Ask Me Help Desk - Can't get aroused

Hi, recently talking with a few close friends about sex it suddenly came to my memory that for some strange reason whenever I am trying to be intimate with someone I can never really enjoy the moment and become aroused.
There are times during foreplay and making out when I can feel myself getting excited, but then in less than minutes the feeling is all gone, and my heartbeat goes back to normal pace, and it's as if nothing has happened.
This has been bothering me for a long time, I was just afraid to see help and some answers for it, and it's really getting to me. How can I get over this to better enjoy passionate and intimate moments?

You know I feel that way a lot myself. I'm a female so no one really understands. I have never had a orgasm with a man, only by stimulating myself. I wish I could help you, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaylle04

ya know i feel that way alot myself. im a female so no one really understands. i have never had a orgasm with a man, only by stimulating myself. i wish i could help you, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Thanks hun, I appreciate it. I am female too, and a virgin, which might be the issue here too, I'm not sure.
But thanks for the reply. I hope all goes well for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Thanks hun, I appreciate it. I am female too, and a virgin, which might be the issue here too, I'm not sure.
But thanks for the reply. I hope all goes well for you.

You may be right on that. I really couldn't tell you though hunny. It could be the stress of being a virgin and it being so new, or maybe it's that he's getting you to the point then it isn't enough to keep you going.

See I can have a orgasm if I lay on my stomach and use the palm of my hand ( the L shaped part of my outside palm hand ) and get it wet with a lub while I rotate my hips in a motion to where it feels good. That's pretty much THE ONLY way I can orgasm.

Please try it, and alone see if that helps...

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaylle04

You may be right on that. I really couldn't tell ya tho hunny. It could be the stress of being a virgin and it being so new, or maybe it's that he's getting you to the point then it isn't enough to keep you going.

See i can have a orgasm if i lay on my stomach and use the palm of my hand ( the L shaped part of my outside palm hand ) and get it wet with a lub while i rotate my hips in a motion to where it feels good. THATS pretty much THE ONLY way i can orgasm.

Please try it, and alone see if that helps....

I just really think you're too nervous hunny... try to stimulate you're on your own and relax see what feels good and think about him while you're doing it, really invision him in the whole mix... I hope to help you!

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Originally Posted by kaylle04

i just really think you're too nervous hunny... try to stimulate you're on you're own and relax see what feels good and think about him while you're doing it, really invision him in the whole mix... I hope to help you!

Thanks so much hun, I will definitely try that! It sounds like a good plan, it's better than the advice my friends have been giving so far. They keep telling me that I'm like a plant, asexual, and that I don't need to have sex and feeling good isn't right for me, but that's crap.
Thanks so much for the help and advice sweets, I'll try it tonight:)

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

Thanks so much hun, I will definately try that! It sounds like a good plan, it's better than the advice my friends have been giving so far. They keep telling me that I'm like a plant, asexual, and that I don't need to have sex and feeling good isn't right for me, but that's crap.
Thanks so much for the help and advice sweets, I'll try it tonight:)

Why would your friends say that? What an absurd thing to say. How old are you?

I would suggest you buy a vibrator - one of the slim line ones that doesn't look like a huge dildo, but just looks like a slim, rounded cylinder. I was a 'late bloomer' and found that stimulating my clitoris with a vibrator really helped me to understand my sexual responses and really helped me to achieve orgasm.

I used to also feel like you about being intimate sexually - the feeling would be there and just go, but let me tell you, it's just that I wasn't interested in that person. When I found the one that I was interested in, I couldn't stop!

Don't listen to you friends - we're not all the same - and some of us just need more encouragement or a different type of encouragement.

I'm not an expert, but I've also had this same problem.

I've read in various places that women have to "learn" how to orgasm. We don't orgasm as easily as men; we need to learn about our bodies and learn what we like. My problem was that I felt guilty about it. Like it's required for men, but not for women. Believe me, you're not the only one.

Like Gemini54 said, clitoral simulation works! Try that!

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Why would your friends say that? What an absurd thing to say. How old are you?

I would suggest you buy a vibrator - one of the slim line ones that doesn't look like a huge dildo, but just looks like a slim, rounded cylinder. I was a 'late bloomer' and found that stimulating my clitoris with a vibrator really helped me to understand my sexual responses and really helped me to achieve orgasm.

I used to also feel like you about being intimate sexually - the feeling would be there and just go, but let me tell you, it's just that I wasn't interested in that person. When I found the one that I was interested in, I couldn't stop!

