask him how to fix this.
Do not bring up the fact that his ignoring you forced your hand here.Not yet,that is a conversation for way down the road.
Let him decide how to fix this,maybe he will want to talk to the guy.He can confirm your story of innocence.

I agree with what other people have said but in my eyes this IS cheating, emotional cheating. Apparently you weren't totally honest with your husband and I have no idea if you were honest with you co-worker. You admit you were "using" your co-worker in order to receive the texts.

As far as why you did this - meaningless excuses.

I think you have to let things cool down, calm yourself down, hope your husband calms down, eventually discuss it rationally.

The "you ignored me and so that's why I did this" excuse is most definitely not going to fly here. You're an adult and you played a dangerous game - and you got caught.

If he'll go I would also get into counselling. Sometimes the more these issues fester the worse it gets. If he won't go, I would go by myself to find out why this happened, how you got so involved, what is it that's missing in your relationship with your husband.

I would be heartbroken if my husband did this to me, texting behind my back, encouraging a co-worker by not stopping the relationship, blaming me and my lack of attention for the problem.

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The "you ignored me and so that's why I did this" excuse is most definitely not going to fly here. You're an adult and you played a dangerous game - and you got caught.

Exactly,and you never fix something in your marriage by going out of the marriage.I have yet to see a good outcome ever when people opt for this.

Sounds like the man believes you did more than being overly friendly and flirty. If he does not trust you, then perhaps the reason for the lack of trust needs to be fixed -- whether it is him having trust issues or whether something you are doing is making him not trust you. Hang in there and give him a little time.

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Originally Posted by SafeHeart

Sounds like the man believes you did more than being overly friendly and flirty. If he does not trust you, then perhaps the reason for the lack of trust needs to be fixed -- whether it is him having trust issues or whether something you are doing is making him not trust you. Hang in there and give him a little time.

You don't think that having this "relationship," no matter how innocent (OP has said that she was "using" the other guy) is reason for her husband to have trust issues?

In NY - where I am - this behavior is grounds for divorce, unfortunately for OP.

I have to wonder how far the behavior would have gone (note that she left the job and it continues). How lonely and upset and looking for comfort she would have been and if she would ever have acted on taking the text relationship farther than she did.

This is sad all the way around - I feel worry for everyone involved, including the guy at work who could find himself in the middle of a very messy situation. Wonder what his marital status is?

Maybe this is a question for a discussion board - ?