I been marriage for 14 years have two wonderful kids, I cheated on my husband because he ia a cold person, liked to thing only on him, possessived and oveer control of everything, wants to be in charged of everyhting, we been back for four time in 15 years marry. My lover is a great person tread me liked a queen, buy me everything I want and likes to travel, he does everything I need him to do.My question is: Am I making the right choice of leaving my husband for someone else, or I'm just better staying with him because of the kids, please help be take out this confussion. People tell me that I need to go back with my husband because of the kids and to forget my lover. What to do?:confused:

If you are truly unhappy with your husband, the marriage should be re-evaulated.

Is counseling a possibility?

While I don't encourage the end of any marriage, if it can't be salvaged, its most often better for everyone (kids included) if their parents are able to be happy. Children, unfortunately, are almost always aware of problems within their parents relationships. If you're unhappy with each other, it may be time to part ways.

Good luck

It sounds like you should have talked to your husband before you cheated on him. This could have all been avoided. Unfortunately now what's done is done. I would talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. See how he feels. This might be something you can work out, but it's going to take two of you. If not, then you can at least say you tried.

I don't think that staying together just for the kids is ever a good idea. It shows teaches them all about dysfunctional relationships in my opinion. I would have loved for my parents to stay together, but they fought all the time. Both seemed happier apart and I was able to enjoy the time that I got to spend with each of them more.

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Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

If you are truly unhappy with your husband, the marriage should be re-evaulated.

Is counseling a possibility?

While I don't encourage the end of any marriage, if it can't be salvaged, its most often better for everyone (kids included) if their parents are able to be happy. Children, unfortunately, are almost always aware of problems within their parents relationships. If you're unhappy with each other, it may be time to part ways.

Good luck

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I feel that way that been apart is better, but I still have little feeling for my husband, I just which that all four times we been back and having good time will stay for ever, but it didn't stay for long, We were back several time even went to counseling, church we were ggod for two to three years, them be will go back the way he was before, I stayed with him for many more years to see if he was really going to changed, but it seems he could'nt changed 100%. I feel I put part to stay focus on the marriaged and thinking allways positive, but he just clould.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

It sounds like you should have talked to your husband before you cheated on him. This could have all been avoided. Unfortunately now what's done is done. I would talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. See how he feels. This might be something you can work out, but it's going to take two of you. If not, then you can at least say you tried.

I don't think that staying together just for the kids is ever a good idea. It shows teaches them all about dysfunctional relationships in my opinion. I would have loved for my parents to stay together, but they fought all the time. Both seemed happier apart and I was able to enjoy the time that I got to spend with each of them more.

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I always talk to him on any thing that was bothering me, but he is just a person with less words, every time I wanted to talk to him, he just tell me that "that is the way he is, and he could changed" I just fell more and more down, I marry him went I was 16 years, he was my high school lover, marry him and have kids with him. I always feel that all mens were the same and that I could find some better than him.

Cheating is NEVER the solution to marriage problems. You have to separate both men from one another.

Your husband

Staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids can be very miserable. But if you choose this course of action, then both of you need a lot of work to repair the marriage. You need to seek professional help, such as marriage counselling. Furthermore, he has to be willing to put the effort to repair the damage. Otherwise, you're just prolonging the inevitable and just suffering longer.

The other man

We should not even be discussing this other man. Right now, you're just combining both men and forming this fantasy guy. You have your husband who's the father of your children and whatever else that is good. But then, you have this other guy who can provide the things that your husband is missing. Obviously the other guy isn't perfect, so you don't really know his flaws. Right now, he's just a suppliment of what your husband is missing. Leave this man out of your life.

If you want to consider a relationship with this other man, then you have to divorce your husband. Then give yourself some time to recover from the divorce and then, after all that, if you feel that you are ready to date again, then you can CONSIDER this other guy. If you pursue this guy any sooner, he will just be the guy that you cheat with and/or your rebound. Neither are fair to you, your husband or the guy.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Cheating is NEVER the solution to marriage problems. You have to seperate both men from one another.

Your husband

Staying in the marriage for the sake of the kids can be very miserable. But if you choose this course of action, then both of you need a lot of work to repair the marriage. You need to seek professional help, such as marriage counselling. Furthermore, he has to be willing to put the effort to repair the damage. Otherwise, you're just prolonging the inevitable and just suffering longer.

