I’ll try to keep this short and simple. I had an agreement with my girlfriend that we would not talk with/see our ex’s. I let her know that this was a deal breaker if she were to go back on her word. Well, I kept my word but she did not, so I dumped her.

She has resisted the breakup and has begged that I take her back. She says what she did was wrong, but still feels it was “harmless.” She claims she won’t talk her ex again or anyone else that I ask her not to. But this isn’t good enough for me; I don’t think this is true remorse. I don’t feel she has examined WHY she felt the need to betray my trust.

Do you think she deserves a second chance?

That to me shows complete and utter disregard for respecting you. How long had you been dating? Do you think she will do it again? Can you find it in yourself to not question her motives in the future? Do you love her? What did she talk to her ex about in the first place? She made the decision, now you get to make one too..

Honestly man, she tested you once, who is to say she won't do it again? Your going to have to decide if you want to put your faith in her or not. Some people really do deserve second chances, some people don't. You need to decide which one she is, but if I were to give you a guideline I would say if you have been together for over 7 months and this is her first offense, consider the options, but be very clear with her.

I would say after a violation of trust, second chances are hard to come by. In my book after the trust is gone, so am I.

I would inquire as to why you explicitly had this "agreement"... are there some trust issues that you have with her and her ex? The fact that you established this "deal" and made it so black and white makes me wonder where it came from.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

I would say after a violation of trust, second chances are hard to come by. In my book after the trust is gone, so am I.

I would inquire as to why you explicitly had this "agreement"... are there some trust issues that you have with her and her ex? The fact that you established this "deal" and made it so black and white makes me wonder where it came from.

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This agreement was made because she expressed that she was uncomfortable with the thought of me speaking to my ex. So out of respect for her, I said I wouldn't. However, I said out of respect for me, you must do the same thing. No double standards.

Although it was an agreement, it seems a bit controlling in the end, she is now claiming she won't talk her ex again or anyone else that I ask her not to.

Who wants this in their relationship?

I talk to all of my ex's but one, it doesn't affect my love for my boyfriend, but thankfully he isn't that insecure. If there has been enough time between the relationship and you trust your partner, why would you make this a requirement of the relationship. If she wanted back with an ex then she would be back, an ex is an ex for a reason.

I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I wouldn't say you have the making of a good foundation here.

I understand why you made this agreement since she was the one that had the problem with you talking to your ex first, however, I think that since you made the agreement not to talk to your ex's that shows a lack of trust as well.

Is this the same girl?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ou-271837.html

If you can learn to forgive her and trust her again then try to work on it... otherwise it's not worth it.

[QUOTE=jmooney527;1854948]Is this the same girl?
QUOTE]

Yes.

Just because they are your EX doesn't mean you CAN talk to them as a friend. An ex is an ex for a reason?? Yah.. but an EX is also someone who has been intimate with you, no matter what the previous circumstances, the EX can always have an affect on you, even if you don't agree its having an effect on you. You may be able to talk to an EX, but if the EX causes your current relationship strain then you should see the bigger picture. It's not always about you... its about your mate as well. Girls who talk to their EX's have a letting go issue. Yah, you are friendly, yah you may not cheat, but ask yourself WHY?? Would you marry a man and then say, oh I have to call my EX, I want to catch up and see how he is doing? Give me a break!! You should be able to cut ties with the EX regardless of how the friendship / relationship is. All it does is cause problems in your future relationship! Don't even start that the guy is insecure, it sounds more like the person unable to cut ties is insecure, insecure enough that they can't dissolve the relationship / friendship.

Secondly!! If you respect your man / woman, and he/she asks you not to contact your EX, maybe you should see it as showing love and respect and not as a mechanism for control. If you can't honor one of your BF/GF's wishes then be prepared if it causes him trouble... is the EX worth so much to you that you have to remain friends forever? Even over the new BF/GF? Please!

