My sons mother in law is paying for the wedding. I am the father of the groom. I am paying for the band 10k. My ex and her husband are paying for the rehearsal dinner. She doesn't want to invite me.
She has invited everyone else. My son and daughter in law have asked me not to make waves and go along. In the beginning I said yes but now think again my ex is manipulating me out of my sons life (she has bad mouthed me to my son ever since we got divorced (I was a great dad) but left her. She caused a 3 year alienation where she tore my son and I apart.(because I took the high road and didn't stand up for my rights)

I am willing to pay for the rehearsal dinner as well and have them invited. I think that is the best option for my son. I don't want to cause problems but I will not lose my son to her again (she wants me to disappear from his life) and will not let her alienate me from him and the new family again.

My sons fiancé and new mother in law and my son acknowledge that what she is doing is wrong but no one is stepping up to force her hand. I have decided to do that and pay for the rehearsal dinner so everyone can come and I don't look like I gave in, was MIA, or some dufus sitting back accepting this crap...

What are my alternatives now the wedding is aug15th four weeks away and rehearsal dinner invites went out... how do I do this with the least pain.

My feeling is... you should go along with your son and soon to be daughter-in-laws wishes. I'm sure those in attendance at the rehearsal dinner will be told why you aren't there if they ask.

This is time for your son and his fiancé. They don't need to be caught in the middle of this dispute at a time that is supposed to be all about THEM and not the parents.

You are going to be at the wedding, enjoy that day with your son and his new wife.

If you aren't invited then why should you pay for the rehearsal dinner? It won't make anything better between you. People who make demands and are inconsiderate like that are not appreciative of what you do. They take it for granted and use you.

I would say ""Oh you aren't having me at rehearsal so I guess you don't need my mioney on the rehearsal either''.

Why should you feed the mouths of people that are bad mouthing you? I understand being kind to people who treat you like dirt but there is also the concept of being a doormat. I think they have you to the doormat stage where you need to back off your kindness and your bending over backwards.

NOhelp,
I believe he says his ex is paying for the rehearsal dinner and feels that is why he isn't being invited. He has offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner as a way to BE there.

It is too late for you to "step up" and host the rehearsal dinner. At this point you would be seen as hijacking it, not helping out. It would make for an uncomfortable situation for everyone.

The only thing you can do is express to your son and your ex wife that you want to be a part of this important event. That you love your son and will be devastated to not attend. After that it is up to them.

If you do attend, be a good guest. If you don't attend, do something fun with a friend that night and then make the most of the wedding day.

"My son and daughter in law have asked me not to make waves and go along. "

There's your answer right there.

What has caused all of this? What did your son's mother in law's say you did? Are you innocent ? What would be their story?

My son, my new daughter in law, my new mil ALL AGREE that my ex is sabotaging wedding and is manipulating and is wrong... they just don't want to take her on..

And my previous giving in looked like it was the easy way out for everybody... but in retrospect not really.. it sets a precedent that my ex wife can use this behavior later with grand kids, special events,etc, can still manipulate my son against me, and it diminishes me in front of my new in law family (where is the father?) my son won't say my ex didn't invite me so they'll make some excuse like I was a no show..

Think the offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite my ex and give her the "OPTION" to come is better alternative as here since I have been disinvited I have no option...
Alsdo don't think new in laws even though they are paying or my new dil wants to get in the middle.. needed my son to step in but he didn't.. so I'm at this crossroad...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by law90210

My son, my new daughter in law, my new mil ALL AGREE that my ex is sabotaging wedding and is manipulating and is wrong...they just don't want to take her on..

and my previous giving in looked like it was the easy way out for everybody... but in retrospect not really..it sets a precedent that my ex wife can use this behavior later with grand kids, special events,etc, can stil manipulate my son against me, and it diminishes me in front of my new in law family (where is the father?) my son won't say my ex didn't invite me so they'll make some excuse like I was a no show..

think the offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite my ex and give her the "OPTION" to come is better alternative as here since I have been disinvited I have no option...
alsdo dont think new in laws even though they are paying or my new dil wants to get in the middle..needed my son to step in but he didn't ..so I'm at this crossroad...

---

I'm sorry, I thought it was the mother-in-law, it's the ex-wife. Yes, I agree your son should step up and say, " Mom, he's my FATHER and I want him to be involved in the happiest day of my life". She must be one tough cookie. Bottom line is, it's not HER wedding day, and SHE shouldn't try to dictate who should/shouldn't be invited.

All I can see is that as long as the bride and groom are going along with it other than telling them how you feel I wouldn't pay for the rehearsal dinner because you can't buy love.

My son will not tell them the true reason I am not there because he doesn't want to hurt his mother...
My new MIL would probably tell the closest members to her because she as well believes she's hijacking the wedding
My new DIL I don't know what she will say but I think she would make up some excuse to go along and not hurt my son her new husband.. (

So from 2 of them I would look like a non-caring sob to everyone in attendance.. or a flake.. (not knowing I wasn't invited)

Well, you have the opportunity to tell those who missed you at the rehearsal dinner at the wedding if they happen to ask.

I agree you really have no options but to not go but just like flossie said when anybody at the wedding asks I would tell it just the way it is.

I still think that you should skip it. The whole situation is unfortunate, but it seems a little late to try to change things. It's too bad that your son can not express his wishes to his mother.

Have you tried to speak with your ex about any of this?

That's terible

I think it is best to follow the son and DIL's wishes- as this all about them. It is not about trying to establish where you stand. Won't you be attending the wedding? I think the wedding day is much more important, more people will be there, and they will see that you are supporting them, and not trying to make this all about you or how you are trying to stand up as his father and prove yourself. I understand you want to ensure your ex and her side of the family see that you are part of his life- but creating drama or adding stress to the situation will make for a miserable rehearsal/wedding for your son and DIL- it will not fix things between your ex. I think your best bet is to try and just support your sons decisions in this, and at the wedding you can let it be known it is all about him and his new wife. It is up to you to show that you are not going to put others in the middle of you and your ex's battle- that you are just going to stick by your son and you will be a part of his life no matter what she says or does to try to keep you out...

That is just my opinion. I wish you the very best outcome though!

:)

The only thing I can think of at this late date, is to contact your ex, offer to cut a cheque to pay for half the dinner, in exchange for you to be able to attend.

Keep it all very polite and friendly, and see what she says.

If the money doesn't sway her, at least you tried.

I might piss a few people off saying this, but I would ask my son if I could just show up, shake his hand and then leave. You would still be respecting her wishes by not attending per se, simply stopping by to "drop something off" or whatever excuse. You might have top bite a bullet here and ask your child to allow you to save face. But their way, it's his day and your new DIL, you need to respect their wishes.

Though if I were you, I would call your ex wife and tell her what I would like to do without getting anyone else involved. If it's an issue with the two of you then the two of you should work it out. It's not your son's responsibility to make you all happy. You should be trying to make this happy for him.

If there is a Rehearsal Dinner, than that means there is going to be a Rehearsal right? You certainly CAN go to the Rehearsal and be the charming man that you are and everyone will see that...

1. You showed up and shared this wonderful experience with your son
2. You do care and want to be involved.

As you make friends and they say "See you at the dinner!" it will be up to you to say...

1. "I'm sorry I won't be able to make it"
OR
2. "The crazy ex b*tch of mine didn't invite me and I don't want to cause
a scene for my son"