Don't listen to you friends - we're not all the same - and some of us just need more encouragement or a different type of encouragement.

Thanks so much Gemini54, my friends just enjoy making fun of me because I'm the only virgin in the group, and they're always talking about how inexperienced I am, but I'm trying to change that.
You and Rockerchick are absolutely right though, I need to try new things, and I think it's time I went out and began looking for something that can help bring on more stimulation, and go from there.
Thanks so much!

At 17, do not feel guilty for being a virgin, you are the smart one, let me tell you.

Don't expect to get aroused when you don't know what to get aroused for. Enjoy kissing, focus on that, your nerves are probably playing a huge role in your ability to be aroused because you are nervous about what might be to come.

many women have to "work harder" at finding out what works for them. For us guys, some version of "push/pull/repeat" does the job.

so... I know the OP'er said she is a virgin, but I need to talk about intercourse to make my point... and why not? Talking about sex is fun.

first, your mind is your most important errogenous zone. We guys don't understand this for forever, some never. Took me too long to get it. The more you can really lose yourself in the moment and let go, the better. This means different things for different people.

if someone is sneaking around and trying to make time without getting caught, it might be good mental stim or it might be bad. If the naughty-im-getting-away-with-something angle strikes, it might amp your interest. If the im-going-to-get-caught-and-go-to-jail thought hits, it'll do the reverse.

I've said it before... if I want to get my lover off id do a few simple things. There would be complete privacy. No interruptions, calls, visitors, etc. shed get a steaming hot bath/shower after a glass or two of korbel brut. The bedroom would be the right temp... warm if its winter so shed want to be naked. In the summer, it depends. Point is I need her relaxed, naked, and comfortable, both physically and mentally.

a full body massage helps ease the bad tension, but sensitizes her skin with my hands over her body. It takes time for the body to respond to sensual touch. 15 minutes of patient, directed touch can mean the difference between starting right versus needing more work to do.

many people's idea of foreplay isn't what I think should be done. Unless it works for you. Personally, id rather save as much stimulation as possible to push me over the top or get past a plateau. Yes... I absolutely love my ears nibbled, but save that trick for later. Yes, my partner might like some breast play, but too early and its not right for her... saved for later and it'll be the right stim at the right time.

for my partner, if I HAD to get her off or else, itd be oral. Slow. Deliberate. But again, took forever to learn that a man shouldn't go to the cl!toris until she's all but pulling him there. Its so, so hard to be patient as a guy. Its hard to trust that when a woman is laying back and losing herself in the moment that she isn't bored.

she could be. Happens. But much of the time the "she-isnt-responding-so-try-something-different" just means he winds up buzzing around her body like a fly that doesn't know where to land. If I've learned anything about sex its been from strong women who were willing to communicate and experiment... bookds are great... degrees are fine... but you only get to know someone by knowing them, experiencing them... so... there's no one recipe or move or trick that works for all, all of the time.

one lover absolutely loved hard cl!toral stim. In the missionary position, torso raised above her, with a wet finger (hers or mine) stimulating her cl!t it was money in the bank. She was so, so easy to get off... and no, I don't think it was faking it. This girl had sniper vision, could take a man out at 200 yards with a rifle, and loved sex. Would put me to the wall if I wasn't paying attention.

the next girl HATED EVERYTHING the previous girl loved. All but smacked me upside the head.

one lover never, ever got off in missionary... not with me or any other man, but could hit orgasm in other positions, like girl on top, especially with self stimulation.

oral on a woman and/or self stimulation at the cl!toris are two "cant do withouts" for the most part, in my mind. A woman who is willing to reach down and self help a little during intercourse is a woman who isn't willing to settle for anything less than what she can possibly have. Not all guys will feel that way. Too bad for them. Same goes for a cl!toral vibe... I've never thought "im just not doing things right"... its more "she is really turned on and is going to c** hard"... at least that's the hope.

so... I know, I know... more info there than the OP'd questions asked for... the point is still relevant. Every person is different, and I think women do have to work harder to understand their own bodies and minds.

and boys don't come with a manual written specifically for you. Half of the schoolyard sex talk is lies and the other half is almost all damn lies, and even an attentive lover can't intuitively know what you need if you don't know what you need.

so... be patient and forgiving of yourself. Don't let frustrations become mental blocks. *poof* I said it so make it so.

=) wish it was that simple... but sometimes we just need to get the hell out of our own way... and that applies to many areas of life, not just the bedroom.

done rambling.