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Originally Posted by dreamingartist

Just because they are your EX doesn't mean you CAN talk to them as a friend. An ex is an ex for a reason??? yah.. but an EX is also someone who has been intimate with you, no matter what the previous circumstances, the EX can always have an affect on you, even if you don't agree its having an effect on you. You may be able to talk to an EX, but if the EX causes your current relationship strain then you should see the bigger picture. It's not always about you... its about your mate as well. Girls who talk to their EX's have a letting go issue. yah, you are friendly, yah you may not cheat, but ask yourself WHY???? would you marry a man and then say, oh I have to call my EX, i wanna catch up and see how he is doing? give me a break!!!! you should be able to cut ties with the EX regardless of how the friendship / relationship is. All it does is cause problems in your future relationship! Don't even start that the guy is insecure, it sounds more like the person unable to cut ties is insecure, insecure enough that they can't dissolve the relationship / friendship.

Secondly!!! if you respect your man / woman, and he/she asks you not to contact your EX, maybe you should see it as showing love and respect and not as a mechanism for control. If you can't honor one of your BF/GF's wishes then be prepared if it causes him trouble... is the EX worth so much to you that you have to remain friends forever? even over the new BF/GF? please!

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As I said it is dependent on the relationship, but I have never had an issue with this. I am not talking about daily contact. And I know it's not my insecurity that continues a pleasant relationship with my ex's.

I would never take an ex's relationship over my partner's feelings, but I have never had a partner that didn't trust me and I have never broken a that trust.

If I walked into a new relationship with a partner insecure about this, I would definitely question his security.

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Originally Posted by dreamingartist

Secondly!!! if you respect your man / woman, and he/she asks you not to contact your EX, maybe you should see it as showing love and respect and not as a mechanism for control. If you can't honor one of your BF/GF's wishes then be prepared if it causes him trouble... is the EX worth so much to you that you have to remain friends forever? even over the new BF/GF? please!

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I am going to take issue with this for a couple of reasons:

1. The whole "ex is an ex for a reason" thing is absolute BS. That only pertains to reonciliation, not to friendship. I know a ton of people who have remained good friends with their ex, and that is their business. It isn't always cut and dry.

2. Friends are friends. Whether it is an ex or not, if my girlfriend told me to lose a friend, I would tell her to kiss my a$$. Wives, girlfriends, they come and go, they run off, they die. My friends are like my family, and that is forever.

Showing love and respect is about understanding, compromise and appreciation... for the future, and for the past. It is NEVER my place to tell my girlfriend who she can and can't talk to. If I have a problem with her talking to a guy then clearly there are bigger issues at hand, and it isn't with her. I don't wear dresses in a relationship, and I don't expect my girlfriend to. We are both grown adults capable of having relationships with others that we are in control of.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

As I said it is dependant on the relationship, but I have never had an issue with this. I am not talking about daily contact. And I know it's not my insecurity that continues a pleasant relationship with my ex's.

I would never take an ex's relationship over my partner's feelings, but I have never had a partner that didn't trust me and I have never broken a that trust.

If I walked into a new relationship with a partner insecure about this, I would definately question his security.

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This isn't about insecurity. Its about respect and fairness. I never feared she wanted her ex back when I saw that she contacted him. Actually, its probably her who had this fear since she expressed that she would not like it if I contacted mine. However, I knew I would start to resent it if she demanded me not to speak with my ex while she went on did it herself. So, I requested the same from her.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I am going to take issue with this for a couple of reasons:

1. The whole "ex is an ex for a reason" thing is absolute BS. That only pertains to reonciliation, not to friendship. I know a ton of people who have remained good friends with their ex, and that is their business. It isn't always cut and dry.

2. Friends are friends. Whether it is an ex or not, if my girlfriend told me to lose a friend, I would tell her to kiss my a$$. Wives, girlfriends, they come and go, they run off, they die. My friends are like my family, and that is forever.