The other man

We should not even be discussing this other man. Right now, you're just combining both men and forming this fantasy guy. You have your husband who's the father of your children and whatever else that is good. But then, you have this other guy who can provide the things that your husband is missing. Obviously the other guy isn't perfect, so you don't really know his flaws. Right now, he's just a suppliment of what your husband is missing. Leave this man out of your life.

If you want to consider a relationship with this other man, then you have to divorce your husband. Then give yourself some time to recover from the divorce and then, after all that, if you feel that you are ready to date again, then you can CONSIDER this other guy. If you pursue this guy any sooner, he will just be the guy that you cheat with and/or your rebound. Neither are fair to you, your husband or the the guy.

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I really thing this is my best choice, I feel to give my husband another changed, but I'm scared to be dissapointed, because I don't want to feel reject by him, or maybe changed for the good for a little and them changed back for the worse again years later.

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Originally Posted by guzman1

I feel that way that been apart is better, but i still have little feeling for my husband, I just which that all four times we been back and having good time will stay for ever, but it didn't stay for long, We were back several time even went to counseling, church we were ggod for two to three years, them be will go back the way he was before, I stayed with him for many more years to see if he was really going to changed, but it seems he could'nt changed 100%. I feel I put part to stay focus on the marriaged and thinking allways positive, but he just clould.

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No matter what, you'll always have feelings for him. He's someone you loved and he's the father of your children. Its only natural to feel this way.

It sounds like you've been apart and tried many ways of saving the marriage. Maybe it is time for a longer, if not permanent, separation. In the end, your kids will be fine with either one or two loving homes.

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Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

No matter what, you'll always have feelings for him. He's someone you loved and he's the father of your children. Its only natural to feel this way.

It sounds like you've been apart and tried many ways of saving the marriage. Maybe it is time for a longer, if not permanent, seperation. In the end, your kids will be fine with either one or two loving homes.

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I'm scared that all men are the same, I hear people saying that a first divorce is 50% but a second relationship is a 60% divorce, I still have feeling for my husband, I fell worse thinking that he need me now because of his illness. I want to feel happy and been with him was not happiness no more only finnacial problems, no sex, no pretty words, ONLY WORK WORk, I have to jobs in other to maintain the house and the bills, right now I;n going to backupcy because of the high balances and not making payment to the creditors, my husband stop working for one year because of his illness, and they fired him form the job, the business he had went down the drain, I just feel more and more stress out, I still have feeling for him, I used to talk to him so many time regaring his behavior, he used to leaved everything at the last minute, and did'nt feel that positive in the house, only more and more problems.

You lost me when you blamed your cheating on your husband instead of yourself. You made the choice; he didn't.

If you're that unhappy in your marriage, then do him a favor and get out.

I think that you may need to work things through in your marriage, again, before you decide finally if you want to leave your husband.

It sounds as if you've been under financial and emotional pressure in a marriage that has not been supportive or satisfying.

However, you say that you still have feelings for your husband. If this is the case, then you should look at how the relationship might be salvaged.

Can you speak to an adviser that will assist with your financial problems? Perhaps some counseling just for yourself might help as well?

If there is still even a glimmer of hope for your marriage than speaking to an objective outsider might help you make sense of the situation, rather than just throwing it away for someone that you've had an affair with.

You will never solve your marriage as long as your cheating. Take care of home first, and any idea of jumping from man to man is no solution, for you or your kids.

I think you need to get rid of the husband, and heal yourself and you kids before you bring another guy into their lives.

Why screw with their heads any more than you have already??

Hi Quzman1, You have the same problem I have. I have been married for 14 1/2 and have 1 child with my husband. My husband is very controlling, possessived, and sometimes abusive. I have this lover I meant 8 years ago but I have stop seeing him for the pass 3 years to try to work on my marriage. I went to church and started doing everything my husband would tell me to do to try to make the married work. I was trying to do it for my son. My son love his dad and my husband is a great father who does everything for our son. But in the last 2 months I have been seeing my lover again and now my lover want me to move in with him and his daughter. I'm scare because I never left my husband before. We got marry so young and been together so long. And everyone keep telling me the grass always look greener on the other side and they keep telling me my lover will change and my son will hate me for it. I am wondering since you wrote this back in 2009 are you still with your husband? And what happen with you and your lover now in 2011? Please let me know. I'm trying to make a good decision for my son and I.. My son is 11 and I will be 38 in June... I don't want to look around and be 40 years old and wondering why Im still with my husband when my lover makes me so happy when I'm with him. The 3 years I miss with my lover.. I hated it.. but these pass 2 months seeing my lover again has been so wonderful.