Not knowing exactly where to put this, I'll try relationships: Alult male son and elderly mother.

I'll start by an example:

It's bedtime and, the kitchen light is currently on and her pills are usually on the kitchen table.

Son asks, "Mom, do you need to come back into the kitchen?"

Implicitly, I mean should I turn off the light in the kitchen or are you going to do it"?

I'm expecting a simple "Yes" or "No". This is much easier to differentiate from large distances.

I get back "I have to come back to get my pills"

not, "Yes, I have to come back to get my pills"

So, now I have to be attentive from a long distance and multiple halls etc, to try to understand the meaning of the sentence which I may not hear clearly.

I keeping asking why, I can't get a simple yes/no answer and never get an answer, nor a change.

Is his a male/female thing, a mental illness? It does strain the relationship because it happens all the time. There are similar related kind of incidents, but his is one.

I don't think it's a female/male thing, because my husband does that to me all the time. I know exactly what you mean. I find myself asking the same question too, almost every night.

I would say there are 2 ways to interpret this.

1. This is usually a characteristic of a person that is not quite as organized in their way of thinking and just fails to take the last step of transition of thought to communication and decide on simple answer for the train of thought they just had.

2. She may just be probing for an offer to bring the pills to her.

From a man's point of view, knowing females and their lack of ability to communicate without insulting the male, what she meant in this instance was: "Bring me my pills after you turn the light off."

Perhaps this is a female thing,I read post 3 times,and wondered if I also do the same thing,however what struck me was,if the son was in the kitchen and saw the pills on the table,would he not know she needed to go and get them?

If the question was 'would you like me to bring you your pills?' and the answer was 'ill get them' it is implied the answer is no,don't switch off the light.

Likewise when she said 'i have to get my pills' the answer was no. don't switch off the light.

Also,unless there is some disability that requires the son to switch on and off the light,and there is some distance from kitchen to mother,why not let her switch on and off the light..

Some would accuse politicians of not answering questions directly. Some people aren't as precise and direct. But it can be fustrating for others. It happens.

But when we're talking about something closer to home, I think it all comes down to patience though. If you must, then ask the question as second time to get the answer that you want. Not a big deal.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Some would accuse politicians of not answering questions directly. Some people aren't as precise and direct. But it can be fustrating for others. It happens.

But when we're talking about something closer to home, I think it all comes down to patience though. If you must, then ask the question as second time to get the answer that you want. Not a big deal.

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Haha! Not a big deal. You should meet my husband. Here's an example.

Me: "Are you done in the kitchen?"
Husband: "I dunno."
Me: "Well do you need the light on?"
Husband: "Well I was gonna shut it off"
Me: "Can I shut it off?"
Husband: "I'm coming back out there eventually"

At this point I just shut if off and be done with it. "Eventually" could be hours from now. I ask 3 simple yes/no answers get zero yes/no answers back. Very typical at our house.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

haha! not a big deal. you should meet my husband. Here's an example.

me: "Are you done in the kitchen?"
husband: "I dunno."
me: "Well do you need the light on?"
husband: "Well I was gonna shut it off"
me: "Can I shut it off?"
husband: "I'm coming back out there eventually"

At this point I just shut if off and be done with it. "Eventually" could be hours from now. I ask 3 simple yes/no answers get zero yes/no answers back. Very typical at our house.

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LOL, if you're going to have to go through that entire conversation, then just shut it off and let him turn it back on when he gets to that room.

Yeah I know... that's what I do. It just cracks me up.

Maybe her answer was like the implied "I" in a sentence.

"Are you done in the kitchen?"
"I have to get my pills."

I communicate like this, but I never thought that my communication was lacking... :(

In Zoey communication, is non "Yes/No" responses just lengthened what could be communicated in less time.

"Are you done in the kitchen?"
"Yes."

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Maybe her answer was like the implied "I" in a sentence.

"Are you done in the kitchen?"
"I have to get my pills."