Showing love and respect is about understanding, compromise and appreciation...for the future, and for the past. It is NEVER my place to tell my girlfriend who she can and can't talk to. If I have a problem with her talking to a guy then clearly there are bigger issues at hand, and it isn't with her. I don't wear dresses in a relationship, and I don't expect my girlfriend to. We are both grown adults capable of having relationships with others that we are in control of.

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Had to spread the rep, because I honestly thought you would take a different position. I am not interested in returning anything other than friendships with my exes. It's a matter of situations and a couple's choice.

I would not want to be told who I can and can't talk to (unless there was a valid reason). It indicts a bigger issue in the relationship In my opinion.

EDIT: They did have an agreement that stemmed from her. She disrespected him and herself in that agreement. It's not something I would forgive, it's something I would see as a warning flag.

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Originally Posted by who22

I’ll try to keep this short and simple. I had an agreement with my girlfriend that we would not talk with/see our ex’s. I let her know that this was a deal breaker if she were to go back on her word. Well, I kept my word but she did not, so I dumped her.

She has resisted the breakup and has begged that I take her back. She says what she did was wrong, but still feels it was “harmless.” She claims she won’t talk her ex again or anyone else that I ask her not to. But this isn’t good enough for me; I don’t think this istrue remorse. I don’t feel she has examined WHY she felt the need to betray my trust.

Do you think she deserves a second chance?

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If you love her, and are motivated by love, of course, give her a second chance. If you feel that you must control her for you to be safe, that's another path.

Who initiated the original agreement? It was about talking with your ex? And you want her to examine why before you take her back? What kind of relationship are you interested in?

Tao

I talk to every one of my ex's, I would never date them again but I can hold a conversation with them. Perhaps you both should take a long look at each other and why you both feel so insecure with yourselves that you feel the need to control who the other talks to.

There is no reason why one should not be able to be "friends" with their ex if they feel that is possible. Anymore than friends would be inappropriate.

After saying that, you feel strongly about this matter and it was an agreement and mutual for this decision. So I would feel betrayed as well. If you don't think you can forgive her, let her know that and don't lead her on. Meaning don't expect her to keep fighting for you when you're not trying to make things work.

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Originally Posted by who22

This agreement was made because she expressed that she was uncomfortable with the thought of me speaking to my ex. So out of respect for her, I said I wouldnt. However, I said out of respect for me, you must do the same thing. No double standards.

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My boyfriend's ex's call him all the time. I never want to hear from my ex's. We don't go out of our way to contact our ex's and we can't stop them from contacting us, but people are only human. I don't think it's fair to make agreements that involve other people, especially ex's. Ex's have nothing to lose, and everything to gain if they can give a little grief to the person that replaced them. (I might be implying that my boyfriend's ex are doing that, but that's just my wild imagination talking.)

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I talk to every one of my ex's, I would never date them again but I can hold a conversation with them. Perhaps you both should take a long look at each other and why you both feel so insecure with yourselfs that you feel the need to control who the other talks to.

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Hi Rome, do you still talk with that one ex that broke your heart ? The one that broke up with you through a letter? I am asking you this, because that would bring me some hope for what I am going through rite now.

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Originally Posted by none12345

There is no reason why one should not be able to be "friends" with their ex if they feel that is possible. Anymore than friends would be inappropriate.

After saying that, you feel strongly about this matter and it was an agreement and mutual for this decision. So i would feel betrayed as well. If you dont think you can forgive her, let her know that and dont lead her on. Meaning dont expect her to keep fighting for you when you're not trying to make things work.

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I can forgive. I just don't know where we go from here... Keep this "agreement"? Dissolve it? The ex contact has already caused so many problems, it would seem silly to start being OK with it now.

Yep I talk to them both. Enough time has went by where I can talk to them without feeling hurt or angry and that's the most important thing. Being able to talk without feeling pain, it took awhile though. My first broken heart took 4 years for me to talk to her again, simply because of the emotional pain she caused me by cheating on me so many times.