Hello L:

Couple things... It IS a drag that you have to learn how to get off when guys already come equipped with that knowledge...

But, the good news is, that WHEN you learn how to have an orgasm, you'll be able to sustain it for 20 seconds or longer of complete bliss.. Guys only get about 6 seconds.

I think YOU chicks got the best of THAT bargain.

excon

Lol not always excon. I'm lucky if I can make mine last 5 seconds or so too. Although its my fault. I can't stand it and make my husband stop (oral sex)

Just wanted to check up on you, fill me in girly...

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

lol not always excon. im lucky if i can make mine last 5 seconds or so too. although its my fault. i can't stand it and make my husband stop (oral sex)

Well, a lot of that is him knowing how to throttle his actions... you get really sensitive at that time and its easy to overshoot "that feels good" and go to "Stop, that hurts".

And I'll admit, I have a hell of a time judging where that line is myself with my wife, sometimes I get it right, but just as often I don't. And I do know her buttons well. I find this the most difficult to judge as it appears to be a moving line that's never in the same place on different days which is no surprise.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

lol not always excon. im lucky if i can make mine last 5 seconds or so too. although its my fault. i can't stand it and make my husband stop (oral sex)

Can I agree with both of you?

jenniepepsi, id say that's been the experience I've witnessed too with oral... oral can hit hard, but doesn't have quite the same lasting waves of pleasure that a woman can get with penetration... for my partner, oral is like you said... an intense hit and then a need to stop stimulating completely... in fact, if anything, I actively stim just right before orgasm, and then I'm mostly just "present" as it hits... too much activity at orgasm and shed push me away.

Whereas with penetration, as I expect excon was going, she can have one that lasts much longer...

One of the longest orgasms I've seen a woman experience wasn't even with our clothes off. Making out at the side of the bed, itd been over a year since shed had sex, grinding with clothes all on. Hers lasted so long that I started to ask if she was OK... as if she was having some seizure. I swear that thing hit her in waves over and over and over.

Well, she was OK and she was kind of having a "good" seizure and after the second time I asked "are you ok" she gasped "yes"... which, in retrospect, was her way of politely telling me to shut the f*(& up and let her enjoy the moment.

On the flip side, don't know that id say orgasms last longer for men (for me) oral versus intercourse, but there is a difference in how it feels for me... with my whole body being more sensitized with intercourse, since more skin is on skin. Oral is a locally focused experience... though one of the reasons I love the 69 position (without trying to get her off... 69 is simply NOT the position to get my lover off in, but she gets the position can be fun for the man on bottom) with oral is not only do you get great oral, and the tongue comes from a different direction, but the boy has access to the woman's rear, her chest, her back... more direct skin sensitization than if she were kneeling below him... so guess my point is there's a difference between oral and intercourse... not that one is necessarily better than the other... variety is lovely... but I've noticed the more skin contant, the more the peripherial sensations add to the pleasure of orgasm... its one of the reasons boys, I think, have the two girl fantasy. Multiple stimulations are good... its not the need necessarily for two women... it's the desire for all the "fun parts" to be available and for all of the attention to be focused and directed. Intense kissing is great. Intense kissing with intense oral? Sounds yummy. Tough to do one on one.

Mkay... way to start the day pent up, and up.

Happy Tuesday.

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with my whole body being more sensitized with intercourse, since more skin is on skin. Oral is a locally focused experience...

This is a great way to explain it kp! And probably the issue I have. I have noticed that when stimulating myself alone with a vibrator and dildo (sorry if that's 'to much information' for some of you) I find that I can experience what may be a vaganal orgasm rather than only a clitoral orgasm, and it does last longer.

I just can't reach this when having sex with my husband.

Its amazing how you can learn and know so much about sex and STILL learn more ;) thanks kp and smoothy. :)

I also don't know if this will help, but I heard of certain 'exercises' if you will, that help strengthen the walls of the vagina, and the muscles, as to further increase chances of longer stimulation.

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Originally Posted by LittleBlackKat

I also don't know if this will help, but I heard of certain 'exercises' if you will, that help strengthen the walls of the vagina, and the muscles, as to further increase chances of longer stimulation.

Those are Kiegles, they strengthen the pelvic floor and help women hold their pee, and a bit more, but won't help on the stimulation end of things.

Yeah keigles are great for after pregnancy when you have incontenence issues. But won't do much for stimulation (unless you do your keigle excersizes WHILE having intercourse. If you can control those muscles that well, your man would LOVE that. Lol. I know mine does!