I communicate like this, but I never thought that my communication was lacking... :(

In Zoey communication, is non "Yes/No" responses just lengthened what could be communicated in less time.

"Are you done in the kitchen?"
"Yes."

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Yep!

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Originally Posted by redhed35

perhaps this is a female thing,i read post 3 times,and wondered if i also do the same thing,however what struck me was,if the son was in the kitchen and saw the pills on the table,would he not know she needed to go and get them?

if the question was 'would you like me to bring you your pills?' and the answer was 'ill get them' it is implied the answer is no,dont switch off the light.

likewise when she said 'i have to get my pills' the answer was no.,dont switch off the light.

also,unless there is some disability that requires the son to switch on and off the light,and there is some distance from kitchen to mother,why not let her switch on and off the light..

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This is what I was thinking too, it's simple deductive reasoning. Mom needs pills, you want to turn the light off, get pills, turn off light, drop off pills to mom.

My husband and I go round and round about this because ANY question I ask him gets returned with a question. My response for a while was, this isn't a philosophical debate, just yes/no me please. But then I realized he was trying to be considerate, it was his form of effective communication.

I finally started yelling from the other room, this is a yes/no question, followed by the question. That helped. But it's still laughable. People simply think in different ways, even if we reach the same conclusion. Tell her you want a yes/no, it will save you some frustration.

My question is this:

Why isn't the ORIGINAL question: "Mom, should I turn off the light in the kitchen?" rather than an open question about what may or may not still need to be done in the kitchen?

If what you MEANT was "Can I turn off the light?", then why didn't you ask what you MEANT, not what you SAID?

That's the silly part to begin with

For one, it's not that particular question, but other's too.

For the purpose of this question:
1. Pills are kept in a week's pill organizer on the kitchen table with compartments. She normally takes her pills in the kitchen.

2. There may be other reasons to come back in the kitchen.

3. "Should I tuen the light off" which I'll try next time will probably be met with the same long sentence.

4. There is a mobility disability involved. For example, her blood glucose meter is in the bedroom, but her meal insulin and needles (3/day) and needle heaven (the receptacle for used needles) is in the kitchen. The needles and pen serve as a reminder to take it. The meter in the BR reduces clutter. Sometimes I have to fetch the meter. Most of the time, I do not.
Walking assitance is needed first thing in the morning from a 5-prong cane when in the house.

Minimally a cane or shopping cart is needed outside the home. Sometimes a walker and rarely a wheelchair.

I agree with Kc, my fiancé does the same stuff. I ask a yes or no question, I get the same old crap every time.

Not trying to hijack, but an example. Today I asked if she was going to eat anything for dinner when she got off work. I got back "I don't feel like cooking anything" now why couldn't she just say "no"

My 85 yr.old mother ,before her dementia became so bad that communication took on a whole different level would expect me to know her needs.I was to anticipate them and if I did not she became upset.

Is this a possibility here?

She would rarely be direct and ask but would get upset if I did not somehow know.

Its almost like a passive aggressive manipulation.

Some of these behaviors could also be the beginning of age related dementia.Communication was the first personality change I saw in my Mom.

I think this is just something that is embedded into one's personality. They like things a certain way and not saying that it is wrong but it does not mean others see it the same way. But they can simply see that to get the pills she would need to go back to the kitchen so it would be a yes.

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KeepItSimpleStupid agrees: Distinct possibility. About same age.

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I think part of the problem,at least from my situation with my Mom was that she did not want to be a burden,wanted her independence and yet honestly did need help.

It is a judgment call and I think in the future ,you just have to always assume she needs your help and just do it before it is even an issue.

It is not easy caring for an elderly parent and it is tough to be the caregiver and reverse the roles.I wish you the best.

My wife does this to real bad,and sometimes you just need a quick yes/no answer.
I think some people are afraid to give the wrong answer so much that fear causes them to lock up on what would seem to be a real simple answer.
Then the rest of the time I think she's just jacken with me